Chapter 15
Wednesday August 24th
Lennon's POV
Getting home at the end of the day to my babies was so rewarding after the day that I've had. Between the house fire, Harry, and the weight of Hudson's death dragging me down all day long, Theo's race to hug me as soon as I opened the front door was like a whiff of fresh air bringing me back to reality.
I feel like I've been torn in so many different directions today, and I could feel myself growing overwhelmed with it all after my conversation with Harry. Despite my brain running rapid and me questioning myself and my judgment in potentially agreeing to hear Harry out, I had to keep a steady head on my shoulders and be focused for my patients. They deserved my best care, so I tried as hard as I could to shove all my personal problems to the back of mind. Me mourning Hudson and regretting Harry would not be a solid excuse to my boss if my quality of care weakened if I couldn't keep myself together.
Besides my babies, I can at least look forward to having a night where Harry isn't standing on my doorstep with that stupid pouty look on his face and his doe eyes trying to make me feel bad for him.
"How was your day at school buddy? I missed you so much" I asked Theo, my face practically shoved in his bunches of curls on the top of his head.
"Can we read to the stars?" He asked, and I tried not to read too much into him neglecting to answer my question. Did he have a bad day at school and that's why he didn't answer? Is he missing his dad more today? Or is he just a 3 year old who just asks the questions he wants answers too without a care in the world.
"Of course we can" I agreed, and slid my bag off my body and onto the floor by our shoe rack.
"I missed you this much today" He grinned and out stretched his arms as far wide as he could.
"Wow!" I exclaimed, pretending to be shocked.
"You miss me that much?" He asked in response, putting his arms back down at his sides.
"Even more than that" I nodded along, which was true. "Your rocket ship PJ's look so cute"
"Thanks mommy" He smiled. "Miss Lanna in the baby room"
"She's putting baby brother and sister to sleep, yeah?" I stood up from the ground and took a look around my very clean and organized living room, knowing it did not look like this when I left for work this morning.
Lyanna is truly a gem of a babysitter.
"Yeah they're sleeping" Theo placed a finger up to his mouth and made a shushing noise.
"Yeah it's their bedtime. Did you behave for Miss Lyanna?" I turned the TV program that Theo was watching off, since we were heading to bed in just a few moments anyways.
"Yesss"
The sound of a door shutting quietly from the hallway was heard, and I waited until Lyanna's appearance emerged from the hallway before greeting her and thanking her for cleaning up the living room. I chatted with her for a few moments about the kids and how they were, and she let me know that Theo was quieter than usual the entire way home from school.
I noted that and kept it in the back of my mind, so if Theo brought it up I would be able to connect some dots. As always, I walked Lyanna out by paying and thanking her after she said her goodbyes to Theo and covered everything she felt was worthy to tell me.
"Alright, you ready to read to the stars?" I asked, turning back around and seeing my toddler, wearing a solemn expression on his face and twirling his thumbs in front of him. "Hey, are you okay?"
My heart broke when the second I finished asking him, a tear streamed down his cheek. Instantly, I knelt down to his level and gently lifted his chin up to look at me. "Is there something you want to tell me?"
I was responded to with a head nod.
"Is it because you're missing daddy?" I asked softly, and used my thumb to wipe another tear from his face.
This time he shook his head no. "But I do miss him"
"Okay..." I trailed off, trying to come up with something else. Theo can be quite an emotional child, which isn't a bad thing, but it makes it harder for me to pinpoint what might be causing him distress when it could be over anything. As I thought, he inched closer to me pushing himself into my body and I wrapped an arm around him. "Did something happen at school?"
"Mhm"
I knew that if Theo got in trouble at school, or assumed he got in trouble, it would upset him terribly, but I didn't want to assume that was the case. I wouldn't want to send the message to him that I immediately thought he misbehaved, especially if he didn't, so instead I asked "Are you ready to share what happened or do you need more time?"
"At school, we made friendship bracelets...but I don't have a friend" He mumbled, his head and mouth now pressed into my shoulder making it harder for me to understand what he was saying, but once I replayed it in my head and got it, my heart sunk.
"Oh buddy..." I whispered, and pressed a kiss to his forehead.
As a mom, when your child says something like this, it just breaks you in ways you didn't even know you could break. I know Theo is quiet, and I know he keeps to himself when he's at school, and I've never pushed him to branch out and speak to the other kids because I never wanted him to feel pressure. I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I'm questioning myself and my thinking, and if I should've encouraged him a bit more... I assumed him figuring it out on his own timeline and readiness would be best, but now I'm completely regretting my choice. The fault feels like it's weighing on my shoulders, because could I have done more?
Theo's sniffle reminded me that I needed to focus on him and his feelings right now, and my pity party can be pushed aside. Shoving those thoughts aside, I tried to come up with a solution that would hopefully help Theo feel better.
I was at a loss until I remembered our craft bin in the closet. "I have an idea"
He sniffled.
"What if you and I make some...family bracelets instead? You can make one for me, and I'll make one for you" I suggested, and was really relieved when he picked his head up off my shoulder and the slightest smile was now on his face.
"Okay! Right now?"
I looked at the time, and even though it would be way past his bedtime by the time we made bracelets and went outside to read to the stars, I just agreed and let that be tomorrow's problem. Most importantly to me, Theo had a smile on his face, and honestly I could use some time with him right now after the day that I had.
"Right now" I agreed, and searched around in the craft closet until I found the bin I was looking for. I joined Theo at the kitchen table and took out a few different colors of strings and the container that held all of the colorful beads and letters.
"I'm makin you a yellow one cause your loved color is yellow" Theo explained. I don't know why, but sometimes when Theo is referring to someone's favorite thing, he calls it their "loved". He defends and says it's because you love that one the most.
"That's very thoughtful of you" I compliment, and grab the green string to make his bracelet with.
Of course, he watched me grab for it and happily whispered. "That's my loved color!"
"It is! Let me see your hand" I instructed and wrapped a piece of string around his wrist to measure it and know where to cut. Then he insisted on measuring mine, to which I helped him with and cut it off. I taped one end of his string to the table, so that he wouldn't accidently knock all the beads off and send him into a spiral, and then watched as he concentrated so hard on sliding the beads on, his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth.
I placed a few white and yellow beads on the string, and then searched in the pile of letter ones until I found the four letters that make up his name.
"Find the ones that say mommy, please" He looked over at me, building a shield over his bracelet with his arms to keep me from getting a sneak peak.
I of course helped him, we identified what letters I grabbed, the sounds they make, and how to arrange them to spell the desired word. Theo slid them on in the correct order, and placed another few beads, leaving my title in the middle.
"You all done?" I asked.
He stood up now in his chair and studied it, before sticking a finger in the air and declare he was done working on his bracelet. First, I tied the bracelet I made around his wrist.
He gasped. "I love it!"
Careful to not knock any beads off, Theo and I worked together to tie the bracelet around my left wrist. Once done, I admired it and "acted" just as excited as he did. "You did so amazing bud!"
Theo grinned so wide, and I could just tell he was very proud of the bracelet he made, and loved the one that now has a home on his wrist. It was so relieving to see a smile back on his face, and honestly I'm kind of glad that we just spent this extra time together doing a bonding activity.
After bracelets, the two of us went outside with a story to read to Hudson.
When coming back inside, I was too tired and overwhelmed right now to clean up the mess that we made with the bracelets, it can be tomorrow's problem. After everything that has gone on today between the missing Hudson more than ever, the fire, Harry, and now Theo, I don't have the mental energy to do anything else. Theo skipped down the hallway to "our" bedroom, clearly feeling much better which eased my mind a little.
I was glad that I was able to help him work through it, but it was overshadowed by knowing this is the 2nd time in just a span of 3 days that my parenting decisions has led to Theo being upset. I was starting to feel like I was failing him, and I didn't know what to do about it. It obviously was hurting me deep down, feeling like I'm the cause of Theo's troubles.
"Night daddy" Theo's voice broke me from my thoughts as he blew a kiss to the nightstand photo of Hudson.
"He loves you" I reminded him, tucking him underneath his blanket. "And I love you to the moon and back"
"Moon and back" Theo repeated, as always, and got comfortable underneath the sheets. Once he got comfortable, I did my very small night routine of changing my clothes and brushing my teeth, before climbing into bed next to him.
I glanced over at Theo, and instantly it felt like I was reliving the other night all over again. The tears just started falling from my eyes and the uneasy feeling in my stomach returned. Today has been draining, a complete roller coaster of emotions, and all those feelings just started to downpour the second my head hit the pillow.
Of course, I needed to keep quiet, for Theo's sake. He's obviously not asleep yet, and I would hate to disturb him. I've already felt like I've ruined something for him.
Right now I needed to calm myself down, and all these emotions that I'm feeling will just need to be shoved aside.
I urged my brain to think of anything else, anything that didn't have to do with my failures, the losses at my job, Hudson, or Harry. Anything that would be known to bring up negative thoughts could not be dealt with right now.
Unfortunately, my brain just kept circling back to those same things. I got myself up out of bed and made my way through the darkness to the bathroom, where I was met with my reflection in the mirror. I looked worse than I did this afternoon, the added stress of Harry showing up and Theo's day at school hit me hard.
I'm worn out. I'm exhausted. I'm grieving. I'm overwhelmed. I'm angry.
I'm failing.
Hope you enjoyed 🤍
Double update!!!