The following day, I ended up spending the whole day on Man'dr. Texting all types of men. And they were texting me. Surprisingly. Ever since Kyle ghosted me. I have this weird power trip. It was probably the confidence Kyle gave me, even though it was all me thinking it was. I knew I had the power to talk to whomever I wanted.
I still loved Kyle, but something about last night, made me realize I wanted to hurt Kyle for what he had done to me. It was so wrong of morality to do so, but I was way over my head. I liked it.
So messaging men was liberating. I had conversations with different types, mostly talking to guys closer to my age, as I tried my best to keep under 25. The older guys may be nice, but I was not interested in knowing if they were invested in my "Twinkie boy body."
One of the guys named Alec was my age and was going to the Blooming Party. He told me he had already graduated but didn't go last year and would make it up this time. We talked all morning about our lives and how we were the same person. He told me he was an outcast in school until he got into university. He even showed me photos from when he was in high school. He sure does not look like he does now.
Alec was beefy, and I mean intense and lean. He had considerable muscles in his biceps and his legs. Even he had a hard six-pack, which was intimidating. He was different from Kyle, for sure. He also had short black hair and a crooked smile that made me feel weird in my tummy. But yet, I liked it.
I even gave him better photos of myself. He told me he likes his twinks to be shaved and uncut. Which was all me, so I had to provide him with a photo. It was unnecessarily awkward because I did not know how to take a shirtless photo. So I stood in the cold bathroom with my jeans and no shirt. I tried every possible angle to photograph my torso and stomach. I even tried to make kissy faces to make it "hotter," but I looked like a demented duck.
Father walked on me when I was in the middle of my photoshoot. I dropped my phone as I noticed I had forgotten to lock the door to the bathroom. Father gasped as he saw what I was doing. I screamed at him to get out and forget about it. But he just made it worse by laughing.
Damn you, Dad. I thought.
Despite my reservations, I took a photo of my body that was pretty good. I liked it so much that I made it my new profile picture. I'll admit, part of the reason I did it was because I knew Kyle would see it. Although, I haven't seen any indication that he's viewed my profile yet. Strangely, the app has a feature to show who's considered your profile, but I've been changing my picture frequently in hopes of grabbing his attention. Even Dennis complimented me on my profile and called me hot, which made me feel good and boosted my confidence. However, I'm still eagerly waiting for Kyle to take notice.
As soon as I reached school, Dennis and Tyler approached me. They were showing a lot of interest in me.
"Omg, you are talking to Alec, the dick stallion!" Dennis snickered while grabbing onto my right shoulder.
"Alec the dick stallion?" I asked.
"The stallion of Vancouver. He is so fucking hot, and he is massive! I heard his dick size could wrap around the world ten times," Tyler added.
"Girl, that's a meager number for the fucking dick stallion!" Dennis exclaimed.
I felt my butthole clench as they talked about the size of his dick, as if they were talking about a planet. I didn't know if I liked 'bottoming' (they called it for someone in a submissive role). I know I wanted to know I was in control. But I didn't know Alec was. I may have enjoyed it because it was a new experience for me. This week has been different, so I may continue exploring this change. Trying new things like bottoming could be interesting without Kyle in my life. Kyle enjoyed it, so perhaps I would too.
"Wow, you sound like you guys had his dick before," I added, poking Dennis's chest.
"I did. When I was in grade nine, and he was in grade Eleven," Dennis romantically moaned.
"I did, as well," Tyler added.
I jerked my head back when they both said it. It wasn't because they had sex. It was because it was the age they were they had sex. It seemed like everyone who was gay and young lost their virginity before I did. I stood there and looked at them, gossiping about his dick size.
"So, why did you guys have sex if you were young?" I asked, giving them my furrowed brows.
Dennis laughed. "It's because it's called hookup culture. If you are old, you can't have fun and fool around. Because you'll be old and ugly. So, might as well get your youth out and fuck until we turn 28."
"28 isn't that old," I defended.
"Well, in gay culture, it is," Tyler quickly opposed.
"Isn't that being ageist?"
"Well, no, it's the rules," Dennis mentioned while looking at his dirty nails, seemingly uninterested in the conversation. "We don't make the rules."
What were the rules anyways? Being gay is much more complex than I ever excepted. I thought it was going to be loving and hand-holding. But it's all butt-fucking and not knowing if the other person will like you back. It's starting to seem evident why Kyle had all these old men because they were desperately looking for dates or even hangs because of these "rules" or what they call them-the hook-up culture.
I thought how 28 does not seem old. My youngest uncle is only 35, and he is still pretty young in my eyes. So what is wrong with turning 29 and 30? I liked to keep my guys under 25 because it's a preference, but I didn't know that it was an everyday thing that we younger gays are ageist to these men who are only looking for more after a certain age because of "our youth." Sure, from talking to guys on Man'dr, there were creepy men there, but most seemed nice. I just wasn't interested. Should I be interested in them if the younger generation treats them like dog shit? Maybe.
"Anyways, let's get ready for the party today. I will text the girls! I bet they're tonguing each other by now," Dennis said. "Come on, Tyler. I will see you later, Terrance."
Tyler waved at me, and they both left. They were leaving me standing in the main foyer. Being unable to think of being gay was super complex. It shouldn't be this vexing... but yet it was. I felt a rumble in my pocket, which was my phone.
I opened my phone to see there was a text from Kyle.
My heart popped its pants, and I quickly tucked my phone into my back pocket. All sorts of questions came swirling in my head. What if it was him confessing his love or if he didn't want to see me anymore? What is it? What did he want? God, I can't keep my mind quiet anymore. It's been so loud. Lately, it was like a concert pounding. I could feel my fingers become like Butterfinger chocolate.
The bell rang, startled me, and I quickly ran to my first class. I was not checking my phone. I wanted to open it, but I thought of how I felt when Kyle didn't reply for a week. So maybe, I will do the same. I kept on reading until he decided to come to me and talk instead of text. So I stuck my nose in the air and shuffled towards class. I still feel weird and hurt by Kyle leaving me and not saying anything.
Shut up, Mind. I'm trying to calm down! I yelled in my head.
For the rest of the English class, I could feel my phone get warm like it was waiting to be taken out. It was like super weird. Even holding the study book felt abnormal. Because I know myself and Kyle would be doing the homework. But I haven't read the book since our last session. I had completely fallen behind. Ms. Hawthorne probably knew I was not caught up because she wouldn't even ask me for answers. So I kept my head low and waited for the class to end. Maybe this weekend, I will finish the book. And tell Ms. Hawthorne that Kyle could not perform any work with me and should get a new tutor.
I couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy at the thought of Kyle having a new tutor. I wished he could work on this unit with me, but he was absent from class and wasn't keeping up with the book study. I knew I couldn't catch up unless he put in some effort. I wanted to finish this unit, but while most of my classmates were on page 260, I was still stuck on page 175.
Suddenly, my phone buzzed again, but I hesitated to check it. The name "Kyle" flashed in my mind, and I tried to push him out of my thoughts. However, my phone vibrated and made noise, drawing unwanted attention from my teacher, Ms. Hawthorne.
She asked me if there was a problem, and I shook my head, hoping to avoid further disruption. But then my phone buzzed again, and Ms. Hawthorne instructed me to hand it over. I stood up, walked over to her desk, and reluctantly placed my phone in front of her. As she picked it up and examined it, I couldn't help but feel embarrassed and frustrated at the same time.
"It seems like Kyle is interested in texting you today." She revealed.
My left eye twitched.
"But you can see the messages later," She uttered. "And maybe you can tell Kyle to get his ass to class. Go on, Terrance, let me finish this class without any disruptions."
I returned to my desk, sat, and kept my head down. I was thinking of why Kyle was sending a bunch of messages. It was outrageous. It was probably him describing what kind of week he had with one of his boyfriends. I tried to put myself as a tough guy, but that little liberating feeling I had all morning was stored in my brain's deepest part. My throat and chest swelled every time I thought about him. Why are these feelings so abnormal?
I remained silent for the rest of the class, and so did my phone. I just listened to the story of Jeannette and her adventure of being an adult. It was riveting.
I didn't bother looking at my phone when I walked out of the school day. Even if the remaining unread messages are stained on my phone screen. I kept my head low, looking at the remaining lively leaves turning sour yellow and crunchy brown. The rain was cold and wet like a dog was licking me. I wish I were already home, but every passing moment became longer until I returned home.
But I was stopped by two pairs of feet standing directly before me. Could it be? I looked up and saw it was Dennis.
"Hey! We were trying to get your attention!" Dennis cried. "We have a car. Tyler has a car. They were awesome enough to pick you up, so we can get ready!" Dennis pointed toward the road, and Tyler and the girl's heads hung out the window of a Black SUV
I faintly smile. "Oh yeah. About that--."
"We need to grab liquor and change our clothes. Should come with us and we can get you a change of clothes. Since your clothes are kind of... heteronormative," Tyler interrupted.
I looked down at my outfit. I suppose it was just sweats, an oversized black sweater, and my black Converses. But it was my comfort clothes, and I needed them when I returned home after a long fucking day.
Rachel yelled. "My older brother said he will score us some hard liquor!"
"C'mon, Terrance! You are our ticket to a great night of success as teenagers," Dennis sang the last part.
I was about five minutes away from home. I know I had to inform Father where I was going if he needed me to stay home with Lina. But I had an inevitable feeling that Father would let me go anyways since he always encouraged me to go and find friends. A part of me wanted to lie and tell them I was busy. But I saw the eagerness written on their faces and couldn't disappoint my new friends. Especially only knowing them for a couple of weeks. I clenched my fist, and I went up to their car.
"Hey, I must go home first to tell my father about the party...." I explained, trying to demotivate them. "if I am allowed to go!"
Dennis laughed. "Sure. Just hop in, and we will drive you."
"Really?" I was surprised, to be honest.
"Yeah. That's what friends are for, silly!"
They drove me home, and I told them to wait in the front while I informed Father. When I stepped in, the house sounded desolate and empty. So I went to check Lina's and my parent's rooms. The blood stain was still there, slowly going away. None of my family members were there. So I went into the kitchen, and there was a note on the table.
Little Mango,
Lina and I went to your aunties for the night. We will be back tomorrow afternoon.
Love, Dad
"Oh," I whispered under my breath.
He should've texted me. Haha. I thought. Okay then, I guess it's a green light.
As I exited the house and locked the door, I returned to the SUV, where I noticed everyone eagerly awaiting my response. Though I was tempted to decline and take time to reflect and check my messages, a sudden realization washed over me as I approached the vehicle.
I finally had friends. Or I think I do.
It was weird to think that the last two weeks have been transformative. Especially the whole was figuring out my sexuality even deeper. It was good that I was beginning to make friends, get out of my comfort zone, and try new things instead of being a wallflower. It felt almost lovely to think of it. I wish I had realized it was me who had given me the confidence to do so. Not Kyle.
"Yo, Terrance!" Yelled Colleen. "What did your father say?"
I gave Colleen two thumbs up, and everybody started freaking out. I could've said no because it was evident that these younger graders were using me to get into a senior party, but it was cool that they were coming because If I did go, who would I have known at the party?
I hopped in the back of the seat, and we whisked away toward one of the best nights of our lives.
• • •
We all stood outside the "Blooming Party." Looking at the lively and drunk house. It looked like a bouncy castle from where we were standing. The party was in some affluent neighbourhood four blocks from where I lived. The music was blaring like we were standing next to the speaker. And the people were so loud that we thought we were in a concert. I was beginning to feel nervous, mainly what if I couldn't pass as a senior since I was just Wallflower Terrance. The Senior Wallflower Terrance.
I looked down at what I was wearing. It was a very tight black shirt tucked in incredibly tiny skinny jeans. And I wore a red checker pull over a button shirt. And Something I would not expect myself to wear was a beanie. The girls had styled my hair around the beanie look, and I swore I had completely changed my appearance. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see myself. I couldn't tell if it was good or bad...
"Okay, guys," Dennis began. "We are about to enter a fucking senior party. Thanks to our generous senior."
They all cheered and laughed. I just stood there, staring at the shadows in the window hop and waving their hands, looking like mannequins.
"And tonight, we are going to have a fucking blast!" Colleen cried as she fisted the air.
"WHOOO," they all cheer, but me.
All I could think about was, what if it's the same situation as last year? When I sticker to the wall like a post-it note. I had never tried alcohol before. Maybe a sip of beer or cider growing up, but I never drank it to have fun. Alec was coming later than us, but he wanted to meet me. He is more excited about meeting me than going to the party. All I could think of was how this was not me, beyond my white line of comfort zone.
What was Kyle going to think of this?
Speaking of Kyle. I still needed to open his messages. I don't think I ever will because I dared not go on social media. I've been itching my skin and rubbing my arm with my nails over my almost-healed scab. For god sake, Terrance. This was ridiculous. I could open it and reply, like counting as one, two, three. But it felt like I was tugging a thousand-pound boat to the port.
I felt a soft, warm hand over my shoulder and didn't realize I was utterly lost in space. I looked over to see it was Rachel.
"Hey, Terrance, are you okay?" She asked me.
I nodded.
"Okay, come on, girl. Let's get our party on!"
I gulped and forced a laugh. "Haha, yeah, let's do it!"
As we approached the house, the pulsating music reverberated through the ground. The thumping of people's feet added to the mini earthquake-like effect. I couldn't determine if my heart was racing due to nerves or the music. Our group drew attention, and most eyes were fixated on me. People were pointing fingers, leaning in to talk to each other, and some even directed their whispers toward me. I tried to focus on the front door, but the constant murmuring was unsettling.
When we approached the door, a significant buff Hispanic guy in a tux and shades stopped us from entering. "Hey, this is a senior-only party. No stragglers."
Dennis raised his hand. "Please, we know. We got a senior. So it's an automatic pass."
"Who?" He boomed.
I stepped forward and slightly raised my hand.
The large guy leaned his shades down to the tip of his nose and analyzed me. My heart started swelling, and my cheeks flushed with pink roses. I couldn't tell if it was a good sign or if it was a good thing that I was here.
"Well, if Jerusalem ain't just a river. The wallflower, Terrance Reed, is here. Well fuck! I am more shocked than surprised," he boasted as he crossed his arms. "Y'all can go in. Have fun."
It was a good sign.
We stepped in with eagerness and mostly tried to decipher why he acted the way he did. The shiny blue, red and green strode lights nearly blinded us when we entered the house. The music was loud. It was vibrating my body. People stared at me again as I walked in. It was weird to see, but it was good. I am not too sure. Maybe it was because of what happened last year. I saw most of these faces at the other party. It may be a good thing.
A medium-sized boy came up to us and started cheering us. I think his name was Caleb. "Well, I guess the rumours were true. The wallflower had finally risen to join the party."
I turned around to find that Dennis and the others had ditched me. I tried to walk away to scout for them, but Caleb grabbed me by the arm and started dragging me. I tried to let go of his grasp, but he held tightly around my forearm. I swore I was going to get bruises.
He took me to the kitchen, where many people stared at me disgustingly and overwhelmed. I felt like I was going to throw up. Maybe this was a bad mistake to go to this party. What if this is how I get my harrowing experiences where everyone makes fun of me? Oh god, this was going to be wrong. Caleb grabbed what appeared to be a microphone and tried to turn it on drunkenly. The people whispered and pointed their judging fingers at me.
"Hello? Hello?" Caleb began-the microphone feedback. "We have an important announcement. The senior wallflower is here! Fuck!"
People whispered amongst themselves as I stood there in front of them. I started rapidly scratching my arm.
"I know we all talked shit about this dude. We all thought he was a creep, the next school shooter, and even a rapist. Sorry, Terrance."
He placed his hand on my shoulder. I force a smile. What the fuck was happening? Why was this the highlight of the party? I just wanted to keep a low profile and keep my head down. I tried to drown my sorrows in drinks. So why the fuck am I even here. Was this a trap?
"But he had redeemed himself and joined us in the big people party. Now we can officially welcome Terrance to the senior group! Welcome to the Blooming Party, Terrance!"
The next thing I knew, I was drenched with whatever liquid was dumped on me. I stood there wholly wet as many people laughed and pointed at me. The house was now filled with bullying laughter. Is this what they wanted? Did Dennis and the rest of the group set me up for this? Were they hoping I would show up and they could bully me? All because they sought me as the wrong person? I knew I was a good person. I was just quiet, felt good alone, intelligent, and level-headed. Until I met Kyle, my whole fucking life had been turned over. But I could not improve without myself. It was all Kyle's doing.... But yet again, if this is what they wanted. They wanted my pity reaction to feeling superior with some power trip.
I looked down at my wet, drenched clothes and the crowd laughing at me. Caleb's arms were crossed, and his face said he wanted to do this to me. But I couldn't let his asshole win. So I looked beside me with the bucket full of water (luckily) and took it. I dumped the rest of the water on me. Bystanders gasped. I screamed and raised my hand in the air.
The crowd jumped and cheered me on. I looked at Caleb's defeated face. This liberating power move I just pulled made me feel fucking good! I jumped in the air and screamed with the crowd.
I looked over at Caleb, whose mouth was draped to the floor. "You can't fucking hurt me, Caleb."
"It's Ryan..." He mentioned.
"Well, RYAN. You think you can ridicule me. But I am fucking done with the image of being a Wallflower, bitch."
He nodded and walked away. I crossed my arms, and many people gathered around me, patting my back and talking. I had never felt this feeling before. God, is this what Kyle felt all the time? Having his bad boy image? Having everyone like you and being a fucking badass? I could feel like I could do anything at this point.
I grabbed the closet bottle of liquor, to me. I opened the bottle cap and started chugging the vodka down. It was probably not the best idea since it was my first time. But this badass feeling inside me burned right through me like water paint. I wanted people to be proud of me. I don't care if I was drenched with water and got public embarrassment. So that vodka burn made me feel even more alive. People watching me chug a great deal of vodka had cried and gagged. But I put the bottle down and felt sick. The room was spinning, and my stomach felt cold like I had eaten a bunch of ice cubes. They all watched me trying to keep the vodka down. God, is this what people got drunk off? This was literally like gasoline.
"Hey, Terrance?" Somebody said. "Are you okay?"
I burped so loud that the room had to cover its ears. The crowd soon burst into laughter and cheered their drinks.
"FUCK YEAH!" I screamed.
Everybody laughed and raised their glasses in the air.
The next thing I knew, I was getting talked to by everyone. Even Ryan. This whole power trip I had going on made me feel like I was invincible. It was new, and if I was honest, it was something I would never touch. This was a trap, and they tried to bring me down. Usually, I would. But ever since, Kyle had ignored me for those few days. I was disappointed and knew I could never let my hope get higher than the stars again. As my Mother had said many times before, I am a disappointment. So if I avert that statement and go beyond what I could achieve, I could do amazing things! Fuck I like this new personality. For me, I should do this more! Because fuck all the words and downing people try to inflict upon me. I am a great person!