When I first realized that I liked boys, I rushed home--scared of everything I had just learned. I felt lost all my life, and then all the pieces connected. The first thing I did when I entered my room. I went straight to my laptop and opened the browser. I smashed the keyboard, typing;
AM I GAY?
At this point, I thought I was going mental because everything that popped up was tests and websites to tell you if you're not or if you are. It was not ideal because I knew I liked this boy. But for some reason, I did every test and every website to see if I was. Some said I was straight, and others said I was 68% gay, which was not helpful. I kept doing different quizzes and went to various sites to see different results, but none worked until I found another source-gay porn. And boy, it was probably life-changing for me. At first, I was opposed because I heard porn can be addictive and unrealistic. But then, when I saw how they fucked and how the men were moaning, it made me realize...
I did like men. Like a lot.
I started watching porn every day before and after school, which wasn't the best idea, but I liked it. I masturbated too many times to count. However, I did slow down when I realized my parents had found out and scolded me that watching too much was wrong. I wished I had listened to them.
And now, well, I was standing outside the school and having my dick sucked by Artie. I just stood there, embracing this weird moment for me. I did not know how I got into this situation. It was all fast and sudden.
First, Artie had found me before leaving school, and I tried to go home. He was upset that I was trying to go home after I made plans with him. Frankly, I wanted to leave him hanging on purpose because I couldn't say no and had no interest in him. Even if it sounded mean, I wasn't pleased with making any more friends.
Second, he acted weird around me, asking me questions about my sex life. I kept telling him I was a virgin, and he told me he lied to the group and wasn't. He was afraid that they would see him as a whore or something.
Third, he took me to the back of the school where the smokers went. It was called the pit. Everybody knew that was where the smokers and ditchers went to do whatever they did to pass the time at school. I never went to it, but apparently, Artie was familiar with it. Because he went on ranting on about teachers trying to shut it down, but nobody ever listened. Then, the next thing you know, he was advancing on me.
"No," I said to him.
"Why?" He scoffed.
His body stiffened, and his top lip twitched. He was turning red, like his face was becoming the sun. I was in a place where I could walk away or let him take advantage of me. I watched this type of porn before, where the virgin acted like one, and the non-virgin acted like he was taking it away from him. However, it was not like that at all.
"I am just not comfortable with that yet, Artie," I protested his advance.
"But you are gay, aren't you?"
I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out like I was on mute. I stared at him, and his face shifted from annoyed to contempt.
He started kneeling, placing his hands on my genitals. I felt almost violated, but some part of me wanted this, but not with him, with Kyle. I wanted Kyle to be my first-ever moment: the kiss, the sex, and everything with him. Kyle was my crush, and Artie seemed more like a friend to me than anything, probably not a friend. Just a group member, if I was honest.
He started opening my pants, and I felt nothing but turned off. I kept my eyes closed and let the cold hand touch my parts. I did not feel anything the porn guys did and just felt uncomfortable. However, Artie seemed to be enjoying himself with this. He told me how small my dick was and regretted bringing condoms. I never thought that size mattered in the first place, but it does. Only in the gay community? I thought. I thought mine was a decent size. But I suppose it was not for everyone. I frowned and felt my confidence grow smaller. And I guess that's how it happened.
I couldn't say no.
"Why isn't your dick hard?" Artie groaned, holding my flaccid dick in his cold hands.
I didn't say anything at. First, I just kept my eyes closed. Wishing this would be over soon.
"Come on, tell me?" Artie pressed on, batting my dick around like a tether ball.
"I...I don't feel good in this...." I stammered. "In this public place."
I lied to him because I knew he would get mad at me if I told him I was uncomfortable. I could not afford to say something wrong without him getting angry.
"Okay, let's get into foreplay," He suggested. "What are you into?"
"What do you mean?" I asked him.
He moaned and rolled his eyes. "Fine, let's just make out."
I was about to my mouth to say something, but he forced himself onto me with his wet, sloppy mouth. At first, I was disgusted. I wanted to push him off, but the more he kissed me. The more I realized I didn't mind kissing somebody. Though, I should be disgusted with him. But this sensation of somebody kissing me for the first time made me feel alive. I started kissing him back.
It was because I started thinking of Kyle. I replaced the idea of Artie with the picture of Kyle. I thought about how soft Kyle's lips were and how they might feel like pillows. It was getting to the point where my body started believing whomever I was kissing was not Artie but Kyle. I grabbed Artie's hair and pulled it, and ran my hand through his oily hair. I imagined I was touching Kyle with his soft tanned skin. I wanted to touch Kyle, but I suppose I could envision I was doing it with Artie.
'"Woah, somebody shifted the mood," Artie gasped while pulling away from my face.
Seeing Artie in my face like that made me lose sight of Kyle. So I growled and pushed Artie's face back onto mine. Artie started moaning, which began to turn me on. I could feel Artie's cold hand start slowly shifting down my pants. I was beginning to feel scared again, but I thought about Kyle once again, which made me feel a bit better. I twitched when Artie's cold hands touched my erection. And he started making motions in a weird way that hurt. I had foreskin; frankly, I don't think Artie knew what he was doing with it. However, I was too shy to tell him he was doing it wrong.
"How does that feel, baby?" Artie whispered.
"Good," I lied.
It was hurting the way he was pulling at it. It was too hard and rough that I was scared he might break my foreskin somehow. But I just let it go with the flow. I looked down to see he had also pulled out his dick. It was circumcised. So it was evident he had no idea what to do with my dick.
So, I slowly started taking over the jerking, but he hit me. He furrowed his brows and twitched his top lip, looking like an angry animal defending his food. I just smiled, and he rolled his eyes at me. And he continued his awful way of jerking me off. But then he went down all the way and started sucking me.
At first, it was okay. But then the scrapping of his teeth hurt like I was being rubbed with sandpaper. I winced and tried to pull Artie off my dick, but he held me tight. I clenched my jaw every time he rubbed back and forth. It was hurting so bad that it became numb. It was like his mouth was a serrated knife. I wouldn't say I liked this. I hated this so fucking much.
I looked at the sky, watching the dark clouds hastily shift to the right. I had wished it started raining, so this possibly ended soon. I just wanted to be over. I closed my eyes again and started imagining Kyle. I started envisioning his naked body and how perfect it might have looked. I kept guessing, my hand rubbing all over Kyle's chest and stomach. Felt every skin texture, shallow breath, and warmth of his body. I adored the thought that he would get goosebumps all over his body. The imagery of his body made me incredibly hard, which made me feel close to ejaculation.
"Oh, your cock is getting incredibly hard, Terrance," Artie moaned, ruining my vibe.
I felt a slight hint of water come from the sky. I opened my eyes and saw that the clouds had darkened. Then, before we knew it, it was pouring rain on us. I smiled and sighed in deep relief. Artie hissed as the rain made us both soft and flaccid.
"Damn, rain!" Artie hissed. "Ruined our moment!"
I laughed nervously. "Yeah. Stupid rain."
"Well, I guess we have to finish this another time. I can't afford to be sick," He mentioned, zipping up his pants.
I followed, stuffing my dick back into my pants. I winced as it was raw and sore. I zipped my pants and sighed in deep relief.
"Well, it's best if you we both go home. Eh?" I advised, patting my hand on his shoulders.
"Yeah, it is."
Artie looked up at me and went in for one more kiss. I wanted to push him off but let it happen again. I kept my eyes open and stared at him with uncertainty. I do not like his man-especially more after this. I disliked Artie. It felt like I was kissing a snake. I was scared of it fighting back or scared it was going toil it would inject me with poison. I hope not.
He let go and smiled at me. I forced a grin. He looked up and started running in the opposite direction of where I was going. I watched him trail through the rain, and I was utterly shocked. When he finally left my view. I fell to the floor. Letting my pants get soaked. However, it was much warmer than the cold hands he had.
I started crying.
I leaned my head against the school's wet concrete wall. I felt so vulnerable and uncomfortable with how open I felt. It was nothing like the porn I'd watched before. It felt more natural, personal, and beyond what my innocence could handle. It was no feeling that hurt me beyond my purity and virginity. It was the idea that my innocence could break. I was not ready for this yet. I was only starting to feel comfortable with being gay. I would be lying if I was satisfied with the sex. Merely only pleased with the idea, not the actual thing. I could not believe I had let it happen because I was scared to say no.
I looked at the rain terraforming the mud around me, making little mud puddles. Looking at that made me cry even harder. I wish I could rewind and forget what had happened to me. Of course, I did not mind some of it. I hope it was much eased in and safer.
Just when I thought I was going to leave. I heard footsteps approaching me. I did not dare to look up because I did not want anybody to see I was crying. Who would like to see Wallflower Terrance call? I know nobody would.
I hugged my legs closer and buried my face into them. I could sense the person was close and standing over me. But I was too afraid to see who it was. I wish they would leave me alone. And I was scared to know if it was Artie.
"What are you doing on the ground, Wallflower?"
My eyes widened. I quickly lifted my head to see it was Kyle. He was also soaking wet. Seeing his beautiful angel face made my world bright for a mere second. He was not wearing his usual favourite band sweater. It was a long-sleeved red shirt with a satanic ram on the front. He also had tight, ripped blue jeans so you could see his bulge. It was cute to see his dirty blonde hair turn flat and brown as it soaked in the rain. He looked like a wet golden retriever. Only for a second before a loud crashing and roar came from the sky. I brushed my tears away as discreetly as possible.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"Looking for you," he said. "Don't forget. We still have a hundred pages to read by next week."
"Yeah. I forgot."
He bent over and offered me his hand. "Well, let's get going. Let's go to my place first so I can change out of his god-awful wet clothes."
"Yeah. I think that's wise."
I grabbed onto his hand. I felt my heart rapidly pounding against my chest. It was true. His hands were like touching air. It was soft and beautifully textured. I blushed, and I felt warm in my chest. I never wanted to let go of his hands at that moment. If I was honest, I was content with holding onto his hand forever.
But the short moment of happiness was lived and died fast. He let go of my hand and pointed the way to his house. "My house is that way. It's much further away from your house. I think it's best if you come over."
"Okay."
We scurried across the school lawn and went onto the main road. We did not talk to each other because we tried not to freeze to death in the icy rain. I was shocked at how much of a difference somebody can make when they're close to you-especially somebody you like.
Kyle arrived at a complex called "The Burrows," just five minutes from the school. Despite its official name, Madison Heights, the complex had gained a negative reputation in Vancouver. It was considered sketchy and rundown, with residents often being ridiculed and assumed to be involved in drug and alcohol use. Although I had only heard stories and descriptions of the place, my observation confirmed the rumours. Feeling uneasy, I tightened my grip on my phone and became tense.
As I arrived at The Burrows, it felt like I had entered a different universe. The townhouse appeared aged and uneven, with faded, worn blue paint that had yet to be refreshed. Many of the windows were covered with plastic or patched with cardboard, while bars adorned most of them. The streets were strewn with litter, and broken glass and beer bottles were scattered everywhere. The noise of loud music and people shouting was overwhelming. I swore I could have seen blood stains on the concrete below me.
Kyle kept looking back at me and making sure I was staying close. I saw a man on the ground, rolling and thrashing around. I wanted to help him because he was probably OD'ing. However, Kyle grabbed my arm and dragged me away from the tweaking man.
We walked to the corner townhouse, much cleaner than the rest but still had cardboard on the window. I gulped, and I stared at Kyle. He did not bother looking directly at me, only side-eyed and blushed.
"I hope my dad isn't home," he muttered, hoping I couldn't hear. But I did. I did not want to walk in but wanted to because it meant seeing his bedroom.
Kyle signalled me to follow. I nodded.
He opened the door, and the smell of cigarettes filled my nostrils like wet cement. It was so thick that the house looked hazy and grey. I tried to comment on it because I was barely around cigarettes before. The only time I was, was when my Aunt Monica and Uncle Bernie came around. My mother and father used to smoke but stopped long before I turned five. So it was rarely.
"Mom!" Kyle yelled. "I am home. I have a friend over. We are just studying."
As I rounded the corner, I was surprised by how stunning his mom looked. She reminded me of Jennifer Coolidge, but a bit shorter. She had a cigarette in one hand and was chatting on her phone with the other. Suddenly, she interrupted her call to tell us angrily, "Hey, keep it down. Your dad's snoozing upstairs."
"Oh, sorry," his tone shifted.
She gazed at me intently and scrutinized my appearance. "May I ask who you are?"
"This Terrance. He is my study buddy for the novel study that I mentioned last night."
"Sweet," she scoffed, not offering her hand toward me. So I just did a pathetic wave. "He better not be around when we make dinner."
I ceased up, and my ears became red.
Kyle scoffed. "Yeah. We won't be."
"Okay, good. Your dad is not in the fucking mood today. So better keep it down." She scratched her bloated belly and burped.
Never mind, I regret saying how pretty she was. I shivered at how disgusting she was.
Kyle nodded and asked me to follow him. I quickly took off my muddy shoes and quickly followed Kyle upstairs. I had never felt so much fear in a house before. I can not believe he lived in this rigid, grotty house. I see why he was so shocked by the way I lived. I felt terrible bringing him over now. I wanted to leave, but I could stay for an hour before leaving-rain or not. I am going in an hour.
When we walked up the creaky stairs and into a small overcrowded hallway, he stopped and put his finger on his lips. He signalled me to be quiet, then pointed to the open door where loud snoring came. I nodded. We stepped over a large pile of dirty clothes that smelled musty, and he opened his bedroom door.
He had a tiny wooden desk and a mattress on the floor. That's it. The bed had no sheet and one small blanket that looked like it was made for a toddler. A stained pillow showed that Kyle drooled when he slept. On the desk, he had one book, a comic book from an unknown artist, and what appeared to look like a vase but wasn't, and the water was incredibly green and mouldy.
He took it and said. 'Want to smoke some weed?"
"Um. No," I bluntly said. "What is that?"
He held it out in front of me and examined it. "It's a bong, and it looks like I need to clean the fuck out of this."
"Ummm, yeah. You do."
"Sorry for the mess. We are currently doing summer clean-up." He mentioned. "However, it seems like it went from summer to winter. My parents have not been in the mood lately. So only my area is clean."
I faintly smiled. Kyle grabbed a silver object from a dusty, brown table. It was a shiny silver cylinder, but when he opened it up, it was revealed to be marijuana. He placed the silver cylinder underneath his nose and started sniffing it. I clasped my nose because the smell was disgusting to me. It was like smelling a skunk.
"Isn't the smell of weed incredible?" He asked me.
"Umm, yeah," I lied. "Sure."
He pinched the green leaves from the silver cylinder and placed them in this little bowl attached to the bong. My mouth twitched. I felt uncomfortable and wanted to walk out of the room. I can not believe he had the courtesy to smoke drugs before me.
"Is it okay if I smoke in here?" He asked.
No, I thought.
"Yeah. Go ahead. It's your room," I lied.
When he did, I decided to look away. I looked at the posters hung on his wall. They mainly were Metal bands and bands I had never heard of. The posters on his walls looked scary and obscene, like one had a hollow face with skeletons around it. Another was blood coming out of the person's mouth. Another one had white eyes and a knife in their mouth. It wasn't very comforting to see, but it was his style. I kept looking around, seeing small drawings of cartoon characters I had never seen before. I smiled because most of them had a signature of Kyle's name.
"Are these your drawings?" I asked.
"Yeah," He coughed. "Every single of them."
It was interesting to see how different Kyle's drawings were. Mine was more realistic, and his style was cartoony. I smiled as I stared at one. It was a panda wearing clothing that had knives in its paws and a bandana wrapped around its head. Another one had a beautiful vulturous Chinese woman with a katana. I looked back at Kyle, who had disappeared from his spot. I turned my head the other way to see Kyle was changing. His naked back was exposed to me. I quickly turned away.
"So, Wallflower?" He said.
"Yeah..."
"Want to wear any of my clothes? Since you're still soaking wet?" He asked.
"I think it's best if I don't. I wear two XLs I wouldn't fit your size." I said, trying not to look back.
He laughed. "Luckily for you. I do have one shirt that will fit you."
I fixated my eyes on the wall, trying my best not to stare. As we spoke, I tried my best not to have a hard-on. I wish I did not turn around. Oh god, I thought.
He tapped my shoulder, and I slowly turned around. He wore his favourite black metal band sweater and black gym shorts. I smiled at him as he handed me a white shirt. I lifted one eyebrow as I noticed it had a black box on the front. I opened it up fully; it was an album cover of the scary hollow face. I faintly smiled at him. "Thanks."
"Yeah. No problem. It was too big for me. So I only use it when I go to sleep."
"Um. Is it okay if you turn the other way?" I asked him, covering my body with the shirt.
"Oh yeah." He shifted his body away from me and stared outside the window.
I gulped and slowly took my shirt. When the shirt was struggling to release from my skin, the light from the window showed Kyle through the fabric. I noticed his head turned toward me. I quickly took it off and flopped the wet shirt on the floor. It made a loud squishy sound, and I saw Kyle was looking at me. I blushed and covered my body with the shirt.
"Were you looking at me?" I asked.
He scratched his head. "Yeah."
I blushed so hard that I could feel my face swell from the blood. I froze at the moment and didn't know what to think. Was it because he was curious about my body? "I told you to look the other way." I finally formed words.
"Sorry, it was just hard not to look," He admitted. He kept staring out the window.
"Why?"
He didn't say anything. He started tapping on the window pane. I took a sign to put the shirt on and be done with it. When I poked my head through the head hole, he was looking again, but this time through the reflection. I could feel an erection coming. I liked that he was staring at me, but I was getting mixed signals because what if he was only looking because he wanted to know what a wallflower body looked like? Or what if... he was curious about my body for other reasons?
He turned around and looked at me. At first, I wanted to ask him again. I really, really needed to know whether he was gay or not. Because no straight man would have said that. The harder I looked at him, the more my erection grew. It was still raw and sore after what Artie did, but I wanted this to happen for some reason.
He cleared his throat. He intently blushed. "I... I never expected you to have a nice body...like that...."
My left eye twitched because he was being secretive with his words. What the heck did he mean by that? I didn't particularly appreciate hearing those words expected. What did he expect from me anyways? I felt slightly disappointed. What did he expect for me to be gross and unattractive? But I kept my mouth shut and waited for him to respond.
"And, umm--I think I need to tell you something..." he started twiddling his fingers.
What was he going to say? I thought. Was he going to come out to me?
My phone ringing ruined the moment. I shook my head and put my hand up. "Hold onto that thought, Kyle."
"Okay." He muttered.
"Hello?"
"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?" Shouted Mother on the other line. I clenched my jaw because I forgot Father was working a double shift today.
"I was studying at Kyle's...."
"Get your ass back now! I am worried sick! Why can't you understand that I am more important than your schoolwork and that stupid friend!"
I scraped my teeth together to the point where I tasted smoke in my mouth. Every inch of my body felt like it's been violently stabbed by her deceitful, rude words. Kyle heard her because he started grabbing my wet soggy shirt off the floor.
"I will. I love you,"
She hung up. I stood there in a bit of a daze.
Kyle went up to me and handed me the wet shirt. "So, I suppose you need to leave, eh?"
"Yeah. Sorry."
"It's all good, I know...."
"I am sorry. I got to leave. Do you still want to tell me what you wanted to say?"
"No, it's not that important," he blurted out.
"Sorry."
He chuckled. "Don't be such a Canadian. It's not a big deal anyways."
I noticed that he was rubbing his foot against the other one. I looked up at him and saw water in his eyes. But yet again, his eyes were red, probably from the smoke. I heard that marijuana makes you have dried eyes. So, it was probably from that.
"Thank you, I will see you later." I was about to walk out the door when Kyle grabbed my shoulder. I looked back, and he was looking at the floor.
"Thank you. You are a good friend for not judging me. I know people hate The Burrows. So, I am glad you didn't run away."
I smiled and patted his warm hands. "Anytime. It's good to have a friend finally."
"Be safe getting home, Wallflower," he advised, looking up at me. I stared at his black eye, slowly healing, which made me grin harder.
"Will do."
I walked out of the room and quickly scurried out of his house. I didn't even bother saying goodbye to his mother. I just grabbed my shoes and pulled them on. I quickly ran out the door and bolted out of The Burrows. I was thinking of what Kyle wanted to say to me. What was he going to tell me? My head was twisting with all outcomes of the conversation.
Was he going to confess something to me? Or was he going to admit that I was his friend? I couldn't tell what he was thinking at that moment. I still had an erection as I ran home. I hurt from how long it stayed.
Fuck these feelings, I thought.