It was a couple of days since Kyle had been to my house. And to be honest, I have not been the same since. Throughout the afternoon, Kyle kept making snarky comments about everything I did and what I had in my room. At first, I let it go, but more ugly words came out of his mouth. The more I felt smaller and felt a bit uncomfortable. We still needed to do homework because he was always on his phone. I sat silently until he left, only an hour into our study.
I lay there afterwards, questioning my judgment.
He was different from the guy I had in mind. I always thought of him as the gentle type to be friendly and humble. But no, he was a jerk. I wanted to scream at him and tell him to leave my house. But since my social anxiety had gotten the best of me. I just held onto my tongue and hoped time would go by fast. I wanted to give him excuses for why he was acting that way. But I couldn't. He was just straight-up mean and rude.
During my English class, I consciously decided to keep my distance from Kyle and avoid looking out the window. Although I still had some lingering care for him, I wanted to spite him for letting me down. I wasn't necessarily angry with him, just disappointed that my high hopes for him as a good person were dashed. He may have been a good person but struggled with negative emotions. Nevertheless, my disappointment remained.
Ms. Hawthorne glanced over to me and was about to open her mouth. But Kyle walked in, wheezing out of breath.
"Sorry if I'm late, Ms. Hawthorne," Kyle wheezed.
Ms. Hawthorne looked dumbfounded. But she smiled, and she nodded her head. "No, Kyle. You are on time. For once."
Kyle smiled and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He nodded his head back to Ms. Hawthrone. He scanned around the room until his eyes laid dominant on me. He waved and quickly shuffled his feet across the classroom. I blushed, mainly because I felt uncomfortable that everyone saw him do that. And now they were all looking at me and whispering things under their breath. Plus, I did not want to speak to him today. But I had to talk, or I was lucky he might not speak to me.
He found an empty seat in front of me. He positioned himself sideways so he could talk to me. "Hey, Wallflower," He said in a beautiful tone.
Damn it, I thought.
I blushed harder. "Hi." My voice fell when I responded. It sounded weak.
"Is it cool if I come over and do homework with you?" He asked.
I didn't respond and acted like that question flew over my head. I didn't want to tell him that I was mad at him. Mainly because he was not the boy of my fantasies that I tried to hone; it was like a slap to my face, even in my head. I could admit that, but simultaneously, my brain sent feelings to my heart.
Kyle tilted his head and gave me these "puppy" eyes. I bit my lips because it made him a hundred times cuter. I couldn't tell if it was teasing or him trying to convince me he was allowed. I wanted to explain to him that I felt uneasy with the idea, but my brain was tugging at my heart to react. I tapped my finger on the base of my desk. Thinking if I should make a stupid excuse or if I would let my anxiety speak for me again.
"Yeah. Sure," I blurted out.
Damn it. It happened again. Why can't I be honest and say no? But instead, I had to throw my integrity away like that-stupid me.
Kyle smiled and chortled. "Thanks, Wallflower," Then he slapped the base of my desk, got up, and left.
"Ummm, yeah..." I slowly mumbled. I watched him squeeze between the other student's desks, letting them get agitated. Then he sat down back at his desk.
I gritted my teeth as l felt he was just there to use me. I wondered to myself if he was so caring about coming over to my house. Then he would want to be nice enough to sit close to me. But instead, I could not believe he just got up and left. I needed him to give me information on what time and when he would show up. Or even if he was going to walk with me. And, Of course, I let this happen. Again.
Ms. Hawthorne started talking to the class. I kept my eyes focused on Kyle. Trying to read his ordeal, but nothing came up. It was just pure blankness that came to my mind. I wanted to throw a pencil at his stupid but cute face. Damn, these stupid feelings for him.
I quickly pulled out The Glass Castle and opened it, then shoved my face into the book's pages. I side-eyed Kyle and noticed he had taken out his book. I carefully lifted my head, shocked that he was reading the book. From here, he was only ten pages in. Nonetheless, maybe he wanted to help himself with his grades. It made me happy enough to forget his stupid arrogance. Kyle looked up and then at me. He had caught me staring because he started smiling. I panicked and buried my face into the pages again.
As the class went on, the more I dozed off. I stared out into the distance of the schoolyard and admired the changing seasons from fall to winter. I started thinking about why I was Wallflower. I had friends when I was smaller but never kept them long enough. I had only one friend that I had for a year, and her name was Millie.
• • •
It was around fourth grade when I lived in Calgary, Alberta. When I was beginning to become a wallflower and staying in my bubble. Millie was new to the school, and I was assigned her welcome train buddy. At first, we were both awkward. But then, when she mentioned she loved reading books. Our friendship grew like a scallion. Soon after a couple of weeks, Millie and I were untouchable, always causing mischief and mayhem within the halls and classrooms. She could bring out the parts of me that I never knew I had. At some point, the teachers believed that our friendship was a problem. They started separating us when we had class assignments so we "would work in silence." But we always found a way to make mischief from across the room. Millie was that friend whom I could trust and feel myself around her.
Unfortunately, nearing the end of grade seven. Millie had disappeared. Completely. No goodbyes or even visitation to explain the situation. At first, I thought she had died or gone missing. But when I went to her house, everything was gone or abandoned. It was like nothing was there in the first place. I grew depressed from her absence. I have missed her every day since she left. People always talked about her as if they knew her. Saying they were glad she was gone or how there was rumour of her passing instead of clearing the stories. I let the buzz run through my classmates' curious, ignorant minds.
It could be one of the reasons why I preferred to stay alone, without friends because they would pull a Millie. I was afraid of that happening to anyone whom I made friends with. And to this day, I do not know where she is or if she is even alive.
Ms. Hawthorne had smacked the base of my desk with her ruler. It made me squeal and jump out of my seat. "Mr. Reed. Why are you not paying attention?"
I rubbed my chest as my heart pulsated. "Oh, sorry..." I felt my face flush, and I could hear the snickering of other students.
"We are finally on part two," Ms. Hawthorne informed me, pointing the yellow ruler in my face. "It is a crucial chapter to pay attention to. No diddling in space!"
I nodded. "Of course." I slowly sat back down in my seat and opened my book.
For the rest of the class, I remained quiet, to myself, and did not focus my attention on anyone. Not even Kyle. But for some reason, I could feel his gaze on me-his beautiful eyes.
When the bell rang, I stayed behind longer, waiting for everyone to leave the classroom. By that time, I felt comfortable leaving. Kyle was not there, I was hoping I could tell him when he was coming over, but it isn't as important to him. I said my goodbye to Ms. Hawthorne. She gave me a half smile and lazily waved at me as she was fixated on the papers in front of her. But before I could walk out, a large black man barged through me as if I was a ghost.
"Ms. Hawthorne!" He yelled.
"Ah, Dennis. How are you?" She replied in a sloth tone.
I was waiting for him to say sorry, but as I said before, I was a ghost to him. But the way he spoke sounded interesting, so I eavesdropped on the conversation.
"Another club had booked the damn empty room that we were going to use for GSA," Dennis cried as he flopped onto an empty desk.
Ms. Hawthorne groaned and dropped her pen onto the desk. She smacked her tongue together. "Well, we have no choice but to make this room the new GSA."
I titled my head why they were saying GSA. What did it mean, I wondered. I slowly approached the two in the hope of getting the answer. "Excuse me. What does GSA mean?"
Dennis glared at me and examined me from toe to head multiple times before saying anything. "It stands for Gay, Straight Alliance, buddy." He placed his hands on his hips and examined me. "A group dedicated to the LGBTQ+ community. Why are you asking, Wallflower Terrance?"
I blushed. "Oh, I am just curious, is all."
Ms. Hawthorne jumped in. "The group is meant for everyone, Terrance. You are welcome to join the group."
Was this how I came out? I join an LGBTQ+ group? I wanted to say yes instantly, but Dennis glared at me, and I felt intimidated by his presence. Plus, was I ready to let everyone know I was gay? I mean, I did come out to my parents, well, sort of. I may not have accidentally left my history not wiped when my mom asked for my laptop. But yet again, if I could come to them, maybe this was a step to let myself have friends.
"I will have to think about it," I blurted out, without even deciding, as my anxiety won again.
"Didn't think so," Dennis replied in a haughty tone.
Ms. Hawthorne coughed and stood up from the desk. She started slowly approaching me. "You know, we do not have many people who joined."
"How many people?" I asked, looking around the room.
"The two of us," Dennis added, approaching me. "But if you don't want to join, it's fine. I guess."
I bit my lower lip and started thinking. I felt terrible that it was just the two of them, especially if I denied their offer. Dennis seemed unimpressed by my presence, but, yet again, I was Wallflower Terrance. I have a stupid reputation for having no reputation. I stared at both of them, dumbfounded and lost for words about whether I should join. I mean, it did mean Gay, Straight Alliance. I could play it straight until I felt comfortable telling them.
"I'll get back to you later...." My voice fell once their faces went dim for a moment.
Dennis scoffed, eyes darkened and walked away from the room. He was muttering words under his breath.
Ms. Hawthorne patted my shoulder and looked at me with a big smile. "Hey, it's fine. We understand. I am sure Dennis will find people."
"I do, too."
"All right, get to class. You are five minutes late." Ms. Hawthorne directed, swaying her arm in the direction of the door. "But, Mr. Reed?"
I started walking toward the door, but I turned around and said. "Yes?"
"The GSA is starting tomorrow if you are interested. In this room at lunch," She mentioned before she sat down at her desk, looking down at the ream of papers.
I started scratching my arm. Because knowing this was going to be my only chance to make friends. The face that Denis made was condescending, and yet it still hurt because he wanted this GSA to happen. I had the power to make him happy. Stupid anxiety had gotten the best of me. It always does. My arm started burning underneath my palms.
I hastily scurried out of the classroom and walked toward my class, which was Science. But before I could get any further away from the school. Kyle called out my name. I froze in my tracks, feeling my heart welt with these feelings of annoyance and joy. It was weird but electric like a light was switched on.
I turned around, smiling and rubbing my arm eased.
Kyle approached me with a big smile. His hair looked flat today but still had volume at the edges like a river bend. He stopped in front of me and started rubbing his arms. I felt a bit aroused by how submissive he looked at the moment. I wanted to redirect the feelings because of what he had done before, but I wanted him close.
"Hey, sorry," He started. My mouth twitched to a grin. "I just wanted to apologize for what I did the other day."
My heart was alleviated once I heard those words. I started rubbing the back of my head, unknowing what I wanted to say. I felt awkward that he had to come up to me to apologize. I wanted it to be in a romantic but respectful way. But this would suffice.
"Don't mention it," I fretted, my feet swaying back and forth. "But thank you."
"I just noticed that you weren't yourself since we hung out. Especially since you never looked out the window for a few days."
I blushed, and my stomach knotted itself as the overhand knot. I wanted to laugh unbearably because I thought he would never know it was me. I am the only one who looks out the window, hoping to find him. "OH." That is all I said at the moment.
"Yeah. I've always seen you looking out the window. It was nice to have a watchdog looking out for me," He chortled as he fixed his hair to stand up, but it flopped back down. "I knew it was because of how I acted that day that you stopped... caring."
"I guess..." I replied, trying not to sound annoyed.
"I just wanted to apologize for how I acted at your house and never got anything done."
I blushed and smiled. "No, you're fine."
I wanted to tell him how I felt. I appreciated how he had the guts to describe how he was sorry. But, again, I tried to tell him how I felt. For once, I could get to stand up for myself; instead, I went along with it. I bit my lower lip and closed my eyes. Thinking how much I was an idiot. I opened my eyes to him, staring into my soul, trying to read my body language. I stiffened up as I realized he was.
"Okay, great," he sounded awkward, like he never wanted to tell but forced himself to. "I just wanted to let you know...."
"Thank you, Kyle."
"So, what time will it be a great time to study with you?" he asked. "After class today, I realized how engrossing the story was. I want to try to read this book," He announced.
I smiled and watched how his body became relaxed. Which ultimately made me feel comfortable. "Um, how does six sound?"
"Great," he smiled with his eyes, and his body wiggled excitedly. "Anyways, I got to get to class. I'll see you later, Wallflower."
I smiled back at him. "I will. See you later."
Kyle began walking away in the opposite direction of me. I watched his body slowly stiffen as if he had something to say. He turned around and said. "Terrance, you may think of me as an asshole because I am. But for some reason. When I came over that day, I realized how different you were from what people say about you."
"What do people say about me?" Feeling a sickening wincing in my stomach.
"Nothing to compare to who you are, Terrance."
I wanted him to tell me the truth. I didn't because I knew it would eat away at me what people thought of me. I already knew I was Wallflower Terrance, But what else were they talking about? I hated that feeling that they were more than just a nickname. But I looked at him with a hurtful stare and asked him. "What do you think of me?"
He was silent at first, like he was examining me. "I think I like you. I think you are a cool guy, Wallflower."
He walked away. He was leaving me with a broken, open heart with immense feelings. Though beneath all those cute feelings laid a sense of the unknown. I hope he was not joking about what he said. Though, he could be joking. However, I let the moment swoon me.