It was November. A couple of months since I started crushing on him.
I was sitting in English class, waiting for the class to begin. I was looking outside the window, looking for Kyle. He was always late, and I always was looking out, so I could see him running across the school lawn. I always told the teacher Kyle was coming, so he wouldn't be marked absent. Despite us never talking or interacting, or even him knowing I was the one telling the teacher about his presence at school. I still felt obliged, mainly to accompany my feelings for him.
Today, he was walking, not running. Though, I didn't feel nervous about him being late. It meant I had more time to check him out and stare at his beauty. The way he walked, he looked proud and confident. And it was a turn-on. He wore his favourite tight black sweater with an unknown metal hand logo on the front. He always wore it; if not, it was probably a band t-shirt of another unknown band. Though he did not seem the type to be into metal, I suppose he was.
"Excuse me, Terrance?" The teacher's voice caught me off guard.
I shook my head and stared at Ms. Hawthorne with a dumbfounded face. "Yes?"
"Is Kingfield coming?" Ms. Hawthorne asked.
"Yes. He's coming," I replied with a slow and steady tone. I was unsure by the way he strolled to class today. But I am sure it was because he was trying to play it cool.
"All right, class, we will begin,"
I took out the book; The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls that the class was reading for a book study. I quickly peered out the window again to see if Kyle had made it in already. But no. He was walking away from the school. His strides looked like he was going somewhere with haste.
I groaned. Today was going to be without Kyle. It was more frequent that he needed to show up to class. I always wondered what he was doing and how he managed to keep up with his grades. I guess that's what happens when you have to be the "bad boy" of the grade.
With that, I kept my focus on class, kept quiet, and listened to the teacher.
Kyle returned as the class ended, and my stomach fluttered as he entered the room just five minutes before the bell rang. Ms. Hawthorne was displeased and quickly escorted him out. Although I felt terrible for not standing up for him, I didn't know why he had skipped class, which was irresponsible. Despite this, I still wanted to help him, although I kept my head down and waited on my phone until the bell rang.
Kyle and Ms. Hawthorne walked in, and she had a face that flushed red. Her eyes pulsated with rage, and her lips tightened as if she had eaten sour candy. Kyle smirked while he was out of the teacher's face. I could tell that Kyle didn't care.
As Kyle walked past to sit at his desk in the back. The girls beside me looked and each other and began whispering amongst themselves. But I started to eavesdrop on the girls beside me as they mentioned Kyle's name.
"Kyle has been hooking up with many older women," one girl said. "Imagine how low you must be hooking up with older women."
The second girl laughed and gawked. "Yeah, talk about toxic masculinity."
I looked back at Kyle without making it obvious and pretended to stare at the clock above him. I moved my eyes down and started checking him out again. I gulped my innocence down my throat and felt weird that I was stalking him across the room. But of course, I was curious if Kyle did the things the girls talked about. I never listen to rumours, but he was late to class and disappearing throughout the day. I felt like that rumour was true.
Like last week, he walked in with a giant hickey on his neck. He tried to hide it with his scarf, but it fell off in front of many people and me. I didn't think much of it, but to other people, it was like eye candy to them. I felt terrible that I was one of those people who couldn't stop staring.
Before I could look away, Kyle caught me. I quickly reacted awkwardly, pretending I was looking around.
The bell rang.
I shot up from my seat and tried to scurry out of the classroom. But the teacher called out for me before I could make it out the door. I slowly looked behind, and Ms. Hawthorne waved me to her desk. It was odd for her too. So I tilted my head and walked toward her.
"What is it, Ms. Hawthorne?" I asked, slowly inching toward her desk.
"Mr. Kingfield? Can you also come to my desk?" She yelled to Kyle.
I looked toward him, and he was ready to walk out, but he leaned his head forward with a deep annoyed sigh. He turned around and sarcastically smiled at both of us.
"Yes? Ms. Hawthorne?" He unenthusiastically replied.
I felt my body tighten once he stood beside me. My face glowed red, and I felt sweat coming down my face. Having him beside me made me feel something deep below my waist. It was a boner. I felt incredibly embarrassed that even standing close to me was enough for me to get a boner. It was honestly the first time I got one from him. I guess my body has reached new levels.
"So, Kyle. You missed a huge portion of the book study we are doing. I suggest you catch up if you want to pass this class," Ms. Hawthorne advised. "So, I am assigning you with Terrance to help you with this study. I think his smarts will help you guide you through the class."
My heart stopped; briefly, my face grew bright, and my ears turned pink. Having this happening to me was the most stressful thing to happen to me. I know I should be happy, but this scared me for some reason. I could sense from here that Kyle was also stressed. I could hear bones cracking beside me. I looked down to see his fists curled tightly to the point where it was white.
"With Wallflower Terrance?" Kyle groaned.
A sharp bolt shot through me.
"His name is Terrance, Kyle," Ms. Hawthorne defended.
"Yeah, I know. But I heard he is not fun to hang out with. I rather do it with somebody else. Do I have to?" He cried.
"Yes!"
Another bolt hit me in the chest. Those little words felt like a punch to my dick. I felt utterly gross to be around at that moment. I held my tongue because I knew I wasn't as confident as he was. I wanted to say something but felt scared to stand up, especially to Kyle.
Damn it, I thought.
"The decision has been made. You and Terrance are working together for the rest of the project. Until you're caught up!" Ms. Hawthorne cried.
"Fine," Kyle groaned. He looked at me and smiled, though I knew he was teasing me. I faintly smiled back at him.
"Now, please leave. I want to enjoy my break before another band of monsters comes in!" Ms. Hawthorne cried, making a shooing hand gesture.
I started walking away before anything got more awkward between Kyle and me. I didn't expect Kyle to know me by my nickname. I thought it was only a select few, but I suppose the handle spread like water throughout the school. I felt sad that he ought to think of me as boring. I mean, I am. But I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable with me. Well, there goes my chance with a hot guy. Oh well...
"Hey! Terrance!" Kyle yelled behind me.
I looked behind to see him lurching toward me. I blushed red. "Hi," I faintly said.
"What's your social media?" He asked me.
I blushed even harder. But not at the fact that he was asking for my social media; it's because I never had one. Ever. I never had the desire to make one. Since I never had friends, never cared about my other family, and never trusted putting my soul into making myself known. I guess my nickname was accurate.
He furrowed his eyebrows at me, waiting for a response.
"Oh... I don't have one...." I awkwardly said.
"Why?" He obnoxiously replied.
His stance became impatient and annoyed. It made me feel small compared to him, with the immense emotions in his body and face. I started shaking.
"Never... I never felt.... Like I needed one because I never had...." I stammered, and I stopped. "I never had friends."
He moaned. "Clearly."
My crush on him slowly felt like decaying with more words coming out of his beautiful lips. I had never thought he would speak like this. I always heard him talk. It was always sweet talk or something funny and fun. But maybe it was because I was the senior wallflower. I quivered as I stared at him with his asshole response. He must've noticed how he replied and how I stood there because his stance changed, and his eyes widened.
"Listen. I'm sorry. I just had a rough morning; I don't want to be here. I've been a dick to everyone today. So please don't take it personally," He avowed as he crossed his arms.
I wanted to tell him he was a jerk for acting this way to me. But I didn't let the words flow out like they did; they stayed in my mind. Waiting or even slowly withering away. I just smiled and said, "Don't worry, dude. I am not bothered. I understand."
Kyle smiled. "Fine. After school today, we will meet later, and we can work out something to help both of us?"
His damn smile. It made me blush once again. I scratched the back of my head. "Yeah. Let's meet somewhere?"
"The flag beside the bus zone. We can talk then," He advised. "See you then, Wallflower Terrance."
I watched him stroll away with an odd lurch, like he had sat on a couch for a long time. I didn't think much of it anyways. He was cute regardless of his funny walk. I smiled and slowly walked in the opposite direction.
The final bell rang, and my heart exploded from being excited to hang out with Kyle. I had dreamt of this day since I first met him. It was weird to do so because I had never dreamt of hanging out with someone like him. I liked being the quiet kid. But maybe, being friends with Kyle, I can slowly break out of my social anxiety. But even just thinking of being an extrovert made me tired.
I patiently waited for him by the flag pole in the bus zone. While I was waiting, I was drawing him, mainly from memory. I loved drawing when I was bored. It was my go-to when I needed some relaxation. And right now, I needed peace. My heart felt like a cement block was hitting it.
I thought I couldn't believe I would hang out with Kyle.
I scanned the area to see if Kyle would show up, but I could not see his evergreen eyes in the crowd. I sigh, thinking he might have ditched me. Maybe it was too good to be true, and my fantasy wouldn't come true. I looked down at my drawing of him. Even from memory, the pencil shading and the strong lines made it look like him. I gently brushed my finger on his cheek. Hoping I would get to do it someday. Or never.
A shadow hovered over me, and I looked up. It was Kyle. He glared at me and the drawing on my sketchbook. He grinned slightly when he realized I had drawn him. "Is that supposed to be me?" He asked.
My heart skipped its beat, and I quickly closed my sketchbook. "No, no..." I nervously replied, waving my arms in his direction.
His grin turned sideways, along with his eyebrows, telling me he felt awkward. I quickly retreated the sketchbook back into my backpack, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. I couldn't believe he had seen my drawing of him. What if he thinks I'm a pervert? I am a pervert for drawing him. Or maybe there was no way he had seen and just caught a glimpse. I could try to change the situation and make up a stupid story. Or what if he saw through me and thought I was a lair? Oh god, I am so lost in this mess, I thought.
"Well, okay... I am ready when you are," He interrupted my busy mind.
I wanted to say something cool or anything. But I let out a slight agreement hum and did finger guns. I didn't realize how cringe that was until I was too far in, and he stared at me with an awkward side grin. I slowly decreased my finger gun speed and flopped my hands in my lap.
"Sorry," I quietly said. "Let's go."
I hastily straightened my shirt while he nodded and gestured to the right. It was evident that he felt as uneasy as I did around him. I had never experienced such social interaction before. It was like trying to dip your toes in the water for the first time--the initial chill followed by warmth. However, for me, the situation felt like diving into Arctic waters. I knew that things would not thaw anytime soon, particularly with Kyle. He felt cold, and uncertainty was apparent. And I am scared to keep trying to see if it was proper to level with him.
"Well, show me the way to your house, Wallflower," He mentioned as he stared up at me.
"Oh." It slipped out of me.
"What?"
"Oh, nothing. I was not expecting you want to come to my house?"
I was hoping it was me going to his house. For some reason, the idea of him coming to my house made me uncomfortable. Only slightly. My father always begged me to have friends over, but my mom, on the other hand, never wanted people around.
"My folks don't like having company over, even if it was for this," His tone became unsure and distant. I wouldn't pressure him for further details because I don't want to seem rude.
"Oh, that's fine!" I blurted out before the silence took both of us, "We can go to my place. It's no biggie."
"All right, Wallflower," Kyle mused. "Lead the way."
We walked mostly in silence on the way to my house. I tried to speak, but my mind held back stupid thoughts and questions like "What is your favourite ice cream?" Or "What do you think the stars above us are saying to us right now?" All stupid questions. Though, when I peer down at him, I feel a tingle in my chest. I liked the way his side profile looked. His cheeks were always slim, and the way his hair was swooped to the side. Especially the way his eyes glimmered every time we passed through the sun. I wanted to say something about his appearance, but that would be weird. Very weird. So I quickly faced the ground and stayed in my muddled thoughts.
"So. Wallflower?" Kyle broke the silence.
I inched my head up and stared at him. He was looking up at me with a slight smile in his eyes. I blushed. "Yeah?"
"Why are you the quiet boy?" He asked me.
Frankly, I never knew I decided to be quiet. I liked how I could be thinking to myself in my head like this. I was weird whenever I talked and when I tried to be like the other kids. I never needed that ratification of being someone modern society designed us to be. I loved being comfortable inside my box. Though, as I said before. I wanted friends, but not crazy friends. Just laid-back friends, I felt satisfied with being inside our boxes together.
"I don't know. I prefer to be one with myself," I replied, staring at the rustling dying leaves. "It's easier to stay quiet than be loud."
"So, you choose to be a wallflower?"
"I wouldn't say choose. I like to think I use the term feeling comfortable."
"Okay, Wallflower," Kyle chuckled.
I could feel my ears turn pink, and my chest was inflating with feelings. I don't particularly like hearing Wallflower coming from people. But when it was coming from Kyle. Hearing that made everything in my world feel better. It was a turn-on.
It was only another five minutes of silently walking to my house. When we finally arrived, Kyle gasped when he saw my house. It was a ranch-style house that my father built when he got a promotion as a full-time doctor. It was not much, but it was home. The maroon paint accompanied the river rock walls. The clean-cut green hedges barricade the flagstone pathway to the house.
"Is this your house?" Kyle gasped.
"Yeah. It is."
I glanced over to see Kyle was blushing, and his lips were quivering. I couldn't tell whether he was going to cry or if he was getting nervous. I started to lift my hand to pat his back, but I stopped. I blushed.
"Wallflower, this is a beautiful house," Kyle gaped as he slowly walked up the pathway. "Wow."
"It's nothing...."
Kyle stopped and stared at me, his expression changing from awe to disappointment, causing me to flinch. I laughed nervously, but he turned away and continued walking towards the house. As I rubbed my skin, I realized that not everyone has the same luxuries my family enjoys, especially considering our Indigenous heritage. I've visited other family homes where I couldn't walk barefoot without getting sick.
As we were about to enter the house, my little sister Lina came running up to us, gasping at the sight of Kyle. She examined him like a little robot, her smile growing wider than her face, causing me to blush.
"Terrance!" She gawked. "You brought a friend over?"
"Yes, Lina. Now leave us be!" I cried at her.
My father's voice pierced through beyond the hedges. "Hey, don't talk to your sister that way--oh, well, if you look at that."
Father's face appeared over the hedges, looking at Kyle and me. My eyes widened as I knew what he was thinking. I had told everybody in my family that I was gay. I was thankful that they all accepted who I was. They were so acceptable that my parents watched gay movies with me. We watched Brokeback Mountain, Love, Simon, and All you can eat. It was the worst few movie nights we had. Because one, Mother always had "girl talk" with me, and I never really understood why I had to listen to her gossip. Frankly, I never liked gossip. Two, Father loved teasing me. When I wasn't out, he would tease me about girls, and if there were a half-naked girl on the screen, he would poke me and tell me if I wanted the genital parts. Now, it was the opposite. He would prompt me when a shirtless guy walked past and ooed if I had to speak to a male cashier. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but they were more than usual.
"He is a friend...." I quickly mentioned. "A study buddy that Ms. Hawthorne assigned me to help with."
"Hello, Mr. Reed. My name is Kyle Kingfield," Kyle introduced himself as he took his hand out. To my surprise, he knew my last name.
"Well, thank you, Mr. Kingfield." Father happily said as he took Kyle's hand. "Welcome to our humble house."
Kyle nodded. I glared at Father, knowing what he was thinking. When Kyle got distracted by Lina asking him a question. Father lightly raised his eyebrows and gave me this expression that said, "Dang son, he is cute." I clenched my jaw and gave him an evil stare. He raised his hands in the air and sarcastically frowned.
"Um, come on, Kyle," I quickly said. "Let's go to my room."
"All right," Kyle agreed. "Bye, Lina."
"Bye, Kylie!" Lina gleefully shouted, waving at Kyle. Then sprinted to where Father was, working on the hedges.
"Did she say, Kylie?" Kyle asked. He looked at me with a crooked eyebrow and a slight smirk.
I snickered. "Yeah, she did."
"Well, I guess that will be my name for her."
We walked in, and Kyle stopped in the middle of walking in. His head darted left to the right, examining everything from top to bottom. I could tell that Kyle had never seen a house like this before. I didn't want to pressure him to move any further. Because the way he was reacting to everything seemed to be a shock to him. I slipped between him and stood in front of him.
"Hey, if you're not comfortable--"
Kyle fretted, and he crossed his arms. "Oh no. Your house is stunning. To be honest. I thought of you poor and less fortunate."
That comment made me feel upset that he assumed that of me. What if it was my rumour? I knew my nickname, but what else were people talking about me? I started rubbing my arm, and my face started getting itchy. I knew he probably never meant it, but it still hurt. I wanted to ask him where he got that idea since he had never spoken to me. But nothing had come out, just that stupid social barrier. I just smiled and forced a laugh out.
I made up some corny joke. "Oh yeah, I live inside a box underneath a bridge. I paid these people to let me use their house."
"I am starting to be convinced that you did."
I forced another laugh out. I rubbed my arm even harder, and it started making me get a rash. I told him to come in so he wouldn't let in the mosquitoes.
We slowly took our shoes off, and I told Mother I was home. We trailed deeper into my house, and I could feel Kyle's eyes scanning the entire area. Even I started looking around because, for some reason, I forgot what we had and what it looked like.
The house exuded a warm and inviting atmosphere with its soft brown colour scheme from floor to ceiling. Family photos adorned the walls, showcasing every adventure and holiday Father could arrange, from Whistler, BC to London, UK. Mother had a penchant for displaying cheesy sayings like "Love, Laugh, Drink Wine" and cheap paintings of fruit and glasses. The natural light that filtered through the large windows illuminated every corner of the house, making it feel bright and airy all day. Though not an open concept, the living room felt spacious with its vaulted ceilings. However, I wasn't a fan of the dollies on every piece of furniture and the overabundance of plants that made it feel like a jungle. The only things I truly appreciated were the fireplace and the dazzling chandelier that hung low. This newfound appreciation for my home made me realize I had everything I needed, except for overcoming my social anxiety.
"My Little Mango, you're back!" My mother's voice came from the kitchen. "Come in the kitchen!"
I looked back, and Kyle was still glancing around the room, his jaw unhinged from his face. I coughed, which made Kyle shake his head, probably out of his fixation on the place. I smiled and signalled Kyle to follow, and he nodded.
We entered the kitchen, and there was my mother, working at the kitchen table, surrounded by her work stuff. My mother was a Facebook seller on the marketplace. She would buy items and trash from people and then sell them for a higher price. It could have been more brightly, but she still got paid well. She tilted her head down to oversee her reading glasses, and then she pushed her glasses up. She started squinting at Kyle, trying to see who it was.
"Little Mango. You got a shadow," She commented as she pulled her glasses down to the tip of her nose.
"Yes, mama. This is Kyle. He came over so I could tutor him for our book study."
Kyle stepped forward and slightly waved at her. At first, Mother frowned because she didn't like when I brought the company over. But she was quick to fix herself up. Mother faked a smile and looked at me with her mouth open like an O. She pushed her chair back and patted her thigh.
"Little Mango. Is this the guy you were talking about?" She shouted.
My body stiffened, and my heart inflated like a watermelon. I could feel every inch of my body break into millions of pieces. I could feel my body temperature rise like I was boiling water. I could feel my face go red. I did not explain any of this nonsense to Kyle. Instead, I just quickly started ushering him out of the room.
"Come on, Kyle," I quavered, walking away as quickly as possible. Then a tiny spark hit my brain, and I promptly spat out the words. "I texted her about you coming. I believe my mother forgot about it."
She gasped. "Oh goodness, gracious." She put her hands on her left cheek and waved with her other hand. "I probably did. Me and my old brain. Well, you two have fun!"
I looked at Kyle, who did not pay enough attention to Mother or me. He was still in admiration of the kitchen. I tapped Kyle on the shoulder, and he flinched and lured his eyes at me. I smiled and signalled him to follow me. He chuckled slightly and nodded. He turned back to my mother and waved at her.
"Nice to meet you, Kyle!" Mother yelled. "Now, where was I?"
Her typing on the keyboard blared throughout the kitchen; it was our sign to leave. I started telling Kyle about what Father and Mother did with their jobs. He just kept nodding and agreeing with everything I was saying. I could not know if he was interested or did not care and would instead go home soon. Of course, I wanted this to be over, but I started liking having him in my house. It was weird but cool.
We stopped in front of my bedroom door, and I turned around to look him dead in the eye. "Listen, Kyle. I have never had... a person over before."
"Really?" He questioned as he crossed his arms.
"Yeah..." I began questioning if this was a good idea. Let alone this was the most I have ever spoken to someone. "That's why I got my nickname, Wallflower Terrance."
"Lucky for you." He added, and I noticed his eyes gazed down to his feet.
"I just want you to know that I am incredibly embarrassed to show you my room, but I have no other choice,"
"Oh, come on, it can't be bad." He pushed me to the side and barged in.
He entered my room, and he froze in time. I clenched my fist and cringed, knowing he was utterly shocked at my room. He started chortling... A good-sounding laugh. I went up to him and looked at him.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Your room...." He stammered. "It's not what I expected!"
My room was people called "Alternative." Frankly, I did not see it the way people did. I found it was my style and spoke to my comfort. I always liked the darker colours of maroon and burgundy. My queen-size bed had all sorts of red and plum-coloured pillows and blankets. My wall had all types of vinyl, from Lana Del Rey to Jo Stafford. I had a large window with black shaders facing the backyard, where you could see the city skyline. I had a little cactus named Lenny that sat on my nightstand. I had a large white desk containing all my books, sketchbooks, and drawings of people and landscapes. I also had a small pride flag in a pencil cup holder directly across from my laptop. It was my room. But I never found an "Alternative."
"Is it a bad thing?" I asked.
"No. Just thought you would be into anime and star wars," Kyle revealed.
I frowned that he thought of that of me. It was becoming clear what people thought of me. I felt myself rubbing my arm again. However, I just laughed. I was letting another blow to my stomach. "Yeah. There is nothing with star wars and anime," I replied, rubbing harder against my arm.
"So, shall we begin?" He asked, walking toward my bed.
"Yeah. Let's begin...." I said as I dropped my bag on the ground.
There was something inside me that hurt. It was a little unsettling feeling. There may be something about Kyle I did not like. I had always imagined him coming to my house, but I wished he would leave. I know he didn't mean what he said, but it was so blunt. It was like people always talked about me behind my back. I thought being a wallflower was me being unnoticed and out of people's lives. But I guess there was way more behind the scenes in my life. I felt heartbroken that Kyle would think those stuff of me and not take the time to know the real me. I don't believe the stuff people say about Kyle. But yet again, I wasn't the one making those rumours and pretending I cared. I always tried to see the good in people, even if Kyle was our grade's "Bad Boy." But I can't always get high hopes for those you like.
I wanted him to leave.