☆
☆
☆
That night I hardly got any sleep, my guilt-filled tears kept me up. The worry of the managers hearing me also held me awake.
The next morning the managers woke me up which I was happy about but also annoyed at since I am not a morning person... but I asked for it.
My eyes were all red and puffy and my hair a mess from my tossing and turning. My phone gave me migraines as I basically spent the whole night texting Oikawa and re-reading his text "Don't speak to me". I looked back to a week ago when he was the one spamming me and all I wanted was for him to stop. And now here I was doing the exact same thing, I knew he probably wanted to be left alone but my conscious couldn't handle that.
I'm so selfish
I zoned out while making breakfast with the other managers, I felt so out of place with them and it wasn't even their fault.
Why did I agree to come to this?
Why am I finding it so hard to fit in with them?
I'm being so... weird
As they were all laughing and joking a bowl slipped out of my hand and smashed all over the ground. I apologised over and over again as I picked up the glass harshly with blurry eyes, trying to fix the mess I had created on the ground quickly. The other managers said it was ok and that I shouldn't touch the glass but that didn't stop me. It was like when that bowl dropped anything that was keeping my composure also broke.
How could I be so careless?
I always break things
I didn't even realise I had a cut on my hand until Kiyoko grabbed my wrist roughly and pulled me away from the glass "Y/n stop" she said as she looked down at me seriously. I looked up at her in shock, I was frozen. Silence filled the room as blood leaked down my hand
I stood up slowly and Kiyoko still had a strong grasp on my wrist.
"I'm sorry" I said for the millionth time but this time it was filled with sadness instead of panic and worry
I looked down shamefully at the broken glass, my blood slowly dripped on it and the sight of my own blood made me sick. Kiyoko let go of my wrist as she lightly grabbed my hand to look at the cut, being careful to not get blood on her
"Stop apologising. It was an accident" she scolded and I slowly nodded my head
"I'll clean it up," I said as I took my hand from hers and went to grab a broom
"It's ok, we got it" one manager said "You go put a bandaid on" another one said. Both of them had kind smiles on their faces, it made me sad that I felt so awkward around them.
I gave a small nod and walked out of the kitchen quietly as all of the managers stared at me, sympathy and worry filling their stares.
I was glad all the teams were still asleep because it would have been even more humiliating for everyone to see me this way.
I walked to the bathroom and washed the blood away, I looked blankly at the water turning red.
I deserved this
Should've been worse
Thats fucked up
I really need to go back to therapy
I wrapped a few tissues around my wet hand and walked out of the bathroom slowly. I made my way to the first aid room and grabbed a bandaid, for the first time ever — I didn't even care that it was a boring bandaid.
As I went to walk out of the first aid room someone slammed open the door urgently, I was dragged out of my dark thoughts at the sudden loudness
I looked at Tsukishima shocked as he stood at the door breathing heavily from running.
He was in his pyjamas and had slippers that were half off his feet, his hair was messy and he didn't have his glasses on. His face without glasses always surprises me, no matter how many times I see it.
He walked up to me and looked down at me concerned as he grabbed my shoulders "What happened?" He asked as he looked me all over making sure I was ok
"Why are you here?" I asked confused. He noticed my hand that I had bundled up in my other hand and his eyes changed from worried ones to saddened ones as he grabbed my hand lightly and took the tissue off to see a big cut leading from the middle of my palm down to my wrist
My eyes followed his eyes and I looked down at my palm. It was my first time realising how big it was and I wondered how I didn't feel it when it happened or how I even managed to do it.
"Y/n, you need to be more careful! How could you be so stupid?" He said, furrowing his eyebrows madly as he examined the cut
I looked away annoyed at his ridiculing "My mind was on other things."
He sighed as he looked all over my face, his worry resurfacing. He didn't let my hand go as he went to grab disinfectant spray, it's like he was scared that something would happen to me if he let go
He looked me deeply in the eyes as he was about to spray the disinfectant "It's gonna sting a little, ok?" I nodded my head scared. He sprayed the bottle all over the cut and I pinched my eyes together
"Ow," I winced. I opened my eyes confused when I felt a cold sensation on my hand, it was Tsukishima blowing on my cut to soothe it.
He grabbed the bandaid from my other hand and shook his head "You can't use bandaids for this type of cut," he said as he put it back in the box and picked up a bandage and a dressing pad
"Sorry Mr Doctor," I said and I saw a little smile on his face before he went back to his worrying face
He unrolled the bandage and held it with his teeth since he was still too scared to let go of my hand. He looked closely at how much he wanted to cut before grabbing scissors and cutting it and then placing the bandage aside as he picked up a dressing pad and lightly placed it on my cut
He looked at my hand to the bandage and sighed "This is gonna be complicated" he whispered to himself
"You could just use your other hand," I said moving my injured hand up and down as his hand was still wrapped around it
He ignored what I said as he grabbed my other hand and placed it on the dressing pad as he grabbed the bandage and wrapped it around making sure to do it really tight
"Do you want me to tape it or do you want me to tie it?" He asked curiously
Scared that he would amputate my hand by tying it I asked him to tape the end up. He nodded his head and got tape from the first aid kit, he ripped it off with his teeth before putting it on my bandage
His eyes switched from mine to my hand as he lightly rubbed over the tape to secure it, he did it for a few minutes as he got lost in thought.
He glanced at me quickly before looking back down at my hand nervously. He slowly raised my hand up to his mouth as he gave the area my cut was in a kiss.
I looked up at him with wide eyes and the weird sensation that's starting to happen more regularly when I'm with Tsukishima, appeared again. Usually, when I feel this feeling I try to brush it away, but this time, I relished in the warmness of my feeling. The feeling was so familiar, it felt like home which was nice because I felt like some sort of alien at this training camp.
His kiss brought me comfort and I felt the urge to smile over the fact he remembered what I had told him.
For the first time in 9 hours, I didn't feel guilty but when I realised I didn't feel guilty I started to feel guilty over the fact that I didn't because I should feel guilty. In a few seconds, all my warmness went away and my mind was filled with thoughts.
"Thanks" I whispered as I looked away and took my hand out of his hand harshly "Why are you here?" I asked again
"Yachi came to tell me that you hurt your hand"
"How nice of her," I said sarcastically and he looked down at me confused
He examined my face trying to figure out what was going on in my brain "What are you doing?"
"What do you mean?" I asked annoyed
"You can do whatever you want but that isn't going to push me away" he crossed his arms and I rolled my eyes
"Or maybe I don't need you to come running in here acting like some hero just because your little girlfriend told you to," I said as I barged past him and walked out of the first aid room
He followed behind me and I groaned "Stop it Y/n," he said as he grabbed my shoulder and I looked up at him madly
"Don't touch me!" I said knocking his hand off my shoulder
I thought at that point he would have gotten upset or mad at my words and actions but to my surprise, his eyes were still filled with warmness "I don't care what you do... I'm not leaving you," he said still following me
"And you say I'm annoying," I said as I turned a few corners, not having a destination, I just wanted to get away
"Just because you are hurting does not mean you need to push me away," he said from behind me. My heart was screaming at me to stop as it couldn't bare the weight of being mean to him but my mind was bombarding me with horrible thoughts
"What do you want from me? You hate it when I bottle up my emotions but when I let them out you tell me to stop? What is it that I need to do?" I asked annoyed as I walked faster
"You aren't letting them out though! You're still avoiding them just this time you're using anger to gloss over them, it's not healthy!" he said walking faster to try and walk next to me. I had never been faster than Tsukishima before, it must have been the adrenaline.
"I'm sorry I'm not as emotionally stable as you!" I said with a laugh as I looked up at him madly and he sighed
He grabbed my wrist and then my other one holding me still and stopping me from walking. He looked down at me sadly as I struggled to get out of his grip "Let go of me!"
I started to get more overwhelmed and before I knew it we were sitting on the ground as he coddled me in his arms while I cried. I was still mumbling "Let me go" as I hugged him just as tightly as he hugged me
He stroked my hair trying to calm me down as my pleads of let me go turned into "I'm sorry" over and over
"I'm a bad person"
"You're being dramatic," he said trying to be comforting but failing "I'm sorry, you're not being dramatic your just being... you. But the thing is you need to try and not Y/n it up, you overthink too much, you worry too much and you blame yourself too much. Stop doing that, at least for this situation"
"I can't change myself," I said defeated and he sighed
"That's not what I'm saying- I'm just saying to try and get out your head," he said as he leaned away and poked my head
"It's... hard to do that," I said looking away awkwardly
"I know," he said smiling down at me warmly
"I'm sorry for being so mean," I said and he chuckled
"You're funny"
"I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me," I said wiping my tears away, he looked down at me offended
"I've said way nicer things to you!" He said defensively. Then I noticed the position that we were in — I was in between his legs with his arms wrapped around me. I looked at his shirt which had tear marks on it from when he cradled my head into his chest.
When I fully realised I got a little nervous but that wasn't even surprising, what was surprising was the fact that we had been in this situation before. Not the exact situation but so many situations close to this one. So many moments and interactions close to this one. And that's when I noticed that me and Tsukishima always have physical contact, not a day goes by where we don't have our hands on each other at least once, we always have moments like this one. Which made me wonder if that was normal.
He gave me a teasing smirk "Are your cheeks red because of your crying or because of something else?" he asked and I left my thoughts as i began to get embarrassed
"Because of crying obviously!" I said as I got out his arms and moved myself to the wall across from him, I regained my composure and crossed my arms "See, that wasn't very nice" I referred to our previous conversation
He rolled his eyes "I show my niceness through actions not words" he said and I squinted my eyes
"Is that why you always by ice cream for me?" I smiled
"Yes because I'm a nice soul" he said looking away from me and I giggled
The hallway we were in was narrow so we weren't far apart from each other. Our legs were right next to each other, straight out and it BURNED since I never do any sort of stretching. I swayed my feet left to right, accidentally hitting him in the leg a few times but he didn't seem to care that much.
We sat quietly and he looked at me expectingly, waiting for me to talk about something "Why don't you talk for once?" I asked him, feeling bad that I'm always the one talking.
"I don't have anything to talk about," he shrugged
"Why do you think I do?" I asked him and he smirked at me
"I know you do," he said a little cocky cause he knew he was right. I stared at him and he stared at me, challenging each other to break first.
I rolled my eyes and sighed as I looked away from him. I weirdly felt myself wanting to talk to him about my thoughts, for once I didn't feel nervous talking about them. "I just- I don't like being sad" I mumbled as I looked at him and then looked away again
"I know," he said quietly
"But I can't help it, my life has been so... grey recently, which makes me sad because I don't like it when it's so grey. As pathetic as it is I can pinpoint that the Kageyama thing is the time when it started to go grey" I said awkwardly. Tsukishima was about to say something, probably about how he would make me feel better but I talked before he could "The only time I feel colourful is when I'm with... you. And that scares me because I can't be with you all the time and this might sound... creepy but what if you leave me too? What will I do then?" I bared to him nervously. A weight lifted off my shoulders as my words fell out of my mouth.
I can't believe I told him all that
When I'm with Kei I'm always vulnerable with him and he gets to see the real me more than anyone else ever will but there is still a layer over certain parts of me that I still want to keep hidden, like how I'm scared I'll be abandoned by everyone. I keep it hidden because I'm scared the more I pull the more I accidentally push. But I needed to tell him my fear.
"Y/n I don't think you realise this but if I leave you, I'm fucked. No one else will put up with me," he said and I laughed "I'm being serious" he smiled widely
"Is that the only reason you stay?" I asked, wanting to tease him a little as he looked nervous
"You always let me finish your ice cream," he said and I looked at him madly
"I don't let you! You just do it!" I shouted and he laughed
Once he stopped laughing he looked at me nervously before looking away "The silence would consume me if I didn't have you" he said seriously as he avoided eye contact, I couldn't contain the big smile from growing on my face at his words but I held in my laughter when I saw how red he was
"Thank you... I think?" I questioned confused even though I knew it was a very big thank you
"Seeing what stupid thing you'll do next makes me keep living even though you almost give me a heart attack every time, so I guess I'll have to stick around to make sure you don't do anything too stupid," he said as he crossed his arms
"One more pinky promise?" I asked, out raising my pinky for him
"I'm sure this won't be the last one," he said as he linked his pinky with mine
"You promise?" I giggled and he rolled his eyes
"You're silly," he said taking his pinky away
I pouted as I leaned against the wall again "Rude" he rolled his eyes "Do you think that because I've bled, your blood has left my system?" I asked looking at my hand curiously
"You're ridiculous," he said and I scoffed
"You're annoying"
"You're small"
"You're ugly"
"I know you're that but what am I?"
"What are you? Five years old?" I said crossing my arms
"You started it not me" he said crossing his arms as well
"You called me ridiculous!" I said madly
"Cause you were being ridiculous!" He said back moody
"Hey! I get to be moody not you!" I said nudging his leg with my foot
"You're always moody" he said nudging my leg back and I looked at him with a puzzled expression
Am I in a different universe right now?
I am never moody
"What world are you living in?" I questioned astonished by his statement
He sighed and I just shook my head to knock off his weirdness. We sat in silence, occasionally looking at each other until we started a staring contest on accident
"Can you even see me right now?" I questioned after a few minutes since he was staring into my soul
"Yes, I'm not that blind," he said trying to focus
Since we were staring at each other in silence my thoughts roamed to different things as I started to worry and think about my relationship with Tsukishima
Worrying words slipped out of my mind before I could stop them "Don't you think that every time we're friends again something happens? Maybe the universe doesn't want us to be friends" I questioned and he blinked surprised. I didn't even think to cheer for my win as I waited for him to reply but he just stared at me "I dunno I just realised it" I shrugged
"Well... screw the universe" he shrugged back at me
Screw the universe
Hm
Just then "wake me up before you go-go" started playing and that told us it was time for everyone else to wake up
"I think it's bizarre they chose this to wake us up. What happened to an alarm clock?" Tsukishima shouted as he covered his ears
"I chose it!" I shouted back happily and he looked at me disgusted
I sang the lyrics and he looked at me annoyed as he sat with his hands over his ears and a pout on his face. I was having the best time of my life until it stopped after a few minutes. Tsukishima sighed relieved once it stopped and stood up. He helped me stand up and I hit my legs a few times to wake them up while he stretched
"Time to see Bokuto," I said tired and he laughed
"Still crazy to me that you don't like him," he said shaking his head in disbelief
"Me too," I said making my thinking face
I wonder why I dislike Bokuto
As we neared the corner to the dining room I got nervous. I'm not sure why, maybe seeing the other managers? The possibility that my whole team knew about how careless I was? I'm not sure what made me more nervous but it made my heart beat in my ears
Tsukishima could notice my nervousness so he grabbed my hand lightly
"It's ok" he squeezed my hand lightly and I smiled at him
"Why am I finding it so hard to get along with the other managers?" I asked him hoping he would know the answer since he seems to know everything
"What do you mean? Are they being mean to you?" He asked concerned and I shook my head
"No, nothing like that, they're actually being really nice to me"
"Maybe just try and let go" he shrugged and I giggled
"I'm sorry, that's just so funny coming from you, you're the most uptight person I know" I laughed and he looked at me madly
"Haha, hilarious" he rolled his eyes
When we walked into the dining room which was filled with people I quickly let go of Tsukishima's hand so no one would see. Which was lucky as Kuroo started approaching us "Y/n do you want to eat breakfast with me again today?" He asked with his breakfast in his hands
"I should probably eat with my team, I don't want to become an outcast. Plus Kei has no friends so I would be evil to leave him alone," I said as I clutched my heart
"You are such a hero," Kuroo said with a bunch of rice in his mouth
"I know right," I said smiling bravely
Tsukishima looked between us both madly "You guys think you're funny but you're not!"
"Calm down, big guy" Kuroo said slapping Tsukishima's back. As Tsukishima began to reply, Kuroo shoved rice into his mouth
Tsukishima started choking from the surprise of having rice shoved into his mouth
"HES DYING" I shouted as I started slapping Tsukishima's back hard. I grabbed a random cup of water from a table and tried to get him to drink it but he refused "Never mind it's not that bad if he's refusing water"
Kuroo held his own water up to Tsukishima and Tsukishima sadly blinked before grabbing the water and drinking it "That was gross" Tsukishima said disgusted "I should have just chosen death"
"We'll just go now," I said pushing Tsukishima away so he couldn't shout at Kuroo for almost killing him
I pushed Tsukishima into a seat and sat down next to him
Daichi looked down at me happily "Y/n! You're joining us for breakfast?!" He said with a big smile and I nodded my head
"Yeah, sorry my presence has been sort of ghostly lately" I laughed nervously and he shook his head
"We're just glad you're okay," he said as he passed me rice
"And that you and Tsukishima are ok again" Noya said and I looked at him with a smile
"Yeah Kei tried to sleep with my mom so..." I said sadly and Hinata looked at me shocked
"He what?" Hinata said as he sat down next to me
"I WHAT?" Tsukishima said at the exact same time as Hinata
"It's a joke it's a joke!" I said to Hinata as he stared at Tsukishima shocked "It was a bad joke," I said shaking a stunned Hinata
"How could Tsukishima do that to me?" Hinata said sadly
HUH?
"What?" I questioned confused
"Hinata has a crush on your mom cause she's super hot," Tanaka said and I looked at him creeped out
"How do you know what my mom looks like?" I asked scared
"Kageyama sent us her Facebook," he said like it was normal
"Excuse me?" I said shocked "okkkk that's a little weird," I said concerned and none of the team seemed to notice how weird this was "Kei it's weird right?" I asked looking up at Tsukishima as he ate his rice
"What do you expect from a team like this?" he said shrugging
"Ok, but my mom?" I asked confused
"I mean... she is pretty attractive," he said and I looked at him with my mouth wide
"EWWW! That's my mom" I said shoving him and he laughed
After breakfast was over I offered to help the other managers wash the dishes but they said I shouldn't risk my cut getting dirty. I hated washing dishes anyway so I didn't put up much of a fight and just walked to the gym
Everything was already set up and I figured the managers must have done it while I was with Tsukishima. I sat down on the bench and waited for practice to start since I had nothing else to do and I couldn't bother the team as they were warming up
"Y/n, do you feel like doing your job today?" Coach Ukai asked me as he walked over to me
"Yknow you have asked me that like every day so far," I said annoyed and he squinted his eyes at me
"It's because you haven't been doing your job for the past three days!" He said and I rolled my eyes
"Well I can't today anyway because I'm injured," I said showing him my hand
"The injured bird still gets the worm," he said as he sat down next to me
"That is NOT a saying," I said laughing
"It doesn't matter, my point is that you should still do stuff," he said annoyed
"But I'm injured," I said looking at my hand and he rolled his eyes "Yknow it's my broken arm too! What if I break it again?" I questioned and he looked at me madly
"You are such a baby," he said shaking his head
Before I could reply the referee blew the whistle and the matches started, I tried to watch but felt myself falling asleep so I looked at my phone. I couldn't help myself but look at Oikawa's text again. The bad thoughts lingered in my mind as I replayed mine and Iwaizumi's conversation.
I considered texting Iwa but I didn't know what to say and I had nothing else to say to Oikawa because I had already said everything imaginable
"No phones," Coach Ukai said as he grabbed my phone and dragged me out of my worrying. He basically threw my phone into the phone basket that had everyone else's phones
"That was violent!" I said shocked
"No phones" he repeated as he crossed his arms
"But I'm not playing!" I said frustrated
"You have to at least do something as a manager! Watch and take notes," he said pointing at the team and I groaned "There has to be some reason that we still keep you as a manager," he said and I mimicked him by moving my hands to make them look like they were talking
"That is getting real old! You say this all the time," I said annoyed
"You're lucky that Takeda likes you because you would have been gone a long time ago!" He said and I looked at him offended
"You're the one who forced me to be manager!" I said and he looked at me shocked
"I- you- I- I FORCED YOU?" He said and I just sighed and watched the team "So now you can do your job" he mumbled
"I can't concentrate with your insults," I said grabbing a notebook and pen
"Ok fine, I'll be quiet," he said but his quietness didn't last long as he looked at me concerned "Don't let a boy make you worry like that, especially if that boy is Oikawa," he said and I felt a little embarrassed that he saw our texts
ok he just did a full 360
THATS SO EMBARRASSING
I'm gonna die
I should just quit
WHY DID HE BRING THAT UP OUT OF NOWHERE?
I nodded my head slowly but couldn't find it in myself to look at him. After the few excruciating minutes that it took for my embarrassment to be washed away, I looked at him awkwardly
Since he had embarrassed me out of nowhere I decided to do the same thing to him, "Coach Ukai... have you ever been in love?" I asked him and his face went white
"It's way too early for that, ask me after a beer or two," he said and I looked at him annoyed
"Very helpful," I said sarcastically as I nodded my head and looked away. I put the notebook at the side of me and crossed my arms
"Why? Do you think you're in love?" He asked and I looked at him shocked
"No! I just... want to know what it feels like and... if it's real," I said nervously
"It's real, trust me," he said sighing and I looked at him confused "And once you're in love you'll know what it feels like," he said and I looked at him even more confused and a little disheartened
"Everyone says that but it doesn't really give much away, how am I meant to know?" I asked him and he sighed as he tried to find a way to describe it
"Yknow in Goldilocks when she's trying to find the perfect porridge?" He asked and I nodded my head intrigued "It's kind of like that but once you find your perfect porridge you have to be prepared for it to sometimes be cold or too salty or burnt, it can't be perfect all the time," he said and I looked at him trying to understand
"Great metaphor but it doesn't tell me how I'm meant to know when I'm in love," I said and he rolled his eyes
"You just have to find your perfect porridge," he said and I was left with more questions
"How am I meant to know when that's the perfect porridge for me? What if I'm wrong?" I asked scared and he smiled
"You'll feel it everywhere inside you," he said poking me all over "It's like a big ball of warmness in the pit of your stomach," he said and I hummed, kind of understanding it
"I see," I said as I looked away thinking about my feelings
"Do you feel that way with anyone?" He asked leaning forward
After his question, without even realising it my eyes switched to Tsukishima quickly before returning to Ukai. It was like something automatic, it was strange. I prayed Coach Ukai didn't notice
"I don't know," I said looking down
"Maybe that's something you should figure out," he said and I nodded my head
"Yeah... thanks Coach Ukai, who knew you could be so inspirational," I said smiling at him and he glared at me
"Haha, now write notes," he said pointing to my notepad and I groaned and rolled my eyes as I picked up the notepad
"Hey, you've got an easy job here!" He rambled on about how easy I had it as I looked at Tsukishima
Perfect porridge
Hm
.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .
Sorry I haven't uploaded a chapter in like 2 months, but I'm back and I'm feeling so much better! And I can't lie, I love love love this chapter. I was giggling and kicking my feet while writing it, I hope you guys liked it too 🤭
Thank you guys for all your kind messages, I really appreciate them so much <333
I wanted to release this on my books second birthday but I'm two days late 😞😞 better late than never tho!
If you like porridge press the star ⭐️ down below 🥣