I never considered the possibility of saying it outloud to him. To tell him the words i wouldnt even dare wisper to him.
The way his eyes are foced on me watching me ever so carefully makes me want to tell him everything thats going on in my mind right now.
I stay quiet. Not saying a word.
He looks at me like he desires the words to be said again. For me to tell the truth i let linger around dancing through my words.
I couldnt love him. Its not that i dont love him. I just shouldnt. I shouldnt be with someone like him to risk everything ive had.
I am close to getting what i want. Its one knife twist away. One cut and i will get what i want. What i have been training for since i was 15.
I have to. I have to finish my goal. I have to do it. For me. For him. For the sake of not loving him.
He shakes his head and his face changes from suprise to agony. We both know how this was going to end.
Him dying in my arms. By my hands. I wouldve done it. I wouldve been the one who made his heart stop beating and his lungs stop breathing.
I hated that thought but i used to be oke with it. I saw it as a job. Something i had to do no matter how much i didnt want to. I acted like he was someone i never knew.
But now. He is right infront of me. Spending months with me in a foreign country and helping me adjust to it all and speak dutch to people who talk to us.
I was used to everything we had going for us. The waking up to him seeing him still asleep and the small routine we created.
But now i had to end it. To get the company. The one thing i need for power. for freedom.
I knew the end was near. I know what i have to do. "Aspen say something" ash bags me. He stares into my eyes like never before.
My eyes cant help but water. The tears flown down wetting my tshirt. The whole world becomes a blur and so does the face of the men infront of me.
I try to remeber the details of his face but i much rather wanted to whipe away the fog and see him. To feel him.
"Leave please" i say my voice breaking. "No" ash says stirn. "Leave" I say making my voice louder then i intended it to be. He looks at me and shakes his head.
"Do you love me?" He asks me again. I knew it was the final time he would ask me. The last time before he would give up on me. To give up on this whole fucked up adventure.
"I-" i dont know what to say. I know its true. All the words i said to him were the truth. But i cant say them outloud. Not right now. Because i need to kill him.
"I dont" i say not wanting to say the whole sentence 'i dont love you' would be a lie. I do. But i cant say it. I cant. I shouldnt.
He looks at me like he is so disappointed. He made his final decision right there.
He gets his coat and leaves everything else behind. Scattered all across the room. Everything he owned was gone.
He slammes the door behind him giving me one last look back.
And here i am. Pathetic and alone in a small apartment which feels to big now. I let my body fall down on the ground and break down further.
I let out all the anger and sadness out. Cursing the universe for making me do this. For making me decide if i want to kill the one i love or if i want to keep him. Its not fair. Its not fair for me to choose.
Nothing ever was fair. Not the moment that he was in my life and then dragged away by my sister.
I thought maybe he wouldnt blame me. But he did. He blamed me for being a stupid kid and i knew it was the truth.
The reality of this all is crashing me in and the decision i have to take is making me nauseous thinking about it.
Days pass me by and before i knew it its time to leave again. I told my boss i had failed to kill him and turned off my phone.
I pack everything i have and dont bother to have it nice and neat. These past few days i did nothing but stay inside and eat the worst diet you could imagine.
But here i am, leaving. I take a taxi to the airport and wait for hours to take the plane back "home".
I watch every person who passes me by hoping i see his face. The look he gave him at last was burned into my mind.
I still see it in my nightmares but with a knife in his stomach and blood spewing out of his mouth.
But he didnt come. Nobody did.
The plane was long and boring. I couldnt fall asleep and the kid next to me couldnt too. He cried the whole time screaming at his mother who slept through it all.
I didnt even have energy to pay attention to it or to even be bothered by it. I felt like i was a walking corpse. Nobody was inside me, not a soul to see.
The plane landed and i returned back home. My apartment was left alone this whole time.
Dust got collected on the shelfs and a weird smell of forgotten painted over it. The air was stiff and the window curtains were only open a small bit.
The night made the apartment feel even colder. I left my luggage behind my front door and walked straight to my bed and fell asleep.
I woke up the next day with a headache that felt like it could kill me. I take some medicine i had and drank it down with cold water.
I hated this apartment a lot. When i first came here i felt so happy. I felt complete. A big apartment to show off the power i hold. But now it means nothing.
It is empty and cold and nobody to come home to. Nobody like ash. I miss the time in amsterdam already but i know it cant travel back in time.
I look through my phone and watch the pictures we took. It was never of us together.
There were pictures of streets and allyways i thought were pretty and the bussy streets that didnt bother me at that moment.
One single pictures is one i hold close to me. Close to my heart and burning in my mind sticking around like a tattoo.
A picture of mine and ash hands intertwined together. Holding eachother while walking trough the crowds.
I accidently took the picture when i wanted to take a picture of the street to remeber this time i helt his hand.
But here it was. The moment felt so real. I could almost feel his hands into mine again. The feeling i had came rushing back and disapearing the moment i realise what i did.
What i have to do. I know i have to do it. I still remeber the way his voice begged me to kill him.
I dont know the company would mean something to me now. Yes i would be rich and have everything i wished for since the age of 15.
To proof them all wrong. To know i got myself to this place by myself and wasnt the weakest one there.
But do i still want it? Am i still chasing after a dream that shouldve died long ago. Maybe i am.
Is it really worth it to have a reputation thats build on dead body's of people that you got hired to kill.
Is it really? I dont know the awsner to that. But one thing i know is that i dont want ash to die. I truly dont.
No matter how much i twist my mind around it and invision me as the ceo. I dont want it without him.
I dont know if ash will forgive me for this all. But i have to hope. I have to. For his sake and for mine.
I have to go to him. I have to see him even if its for the last time. Even if he tells me to go away and hurt me. I have to see him.
I need to have his arms wrapped around me and to smell him and be back into his embrace.
I want to look him into his eyes and see the whole world shine in them.
I want to tell him that i am sorry no matter what the after math is. I want to say it to him. I owe it to him.
I owe it to him when he was younger and to the version he is right now. To the version of him without and the version of him with me.
After all my sister is the reason he is this way. The reason why he is so fucked in the head and the reason why he cant go back to a normal life. The reason why his nightmares will forever follow him and the reason why he cant look at my face without seeing her.
I take a bath and sink right into it letting the water rush over my face imurging myelf in the water. I hold my breath until it feels like i am going to explode and come back to the surface breathing unsteady.
I used to do that when i was younger. Too get rid of the feeling i had because physical pain made my head feel quiet.
It started of small but later i started getting more habits along the way. I was self destructive to the point nobody could save me.
I still remember what i did when i heared the news. The news that my sister was killed.