"You're an asshole."
"Wait, what?"
It had been a week. Karina thought time away from Winter would lessen her feelings, but they only seemed to amplify them. She had never been like this before with another woman. Winter had reduced her to some lovesick idiot. She had gotten used to having Winter in her life. And now that she knew what it was like to finally kiss her and feel her body against hers, she knew she was in over her head. She was selfish; she wanted more. Fuck the consequences.
That said, she was pissed. Her ego was bruised. There were only so many times she could take being rejected by one person. She felt like she was being toyed with, regardless of how Winter actually felt. This wasn't something Karina ever dealt with and she was dealing with it poorly.
So she phoned Yeji for advice on what to do. Loyal, trustworthy Yeji. Who just called her an asshole. Maybe she told her side of story wrong. So she checked.
"No, you're an asshole, Karina," Yeji repeated.
Karina almost hung up. "Did I stutter? We kissed – we almost fucked – then she kicked me out."
"She's a doctor. She could lose her job. And all you've done is put her in this totally fucked up situation because you couldn't keep your pants on for three more freaking months. Of course she threw your horny ass out."
Well, when you put it that way. Still. Karina didn't like her tone.
"Yeji, talking to you is torture, why do I subject myself to this?"
"Because I'm smarter than you and you know I'm right."
Fair enough.
"Okay, Jolly Giant, what do I do?"
"Well, you wouldn't be putting yourself through this if you didn't like her on a deeper level, right?
But hell, you don't ever talk about her like she has another level. Literally all I know about her is that she's hot and that she wants to keep her job and career, which you seem hell bent on ruining for her." Yeji scoffed, then affected Karina's voice, "Ugh, girls who have morals are the worst."
Karina glared, wishing Yeji wasn't on the other side of the phone so she could smack her in person.
"That's not true."
"Oh yeah, you're right, I know she looks good in tank tops."
Karina thought back at all her conversations with Yeji about Winter. She thought about any time she'd really talked about the woman at all...
Well fuck. She was right.
"Fuck."
She couldn't even think of a reason why Winter would be interested in her. She hasn't been anything but...well, gross. Overt. She'd ignored every request Winter had to be just 'friends'. She pushed her.
Karina felt sick.
Yeji must've read Karina's silence; her tone softened. "So, Karina, if you're actually interested in her, you have to figure out a way to make this work."
Karina groaned, throwing herself onto her bed. "Of course I'm interested in her. She's smart, and nice to people, and kind of a huge dork, but she challenges me and puts up with my shit."
"Ah, so she does have a personality," Yeji said. "Look, I know you mean well and I'm sure she knows you mean well, but you suck at showing it. But I wouldn't be your friend if you weren't awesome and she probably wouldn't have kept you around if all you did was hit on her."
"So what do I do?"
"I'd back off, but knowing you, you won't."
Karina sighed. "No, probably not. I don't know."
"Well, figure it out. I like you like this though, whiney and lovesick. It affirms that I'm cooler than you."
—
Karina lay back on her couch and looked out her window. Even though it was night and they weren't turned on, she could see the dangling Christmas lights taunt her. If she were into blaming inanimate objects for her problems, those damn lights would be taking the fault.
A few months ago she was Karina fucking Yu. She did what she wanted, didn't really care too much about other people's feelings or opinions. Certainly didn't ever pine for anyone.
Winter changed that for her, with her kindness and her intelligence and adorableness. Karina had never met anyone who was so genuine, so wholly unimpressed with all of Karina's pretension, yet so wholly interested in who she was under all her airs.
And now she was here. A broken leg. A bruised ego. A little sexually frustrated. A little heartbroken.
Pathetic, really.
She wondered what Winter thought. Not for a lack of trying on Karina's part, but she hadn't heard from her in a week. Every text went ignored, every call went to voicemail.
Karina knew this much: she needed to apologize to her, to make it up to Winter for 1. Treating her like she was just someone that needed to be devoured and consumed, and 2. Her role in what culminated at the clinic last week.
But Karina wasn't good with words or expressing herself. (Especially considering how embarrassed she was. And she wasn't even sure Winter would talk to her after all the shit she'd put her through...)
Karina had never really done the big romantic, grandiose gesture for anyone, but fuck, she wanted to try for Winter. They were great together in ways she'd never thought she'd ever be with anyone. She just needed to talk to her. Talk. She needed to convince Winter that she meant well, that she was sorry, and that she was ready to do what she had to, to make this work.
The lights from a car driving past her house reflected off the Christmas lights, catching her eye.
That was it. That was her stupid, romantic gesture. A gift.
She took off her cast boot and put on her shoes (she had to dig up her other shoe from the closet) and threw on a coat. She grabbed what she needed from her shed, and dragged it to the front of her house. It dark out, and her leg felt unsteady, but she was at least sober this time.
She climbed up her ladder and started pulling down the Christmas lights.
It was never too late to take these down.
—
So, her leg hurt. It hurt badly. It was back in its cast, but it was probably not her best idea to do take her Christmas lights down without someone there to make she she'd be safe. But she did it, with just some difficulty.
And now she walked to Winter's apartment (it wasn't too far, it was just cold), forcing her leg to work, to not buckle on her. She tightened her grip on her backpack and made her way down the path to the building doors. When she reached the entrance, she typed out a text to Winter.
'I'm outside your building. Open up.'
She waited a few minutes, lighting up a cigarette to pass the time (she didn't really smoke much, but she felt the need to tonight). Then her phone rang.
"Hey, Winter. Wanna let me up?"
Winter's voice sounded annoyed. "Karina, are you crazy, it's 10 pm?! How did you get here?"
"I walked."
"Is your leg okay?"
She took a drag from her cigarette. "It will be when you let me up so I can sit down."
"Karina, I've been avoiding you for a reason."
This was her in. "But I have something for you."
She could hear the gears in Winter's head turn. Winter loved gifts.
"Ugh, hang on, Karina."
The door buzzed; Karina grinned to herself. She knew her so well.
She put out her cigarette and ambled in. She went to the elevator, took a deep breath, and pressed the button for Winter's floor.
Getting off, she counted her steps to Winter's door – thirty-nine – to distract her from the potentially mortifying conversation that was about to occur. She really sucked at sharing her feelings. But things had to be said, and she had to do it.
She turned the corner down the hall, and there Winter stood. She was leaned against her doorframe, wearing her pajamas, her arms crossed. She looked annoyed.
"What do you want?" Yeah, she was annoyed.
"Well, that's kind of a mean way to greet somebody, especially considering you've ignored me for the last week," Karina joked. Winter wasn't humored.
"Karina, I need space."
"Which I've given you. But now I have talk to you. And like I said, I have a gift." Karina pushed past – catching Winter's exasperated head shake – and made her way inside.
"You smell like an ashtray."
"Smoking helps me relax when I'm stressed."
"That's a pervasive myth, Karina, it's actually counter-productive to smoke to alleviate stress. Now sit down, you're limping. Let me check your leg."
"You're always such a doctor," Karina said, sitting next to the doctor on her couch.
"Well, yeah. That's the plan," Winter said, a little bite behind the words. "Remove your cast boot and roll up your pant leg, I want to examine your leg."
"Seriously?" She did as the doctor asked anyway. "Well, yeah. Leg up," she answered, patting her lap. "Are you sure you want to do this?"
Winter stiffened. "Karina, it's your leg. I think I'll be able to control myself. Which is hilarious considering that this is my home, with no way we'd be interrupted. The one time we do anything it happens at my work, the absolute last place it should happen."
Karina frowned. "Winter..."
"Whatever. Just let me see your leg," Winter said impatiently. "If it's the last thing I do as a doctor, I'm going to make sure I'm a good healthcare provider to you."
Karina lifted her leg up and Winter examined her, much in the same way she would examine her at the clinic. Her leg did hurt quite a bit.
"So, how's it been?" Karina asked dryly, as Winter continued her attention.
"Karina, you really didn't just walk here from god knows where at ten at night to ask how I've been, have you?" One (firm) press along her scar line made Karina flinch. Winter noticed and immediately started gently massaging around the pain, making her feel better.
(Karina realized that this was the first time Winter had been in her presence where she hadn't made a flirtatious, forward comment towards the woman. She was such an asshole. Winter could do better. She deserved better, someone good like Yeji. Ugh, no. Absolutely not. The thought of it made her gag a little.)
Karina scratched the back of her head. She sighed. "Okay. Look. I know I'm not so good with the feelings thing, but...I'm sorry for what happened. Last time we saw each other." She cringed. Words were hard.
Winter's hands stilled. "I'm sorry, too."
Karina pulled away and shifted to the other end of the couch, strapping her cast back on. "No, don't. You don't have anything to apologize for."
"Karina, no—"
"No, Winter, I...I don't want you to think that I don't care about your career or your life," Karina said. "So, like I said: I brought you a gift. Consider it a peace offering. A friendship offering."
Karina grabbed her backpack off the floor and pulled out her poorly bundled Christmas lights.
Winter laughed. "Rina," she said, her eyes lighting up, grabbing the bundle. "What am I going to do with these?"
"I don't know. But I want you to have them – they're kind of the reason I met you. It's symbolic; I'm going to back off...this is kind of stupid, isn't it?"
"This isn't stupid at all, Karina," Winter said, tearing up. "It's sweet. You're sweet."
Karina shrugged.
She put the lights on her coffee table. "Close your eyes."
"What?"
"Close them. Do it. I'm your doctor; listen to me."
"Anyone ever tell you that you're really demanding?" Karina closed her eyes anyway.
She heard Winter sigh. The space next to her on the couch shifted. Then she felt pressure against her lips, a nose against her own, a sigh mix with her sigh. The kiss was soft and gentle and it made Karina feel as light as she felt heavy. She wanted this forever.
Winter gently brushed her cheek with the back of her hand then pulled away. Karina opened her eyes – Winter had already put distance between the two, perched on the other side of the couch.
"That...is the last time I will kiss you until you stop being my patient, okay? But I know talking about this stuff is hard for you and you're being so sweet right now. I couldn't not kiss you after that."
Karina closed her eyes for a beat to find the nerve to continue. Winter's eyes were warm and giving when she opened them. She found the strength in Winter.
"Okay, I gotta say this before I realize I'm being an idiot and clam up. Bear with me, because...this is really uncomfortable for me," Karina said. "But since I can't show you how much I care about you, I have to tell you."
Winter's eyebrows furrowed, confused.
Karina rattled off the list she made in her head: "You're eager and well-meaning. People like you. You're a dork and you know way too much about really ridiculous things, like, who the fuck cares about Doctor Who? You do, apparently. You eat cookies like they'll expire as soon as the package opens. You're ridiculous and headstrong. You've committed your life to helping people and doing the right thing." Karina blushed.
"Karina – as much as I enjoy you complimenting me and pointing out the obvious, but amazing, qualities I have, what are you doing?"
Karina grimaced. "I wanted to tell you what I like about you so you don't think that I'm just here to have sex with you or whatever. I'm interested in you. And I'm sorry I don't show that very well."
Winter's eyes softened. "What makes you think you don't show it well?"
"All I've done is flirt with you when you've asked me not to. I haven't respected your job or your wishes and you deserve better. That's why you've been ignoring me, isn't it?"
Winter shook her head, exasperated. "Karina, I've been ignoring you because I feel like an idiot. I'm embarrassed."
It was Karina's turn to be confused. "Uh, over what?"
"Karina, I kissed you!" Winter said, standing and pacing. "And I...I would've had sex with you at my work if I wasn't paged. I was stupid and reckless and it shouldn't have happened." She stopped, her hands on her hips. "Don't blame yourself or whatever for what happened. If anything, I kissed you first. I...set the pace."
Then Winter scrunched up her face, upset. She narrowed her eyes. "And I'm not some naïve girl who's virtue you're supposed to protect, okay? I'm as much part of this as you are. I don't 'deserve' better or worse. Don't put me on a pedestal."
"...Okay." Karina stared at her hands.
"And I'm a little offended that you think I'd be here with you if you were just a flirtatious jerk. Which you totally are, but that's just part of who you are. But you're so much more than that and I clearly haven't been a good enough friend if that's what you think of yourself."
Karina bit her lip to stop herself from frowning. "Then why? What's in it for you? I don't have a real job, I've been a student for my entire adult life, I don't even own a car. I know I'm pretty, but I'm not that pretty."
Winter's eyes softened. She sat next to Karina and gently placed her hands over hers, drawing her attention.
"You know, when you first came into the hospital, you were so out of it, so Jaehyun had to tell us what happened. He lied and said that you fell off your roof because you went outside to look at the stars; you wanted to be closer to them. I thought that was incredibly pretentious."
Karina scoffed. "Ugh, Jaehyun is a terrible liar."
"When you admitted that you were trying to take your Christmas lights down, I figured you were a reckless drunk. Then when you told me you were taking them down because you were embarrassed that you put them up in the first place, because you put them up for Jaehyun...well, I realized that there was a lot more to you than you let on. And I totally misjudged you."
"I think I preferred you thinking I was pretentious and reckless..."
Winter grinned. "I know you're pretentious and reckless," she teased. "But I also know that you're smart and passionate. You're exceeding the minimum standard of education because you like your major; you're not doing it for a job. You've made it your life's work to know everything about Camus. And you quote Harry Potter and are embarrassed by it, which I think is adorable."
"If you tell anyone, I'll deny it."
"Please, Karina. You don't scare me," Winter said, rolling her eyes. "See – you pretend that you're all cool and unaffected, but you care about people. You're sweet. You put up Christmas lights for your brother. When I told you Yizhuo was non-binary, you didn't bat an eye. And you treat me well. You make me laugh. You're really complimentary, to the point where I think you need to get your eyes checked. And you sat and watch several hours of Buffy with me 'cause I asked you to."
She laughed. "Well, to be fair, Sarah Michelle Gellar is hot..."
"Shush, Karina." Winter said, placing her finger on Karina's lips. "Look, talking to you comes easily to me. I don't usually talk about my mom or tell people why I became a doctor, but I told you because there's something about you..." She let her finger drift off, falling back into Karina's hands. "So...you should know how I feel about you, Karina. There's lots in it for me when it come to you. And yeah, it doesn't hurt that you're incredibly beautiful."
The heat rose to Karina's face; she smiled, a little self-conscious but touched.
"I'm sorry I ignored you this week. What happened was overwhelming and I don't know what to do about it. It's only made me more paranoid at work. I'm stressed out – Dr. Han wants to meet with me next week and I have no idea why. It's probably nothing, but I'm worried."
"I'm sorry, Winter." Karina's guilt took hold of her.
Winter shrugged. "Me too. But I don't want you to think I regret you."
Karina pulled her hands away and ran her fingers through her hair. They sat quietly, both lost in their own thoughts.
"So what now?" Winter asked.
She sighed. Now the hard part. She had one idea, one thing that could possibly make this better for them both – well, make this situation less shitty for Winter. She really didn't want it to come to this, but she couldn't think of any other way.
"Let's take a break. I'll see you at my last two appointments, but I meant what I said. I want to back off. I want to revisit this in two months, if you're still interested, but I'll...back off."
"Are you sure?" Winter asked, uncertainly.
"Yeah. Distance will be good for us, I think?"
Winter looked crestfallen. "But what if you're not interested in two months?"
"Cupcake, really?" Karina was a little annoyed. "I don't do this with anyone. I don't try, ever. I know I'll be interested in two months because I know I'll be interested in a year. I know I'll be interested for...for a long time," she said, surprising herself with her candor. She felt her face flush, embarrassment coloring her features.
Winter's expression changed too. She looked at her the way she wanted to be looked at. Like she was loved.
"Karina..." Winter stopped herself, then tried again. "You know. Right? You know?" She knew. She hoped she knew.
Karina leaned forward and kissed her cheek. "And on that note – I'm going to go." Karina stood up, grabbing her backpack.
"How are you getting back?"
"I'll walk." Winter was about to protest when Karina stopped her. "I'll be fine. Whatever you did to my leg helped. It feels much better. I feel better."
Winter walked her out, holding her hand the entire way. She didn't seem to care that she was wearing her pajamas. She followed her down the hall, onto the elevator, to the building entrance. She kissed her goodbye – again, on her cheek, close to the corner of her lips.
Halfway down the block, Karina looked back – Winter stood at the doors, watching Karina walk away.
The feel of Winter's kiss lingered on Karina's cheek on the walk home. She really did feel better.
She didn't feel great, but she felt better.
Two months. She could do two more months.
—
The next few weeks passed with a blur. Karina threw herself into school – she had never been more productive with her work without distractions (including her 'study buddies'). Before she knew it, she found herself back at the clinic, waiting for Winter.
When the doctor came into the examination room, she gave Karina a distracted 'Hello' in greeting. She started running through her usual line of questioning without even a glance at Karina.
"Cupcake..." Karina tried.
Winter didn't look up, just continued to flip through her file, not really lingering on any page, so Karina knew she wasn't reading it.
"Winter."
Winter whipped her head up, almost looking startled.
"Yeah?"
"Hey." Karina half-smiled at Winter, who sighed and smiled back.
Winter's shoulders dropped a little, standing less stiffly. "Hey, Rina."
"You okay?"
"Yeah, sorry. I've been busy with work...a lot has been going on," Winter's shoulders sagged. She blew out some air. It was cute and Karina beamed at her. "It's been a tough few weeks."
Karina rubbed her shoulder. "Everything okay? Did your meeting with Dr. Han go well?"
"Yeah, don't worry. It went really well. Everything's fine, actually," Winter said, a tight smile. She placed her hand on Karina's, petting the back of her hand with her thumb. "How have you been?"
"Good. It's surprising how much work you can get done on your thesis when I have nothing to do. Plus I've pissed off a ton of ex...study buddies. So I'm basically holed up in my place."
Winter laughed.
"So, it's our second last appointment..."
"It is."
Karina took Winter's hand off her own and laced their fingers. "I've...missed you."
Winter nodded. "I've missed you too, Rina. I understand the whole 'backing off' thing that you've been doing but I've missed talking to you."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Actually, I wanted to share some news..."
"Yeah?" Karina feels herself leaning forward.
"But I'm having a hard time focusing on it right now..." Winter reached up to tuck Karina's hair behind her ear and cupped her cheek. By reflex, Karina leaned into Winter's touch. "I've really missed you, Rina."
The door swung open. The two recoiled from one another, in shock. Winter's boss Dr. Han stood at the door with an unreadable expression on her face.
It definitely looked worse than it was, with Winter jumping away from Karina. They were standing quite close, but not in an incriminating way. Really, nothing was happening.
The doctor looked between the two women, evaluating them. She pursed her lips, then spoke.
"Miss Yu. I need to speak to Dr. Kim. You can wait for your appointment with Yizhuo in the waiting room. Follow me, Dr. Kim?"
Winter nodded, trying to look like she wasn't on the verge of panicking. Karina followed the two out of the room, giving Winter a worried look before turning for the waiting room.