next day:
i can feel a knot to my stomach as i look outside the bus window. seungkwan's words linger in my memory.
everything he says, everything he does. why does everything feel so sagnificant? am i the only one feeling like this?! I must be going nuts over nothing. why am I over analysing everything - I hate kwan, so why do I even care?
what am i supposed to do?
am i overreacting over small things he does as a habit?! i need to stop thinking about him for god's sake.
but even when i say that i am thinking about him more and more.
i cant help it.
for example right now. i wanna rush to school just so i can steal a glimpse of him. i want to see if he is okay. is he in pain? how is he? he got traumatised so of course I should care, right? thats the only reason I care! of course it is! oh my god I can easily snap out of it. who cares anyways?
i run down the bus and enter the bulding.
whats wrong with me? whats wrong with me? i am freaking out. no, I am not. I am. I am not.
sarang, concentrate on the goal and shut up.
i open my locker, in my attempt to remove my mind from him. right, i can do it! i'll just stop thinking about him, easy peasy.
i can do it!
turning around, my eyes lock from the distance with that boy i just convinced myself not to think about ever again and I almost bounce. what is that? a sudden attack? I was not ready for that.
he is standing miles away yet his eyes never decieve mine. i managed to calm my heart only for it to be way too flustered later on. is he doing it on purpose? of course he does.
it feels like time stops every time he is in the room.
the boy seems hesitent but waves at me from afar. thats when i seriously dont know what to do.
this moment had 20 different possible endings inside my head ready to fullfil one of them i take a step closer only to be caught pretty soon.
some of his friends, apprached him, pulling him away from the crowd.
i looked like a fool!
his eyes slowly got removed from me as he was forced into a classroom. perfect, i didn't even got to say anything, or at least wave. I look like a fool to his eyes now.
he must have thought i am an idiot. of course i am cause again i forgot the goal. i am overthinking about this again.
i walk inside the class with a massive pout thinking how much of a disappointment i am to others and myself.
sitting on my table i literally lay over there like a dead corpse. thats when nayeon occupies the seat right in front of me with a smile.
"why are you depressed?!"
"i am not depressed..." i whisper.
"even when depressed you are beautiful though... lately you've been taking good care of yourself before coming to school!" she winks like she knows something.
"are you implying something?" I crosses my arms, knowing what she wants to say but beats around the bush.
"nah, just curious... do you have something to share with a friend?! maybe a possible love intrest?!" she teases me. "when i find a friend i will..." i tease her back and open a random book, pretending to be reading. yeah, math.... so interesting!
"so there is a love intrest? its chan, right? what happened? do you like him that much?!did he ask you out? did you two kiss?" she clings closer. "its not him, you can stop!"
"but..."
someone interrups this conversation with a tap of a table. we both turn our heads only for my eyes to lock with seungkwan's.
he seemed to be all happy. did he hear the conversation? why is he looking at me like that.
"i am sorry to interrupt... but you are sitting on my chair!" he adresses to nayeon. "oh right! i am sorry!" she gets up locks eyes with me and disappears after making me a sign that we are gonna talk later about this.
dream on nayeon, I have to say.
as soon as she disappears kwan locks eyes with me and sits on his chair. what? thats it? isnt he gonna say anything. men. they are all backstabbing little idiots. especially him and his ugly back.
the least expected thing is for him to turn around with a smile. what a douche.
I was so busy insulting him, that I didnt pay attention he already was doing all of these things.
"hey..."
oh, he is smiling.
he is greeting me...
what do I say what do I say?
so many possible choices.
"training wheels..." i say a random word only to perplex him even more. "what?" he scoffs write playfully. perfect. I made a fool of myself. again. a never ending saga I would say.
"I, I mean h-hi..." i look down. why do i feel my cheeks burning. "how are your knees, idiot?!" he asks with a smile. yeah, now he thinks I am an idiot! I knew it!
"all h-healed and nice... how bout your leg?" i lean against my table and focus on his answer.
"same here..." we lock eyes from a close distance now.
"good..." i smile.
"i... i know..." he smiles back.
there is a moment of silence there only to come to an end when the teacher walks in. kwan turns to his front and the lecture starts after a while.
_____
Auditorium:
as soon as school is over i am the first one to go to the auditorium. as always everyone is late except me.
i am always punctual and responsible!
wonwoo is the second to walk in some minutes after me and place his things on the table for the judges.
"how are you?!" he gently asks and i sit with a sigh. "i dont know, good i guess?!" i complain.
"you are anxious because of the play!" he guesses.
"i couldn't care less-" i am about to say without thinking only because lately all i am thinking about is boo seungkwan.
when i realize what i am doing immediately i stiffen. "i... mean... yes! i am anxious! so anxious, I can barely breathe, haha..." i lie only to be interrupted.
"why?" seungkwan asks, walking down the aisle and closer to our table. "i...i..." i lost my words.
"she is anxious because of the play..." wonwoo answers instead of me and my eyes lock with kwan's.
"you dont have to be. i'll do my best, leader... we.. will!" he refers to all of the students and judges. somehow i feel assured. thats when the classroom gets filled with students and loud chatters fill the air.
oh i hate the sound of people being happy.
kwan and wonwoo sit on the empty seats to my two corners and the students occupy the stage as always.
after my ordinary introduction dahyun raises her hand.
"oh not again..." i whisper.
only kwan hears and chuckles. "what is it dahyun?!" he asks instead of me maybe because he knows I would do anything to ignore her and move on.
"i started writing a script based on the play... m-maybe you should check it out!" this time her stuttering was not that obvious. she is getting better... at talking, apparently. progress... I like progress.
taking out a script from her bag she leaves it on top of the table.
"lets take a 5 so i can have a look!" i announce and everyone did as i said. i grabbed the script and brought it closer to my face.
kwan leaned closer so he can also have a look. i could now feel his breath falling on me just because of how close he was.
oh no... my cheeks are turning red.
my heart is decieving me.
i dont remember how breathing works.
i turned around to see if he is indeed this close, but that only made it worse. he looks so beautiful god damn it. he also slightly turns his head and our eyes lock like no other time.
whats this sound? his heart beating... or mine? i think only my heart could beat so loud for him.
i noticed him stealing a peek at my lips and then back to my eyes.
MAYDAY MAYDAY.
someone call the police.
what is he doing?
i might go crazy any time soon.
"sarang, can you explain something to me..." i hear wonwoo's voice. both me and kwan turn to our front and try to calm down ourselves.
why is this room so heated suddenly. i turn around to see what wonwoo wants from me, for god's sake.
anyways, some hour passed until finally we were about to call it a day. i dismissed everyone and started fixing my things on the table. the two other judges also started gathering their stuff.
"um, sarang..." i hear my name.
it wasnt coming from the judges. a boy was right in front of our table.
lee chan.
"you didnt leave?!" i ask placing a pile of books in my arms. "no, i wanted to ask you something?!"
"go ahead..." i smile placing the bag on my shoulder. "do you wanna go out with me today? i found out this new place, you are gonna love it!" he asks right in front of the other two boys.
as soon as he said that kwan tried not to look at me again, acting like he didnt care.
maybe he doesnt care.
does he care?
"I can't today chan, i am sorry, i'll be busy reading the script!" i found an excuse. i was not in the mood to go out with chan to be honest.
with the corner of my eye i realized kwan merged to look at me right away. "then some other time?!" he asks.
"we'll see..." i say with a smile. I dont want to decline but i also dont want to accept. chan waves at us and makes his way out.
i turn around only to notice seungkwan staring at me with a smirk.
"goodbye... guys... i'll talk to you tomorrow!" he waves at both me and wonwoo but his eyes only focus on me.
what was that about?
"see you.." wonwoo also waves.
kwan waits for my answer but i am frozen staring deeply into his eyes. he smiles wider, taking steps backwrds and vanishing from the room.
he wants to destroy me.
______
Afternoon:
as soon as i reach my house, i sit down and place the script on top of my table. Taking out my pencil case i throw everything out of it and start working.
changing some lines, maybe a bit of a plot, highlighting some important parts or seen or even adding my own flavor to this entire thing.
i got so deep inside this script i didnt hear vernon knocking on my door.
"there's a person knocking out here!" he yells as a way to grab my attention. "leave me alone person!" i scoff, pausing my writing session.
vernon opens the door and i notice his outfit. "hey, why do you look cool!?" i scan him from head to toe.
"itsnt that a usual phenomenon?!"
"i wouldnt be surprised if it was, idiot..." i complain. "i am going out..." he announces.
"such a nice sentence coming from you" i turn back to the script losing any intrest at everything he says from now one.
"with seungkwan..." he adds.
"what?"
i find my intrest again. he is going out with kwan? i managed to forget him for like 30 minutes yet he made his way back to my mind.
"wanna come?!" he asks with that sly smirk of his like he is hinting something he shouldnt.
"i... i am busy with the script!" i fake a smile. oh i want to come so badly, but if i do... i am forgetting what the goal is again.
"oh... okay..." he turns around.
"vern!" i stop him with just a word. he comes right back with a smile.
"what?!"
"i-is it okay for someone to change a goal?!" i stutter, turning my head towards the script. "of course it is, as long as it makes them happy then why not?!" he laughs.
"why? did you change a goal or something?!" he asks. "nah, i am just asking..." shrugging my shoulders i pretend to not care.
"have fun!" i add.
"it wont be the same without you!" he answers and closes the door thats when i get lost in my thoughts again.
i shouldt go, right? right! i should just focus on my script.
right!
thats what i did until my attention got grabbed by my ringtone.
as soon as i saw kwan's name on my lockscreen i felt my heart going faster and faster.
i picked it up super fast.
"h-hey..." i stutter.
"i... wanted to hear your voice..." he says mostly to himself and secondly to me. "you are hearing it now..." i giggle.
"how is the script?!" he asks with that prominent smile on his face. even though i cant sew it i still can imagine it.
"good, i am reading it right now. i... i heard you are going out with vern today, huh?!" i change the subject.
"yeah, thats... why i called..." he adds. what does that mean.
"i know you are busy with the script today... but, i... it would be nice if you... could come too! i... i would love that..." he whispers the last part.
"really?!"
why am i feeling touched? is this all in my imagination. can i be more clueless?
"yes, if you... find time... we'll be at that old dinner vernon used to take us, remember?!" he giggles. of course i do. i have so many good memories of that place.
"how can i forget..." i giggle.
"its good to know you never did..." he confesses in relief. "think about it. if you cant... its okay... then... goodnight from me..." i would die to see his expression right now.
is he happy? is he sad?
how can i tell?
i am going crazy.