🌂 Your mother has found out about what you intended on doing. Supplications and being understood, along with relationships potentially coming to an end are the cause of your doings.
Warning: suicidal thoughts.
" Why didn't you tell me?! We could talk about this you know that? I'm your mother, aren't I? Do...don't you trust me? "
There was no lying that you've done many things that have ruined your life. But this, maybe you fucked up one big time.
It felt like being hit by a truck when upon hearing the crack of her voice. Her crying, shattered your heart to the fullest. Words have died inside your throat. You couldn't find any thing - any words to tell her. As if a knife had stabbed your neck, and having the ability to talk was hurled. Rubbing your hand on her back in a soothing manner was the only thing you could do as a form of comfort and it was pathetic. You knew it was, to that you couldn't bring yourself to comfort your own mother at this moment.
You didn't expect for this to happen though. Afterall, you were supposed to never come back at this house. You didn't hate it by any means it was just - you weren't really supposed to. Maybe if you didn't hesitate on jumping that height of the building then you wouldn't found yourself in this place. Your chest was so heavy it felt like your insides were eating you whole and it was still worsening each time a choked sob escaped from your mother's lips.
You didn't consider her feelings on what would happen if you died and she was left alone. You knew after your father have left the two of you, things have been hard for her. Having to raise a child whilst trying to keep her life intact.
But maybe if you did disappear in this world, she wouldn't have to undergo such problems in her life. But everything was so painful in your own life. Putting the weight to yourself by the death of your late bestfriend, you blame yourself for your family being broken. Maybe if you were a better child and played better at the instrument you've lost interest to and used your voice better then your father wouldn't have to pick his other family and the three of you would be together instead. You were the reason why the band was broken, maybe if you weren't being inconsiderate on that day and had been perceptive then it wouldn't have gone to his death.
Just why were you realizing all of this at once? It wasn't just your chest that was carrying a large boulder now, your head was aching so bad with all those thoughts.
Why did you have to do it?
Why didn't you let yourself fall?
Why did you hesitate?
You shouldn't have hesitated.
You should've fallen and died right there.
Why did you have to be this - so stupid?
" Mom, " When you managed to let a word escape your lips, it was soft, a vulnerable tone. Your voice was clearly one step from breaking but you tried to keep it, never in your life, you wanted someone to see your state of vulnerability. Even if it was someone you're really close with, you felt like showing your weakness wasn't a resort just for them to feel pity for you. You hated it when someone's takes a pity of you.
But feeling these overwhelming emotions triggering your body made you wanted to cry.
" Mom, I'm so so sorry. "
" There's nothing to be sorry about, [Name]! " She cried.
" You don't need to carry the burden of Akio's death, [Name]. You were never to blame. It was never your fault and you were never the reason of our - "
" If I didn't fight with him that day then he wouldn't have been dead. " Your voice cracked, interrupting her. You tried to keep it steady but each thought that went circling around your mind was making you slowly fail. You shook your head and wiped the tears that was threatening to fall from your eyes. " A...and he, what would be the other reason that he'll leave us on that day? " A vivid image of your father with two kids you've never met in your life and a woman on the park ached your heart.
You raised your head to look at her, choking a sob, feeling tears brimming from your eyes though you tried to wipe them away. " Mom, please tell me..."
" ...What would be the other reason besides me? " The vulnerable state you were in made you stare at your lap. It felt like everything in your didn't feel right, never in your life you had felt that everything was going good.
Your mother could only see was with how your shoulders shake and a few silent whimpers coming from you. It would have been embarrassing to be crying infront of your mother like this, but somehow it felt like a relief to be able cry this much. You haven't had been crying for such a long time, as if all those tears you were trying to hold back have built up and now, you were letting it all out. Silence overtook your surroundings for a moment, the only thing that you could hear was the way that you cried but soon, you were soon engulfed by another hug but this time, it was much softer than what your mother have done minutes ago.
She wrapped her arms around as if you were the most fragile thing in the world, and to her right now, you were. " It was never - never your fault [Name]. Stop blaming yourself. Never ever blame yourself again. I'd have to remind you that all day now so you could get rid of those thoughts away now do I? "
If you could stop blaming yourself, then you would. But it was hard. The only thoughts that you had in your mind, always when you thought about the past was how you were the reason that it all ended up that way.
So you shook you head and tried to muster up a smile, you didn't care if it would have looked ugly but feeling your lips shake, you felt like it was much less of a smile. You hoped it looked thankful enough in order to least reassure you her that you felt better. And truthfully, you did. You really were, for someone to tell you that you weren't to be blamed for someone's death and for the reason of the leaving of a father was comforting in its own way.
Still, there was still a part of you that made you feel responsible for all of it. But kicking those thoughts away in the mean time would do you some good, you decided. The only thing that made you think at this moment was how you wanted your mother to know that you weren't going to kill yourself and will be staying by her side, now that made you think that you didn't deserve someone as precious as her.
You'll try. You'll try not to do it again.
The woman pulled back from the hug and pressed a kiss on your forehead like how a mother would do to comfort her child. She asked you if you wanted for her to cook you dinner and even though you already had one back at your work and had coffee, you didn't turn down her offer wanting to see her smile yet again.
She was glad.
She could barely cook for the two of you with how she was always busy with her work and the schedules the two of you had didn't match up that well. It was either she'd buy food outside or you'd cook some instant food, but there were some occasions that you were the one who cooked, and as much as you were embarrassed by her gushing, she had told you how you were a fantastic cook.
Relief temporarily washed over your body as you listened to her stories whilst your mother worked in the kitchen, cooking a quick meal for the two of you a she didn't want to let sleeping take you away any longer with the time being past eleven.
During your meal, once again, the topic of your suicide attempt was brought up by your mother, carefully. She didn't want to trigger any negative emotions from you - but getting into it would probably make her understand what you have been going through and what have you'd been doing to yourself, and in order for a resolve to happen.
It took a couple of silence for you to finally admit that you've been those things to yourself. It was hard saying it but at least somehow you managed to do it. Silence for a moment was yet again a reply your mother have given you, it felt unnerving when she wasn't talking and with how she looked at you with a sad expression and the woman suggested for you to visit a doctor or any one that could give you therapy.
She could see the fear getting evident in your eyes as you told her, " I think I'm not ready yet - but I promise I'll visit one. " Clearly, she was a tad bit disappointed by your reply but decided to accept what you've told. She understood you needed time to heal by yourself rather than to get healed by other people. Still, she told you that, " When you're having tough time, never hesitate to tell me and open up to me, okay? No more hiding those suppressed emotions...I'm always here for you... always. "
You let out a tired sigh, entering the presence of your room finding that it was already opened, along with the lights. You didn't need to question why your room was a bit messy because the reason had already been said by your mother. " I tried finding anything besides the note on the table and was all worried that I - I'm sorry, I promise I'll clean it up first thing in the morning. "
Immediately after stepping inside, you left something on your right leg. It took you a couple of seconds to think of that you actually have a pet cat and now he was clearly giving his affection towards you, purring in delight as he stared at you with his golden and doe car eyes. You managed to let out a small tired smile as you picked him up and pressed a kiss on the temple of his furry head. "Chairo-chan..." The cat let out a small meow and pushed his head against you cheeks eliciting a small chuckle from your raspy throat.
" I wonder what would I be in heaven or hell if you weren't by my side, perhaps when I get reborn. " You set him down down the floor softly and turned to where the most messed up place your room has.
You stared at the table and took note of how really messy it was, papers scattered, pens and pencils alike were too along with your lamp that was on the floor. Swiftly you picked it up and began cleaning it up not wanting for your mother to tire herself a little by tomorrow, because now that you're in the place where she said that she was going to clean, you didn't need to wait and let the place be messy as it was.
After doing so, you pulled the handle of the underside of the surface of the table where you hid your phone, you didn't brought it in school today and didn't use it for the whole day just because you really did anticipated your ending today but it seemed like whoever shoved in your mind for you to have the will to live had other plans, tending for it to be one of the things that you'd left for the people you're close with, because the phone had everything, you had to be honest.
You didn't get to change your phone for the last five years having this way back in middle school. All the pictures and videos you had taken from that specific year were stored in a memory card to prevent from having your phone storage full but you barely even go through them only that when you could bring yourself on staring and watching some of the bitter memories. All of it wasn't so bad, frankly there were some pictures taken that were quite the opposite but having the realization that it wouldn't be the same as it was before have provided yourself of thinking bitterly.
The phone itself had issues, a few minor ones: a bit of lagging and a broken screen protector (curse Ugetsu for thinking it was a good idea to throw your phone on the couch just to tease you when it didn't even reach the plush surface) at that, but you weren't thinking of buying new one even though your piggy bank had enough money to buy you a decent phone. Because you believed that as long as it was still working, it isn't broken and still could be of use.
You took out your phone that was just sitting on top of a book and closed the drawer as soon as you did so, turning back towards the fixed lamp and pushing the button, the wall that was near the source of light engulfing the yellowish shine. You walked towards the entrance of your room and used your free hand to turn of the switch, the room becoming a bit dimmer but still having the lamp as the only source of light bringing the area a soft glow.
Seeing that your cat didn't move an inch where you have put him, you picked him up again and brought him with you on your bed with you leaning against the wall with a pillow against it not wanting to risk of having a backache tomorrow whilst you let Chairo rest on you stomach, hearing him purr brought a fond smile to your face. You patted the top of his head and regained focus back to your phone. You used the fingerprint lock and had the homescreen in a matter of seconds, and the first thing that your eyes catched on was the message and phone app on the bottom most part of the screen that had a dot, meaning for only one thing that somebody have messaged you.
One specific person that had you thought of it was your mother, because back at the late dinner the two of you had indulged she's told you so. How she called you and you weren't answering even with her messages. When you told her about the phone's whereabouts, she couldn't hear it from your drawer from the fact that your phone was left on mute. She could only sigh and carried on with another topic.
Even though that you knew it came from, like any other person who do, you'd check it, the messaging app more specifically. Pressing the button, you were welcomed with three different contact numbers in highlighted bold letters telling that you haven't read it yet. You clicked your mother's contact.
Mom 🌻❤️
What time are u going home?
Sent. 9:45 PM June 12, 20XX
Where are you right now?
Sent. 9:59 PM June 12, 20XX
Are you still at work?
Sent. 10:00 PM June 12, 20XX
Respond to me [name].
Sent. 10:02 PM June 12, 20XX
[Name]
Sent. 10:04 PM June 12, 20XX
Why aren't you responding to my
calls?
Sent. 10:07 PM June 12, 20XX
[Name] please respond
Sent. 10:09 PM June 12, 20XX
Darling, please don't do it
Sent. 10:10 PM June 12, 20XX
Wait.
You had three contacts left unread and you had just received right?
Pressing the triangular shaped button from the screen, you headed back towards where your contacts were in, finding that your mother's weren't left unread anymore and for only two for you to read. The name under your mother's was Ugetsu's contact and you cocked your eyebrows slightly at the sudden and late reply he has given you. You pressed his name and let your eyes skim through the recent chats you had with him before wanting to reply to his new message.
You
happy birthday, ojiisan !! :)
Sent. 4:23 AM. June 6, 20XX
¹Mugetsu 🌙
Haha very funny.
Sent. 4: 24 AM. June 6, 20XX
Thank you though, I appreciate it
Sent. 4:24 AM. June 6, 20XX
So much
Sent 4:24. AM June 6, 20XX
ok ojiisan
Sent. 4:25 AM. June 6, 20XX
😡
Sent. 4: 25 AM. June 6, 20XX
Anyways, why are you still awake?
Sent. 4:27 AM. June 6, 20XX
I don't know why are you
Sent 4:27 AM. June 6, 20XX
You unsent a message.
the reason is for me to
know and for you to find out
Sent. 4:29 AM. June 6, 20XX
sorry, had to do something
Sent. 4: 41 AM. June 20XX
Don't you have school
Sent. 4: 41 AM. June 6, 200X
:)
Sent. 4:42 AM. June 6, 20XX
[Name]...
Sent 4:42 AM. June 6, 20XX
Your sleeping schedule frightens
me
Sent. 4: 42 AM. June 6, 20XX
good thing that it does ojiisan
Sent 4:42 AM. June 6, 20XX
Go get some sleep idiot
Sent. 4: 43 AM. June 6, 20XX
just set my alarm to 6:50 end
still have at least twp hoyrs
and seben minuttes to slep isnt
that exitinG
Sent. 4:43 AM. June 6, 200X
Seriously [Name] just sleep
Sent. 4:44 AM. June 6, 20XX
will do ojiisan...
Sent 4:45 AM. June 6, 20XX
good morning
Good morning
Sent 4:46 AM. June 6, 20XX
hope your strings snap
midway playing and hits
yor eye and happy bday
again live you
Sent. 4:46 AM. June 6, 200X
Meanie :P
Sent 4:46 AM. June 6, 20XX
your apartment is locked and
i very much think that kaji-san
is not home
Sent. 4:35 PM June 8, 20XX
when are you going home?
Sent. 6:45 PM June 10, 20XX
*mugetsu are u that busy...
Sent. 12:23 PM June 11, 2022
Sorry just have been so busy
last week, have been practicing
Sent 10:34 PM June 12, 20XX
it's no big deal ig
when are you coming home though
your bf's probably missing you rn
chairo-chan's also misses
scratching your skin out
Sent 12: 01 AM June 12, 20XX
Pls don't remind me of
your demonic cat...
Sent 12:01 AM. June 12, 20XX
:)
Sent 12:01 AM. June 12, 20XX
wait, i just found out that you were
just somewhere in Tokyo, why didn't
you tell me last week
Sent 12:01 AM. June 12, 20XX
Because you didn't ask me
dumbass. I did mention
it last month when we were
together, did you forget?
Sent 12:02 AM June 12, 20XX
oh
Sent 12:02. June 12, 20XX
Is it just me or do i sense
someone who's worried
about me
Sent 12:03 AM June, 20XX
probably just u
Sent 12:03 AM. June, 20XX
A
nyways i'll probably be home
in a week or so
Sent 12:03 AM. June 12, 20XX
Can't really tell the exact date
since my schedule here is really full
Sent 12:04 AM. June 12, 20XX
you're always busy
Sent 12:04 AM June 12, 20XX
Of course I am
Sent 12:04 AM. June 12, 20XX
you don't spend time with your best
friend anymore and even though i
don't care about kaji, i could say the
same
Sent 12:05 AM. June 12, 20XX
Stop you sound like a desperate
ex or a partner something like that
Go bother your gf don't you have one ;(
Sent 12:06 AM. June 12, 20XX
can't
she's probably asleep
but as much as i want really
bother you i need sleep
Sent 12:06 AM. June 12, 20XX
Finally you have something to
say that's actually rational
Sent 12:07 AM. June 12, 20XX
stop sounding like a genius
Sent 12:07 AM. June 12, 20XX
good morning
Sent 12:08 AM. June 12, 20XX
Good morning :)
Sent 12:08 AM. June 12, 20XX
Sighing with the corner of your lips raising slightly, you turned your attention to the cat laying on top of your clothed belly as he shifted his furry body slightly, letting out a low purr as he had his eyes closed. You quickly reverted back to your phone, feeling the wave of fatigue wash over your body.
It was strange to feel sleepy at around this time, you considered twelve o'clock to be an early time for you to go to sleep - since, usually at around that hour your eyes were still wide and totally has no chance of blinking a sleep away but now, you could feel your eyes droop from tiredness, perhaps it was from the crying session that you've had earlier. You didn't want to think any further anymore, only having to exit Ugetsu's contact as your eyes shifted to the name under his.
[Nameeeeee]
Sent 10:23 PM. March 14, 20XX
It was a message that was from Yuri. You weren't thinking of checking her messages today, you thought. That was how you've been thinking for the last and recent many weeks. Would she believe you that your reason was that you've been going through tough times...Jn the moment of mind exhaustion, you decided that she wouldn't. But still, the feeling of unimaginable guilt you have when you very well knew that you've been avoiding her overall presence for the last few months. For almost four months now.
Letting out a tired yawn, you were about to exit the app and turn off the phone fully, a pop up notification from the top of the screen prevented you from doing so.
And it was a shock to see who it came from.
It was from her.
You stared at the screen of your phone with pure wide eyes. Clearly, you weren't a message from her right now. Especially when she's stopped on March so you decided it was natural for you to feel this way. And you knew how she was an early bird when it came at night. The difference that the two of you had was how she had a fixed schedule with slumber, yours was a total wreck. You didn't need to have the hesitant voice controling your mind as your body was the one who had, pressing the notification without hesitation was what you did and the silent scare curiosity had brought you with reading that you were left with her from the previous month's of your avoidance towards the girl.
Yuriii ♡︎
I'll see u tomorrow ♡︎
Sent 7:01 PM. February 29, 20XX
Wanna hangout at that new cafe I was
talking about earlier? After school club
activites? ^^
Sent 4:30 PM. March 10, 20XX
You aren't texting me back, are you
alright?
Sent 6:23 PM. March 10, 20XX
I think you're busy, tell me when you're
free so we can go? ^^
Sent 2:23 PM. March 11, 20XX
Heyyyy, I was in your room earlier this
morning and you were sleeping! I didn't
want to bother you but have you've been
getting enough sleep lately? Just worried
cuz u told me about your poor sleeping
schedule a while ago Love uu
Sent 1:20 PM. March 12, 20XX
You're ignoring me :')
Sent 12:18 PM. March 13, 20XX
[Nameeeeee]
Sent 8:23 PM. March 14, 20XX
Can we talk after school? Meet me
at Horushi, it's that one cafe that's not
too far away from our school. It's
important by the way.
Sent 12:10 AM. June 12, 20XX
Just then, another message arrived. Your brows furrowed.
And please don't ditch me this time,
Fujita-san.
Sent 12:11 AM. June 12, 20XX
You stared at your phone, face slowly turning into a blank expression. For a second or could have been more, it was just you and the rectangular gadget staring at each other well as much as what a non-living could do, it probably would have been shaking just by the look that you were giving it.
You turned it off, the light of the phone no longer illuminating your face, slipping it from the grasp of your hand and with it falling to the right side of your head. You rested the back of your hand on top of your eyes covering them in an instant and having them closed. A sigh was breathed out from your lips, too shaky, and a curve of a frown immediately made its way to your lips.
You expected the worst outcome of the relationship the two of you had tomorrow.
*Mugetsu - a nickname [name] gave to ugetsu. It also means "moonless sky" and the nickname itself reminded them of his hair.