A/N: Credit to Elmax4LifeAAAAA for the idea!
TW: Suicidal thoughts/attempt, rape/sexual assault
Max's POV:
God knows how long I've been in this fucking darkness. It's pitch black everywhere, there's water up to my ankles. I hate it.
I just wanna go home. I'd do anything to be back in Hawkins. Anything to even see something other than just... emptiness.
I think I'm in the void. El told me the void was pitch black, and there was shallow water. I didn't think it'd be this bad. No wonder she hates going there so bad. I miss El. I miss everyone, I just wanna go back.
It's all Vecna's fault. He used me and my trauma to get what he wanted, revenge. Revenge on the world? Or revenge on El? I have no idea. I just really hope that motherfucker is dead.
I think he is though. I used to hear his voice, only as a whisper, but one day it just vanished. There's no way he's still out there. El definitely killed him. I mean, how could she not? Did you see the way she made him levitate? That was badass.
As you can probably tell, when you're all alone and in constant silence you have a lot of time to think. Most of the time it's random shit, like what does ice cream tastes like again? I've sort of forgotten it, also how the fuck have I not died of starvation yet? How come I'm never hungry?
As I began wondering what dog breed each of my friends are, I suddenly felt a subtle heat on the top of my head. I looked up, and I saw something I never knew I'd be so grateful for.
Light.
White light, a bit of blue. Bit of grey. I don't really care what colour, all I know is I'm heading for it.
I jumped up and my fingers brushed over the 'hole' in the roof, and immediately I was transported into a tunnel of flashing colours and voices. I heard constant beeps, multiple people talking.
"Nah, I'll... and sleep here tonight."
"Alright...j- bye."
My mind's fuzzy, the voices muffled.
A door closed.
Suddenly, I felt aware. I could hear things clearly. I could smell things. Mostly bleach. I could taste the cool air and feel a soft hand in mine. It felt slightly limp, but still held mine tightly. It felt very familiar, but I couldn't figure out exactly who.
The last thing I needed was sight. And well, taste. But sight first. I urged my eyes to open, but they didn't. I swear to god if you don't fucking op-
They opened.
Light blinded me for a second and it took a few seconds for them to adjust. Fucking hell, I can see. Shapes, lights, colours. All of it.
I then remembered the hand in mine and looked to my right, seeing someone asleep in the chair beside me. They were wearing a hoodie and had their hood one but I could still tell it was El.
"El?" I said, my voice sounding hoarse. I cleared my throat and attempted to speak again. "El?" That's better.
She still didn't respond so I caressed the back of her hand with my thumb. "Eleven."
She jerked awake and flinched back for a second before her eyes met mine. They widened and she didn't blink for a good 5 seconds.
I chuckled. "Hi." I said, oddly calm.
"Max?" She asked quietly, her eyes already filling with tears.
I nodded and she immediately hugged me tight. It didn't hurt though.
"I thought I lost you." She said quietly, close to my ear, making me shiver slightly. "I'm so sorry."
"Don't worry, you don't have to apologise. Nothing that happened was your fault. At all." I assured her.
"How long have I been out?" I asked once we pulled away.
"6 months." El answered.
I was shocked, I've been in a coma for 6 whole months?! "And you stayed this whole time?"
She nodded, "For the most part. We all have, even the adults like Joyce. She's gone to Alaska for some weird conference now though."
"Where are the boys?" I asked, looking around the room.
"They literally went out to get food like 5 minutes ago. They should be back soon."
"Their reactions are gonna be funny as hell. Wait, didn't you have a buzz cut when I last saw you? In my mind?"
"Mhm. It's a long story, but at least I got my powers back."
"Can I see it?" I asked.
"My hair?"
"Yeah."
El shrugged and leaned closer so I could pull her hood down. Once I did, her hair popped out and I giggled.
"Woah." I said, running my hand through her soft curls.
"Like it?" She asked.
"I love it. You suit short hair so much." I answered.
"Thank you." She smiled, "I guess I'm used to it by now, but I'll probably grow it out again."
"Like how it was when we went we first hung out?"
"Yeah, then if I grow it out for like 2 more years it'll be like how it was 7 months ago." She chuckled.
"Awh I didn't get to see your hair in California."
"Will probably has a picture or two. He's just like Jonathan." I widened my eyes and hit her shoulder.
"El! You can't say that!" I laughed.
"I didn't mean it in a bad way! I'm saying he likes photography."
"Really?"
"Yep. What were you thinking of?" She gave me a suspicious look and I giggled.
"Oh yeah, how was California by the way?"
"Friends don't lie, so I'll be honest with you. It was so shit."
I burst out laughing to the point where tears almost rolled down my cheeks. "I think that's the first time I've heard you curse." We both laughed even harder and by now my ribs were hurting, "What was so bad about it?" I asked once I had finally caught my breath.
"Well first of all, Joyce enrolled me in school for the first time."
"Ooooh, wait did she put you down as Eleven?"
El shook her head, "She put me down as Jane. Will was with me too."
"I bet you made loads of cool friends."
Her face seemed to fall slightly, "No, I didn't. I really wanted to though. I tried to at the beginning, but then I just sort of gave up."
"What? Why?"
"Nobody wanted to be friends with the two new kids. I think I ruined Will's chances since I didn't really know how to do anything, whereas the other kids did. He had to show me a lot of things and the others saw us together." Now she looked upset and honestly I felt upset for her too.
"Did they say anything?" I asked wearily, why were they so rude?
She shrugged, "Not really. Most people just ignored us or avoided us when they could. A few people were mean."
"Bullies?"
She nodded, "A lot of people kept calling Will gay, but I don't know what that means."
I frowned, "And to you?"
"Um well," El shuffled a bit on her chair and began fidgeting with her fingers, "No one said anything in particular. Just depended on what they were feeling on the day. Someone started a rumour that I used to live in a forest, which is why I was so clueless about everything. It's not like they were wrong, but it didn't make me feel very good. I always saw people whisper things to their friends when they saw me and even laugh, and I didn't like going to school anymore. I didn't want to either."
She pulled on each finger as she continued, "But Joyce said I had to so I could learn. I was failing all my tests b-but I didn't want to leave Will alone, although I probably should have." She smiled sadly, "It was just a new thing everyday about me, and he was getting punished because of it. People didn't speak to him because he hung out with me and I just-" She hesitated, "I just wish they didn't bring me with them. Will would've made new friends, Jonathan could've relaxed more instead of focusing on getting to college just so I could have enough room, and Joyce wouldn't have to work so hard and get so stressed."
"Why did you not want them to take you?" I asked, noticing her hands shaking slightly now as she pressed them down on her legs, attempting to keep them still.
"They already have enough to deal with, they don't need me to add to it. I- I could've just fixed the holes in the cabin, when I first lived there Hopper and I fixed the roof and everything. I could've just lived alone and it would just be easier for everybody else. Or if it got really bad I could've just gone back to the l-lab." My eyes widened as she continued.
"Turns out Papa was still alive, so I could've just g-gone back to him and everything would be how it was. I'm not even still meant to be here, I was meant to find Will and go back, but I didn't and now all this happened. So many people died just because I was scared." She twisted the skin on her fingers, "I was the one who started everything, I created the gate, I created Vecna, I just fuck everything up and other people get hurt because of it. Even you Max. My mistakes got you hurt and I couldn't even save you, which was the least I could've done."
"But you did save me El." I assured.
She shook her head, "I only revived you, that doesn't count. I w-watched you die because when I was in your mind, I failed. I relived all my trauma and got my powers back and I still didn't win." She sighed, "I just want to give up."
"Give up what?" I asked, desperately wanting to wipe the tears that were now steadily falling from her eyes.
"Everything. I don't want to do it anymore, I c-can't." Her voice broke, "I just want to give up and make everyone happy again. I just want to be happy again. But I can't be, because I'm me. I have these stupid powers and I'm always expected to keep everyone safe but I just can't. H-Hopper still isn't back but Joyce keeps on hoping, I used to hear her cry every night, begging Hopper to come back. And then you went into a coma and the boys did the same for you. And I can't bear it anymore, I don't wanna lose anyone else. I don't wanna hear anyone else cry, begging for someone they love to come back. So I'm gonna go before that happens."
I looked at her, "What do you mean 'go'?" I asked, dread filling my heart.
She shrugged and looked down, "It doesn't matter anyway. I shouldn't have told you all that, I don't want you to worry. I'm meant to be the one comforting you." She chuckled as she wiped her tears away, "Forget everything I've just said. I don't know what I'm talking about."
"El-" Before I could continue, the door opened and I heard gasps and even a scream.
"Max!" Dustin shouted, running up to me and engulfing me in a massive bear hug. I smiled and hugged him back, as I did with the other boys as well.
"Hey." I chuckled once they had calmed down.
"Hi! How long have you been awake?" Lucas asked.
"Not long, only like 20 minutes. I've just been talking to El."
They all looked at her and El looked confused, "What?" She asked.
"Why are your eyes red?" Dustin asked. "Are you okay?"
El shrugged, "I'm probably just tired or something." I looked at her but she avoided my eyes. She knows damn well that's not the truth. And she ignored the last question. I thought friends don't lie.
The boys looked back to me and smiled. I guess they believed her. "You hungry?" Dustin asked, holding up the bag of food.
———
Now it's almost midnight. We've been talking, eating and laughing this whole time. The doctors came in to run a few tests and they were dumbfounded when it showed I was practically perfectly fine. They just said I might feel slight aching for the next couple hours but other then that I'm ready to go home tomorrow.
What El told me still remains in my mind, and it keeps replaying. Did she really mean 'go' in the way I'm thinking? Or does she mean something completely different?
The boys were already snoring on the other side of the room, their heads on each other's shoulders. It was kinda cute to be honest. El was still awake and so was I. She hadn't spoken in a while and it looked like she was trying to get to sleep, which clearly wasn't working.
"El." I whispered.
"Hmm?" She asked, opening her eyes and looking at me.
"I can't sleep." I said quietly, trying not to wake up the boys.
"Same. This chair is so ass."
I giggled, "You swearing is never not going to be funny to me. But if the chair is uncomfortable come sleep with me on the bed."
She frowned, "Am I allowed to?"
"Who gives a shit? We make our own rules, remember?"
She smiled, "Alright."
I shuffled over to the side to give her space and she laid down beside me. I rested my head on her shoulder and put my arm around her body before interlocking our legs. My breath hitched as she placed her hand on my bare back, my shirt was messed up so she pulled it back down, keeping a part of it up so she was still touching my now-hot body.
"I missed you." She said quietly, her eyes closed.
I smiled and nuzzled into her neck, "I missed you too."
———
El's POV:
3 days.
That's all I'm giving myself.
3 days left to live.
It feels good saying that. 3 days until everyone is happy. 3 days till everything is back to normal. 3 days left for me here.
I wanted to give myself less, but I need to say bye to everyone first. I at least owe them that. Plus, I really do love them, and I want them to know that it's not their fault.
I've been thinking of how I can die. I want to feel like I deserve it, which I do. I was thinking maybe an overdose, but there's no way I could hide pills for 3 days without someone sniffing it out.
Then I thought of drowning, I don't know how to swim so I couldn't have any second thoughts. Memories of the tank and Nina before I die is a good idea. I don't deserve any good memories.
Then I thought of burning alive, but I think that'd hurt a bit too much.
Maybe jumping from a somewhere tall. That's a good idea. I could catch a bus and go somewhere where no one I know would find me, and if someone did see me I'd just get ignored or avoided. I'm gonna do that.
I opened my eyes and saw everyone still asleep. Max was still on me and her hand in mine was the only thing that reminded me to stay in reality.
I stayed there for a while, thinking of where I could go. California? No way. Illinois? Too expensive. I don't know anywhere else. Hawkins it is I guess. I'll just have to go far. The junkyard, that's where Lucas called me a monster. I forgave him of course, and we're super close now, but bad memories is what I need.
Alright. So here's the plan so far. Go to Hawkin's junkyard, bring as many pills as I can, just in case the fall isn't enough. No second thoughts, no doubts. No one can know. Say goodbye in person without rising suspicion, leave a letter for everyone. Take the pills, jump off, done. The weird girl is finally gonna be dead.
I smiled to myself at the plan and saw everyone slowly waking up. "What are you smiling about?" Max murmured, snuggling closer to me.
"Huh?" I asked, "Morning by the way."
"Morning." She yawned and held me tighter.
The boys all slowly began to wake up. "Hey." Lucas said, stretching.
"Hi." I answered.
"Hey, why does El get to sleep on the bed?!" Dustin shouted. Will winced at the volume.
"Coz I wanted her to." Max said, giving him the middle finger without even looking at him.
"How is that fair?!" He argued.
"Shut up Dustin, I'm trying to sleep." She groaned, burying her head into my neck.
I chuckled as I realised she had actually fallen asleep again, and Dustin shouted, "Max, wake up! We can go to-"
"Shhhh!" Mike said, "Let her sleep dude, let them both sleep a bit more."
"But-" Dustin tried.
"We can go out later. El, just text me when you two are ready to go. We can go out in the day or the evening it doesn't really matter."
I smiled, "Alright, bye boys."
"See ya El." Will waved before shutting the door behind them.
"Finally." Max murmured.
"You've been awake this whole time?" I chuckled.
"Mhm, I'm not that tired anymore."
"Wanna get up then?"
"Nooo, it's comfy here."
"Okay, we'll stay."
Half an hour later, we were still lying down and Max was still cuddled up next to me.
"El." Max whispered.
"Hmm?"
"What were you saying yesterday?"
"What do you mean?"
"When you said you wanted to, 'go'? What did you mean?"
I thought for a second, she can't know. No one can. "I don't know. I didn't really mean anything in particular, half the things I said weren't even true." I lied.
"They weren't?"
"Not really. I honestly don't know what I was thinking about yesterday, my mind was just everywhere."
"That makes sense. Lucas said there's gonna be a fair near town hall, we should go."
"Today?" I asked.
"No, I think it's gonna be open by like Saturday or something."
"What day is it today?"
"Monday."
That's over 3 days away.
"Are you gonna come?" She asked.
"I'll see. I might be busy."
"With what?"
"I've been helping the Byers' unpack, they've moved back here. And so have I, I guess."
"Oh, cool. Once you're done can we hang out?"
I smiled, "Of course."
"Come on, let's get up before Dustin goes crazy." Max giggled.
"Why don't we go to the park? You're gonna get to go home today so we might as well go out. Only if you're up to it though." I suggested.
"Hell yeah. I can't wait to get out the shithole."
I laughed and Max sat up, rubbing her eyes with closed fists. "Oh shit, I don't have any of my clothes do I?"
"No, but you can borrow some of mine. We're all heading to Will's first, I think so anyway."
"Okay, let's go then."
———
An hour had passed and we were both ready. I called the boys and they had met up with us, now we're walking to Will's. They're talking about some random stuff, probably something to do with DnD.
I'm walking behind them all, but intentionally. I just need to think rather than speak.
About the plan. I could get pills from Joyce's medicine cupboard or something, but I don't want to waste her hard earned money on myself. I'll just see when the time comes.
"El, you got the keys?" Will asked. I looked up to see we were already here.
"Oh, yeah. Here." I handed him my keys from my pocket and he thanked me before unlocking the door.
"Ugh, it's so weird here without Jonathan and mum." Will said, looking around at the quiet house.
I nodded and went into the kitchen, deciding to wash the dishes. Max came in a couple minutes later and jumped up onto the counter near me.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Washing up." I answered.
"Need any help?"
"Nah, you should rest." I said.
"I've been asleep for 6 months, I'll be fine." She joked. I smiled at her and carried on washing.
She put a finger under the water and quickly recoiled. "Fucking hell El! That's boiling!"
I looked at her confused, "No it isn't?"
"Are you joking?" She turned off the taps and I looked at my hands. They were slightly red and now I finally felt the sting.
"Oh." I said.
She looked at me and chuckled before jumping off the counter, getting frozen peas out the freezer and wrapping them in a tea towel. "Here." She said, holding my hands in hers and gently holding the ice pack on top of them. "You could've burned your hands off."
I shook my head but smiled anyway, using my better hand to keep the ice pack on. "You good?" Max asked. I nodded. "Let's go in the living room, apparently the boys want to ask you something."
We both walked into the living room, and the boys were sitting on the couch and floor, looking up at us. "Hey, El we wanted to ask you something." Lucas said.
"I heard." I answered, sitting down on a free chair. "What do you wanna ask?"
Max sat down on the floor beside Lucas, and the boys all looked at each other.
"What?" I asked.
"It's a bit personal. But we need to know the answer, okay?" Mike assured.
"Sure." I answered.
"Alright. Remember the day we found you in the forest? And we brought you to Mike's house?" Lucas began.
"Yeah?"
"Remember when Mike gave you some of his clothes? And you were gonna get changed?" Mike continued.
I nodded.
"Well, why did you try to get dressed in front of us?" Dustin asked.
Max and Will looked confused, and honestly so did I.
"I didn't get changed in front of you." I answered, completely lost.
"No, but you were going to before Mike stopped you." Lucas explained.
"What are you lot getting at?" I sighed, wanting to get to the point.
"You were 11 at the time. Why did you almost get changed in front of us?" Dustin asked.
I chuckled, "I had just ran away from the lab guys. Obviously I wouldn't know."
"So you didn't know. Does that mean when you were in the lab you'd get changed in front of the bad men? In front of Brenner?" Mike asked. Max widened her eyes and looked at me, as if she was expecting an answer. They all were.
I froze.
I tried to forget.
"...what?" I asked quietly.
"You didn't know what privacy was. Which means you didn't know in the lab either. So how did you get changed?" Dustin asked.
I laughed, trying to hide my nerves. "I changed like a normal person."
"No but like, where? In your room or...?" Lucas asked, sounding kind of confused.
"Why are you asking about this now?" I said, trying to change the subject.
"We just wanna know El."
"You don't need to know." I answered, sharper than intended. That seemed to be the answer to them.
"So you did get changed in front of them?" Dustin asked loudly, his eyes wide.
"It depended okay?!" I shouted, tears entering my eyes. I wanted to forget about it, I tried so hard.
"It depended on what El?" Lucas asked in a soft tone.
"On whether I was good or bad that day." I answered, trying to hold my tears in. A lump formed in the back of my throat, one I couldn't just swallow down.
"Bad as in behaviour or-"
"Anything and everything could be bad. Behaviour, the test results, my choices that day, how many times I cried, how many times I got locked in the cupboard, everything. I don't even know why we're talking about this." I let out a shaky breath as everyone stared at me. "Anything else you wanna ask?"
"Just... a couple more things." Lucas said hesitantly.
I nodded.
"So, you were the only one in the lab right?" He asked.
"Since I was 8, yes. Before that, no."
"What happened to the others?" Dustin asked.
"001 killed them all."
Everyone looked at each other, "001 as in Vecna? What happened?" Will asked.
"He killed everyone when we were planning to escape. He used me to get the tracker out his neck. Then he went and killed them all. I wasn't meant to see it but I did anyway. He tried to convince me to join him, but I refused. He tried to kill me too, and he almost did before I made him turn into dust. Which I now know, was me sending him into the upside down. Kinda like when I killed the demogorgan. That's when the original gate was made." I explained.
"Right, so Brenner thought you killed everyone?" Mike asked.
I shrugged, "Guess so."
"And what did that mean for you?" Will asked.
"I was the only test subject left, and there was a whole different dimension to check out now. More tests, more sessions in the tank, more going into the void."
"Wait wait wait. Let's go back to the previous subject. If you were the only one left in the lab, what would they do to you?" Dustin asked.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"When you could changed in front of them. Would they do anything?" He elaborated.
"I don't even know. Some men would inject me, and I'd just wake up in my room. Others grabbed me and dragged me somewhere but I don't remember anything else."
"Maybe your mind shut off some parts." Mike suggested.
"Good." I said, clearly it didn't shut off enough.
"Okay, one more thing. How did you escape?" Lucas asked.
"I crawled through the sewer pipe 001 had showed me when we were meant to run away together. Then I found Benny's which is why I was in the shirt when you guys found me. Then you know the rest." I explained.
They nodded and didn't speak, looking like they were going over what I had said.
Moments were replaying in my mind. Moments that I shouldn't have ever remembered.
The workers didn't get punished for it. Over and over I was being dragged by the arm, into the cupboard. The door shut behind him as he smirked.
It was as if I opened my eyes, and I was in my mind. In those memories. I looked around, I was in the dark cupboard.
The door creaked open slowly as light entered. I looked down at myself, I must've been around 8 or 9. The man outside the door smirked, he looked in his early 30s, "Come on Eleven, time to get changed. You were very naughty today, not doing what Papa told you. You know what happens when you're naughty right?"
I nodded, tears in my eyes. I tried to walk away, I tried to go back, but I couldn't. I stood up from where I was initially huddled in the corner, and slowly made my way to the door.
He opened it wider and I left the closet. "Come with me." I followed him as he led me into an empty room. He locked the door before he turned to face me and smirked. "Get changed."
"I don't want to." I said quietly.
He frowned, "What was that?"
"I don't want to get changed." I repeated.
"Shall I get Papa?" He asked angrily, "He'll teach you to listen to your elders."
I shook my head, "No Papa."
He smirked, "Then be a good girl and get dressed. Here." He handed me my clean clothes and underwear.
I looked down at my gown and hesitated for a second before reaching down and lifting it over my head. I didn't dare look up at the man, but I could feel his eyes on me. "Now your underwear." The man instructed, breaking the silence.
I tried to cover myself with the old gown, but he snatched it from my small hands. "Covering is for good girls. Not naughty ones."
I took my underwear off as quickly as I could, getting into the new ones before putting my clean gown on.
"Good girl. Now help with what you did." He said, his voice sounding oddly hoarse.
I looked at him confused, but then saw the bulge in his pants. I felt like throwing up, I probably would've if I wasn't so scared. So this is what my brain tried to make me forget.
"Come here." He sat down on the white block we used as a bench, and patted the spot beside him. I walked up to the block and sat down.
All of a sudden he stood up and took his trousers and boxers off. I stayed silent as he sat back down, I knew what was going to happen. It happened every time.
"Put your hand on it." He said.
I shook my head, clenching my hands into fists so he couldn't get them.
He grabbed them anyway and used his strength to uncurl my fingers. He grabbed my wrist harshly and made me touch him.
He let out quiet groans and even moaned as he continued to move my hand up and down. I tried to pull away but he just held me tighter, way too strong for me to even think about pulling away again.
He got harder and harder as we carried on, and his other hand was on the back of my neck, forcing me to watch.
He let out a frustrated groan and moved his hand from the back of my neck to the back of my head. "Open." He said.
"N-no." I muttered.
He pulled on my short hair and attempted to push me down. "Fucking do it bitch, or I'll tell Papa."
Tears rolled down my cheeks as he forced me down. He groaned loudly and thrusted into my mouth, making me gag.
He kept me down there until he released. "Swallow it bitch." I shook my head but he grabbed my neck. "Do it."
I looked away and spat it out, but that just made it worse for me. He pushed me back against the wall, lifting my gown up and pulling my underwear down.
"N-no, please." I begged.
"Shut up." He said, lining his thing up to my area.
"Please. I'm s-sorry!" He pounded into me again and again, until I was screaming in pain.
"Stop! Please! Papa!" I was so desperate for the pain to stop I even called for papa.
He put his fingers into my mouth, gagging me as I sobbed. Eventually he released all over my clothes and he smirked, stepping back. I looked up at him and lifted him up with my powers. His smug face formed into one of terror, "Put me down." He ordered.
"No." I answered, throwing him into the wall. I used my powers to lift the block and threw that at him too. He shouted for papa as I kept throwing it into his body, blood running down my nose.
The door swung open and Papa entered. He grabbed me from behind, the shock making me let go of the block. It was now fully covered with blood on one side.
"Eleven. You're staying in the cupboard for 2 nights." He said firmly, grabbing my arm.
"No, please!" I screamed as two other men dragged me away. "Papa!"
"El!" Max shouted, shaking me by the shoulders, "Fucking hell." She said, crouching down so she could see my face better.
"What happened?" I asked quietly, suddenly feeling the urge to throw up.
"You just kinda... zoned out? I don't know, you tell me what happened." She said.
"I need to-"
I stood up and ran to the bathroom, throwing up everything I ate last night. Max stood behind me and moved my hair out of my face, keeping it behind my back. She gently rubbed my back as I flushed the toilet.
"Ugh." I groaned, sitting down on the floor.
"What the hell happened?" Max asked as the boys ran inside.
"I remembered. I remembered everything." I said as tears entered my eyes.
"What do you remember?" Dustin asked.
"Shut up Dustin, she doesn't have to tell us everything." Max said sharply.
"But... maybe she wants to?" Lucas asked.
Max looked at me and I shook my head. "She doesn't. So everyone just drop everything and we'll go do something fun. Still wanna go to the park?"
I nodded.
"Alright, let's all get ready." Will said, clapping his hands.
———
Max's POV:
30 minutes later, we were all ready and at the park. El still seemed upset, so I went up to her as she mindlessly swung back and forth.
"You alright?" I asked.
She seemed to snap out of it and looked at me, "Yeah." She sighed.
"You know if someone asks you something you don't have to answer it right?" I said, sitting on the swing beside her.
"Mhm." She hummed.
"You didn't have to tell them anything."
"I know."
"You said you remembered something, and then you vomited. I'm guessing it wasn't a good thing."
She shook her head. "Not good." She agreed.
"Is that why you don't wanna tell anyone? Even if you might need to?"
She shrugged, "I guess. But it's all irrelevant now anyway, it happened ages ago."
"If you still suffer because of it, it's relevant."
"Even if I tell someone it won't change anything. What's happened, has happened."
I nodded, "True, but it might lessen the pressure right? Knowing you're not keeping it all to yourself?"
"No, coz what if that person goes around telling everyone?"
"A real friend wouldn't. And all of us around you are real friends."
"You guys would look at me different."
"Even if you killed someone, I would still love you the same." I felt heat rise to my cheeks, weird.
El looked at me sadly, and I raised my eyebrows. "You've killed someone?"
"Many people actually." She muttered.
"Hey, I mean- I've seen you destroy actual monsters. Come on now, you really think I'm gonna be surprised?"
She smiled and so did I. "I missed that."
"What?" El asked.
"Your smile. A real one."
She chuckled, "All of them are real." She mocked.
"I'm not stupid El, but just remember you can talk to me alright? Even if you wanna tell me the smallest little thing."
She nodded, "I know."
"Good." I was about to get up until she asked me something.
"Hey- uhhh. Do you wanna keep this?" She took of her bracelets and handed it to me.
"Isn't that your favourite one?" I asked, confused.
"Yeah, I just don't want it anymore. It'll look good on you."
"Actually?" I asked.
She nodded, "In fact, come here. I'll help put it on."
I walked up to her and she put it around my wrist. It was a really pretty bracelet, I was just confused on why she was giving it to me.
"El? What are you planning?" I asked.
Her eyes widened. Almost as if she's been caught, "Planning?"
"Yeah, why are you giving me this?"
She shrugged, "Just wanted to."
I looked at her for a second, "Well, thank you. It's really pretty."
She smiled, "You're welcome."
———
Time passed and we were back at Will's. Together we were in the living room, watching some random ass movie.
"Ugh, what is this shit?" Mike groaned, sitting beside Will on the couch with a bowl of popcorn between his legs.
"I don't even know, apparently it's meant to be good." Dustin answered.
"Might as well watch it. We've already watched Karate Kid like a thousand times." Lucas said.
"And it's as good every time." I added, looking at him.
He put his hands up mockingly, "Whatever you say Max."
El was looking at the clock, and it seemed like she was getting impatient.
———
El's POV:
God, why are the days so much slower now?
Why can't time just hurry up so I can die already?
Max sat beside me and looked at me. "What you looking at?" She asked.
"The clock." I answered.
"Why?"
"I want the time to go faster."
"Why would you want that?"
"So things can end quicker, duh." I joked.
"What do you want to end?" She asked.
"This movie first of all. Even I could make a better one."
She chuckled, "We should make a movie. Will has that video camera, right?"
Will heard his name and looked at us, "Huh?"
"We were just saying that we could make a better movie, and that you have a video camera." Max explained.
He laughed slightly and nodded, "It's in my room, we should watch those old videos, it'd be cute."
"That's such a good idea!" Dustin suddenly shouted, making us all jump.
We laughed afterwards, and Will went upstairs to get the camera.
We turned the movie off and instead Will connected the camera to the tv. We smiled at old pictures, 1983, me with a buzz cut. 1984, all of us there, so much happier. Max and I hugging. We all laughed at my goth clothes, and at my reaction at Dustin finally having teeth.
Nancy and Jonathan holding hands in the park, Robin on Steve's back. Max and I at the mall for the first time. That was the best day ever.
Mike and Will at a sleepover, us all in Mike's basement. Max in the air on her skateboard, me stroking Mews after months of being terrified of him.
Will stayed on that picture for longer than the others, realising it was actually a video. He clicked play and we watched as I hesitantly reached a hand out to his soft fur.
He hissed and I jumped back, landing on my back. The others laughed as memories flashed in my mind.
The white cat hissed. My heart rate sped up as I tried my best to keep my eyes on it. It growled, I heard the beeps of the monitor, Papa was watching me. I have to be good. It gave a deep mew, my bottom lip began trembling.
I whimpered at it's noises, despite it being in a cage, I was scared. I was trapped just like this cat. I tried to make myself shrink, my heart began beating rapidly in my chest.
I looked over to Papa, shakily inhaling and exhaling. He had his hand on his chin, his fingers on his lips, watching me and my reactions intensly.
He didn't say anything, and as the cat growled I looked back at it. It mewed and hissed again. I let out a quiet whimper yet again and put my head down, trying to use my powers on it.
My mind was racing. All I wanted to do was get away.
I looked back to Papa before looking back at the furry creature. I began to sob quietly as it meowed, nothing I did worked. I was too afraid.
I reached up and pulled the wires off my head. The rapid beeps stopped, they were no longer monitoring my heart rate.
Papa had his hands on his hips, and inhaled sharply. He was angry.
I clenched my jaw and shook my head firmly. I couldn't do it.
He nodded and looked down. Immediately two men rushed it, grabbing me by my arms and dragging me out the room.
I was going to be put in the cupboard. I hate the cupboard, I hate the dark. I hate what happens every time I go in there, I hate what happens when I'm naughty.
I tried my best to escape their grasp, kicking my legs and trying to pull my arms away. "No! No!" I shouted repetitively, "Papa! ...Papa!" He exited the room and just looked at me as I got carried away.
He didn't try to help, he was in control of these men, he could've stopped them.
"Papa! Papa! Papaaa!" I screamed, my high pitched voice echoing in the quiet halls. It wouldn't make a difference. No one here was on my side.
I struggled as they turned a corner, opening the thick wooden door and throwing me inside the cupboard.
I wasn't going to go through this again.
I quickly stood up and stood my ground, using my powers to swing the door open, making one of the men fly into the wall behind. A big crack formed as the second man held out his tranquilliser gun. I quickly snapped his neck and he fell to the floor.
Blood ran down my ear and nose, nearing my top lip as I leaned against the wall, breathing heavily. Papa suddenly turned the corner, and looked at me.
I was scared to see his reaction, and he entered the cupboard. Tears glistened in my eyes as he reached his rough hands out to my shaven head. He stroked my short hair until he reached my cheeks, as I began to sob.
"Incredible." He said as he moved his hands down to my shoulders.
Little did I know, that was only the beginning.
My eyes opened and I gasped, looking around. Max looked at me and put her hand on my shoulder. I flinched at the contact, and she quickly pulled away.
"Sorry- I- are you okay?" She asked as everyone looked at me, concerned looks on their face. I looked back towards the TV.
Mews hissed again and tears entered my eyes.
"Change it." Max said sharply, slowly placing her hand on mine. "You're okay Ellie, it's only a video." The boys looked at each other, confused. I'm sure they thought I was crazy.
Will quickly reached for the camera and changed the video, now it was a cute video of us at the arcade.
God, maybe I am going crazy. My heart was beating so fast, I felt like it'd burst out my chest, my breathing was heavy.
I felt constricted.
I felt trapped.
The eerie aura of the lab lingered around me, the heavy consequences of each choice feeling like I was being suffocated. My mind was fuzzy and my vision was blurred as tears filled them. With shaking hands I reached for my jacket, taking it off. I just needed air, I needed to calm down.
Memories flashed back and forth in mind, none of them were good. It was all trauma. The lab, Benny getting shot, seeing fake Will getting lifted out the quarry, getting screamed at, Hopper never coming back, getting bullied, Vecna, Max dying. It was all too much.
I suddenly stood up, my legs shaking from under me. I could barely stand. I headed for the stairs and I heard quick footsteps behind me.
Branches snapping. I was in the forest, that must be the bad men coming for me.
I quickly ran up the stairs, almost falling over. I stumbled into my room and attempted to slam the door behind me, but I knew the bad men kept it open with her hands. I rushed to the corner of the room.
My senses were going crazy, and I sunk down the wall, my hands grabbing my hair in tight fists. "Eleven." I heard a muffled voice say.
I shut my eyes tight, I've been caught. "I'm sorry- I didn't mean to run." I gasped, "Please don't bring me back there." I felt a hand on my knee, and I tensed up, waiting to see what they'll do to me.
"Ellie, open your eyes." The same voice said.
Ellie? The bad men never called me that.
I slowly opened my eyes and instead of being in the forest I was in my room. And the bad men weren't in front of me, Max was.
My eyes darted around, how am I here?
"I was in the lab and-" I was breathing so fast, like I've just run 5 miles without stopping once, "The cat and Papa- I just- fuck." I gasped.
"Don't think about all of that, just focus on controlling your breathing okay? Deep breath in, then out." She advised as the boys rushed in.
They all gathered around me, concern evident in their face. I felt wind hit my face, and I quickly turned to the window. Trees, the forest behind the house. The bad men are hiding there, waiting for me to come out. I know it.
I squeezed against the wall, trying to hide from the window's view.
"What's wrong El?" Lucas asked.
"T-the bad men. They're hiding in the forest." I panicked.
"No they're not, you're safe here." Mike said softly, shutting the window and closing the curtains anyway.
"I can't go back there." I sobbed, "I can't."
Will placed his hand on mine and I flinched, pulling my hand away. He looked at me sadly, "You have to calm down El. Breathe with me. In... and out." He advised.
I tried but every breath I took felt like I was drowning, "I can't!" I shouted, pulling my legs up to my chest.
"What are you gonna do? Cry to your daddy? Oh wait, you can't do that either." They all laughed at me. I felt everyone's eyes on me as I fell on the ice rink. My dress was ruined, I tried to look pretty. No one was on my side. I saw the way they looked at me, like I was a monster. They were afraid of me.
"El!" Max said, bringing me back into my room. "We're here. Nothing's going to happen to you. Please just breathe."
I inhaled, holding it for 3 seconds before exhaling. They all did it with me, I felt less alone. I still felt like I was trapped though. "Air." I gasped out.
"Air? You need air?" Lucas asked.
"Trapped." I said.
"Everyone back up a couple steps." Max ordered, and they all took a few steps back. "Is that better?" I nodded and rested my head on my knees as I regained my breath.
After a few minutes my senses were back to normal, and Max made her hand hover over mine, just carefully placing a finger at a time as I got comfortable with it.
"What happened?" Dustin asked softly.
I shook my head, "I'm okay." I answered simply.
Immediately Max's arms wrapped tightly around me, and I let out a small gasp. "I know you're not okay, and that's alright. You don't have to hug back if you don't want to, I just wanna hold you." She said. I searched her voice for any sign of doubt, maybe to check if she's lying. But I couldn't find anything, I knew she was being sincere.
I'm so lucky they're here for me. I'm so lucky to have her.
I sniffed and put my arms around her tight too, burying my face into her neck. I felt her smile against my skin, and she rubbed my back slowly as I closed my eyes.
The boys all hugged us too, so now we were all in one big group hug. Tears rolled down my cheeks, I really wish there was a better way to get rid of the guilt and undo my wrongs. I don't want to leave them behind.
"I'm so sorry," I sniffed, "For everything I've done. Even though I know it won't change the past, you all deserve an apology from me. I'm so sorry Will for opening the upside down, I'm sorry Dustin, some of your closest friends got hurt because of me. And Lucas, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that just to try stop everything. Mike, I'm so sorry for anytime I've lied, and for not finding Will faster." I wiped my tears away, "And I'm so sorry Max. I'm sorry for not shaking your hand when we first met, for not getting my powers back fast enough, for not saving you from him. I'm so sorry for everything."
I sobbed and they all tightened the hug, giving my numb body a small comfort. "You don't have to apologise, we never even blamed you in the first place." Dustin said.
"Yeah, plus you've made everything go back to normal." Lucas added. I exhaled, they don't get it.
"Come on, it's getting late." Will said, looking out the window as the sun began to set. "Everyone wanna sleepover?" We all nodded, despite me living here anyway. "Okay. El, can we sleep in here?"
"Yeah." I said, my voice quiet after the crying. I slowly pulled away from Max and she held one of my hands, a warm smile on her face.
"I'm so proud of you Ellie." She said, kissing my cheek.
God, I feel like I could cry again. Happy tears this time. People rarely tell me they're proud of me, yet the girl I hurt most is the one telling me things the others couldn't.
She gave my hand a gentle squeeze before standing up, using our linked hands to help me up too.
"Right, boys come into my room so I can give you some of my pyjamas. El, just give Max some of yours." Will said.
I nodded and walked over to my closet as the boys left the room. "Would you like shorts or trousers?" I asked, my mood slightly lifted after the hug.
"Umm, shorts please. Any shirt." She took her shoes off and put them next to mine. I handed her grey shorts and a white T-shirt.
She smiled and took them, "Thank you. Shall I get changed in the bathroom?"
"Oh, no no. I will. I'll just knock when I'm done." I took a black T-shirt out my closet as well as red and black plaid pyjama trousers. I gave her a small smile before shutting the door behind me, going into the bathroom and quickly getting changed before the boys needed to come in here.
While I was in there, I decided to just brush my teeth and wash my face, before fixing my hair a bit.
Around 10 minutes had passed, so I thought Max would be done by now. I left the bathroom and knocked on the door.
"One second!" She shouted from the other side. I heard a small bang, like something dropped. "Well fuck you too!" She shouted. I giggled to myself and I heard her sigh a few seconds later. "El? Can you come in?"
"Yeah." I slowly opened the door, and saw Max with with my shorts on, but still wearing her shirt. "Everything okay?"
She groaned, "No. Every time I try undo my buttons my arms start aching."
"Aching?" I asked, concerned.
She nodded, "The doctor said it was expected, remember?"
Suddenly I remembered, "Oh yeah. Want me to help?"
"Yes please, if you don't mind." I shook my head and locked the door in case the boys came in, walking up to Max.
"Just your shirt?" I asked, moving my fingers to the buttons.
"Mhm." She hummed, lifting her head slightly.
I undid her first button, and I noticed her cheeks turn a faint red colour.
Is she... blushing?
I revealed her neck slowly with each one, and on the third button my knuckles accidentally brushed up against her skin. Her breath hitched and she looked down at my hands.
"Sorry." I muttered, working on undoing the final button.
"Don't worry about it." She said, her voice quiet.
I finally did it and I looked at her. Her eyes met mine and I realised how close we were.
I swallowed hard as she didn't break eye contact. "I- uh... put your arms up." I said, reaching for the folded up T-shirt on my bed.
She put her arms up and I pulled her shirt off her head. I put my T-shirt on her and she smiled. "Thank you."
"No problem." I said, going to unlock the door as I heard the boys knocking.
They came in holding a mountain of blankets and pillows.
I stood to the side to let them in before shutting the door behind them.
"Let's sort out the bed arrangements." Will said.
"Okay. Well, who wants my bed?" I asked.
"Me!" Max said with no hesitation, jumping onto it.
"Damn it!" Dustin cursed, upset he didn't get to it in time.
"I get the bed Dusty Bun." She teased, purposely annoying him.
"Alright, everyone else on the floor then." I said, just wanting to sleep.
"Nooo, we wanna watch a movie on your TV." Mike whined loudly.
"Yeah, if you don't mind." Will added sheepishly.
"I don't, you lot do what you want. I'm going to bed." I said, setting up my makeshift bed before lying on it. It was quite comfortable to be fair.
"I wanna sleep too." Max said, snuggled under my sheets.
"Go to sleep then, we'll put the volume low." Lucas said, scrolling through the movies.
"I wanna sleep with Ellll." She whined, already half asleep.
"That's not fair!" Dustin complained. "2 people can't have the bed!"
"It's her bed anyway." Max said, rubbing her eyes in attempts to stay awake.
"No one gets the bed then!" He argued.
"Fine." She gave up, getting off the bed and lying next to me.
She laid down horizontally, with her head on my chest as she made sure to take as much of Dustin's space as she could.
"Move Max!" He shouted.
"Shhh." I said, closing my eyes as one of my hands found Max's soft hair.
She hummed and rolled onto her stomach, putting her arms over me lazily.
"That's actually a dick move." Dustin huffed.
"Girls, you might as well go on the bed. You're both going to sleep and Dustin won't be so moody." Lucas said, laughing at Dustin's grumpy face.
"Oh my god, why are we moving so damn much?" Max groaned, sitting up reluctantly.
She stood up and grabbed my hand, lifting me up as she flopped onto the bed. I laid down beside her, giggling as she immediately wrapped her arm around my waist.
"Mmm, you're so warm." She mumbled, snuggling closer to to me.
"Here, don't put pressure on your arms." I whispered, rolling onto my back and lifting her on top of me.
I put the blanket over her, up to about her shoulders before stopping. The boys put a random movie on, and Max reached for one of my hands, moving it to her hair.
I smiled and slowly played with it as her eyes fluttered closed. "Goodnight." I muttered under my breath before she fell asleep.
I went in and out of sleep for the next hour, the boys talking too loud at some points. Eventually they gave up trying to be quiet, and decided to watch another movie downstairs, the sequel of whatever they were just watching. I'm pretty sure they're sleeping down there, since they brought all their pillows and blankets down with them. I fell asleep soon after anyway.
———
1 day left.
I skipped day 2, yesterday was too much. Plus, each moment I spent with the others made it harder to accept I was gonna leave them.
We're gonna hang out with the older kids today.
I woke up first, and I stretched as much as I could without waking up Max. Turns out I failed, since she stirred and slowly lifted her head. I smiled at her as she looked at each part of my face, looking very confused.
"El." She nodded finally.
"Max." I repeated quietly, amused. "How are your arms?"
She rolled onto her back and lifted her arms into the air. "Good." She answered, still looking half asleep.
"Okay, well you can go back to sleep if you'd like. Sorry for waking you up." I said, sitting up.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"I have to go plan a hangout with the older kids, remember?"
"No you don't. Lie back down, go to sleep." She mumbled, laying her head down on my lap.
"How am I meant to lie down when you're lying on my legs?"
She grumbled and lifted her head before dragging me back down next to her. "It's too early for this."
"It's 10 am." I said.
"Still too early!" She said, hitting my arm lightly.
"Okay, sorry!" I laughed lightly, placing my hand on her back and rubbing it back and forth.
"Jesus Max, why are you so hot?" I asked, feeling her warmth even through her shirt.
"Awwh, thank you." She laughed in my chest.
I chuckled despite the blush appearing on my cheeks, "I didn't mean it in that way."
She lifted her head, "What are you trying to say?" She asked, giving me a weird look.
"Nothing! I'm not saying you're ugly!" I defended, sitting up slightly.
"Woah, why was that your first defence?" She raised her eyebrows and I sighed.
"I didn't mean anything rude, I promise. I meant to ask why you were so warm." I corrected.
"Oh, I dunno. But if I'm not ugly, what am I?" She climbed higher up me, until she was at my eye level.
"Uh- I... you're Max Mayfield, duh." I chuckled, ignoring my racing heart.
She smiled sarcastically, "I got that part." She said, leaning closer to my ear, "But... what am I?" She whispered, her warm breath sending pleasure shivers down my neck.
I swallowed hard, feeling a weird sensation in my stomach.
She looked at me with and leaned even closer, a smirk growing on her lips as she put a hand on my chest. "Look at you, getting all flustered for me."
"I d-don't know what you're talking about." I said, looking down slightly.
She chuckled, "Oh yeah?" She asked, putting her hand under my chin and lifting it up. "I thought friends don't lie, Jane." She said, sitting on my lap as one of her hands travelled around my neck, the other slowly going up to my shoulder.
"I'm not lying." I answered, my breath hitching as her hand wrapped around my neck like a necklace, adding the tiniest bit of pressure.
"And I'm not gonna kiss you." She replied, the smirk on her face growing as she leaned in.
I closed my eyes as her lips meant mine, warmth filling my body. She tightened her hand around my neck ever so slightly as her other hand went up to the back of my head, buried in my hair.
I put my hands on her waist, moving her closer towards me, so her front was to my front. My hands then moved down to her hips, giving them a gentle squeeze as she hummed.
"El." She whispered, pulling away for only a moment before quickly going in for another kiss, pulling me impossibly closer.
"You're perfect." I said in between our urgent kisses. "So perfect."
After a few minutes she pulled away, looking into my eyes as she fidgeted with her fingers. I could tell she was hesitating in saying something. "What is it?" I asked softly, holding her hands in mine.
"I... I think I love you." She said, looking at me worriedly.
I froze, how could I say I love you back a day before I'm gonna be gone? I have to answer, otherwise she'll think I led her on. And I do love her-
We heard a knock at the door and Max rolled off me, looking at me with sad eyes. She sighed and shuffled away from me, hiding under the blanket.
"I... come in." I said, sitting up straight.
Will walked in with a smile on his face, slowly fading as she saw Max under the blanket. "Is she okay?" He mouthed to me. I nodded and he spoke up. "We've planned to go to the skate park with the older kids, you know, for memories. There's stores around too in case y'all wanna get anything."
I looked at Max as she didn't respond, but I saw her body slightly shaking. I looked back to Will.
"We'll get ready in a minute." I answered as he nodded and gave me a warm smile before shutting the door behind him.
I hesitated for a second but placed a gentle hand on Max as her body stopped shaking. "I'm sorry." I apologised.
"It's fine, I understand." She sniffed.
"Are you crying?" I asked, feeling even worse knowing I was the cause.
"No... maybe."
"Look, I just- I didn't know what to say." I began, "I love you too but-"
"So why couldn't you just that?" She asked sharply.
I sighed, "You know what, you're right. I don't know why I didn't. I love you Max. I'm sorry I didn't say it earlier."
She didn't say anything, so I moved my hand from her, moving it back to my side. "I'm sorry." I repeated quietly.
"Leave me alone." She replied. "It's so obvious you're lying, it's like I don't even know you anymore."
"What? What are you talking about?" I asked.
Max's POV:
I pulled the blanket off me as I glared at her, "Lately, all you've been doing, is lying. Lie after lie, not looking anyone in the eye. What's wrong with you?!" I shouted. I didn't mean to be so harsh, but she's been so secretive. Is it really that bad to just wanna know what's going on?
Hurt flashed in her eyes as she immediately recollected herself. "I don't know." She answered simply, still not meeting my eyes.
"See, you're still doing it! God El, I'm so sick of the secrets everyone's hiding! I've been in a coma for 6 months! So many things have happened and no one's telling me anything! Everyone's changed and I don't know the full story!"
She stood up and had a sad look in her eye, "I need to go." She said.
"No! You're not fucking going before telling me what is going on!" I demanded.
"Why me?" El asked quietly.
"Just tell me!"
"I don't know." She repeated.
"What do you mean, 'you don't know', you were there!"
"You already know the plan we made. When I was killing Vecna, I was basically half dead! I didn't care how he died, I just wanted him to die! I'm not the right person to ask here!" She shouted.
"And the other things?!"
"What other things?"
"The things you told me at the hospital. You said half of it was a lie."
"... that's coz it was." She answered.
"Another lie! When I asked Will about it, he said it was all true! The rumours in school, the bullying, why would you say it was a lie?"
"Because what fucking difference does it make?! What's happened to me, has happened! I get it if you wanna talk to someone about what you went through, but why does everyone think I wanna speak about it? It's not some thing I wanna say for people's entertainment! Every time I get asked about it, I remember more things. Things my own mind hid from me! I relive it all, the sadness, the pain, the fear, all of it! I don't wanna talk about it, ever!" She screamed, tears welling in her eyes as she realised what she said. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout." She said regretfully, reaching a hand out to me.
"Don't touch me." I answered.
"...what?" She asked.
"If you can't understand that you need help- that we all need help, that's actually worrying."
"God Max! Get all the help you want! But you can't expect me to just sit in a room with a complete stranger and tell them what, 'Oh yeah, I killed the big bad monster but also ended up killing half of Hawkins too. Oh, your son died because of me? I'm sorry. One more thing to mention, I have powers and was raised in a lab.' I can't just say shit like that!"
"And that's exactly your problem! Everyone's seen the mind flayer destroy shit, they won't be surprised to know you have powers!"
"And what if they know I'm the reason their best friend is dead or something? You really think they'll just say, 'Oh, that's okay. I forgive you.'? Give me a break."
"What if they know you saved their lives!"
"They won't care! Their lives wouldn't even be in danger if I just let 001 kill me! We wouldn't even be having this conversation if I wasn't so selfish!"
"How is not wanting to be killed selfish?! And if you let him, we would never have met you!"
"And it'd better that way! You'd live your normal lives, all happy and smiling, and I'd be dead along with everyone else in that room. That's how it was meant to go, how it should've gone."
"Well it didn't."
"And look how things turned out. No one cares how many people are happy they met me. I've caused more harm then help, and nothing's ever gonna change that. I'll just constantly have that guilt, thoughts of what I should've done instead of what I did. The voices of those who sacrificed themselves telling me how much of a failure I am. My own Mama wishing she never went to save me."
"That's not normal." I said, tears rolling down my cheeks.
She chuckled, "Yeah, I think we've established the fact that nothing here is normal anymore." She said, opening the door and slamming it shut with her powers.
I laid down, wrapped tightly in El's blankets. I just stayed there for a long while, sobbing. I never should've gotten angry at her, how could I not understand what she was going through?
"Hey, Max?" I heard a voice call from downstairs. "Is anyone home?" The door slowly opened and I saw Will at the door, a sad smile on his face. "You okay?" He asked, sitting down on the bed.
"Where's El?" I asked, wiping my tears.
"She's sitting on the doorstep. I think I know what happened."
"I made her cry, didn't I?" I replied, my voice breaking.
"Hey, it's okay." He said as I sat up. "You two needed to have this conversation." He hugged me and I hugged him back tightly, my head on his shoulder as I sobbed.
"I love her Will."
He chuckled and rubbed my back soothingly. "I thought so. She knows it too, don't worry."
"Yeah? Coz I didn't make her feel pretty loved just then. I just wanted an explanation, and I accused her of lying despite knowing her literal motto." I smiled sadly as I held on to Will even tighter, "She said she can't get help, and it took me so long to understand why."
"We'll get her the help she needs. Don't worry Max. Now, go get ready, and talk to her."
"She won't want to talk to me. She probably hates me now." I said.
"Come on, you know El could never hate you. Steve's coming over to pick us up right now." He answered, pulling away as a small smile remained on his lips. He wiped the rest of my tears away and patted my shoulder. "I'll wait on the sofa."
15 minutes later I was ready, and I went downstairs. Will smiled and stood up, walking out the front door with me before locking the door behind us.
I saw El sitting on the doorsteps, and Will patted my back before walking to the boys, leaving us 2 alone to talk.
I sat beside her and she looked at me for a second, before looking forward again. "I wanted to say, I'm sorry." I began.
"It's okay." She replied.
"It really wasn't. I should've understood what you saying about the help, I understand now. And the lying, I should've trusted you more."
"No, it makes sense. I did lie about half the things being lies." She said.
"That doesn't matter, people always lie, I shouldn't have gotten so angry over it. I just- I was so lost with everything, I just needed to understand one thing. One thing about this whole... situation. Everything had changed so suddenly and I just wasn't ready for it all."
She nodded, "I get it Max. It's okay, really."
Tears welled up in my eyes, "You shouldn't be forgiving me so easily."
El turned to me and concern filled her eyes, "Hey, don't cry." She said softly, cupping my face. "One argument doesn't mean getting rid of years of friendship, okay?"
I nodded, immediately pulling her into a hug. "I love you so much El. I don't ever wanna lose you. When we're older we'll buy our own house, yeah? We'll have a big sofa where we could watch movies, and in the cold winter nights when we sleep, you'll be there to keep me warm."
I heard her sniff, and I held her tighter. "Are you crying?" I asked.
"Just a little. I love you more than anything else. Don't ever forget that, okay?"
"Yeah." I smiled, enjoying her warmth.
We heard tires on the gravel and I looked up to see Steve in the car along with everyone else we invited. I pulled away from El and gave her a smile, giving her a quick kiss before standing up and holding out a hand for her.
She blushed and grabbed my hand, standing up before walking with me to the car. "Hey Steve." She waved.
"Hey El. Here, all of you get in. I'm driving us all to the skatepark." He smiled, putting his sunglasses on.
"Uh... you do notice there's not enough seats right?"
"Some of you sit on each others laps, others on the floor. Just duck down if you see a police car." Nancy said.
I rolled my eyes, "Jonathan, can we just borrow your car?"
"Sure-"
"Who's gonna drive you there?" Steve asked, butting in.
"Me, duh." I answered.
"No way!"
"Steve, they're 15 and 16, it's fine." Robin said.
"Fine. If you die on the way, I'm not going to jail." He replied, putting his hands up.
"Whatever, you know what? We're gonna make it there before you."
Jonathan laughed and chucked me his keys, "See ya there."
I smiled and we ran to the car, quickly getting in. "El, get in the front. You keep an eye on his car."
"I'm DJ." Lucas said, sitting in the middle seat in the back.
We put our seatbelts on and I turned the engine on, pressing down on the accelerator. El laughed as we swerved out the driveway, and the boys shouted at me to slow down.
"They're 2 cars in front." El said as I switched lanes. "Make sure not to speed near the cameras."
I nodded, and pressed on the indicator, overtaking Steve. I looked in the side mirror and laughed. "Now we just gotta get there."
"Wait, there's a shortcut. Slow down and take a left... there." El said, pointing to another street.
I turned and Lucas screamed, falling onto Dustin's lap. El turned to look at him and laughed.
The road was bumpy, but once I turned right I realised we were there. I parked and we got out, seeing Steve arrive just a minute later.
"We win!" I cheered, locking the car.
———
El's POV:
I managed to say goodbye to all the older kids in different kinds of way. I gave Robin one of my vinyls she loved, brought Nancy a necklace with a little locket so she could put a picture of someone she loves in there. I got a camera for Jonathan so he could get back into it if he'd like, and I brought Steve a metal bat, just for jokes.
I managed to also give them all hugs, Nancy's reaction was funny. I'll miss them.
———
That night, the party stayed in Mike's basement, while the older kids hung out upstairs. We decided to make eggo extravaganzas, which I was glad about. I put whip cream and syrup on mine, but Dustin put gummies all over his, which he ended up regretting since he felt sick after taking the first bite.
We all slept on the floor, not bothering to argue over who gets the sofa. Max rested her head on my shoulder, and we talked quietly between each other until she fell asleep.
I stayed up for a bit longer, really taking in the fact that this is my last night alive.
Max's POV:
I woke up in Mike's basement, but I didn't feel El's body beneath me. I groaned and looked up, my eyes widening at El sitting there, blood running down her arms.
"El?!" I asked, scrambling up. "What happened?!"
She didn't respond, and instead just looked at me with teary eyes. "I told you I'm gonna go." She replied.
"What does that mean?!" I asked frantically, getting a napkin off the table and wiping her arms.
"I'm going to my Mama."
My heart dropped and I looked at her. "...what?"
She smiled, "Thank you for being my best friend."
"What are you saying El?! You're just gonna ignore what you just said?!"
She cupped my face, "It's gonna be okay. We'll see each other in another life."
"What are you saying?" I repeated, tears rolling down my cheeks.
"I'm giving up." She sighed, "It'll be better this way."
"Don't you dare." I said, realising what she was saying. "You're not leaving me."
She gave me a sad smile, pressing a soft kiss to my lips. I kissed back and she pulled away a few seconds later. "I love you."
"If you love me, why are you leaving?!" I asked.
She moved her hands from my face to my shoulders, her strong hands keeping me grounded as I sobbed. "I'm sorry."
"It doesn't have to be like this. We'll get you the help you need, we're here for you El. You're gonna get through this."
She leaned forward and rested her forehead against mine. "We both know that isn't true. Thank you for everything."
"El!" I screamed as she faded into the air. "El!"
I gasped and sat up, frantically looking around. I felt a hand on my waist, and I looked down to see El looking at me, confused. "Are you okay?" She asked.
Oh thank god, it was only a dream.
Relief flood through me and I nodded, a smile creeping onto my lips. "Just a nightmare." I mumbled, lying back down.
She wrapped her arms around me, holding me close against her. "Wanna talk about it?" She asked quietly. I shook my head, instead snuggling further into her neck. She understood and moved one of her hands to my hair, running her hands though it softly as she rested her head on mine. "I love you."
I smiled, "I love you too."
———
The next morning, I woke up earlier than everyone else. I slowly moved my hands from her hair and back, carefully lifting her off me and her head onto a pillow. She stirred but didn't wake up, so I stood up and silently went into the living room.
After getting bored doing nothing, I decided to just go home so I could shower and wear my own clothes.
An hour or so passed and suddenly my phone was getting spammed with calls from the party.
I picked up Will's and put it to my ear. "What's up?" I asked.
"Uh, maybe the fact you left us!" He answered.
I smiled, "I just wanted to get changed."
I heard the phone move and Lucas spoke into it next. "We're going to Max's. Wanna come?"
"Nah, I need to do something at home."
"Alright. I'm pretty sure we're all sleeping over at yours tonight anyway."
"Okay. See you later." I said, hanging up before sitting at my desk, head on the table.
What the hell do you write when you wanna explain why you're not gonna be there in the morning? Bye? No. Ugh, I'll figure it out.
———
It must've been around 7 pm when I had finished the letters, and I folded each of them up, putting them in an old shoebox for them to find later.
I left the box on my desk before standing up and walking towards the door. I took one last look at my room, sighing, before heading downstairs and out the front door.
On the way to the junkyard, I felt a drop on my hand. I realised it was about to rain, but I didn't really care. Unfortunately the rain got heavier, but I managed to make it either way. I saw the bus we had hidden in all those years ago, I saw the sheet of metal I threw Lucas in.
I climbed up the stairs of an old office building nearby, sitting atop the roof. I hadn't brought any drugs, they were all medicinal ones Joyce had worked hard to pay for.
As I looked down onto the town, reality hit me. I was really about to disappear, once and for all. I didn't want it to end this way, but I can't live with the guilt anymore. I can't live with the trauma, I can't deal with the anxiety attacks, I can't see myself slowly go insane.
My thoughts were interrupted by vibrations in my pocket, and I pulled my phone out to see Max calling me.
I hesitated for a second but decided to answer. "El! Where are you? Have you seen the fucking rain?!" She shouted.
Tears filled my eyes, realising this was the last time I'd ever hear her voice. "I'm sorry." I sobbed.
"What? Don't worry, we'll come pick you up if we have to. Where are you?" She asked.
"I'm so sorry Max. I tried to hide it from you all."
"Hide what? We're getting into the Jonathan's car now, El. Just tell me where you are and I'll be there."
"It's too late." I answered, and I knew she was panicking now.
"Just wait, please! Where are you?!" She shouted into the phone, I heard the car door slam.
"I love you." I cried, the rain mixing with my tears.
"I'm coming El, just tell me where you are. Please don't do it, I'm here okay?"
"I'm so sorry." I said, hanging up.
I looked up into the sky as Max called me back many times, texting me at the same time. "Why did you do this to me?" I asked the stars, "What did I do? All I ever wanted was to be normal. Is it really that hard?"
They just twinkled in response, I knew they weren't listening. Why would they?
I looked down again, the street lights twinkling just like the stars. I took a deep breath, and looked at my phone once more, seeing Max's name on the screen. "I love you." I whispered, taking that final push into surrender.
———
Max's POV:
Why isn't she picking up?! Fuck fuck fuck fuck, where is she?!
I got into the car and sped off, ignoring the boys questions. I took a sharp turn into the one spot I thought she might be at, and their screams filled my ears. "Shut the fuck up!" I shouted, speeding up even more.
Once we reached the junkyard, I stopped the car as abruptly as I could without sending us flying through the windshield. As soon as we stopped, I got out the car and rushed around, looking for El.
"El!" I screamed, "Are you here?!"
I was about to give up until I saw an abandoned building in the corner of my eye. She's probably hiding in there, taking shelter from the heavy rain.
I went to the building, looking for a way in. As I turned the corner, my heart dropped.
Horror filled my senses and I ran to the body on the floor. I rolled them over and screamed as I saw the face. "El!"
I couldn't stop the tears from forming. The disbelief and sickness filling me, while I just felt... numb. It was like my insides had been pulled out and I wanted to throw up so bad. Not at the sight of her, but just at the fact it was her.
There, in front of me on the ground, lifeless and unmoving. Her chest, which once rose and fell with each calm breath, still, silent.
"No... oh no-no." I whispered, my voice breaking as I fell to my knees, dropping the car keys on the wet grass beside me. "El?" I asked, placing a hand upon the side of her face, my heart breaking more than I thought possible as I stared into her barren and desolate eyes.
Eyes that were filled with such kindness and love just a few hours ago.
I didn't care about the boy's screams as they finally found us. I didn't care about anything other than El.
"El." I repeated, shaking her shoulders. "El, come on. Come on, get up-"
"She's gone Max." Dustin sniffed, putting his hand on my shoulder.
I shrugged him off as I turned back to her. "No..." I sobbed quietly, leaning over her body. "Please El- Ellie please, wake up. Eleven wake up!"
Will stuttered, "She's d-dead?" He immediately called Joyce. "Mum, El- she's... she's dead." He announced shakily, the finality of it all tipping me over the edge.
I couldn't hold it in anymore, my tears falling onto her pretty face as I took her into my arms, sheltering her from the rain. The boys all stood around us, crying heavily as I felt nothing but pure despair in my heart.
The lump in my throat burned, and my eyes stung as I closed them, holding El close to me the same as she did to me last night. I slowly opened them, looking at El once more before reaching out a shaking hand towards her face, closing her eyes for the last time.
My heart shattered and I knew then and there, there'd always be a piece only El could pick up. A piece of me that would be missing forever.
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