A week later
A week passed and we went back to normal. Or at least the new normal. After I asked Carlos to accept Nathan's help he finally took the papers and called him. Tomorrow he will go visit Nico and hopefully, this madness will end.
I knew when I asked him to do this for me that I was doing it completely out of selfishness. That I was doing something wrong and that I had no right to ask. He didn't want to do it and if he is now it's only because of me. And I feel guilty of course I do but I won't lie, the majority of that guilt isn't for the fact of doing it but for knowing that if I could go back I wouldn't change a thing.
Or new normal (that's what I call it even though there's nothing normal about it, I just like to trick myself into believing that our relationship hasn't changed) includes having dinner together every night after he finishes working. He has been doing it none stop, as he used to do before but these last few days were different, Rick came over almost every other day. And then Carlos would tell me about his day but he would barely even mention his meetings with Rick. It's not that details were vague, we talked for a while but it felt more like broadcasting the news to a small audience than a conversation between what's supposed to be a couple.
Did I expect everything to go back to being as good as it was in the beginning? Of course not. Not after everything that has happened but I didn't think it would be this bad.
It almost feels as if we turned into the kind of strangers that always find each other at the same metro line or bus stop. That ones you know but in reality don't know. The ones you exchange some words with, words that barely have any meaning, and then one exits the train or gets into the bus ending conversation to the repeat the same thing the next day.
That's how we work right now and I didn't know how much it could hurt until it happened.
Or how badly I would blame myself for it.
"Do you resent me?" I ask him suddenly and he drops his fork into the plate, slowly but still causing it to clank against the white expensive porcelain.
We finished our news repertory ten minutes ago and since then we have been eating dinner in silence. And yeah, breaking it with this question was probably the worst way possible but I had to know and I have learned that with Carlos you either go all in or do nothing.
"What?" He replies with another question. His eyes look straight through mine as he finishes swallowing the shrimp pasta bite he had just taken.
"For asking you to do this for me, do you resent me?" I don't let it go, needing to know.
I hadn't asked him until now how he felt about me asking him to accept Nathan's help, I like to say it's because he never brought it up but in reality, it was because I was too scared to know the answer.
I'm not anymore.
"Do we really have to talk about this right now?" He takes his fork once again.
"For the last few days, we haven't talked about anything more than business and your physical therapy sessions. Is it that bad that I want to talk about the way we are feeling?" That sounds a lot colder than I wanted it to sound like but it's the only way I could think of putting it.
"I thought we were okay." He simply says his gaze still on me. "That you had forgiven me."
"That's the issue, I did forgive you but we are obviously not okay, it's clear something is going on and it can't be a coincidence that it's after what I asked you to do so if you resent me I will understand but I need to know how you are feeling about it."
"I did what you told me to do. Isn't that enough?" He leaves the fork down once again.
"So you do resent me," I state trying to figure out if he does or not.
"I don't understand why any of this is necessary."
"We are going back to what we promised we wouldn't go back to. We are drifting away, barely talking or seeing each other and I think this time it's my fault so I need to know if you resent me." I repeat once again hoping this will help him understand.
He just looks at me in silence and for the first time in forever, I can't tell a thing about what he might be thinking. His stare is almost blank, giving nothing away. Not even the smallest of details.
"I knew that day could come, that maybe someday you would ask me to do that for you. And no I didn't like it but I expected it Mia. I knew it could happen." He finally says his voice as cold as ice but still not answering my question.
He is hiding, he is hiding behind his words.
"You are evading my question, you are hiding, Carlos," I say softly looking straight into his blue eyes.
"I can't believe we are doing this. What do you want me to say? That I resent you for asking me to do the one thing I promised myself I would never do. You want me to tell you that I resent you because for the last few days I have been trying to convince myself that I'm not a piece of shit that has betrayed everything he ever was. That I resent you for making me work with the man who put my brother in fucking jail? Is that what you want me to say?" He doesn't elevate his voice, not even a little but to me, it feels as if he were shouting.
"Yes, that's what I want," I mutter and his reaction takes me totally off guard. Because instead of getting up and leaving, instead of huffing and calling me crazy he just laughs.
He laughs. A short low chuckle accompanied by his head tilting backwards.
"Sabes Mia, no puedo decirte eso porque no sería cierto. Nunca podría decirte que te tengo rencor y sabes por qué no? Porque haría cualquier cosa por ti." He says looking directly into my eyes, so intensively that I can barely breathe. "Si me pidieses que the diese mi casa, mi coche, todo lo que tengo te lo daría en un segundo. Si me pidieses que matara a alguien por ti buscaría a esa persona y lo haría, joder si me pidieses que diera mi vida por la tuya no tendría ni que pensármelo dos veces. Responde eso tu pregunta o sigo puto escondiéndome?" Now he did elevate his tone and my heart beats faster than I ever thought it could. (Well Mia, I can't tell you that because it would be a lie, I could never resent you for asking me to do something like that and you know why? Because I would do anything for you. If you asked me to give you my house, my car, everything I own I would give it to you in a second. If you asked me to kill someone for you I would find that person and get it done, hell if you asked me to give my life for yours I wouldn't even have to think about it twice. Does that answer your question or I'm I still fucking hiding?)
I stare at him, my whole body tense. I have no words.
"I- I don't know what to say," I whisper still in shock at his angry confession.
"It's okay, I didn't expect you to say anything in return. You wanted to know and now you know, that's all that matters. The only person I resent is myself." He replies standing up from the dinner table and taking both our plates into the sink as if he hadn't just confessed he would die and kill for me.
God, he said he would die for me.
"Carlos I- I just-"
"You don't have to tell me anything I don't expect you to feel the same way about me. In fact, I hope you don't. I would never let you give your life for mine. That would be such a fucking waste." He isn't joking but the way he says it so casually makes it look as if he were.
I have never been so confused in my life. He went from not talking to me to confessing his truest rawest feelings. And suddenly it feels as if it all had a double meaning, as if he were actually still hiding behind those words.
Something is wrong.
"What are you going to do?" I ask following right behind him as he walks to his room.
"What are you talking about?" He asks sounding confused but not turning to look my way.
"Tomorrow, what are you going to do tomorrow? Are you really going to see Nico?" I try again following my gut.
And with that he finally turns around, walking in my direction.
"Are you serious?" He spits out all the easiness in his voice now gone.
"You are planning something. I know you are this doesn't make any sense." I say going back through everything he said inside my head to try and figure out what exactly is going on.
"I confess how much I care about you but and you think it's only because I'm hiding something?" He acts hurt but he doesn't look hurt.
"Tell me what you are planning, you said no lies so tell me. Tell me now Carlos, before it is too late." I dig my finger into his chest as if that would do anything.
"Stop this. There's nothing to tell." He puts his hand over mine and slowly removes it from his chest. "It's late, you should go to sleep."
"You are scaring me. I know you, I know something is going on and I'm asking you to tell me. You said you would do anything for me then tell me." Yes, I go that low. I use his confession against him. "I can't do this again I need you to tell me. You have to tell me." I beg trying to fight back my tears.
"If I tell you, you will ask me not to do it and I would listen to you." He finally says and my whole body starts shaking.
"Then you know it's a bad idea so tell me so I can ask you not to do it." I breathe in trying my best not to lose my shit.
I can see he is having a battle with himself and I fear for a second I might be on the losing team but thankfully he doesn't walk away, he answers.
"I told Nathan I needed alone time with Nico, proper time." He replies vaguely but for some reason, it all adds up inside my head.
Rick visiting us and then them working inside his office for hours, the constant talk about the business that never included anything related to their meetings to him slowly pulling away and now confessing this as if he were about to disappear, him needing time with Nico.
"If you asked Nathan to get you inside that prison as an actual inmate I might actually fucking kill you." I would never do that but oh do I want to right now.
"Mia..." he whispers my name.
And then I know.
"Oh my god, you did."
Author's note
As always if you are here ty for reading and don't forget to vote and comment your thoughts!
This chapter didn't go the way I wanted like this wasn't on my list of stuff that was supposed to happen lol but I was going crazy trying to make some stuff make sense so I needed something like this lol. Let's see if I don't mess it up.
Their relationship is getting difficult and it's honestly so hard to write but I hope it makes sense and that you all understand why this is happening. I promise this is going somewhere but my head is a mess full of ideas.
I took a while to update I know I promise next chapter won't take that long but I had uni stuff to do.
Love,
Maria