man i'm so mentally exhausted rn but i wanna write cs i love all of u thank u for the comments and reads 🫶🫶 you all mean so much to me it always makes me smile when i read ur cmmts (:
this chapter is gonna be a bit more sad than what i usually write. im kinda tired this week so my humor is running a little dry LMFAOO its okay next week will be a FULL COMEDY
this chapter isn't rlly plot essential it's just reader reflecting on their relationships so far and a little danheng bit at the end but next week i will feed u sm danheng content
danheng and i are back at march's office for this week. i love you march <3
this session, i find danheng to be a little bit more affectionate. he is holding onto my hand and interlacing his fingers with mine as we sit on the couch across from march. when i tell you i almost had a heart attack...
the reality in me knows that he's doing this for show, to continue dragging this game out for as long as possible, but a part of me really hopes that he's doing this for the sake of being loving.
but willpower can't change much.
danheng is a very strategic and logical person. to have went along with my strange publicity stunt so easily was already an out of character move from him.
perhaps he just really wants to fulfill my happiness since he is always so thoughtful of me. i've known him since forever so we've been especially close.
forever? no, not really, but with how close we are it did feel like i've known him my entire life. i met him back in high school with our common overlap of classes.
i've always felt a bit alienated from the rest, as if my mind worked and acted differently from what others have shown, and for that i've been especially distant with most people.
there was something about him that was so gravitational, or maybe calming to my mind. upon his presence i wasn't scared to be myself, and for the first time in awhile, i felt that i actually belonged to something. that my need and drive for acceptance had finally found its destination.
asphodel had something similar. an energy of acceptance and a free spirit. but the real motivation for their qualities was because they were genuinely insane.
i first really appreciated them, because i only questioned during that time, could i ever be loved? could anyone truly host such pure feelings towards me, someone so detached from reality and out of tune with others?
asphodel loved me in a way that no one else really did, and that was the issue. they loved me far too much to a point of insanity.
damn bro, that's crazy.
it's okay though. even if danheng only remained my friend for the rest of my life, i will have learned from him that i am capable of being loved.
i realize that danheng knows me a lot more than himeko, though himeko has been with me for longer.
i love himeko a lot. she's been with me since elementary and we basically grew up with each other, and she's generally just always been there for me. i would like to trust her with all my heart and mind if i could, i really would and i know she would provide such a great space to me, but there's just something holding me back and i've never felt more guilty for it.
himeko has never done anything wrong to me. i think she's a really great person and i appreciate that i have her in my life. its something strange with my subconscious soul that decides to shut itself off for everyone, but with the innate exception of danheng.
maybe it had to do with his generally calm and composed nature and his innate ability to listen, free of judgment and tender words, or maybe his soul leans towards mine as well.
and maybe we're actually meant for each other and we were created to be this mathematically compatible and sentimentally attached.
i could only hope.
"sampo? who the HELL is sampo?" march tilts her head to the side and crosses her arms. "i know i have like a high regard to patient confidentiality but i literally and genuinely have no idea who this sampo fucker is. you said he found out you're dating?"
for the most part while i was in my thoughts, danheng would speak for me about our shared concerns. we had expected that sampo was another patient of march's and perhaps she let something slip, but i see now that it wouldn't make sense due to her rule for confidentiality in the first place.
though, she is a little silly and a bit unprofessional. its okay because she's cute.
danheng holds the leaf pillow closer to his chest. me next please. "yes, and if not through you, we aren't sure how he found out. but it led some chain of events and now about everyone on campus knows. i just find it strange how he was able to access such information."
march laughs a bit and rests her arms on her lap. "maybe because its really obvious to other people. you know, like couples that think their being so slick but they're actually really bad at hiding it?" she suggests in a teasing manner. "but whatever it is has already been achieved. does it bother you? for people to know?"
i think about it for awhile and the room falls into a quick silence. i'm not embarrassed to be seen with danheng, in fact, if anything i fear it'd be the opposite.
but it just gave me some more stress that we'd have to pretend to date in front of a much more keen audience now. or i'm scared it'd make danheng uncomfortable or me more confused about how to approach my feelings towards him. i'm not sure.
danheng's greyish eyes meet with mine briefly before looking away. he holds my hand tighter and this time, i respond.
"a lot of college students have an strange perspective on couples. i think, for me personally, its the stress of having to prove our authenticity so people won't be so insane about it, if that makes sense." it's not exactly the truth but it's not completely a lie either. it will suffice.
march nods, processing my words and thinking of a response.
she prompts the question, "but you love each other, right?"
danheng and i are quick to answer yes, but i know that i'm the one really waiting for him to reciprocate.
i've always been.
"you can't really gain self-fulfillment from the approval of others. theres not really a point in having to seek their perspective if you two already know that you love each other."
she would be right if danheng and i were real.
.
.
time skip
(and also a reminder that you're more than enough. oftentimes we're so caught up in our own flaws that we never celebrate the good in us, but we all have it)
.
.
"y/n, are you alright?" danheng's gentle voice calls from his side of the dorm. he continues, "i noticed you were quieter today, i just want to make sure everything's alright."
i face my wall with my weighted blanket over my nose. "yeah. i'm just tired," i give a bland response. "i've just been thinking about a lot. i'm okay though." i just didn't want him to know about my infatuation with him.
"i can't really sleep. can i listen to you speak about them?"
without thinking much, i just say, "yes, please do." i couldn't really ever reject anything from him.
i hear some shuffling from his side and his light footsteps walking the couple feet separating us, and his breathing presence leaning against my bedside. we were both facing away from each other but i've never felt more at peace.
i'm not sure what to tell him, so i follow what my heart wants to say.
"its random, but i've only ever wanted to be accepted growing up," i begin. "i've always found it hard for some reason. to resonate with my environment. to feel comfortable around people. you're the only person i could ever truly be myself around. you're honestly so perfect and i don't know how i was able to be this close to you.
if this thing ever intervenes with your life or anything, just tell me and we'll call it off, okay? i don't want to interrupt your life."
he says something that i can't quite understand. "if its my love life you're worried about, its doing well. i promise it's fine, y/n."
my heart kind of drops at the mention of it, but i can't show that i'm affected or he'll know about my crush on him. then what? would he remove himself from me? no, he's too nice to do that. it'd just be really awkward perhaps on just my end.
"oh. they must be such a wonderful person, the one that you like," i respond vaguely. i cannot feign any joy in my voice for him.
"they are. they're a very thoughtful and humorous person. i enjoy their presence a lot," his soothing voice speaks lowly as he continues to describe them. there's something about the way he speaks in which i can tell that he is truly in love with such a person.
it makes me a bit sad.
"what's their name?" my curiosity piques.
but instead of an answer, he just yawns and stands up. "i'm getting tired now, i think you should get some sleep as well. goodnight, y/n."
his tender, nimble fingers guide my chin to face him and he plants a kiss on my forehead.
"sweet dreams."
help i wrote this at 4-5am and i was lit so tired, it's 1600 words but it lowkey feels so short rereading it
i love ygs thank u so much for 2k <3 the votes and comments are sososo amazing (:
until then stay safeeee i love all you sm 💞💞