chapter three
38th and 6th
WHIST Lucy was with Taylor, Gracie was with Aaron. The two had just gotten started writing songs for Gracie's upcoming album, Good Riddance. So far, the lyrics they had written down were fairly sad, but what can you do when that's all you think about. The reason for this was her relationship with her boyfriend, Bennet. He had recently been distant and had to interest in seeing her, which had her confused. Bennet was always the sweetest boy that Gracie had known for quite a while. He would never do anything to hurt her. However, she had been thinking about Lucy's words to her that morning. Deep down she knew that Bennet was causing more harm to her mental health than good.
Gracie was pulled away from her thoughts when a voice called her name. "Gracie, what are you thinking about this song," Aaron asked, handing her a piece of paper with her own handwriting on it. The paper read, "Thinking of you without any forgiveness. Because I was the one who would stay up and call you. And I'd drive to your house for the shit that you went through."
Gracie read the paper and sighed. She couldn't deal with this boyfriend bullshit anymore. As much as she loved him, she needed a break. Or someone new.
Aaron was quick to read Gracie's facial expressions. "You wanna break up with him," he stated, knowing what Gracie was thinking about.
Gracie sighed and put the paper down. "I don't want to do, but I think I have to. I mean, he hasn't talked to me in- I don't know? Three days?" She threw her head back just thinking about it.
"Okay, well I think a breakup might need to happen. As depressing as it is, happier and more free feelings are to come which could make brighter song lyrics."
Gracie thought about what Aaron said and tilted her head. Hm, not so bad, she thought. "Actually, there is someone or something I want to write about. It's kind of a feeling, but a person too," Gracie informed, getting something off her chest.
"Okay, shoot," Aaron replied, scrambling to get a pad of paper and a pen as quick as he could. Gracie tended to speak fast when it came to feelings, so writing this down was something you had to be swift about.
Gracie nervously played with the ring on her right hand before taking a deep breath. "So, I'm just gonna give you a list of feelings: stress, guilt, confusion, love, anger, and depression."
Aaron was taken aback. "Alright. We can definitely work with this," he confirmed, writing down the feelings as Gracie continued to ramble.
"I'm just so confused and I can't put my finger on it. Something has changed recently and I just don't know what it is. I feel like I've been acting different around certain people and I can't help myself. Sometimes, I come off as meaner than I'd like to, but I guess internally, I am mad. Sometimes, I act flirty around people I don't like and I'm literally dating someone, so am I cheating? I don't know, but something is wrong and I've talked to my therapist about it and she suggested something that might be going on, but she's obviously wrong because that would be insane. Like another reality insane-"
"Breathe," Aaron said, cutting Gracie off with a chuckle, which Gracie returned awkwardly. "Are we name dropping? Cover name?"
"Absolutely not to the name drop. I've been thinking of names and I wanna do one that has no relation to this person's name at all," Gracie admitted. She was nervous to write this song, let alone release whatever it became. This was something sensitive to her. She didn't know what she was feeling, but it was something like never before.
"Okay, what's the actual name," Aaron asked, looking down at the paper he had written on.
Gracie paused. She didn't think Aaron would ask who she planned to write about. Obviously she couldn't tell him because she didn't want it to become a thing since Aaron knew Lucy fairly well. "Uh- I can't say. It's um-" she faltered. "Let's just go with Amelie for now."
"A girl? That's new," Aaron said. This caused Gracie to let her head drop into her hands. "Hey. No. I didn't mean to make you upset. A girl a boy, it doesn't matter."
All of this was too much for Gracie and she let salty tears roll down her cheeks. "Do you- do you mind if I uh go to the bathroom really quick," Gracie asked trying to hide her face.
"Yeah, yeah of course. Let me know if you need anything." Aaron was very nervous about upsetting Gracie. Of course he knew where he went wrong, but didn't know how to fix it. His words weren't meant to come out that way or in that tone, he was simply trying to state that it was something new for Gracie's music and lyrics.
He took deep breaths as he heard silenced sobs coming from the bathroom a few feet away from him. I should call someone, he thought. He looked down at the table and amongst all of the crumpled papers and pens, he found Gracie's phone. He used Siri to call someone he knew would pick up. Lucy.
Aaron heard the line crackle on the other end as Lucy shuffled to answer the phone. "Hey. What's up?" he heard the sweet voice of Lucy speak. The two continued to talk to each other while Gracie tried to even out her breathing just as Lucy would help her with.
Gracie would have panic attacks most every other week about something different each time. Although she was on medication, it didn't always work. Instead of medication, she would turn to her best friend, Lucy who she didn't have in that moment.
"I want Lucy," she mumbled to herself with tears spreading down her cheeks. Her legs were shaking as she leaned up against the door on the ground. At this point, she had to stop writing for the day. She wanted to go home. Maybe talk to her boyfriend for once if he even cared.
This wish of hers came true within seconds. "Gracie? It's Lucy. What's going on?" "Lucy," she mumbled again. She wanted the help, of course, but she couldn't tell Lucy what her problem was. Lucy is a people pleaser; she always wanted to help so when Gracie wouldn't tell her what's wrong, she was always start to feel upset with herself. Gracie didn't want her to feel this way, and she couldn't fix it, but she also couldn't tell this odd secret of hers.
"Did you take your medication today?" she heard Lucy's voice speak to her. She was snapped out of her trance and realized that she was heavily crying. She wiped her tears and responded as fast as she could.
"N-no," she replied with a shaky voice. God why couldn't she keep herself together to respond to a simple question. However, she could practically hear Lucy nod her head over the phone.
"Breathe slowly. You're okay. Let's count to 5 together, okay? You start," Lucy stated. The counting to five was something that the two had just starting using for Gracie's panic attacks. Gracie found it challenging, but Lucy felt that the challenge was necessary.
Gracie took a deep breath trying to pull herself together, as she felt embarrassed that this was happening with Aaron on the other side of the door. She tried to keep herself from doing this in front of people she should be at least slightly professional with.
"Um," Gracie started with an unsteady voice, "One." She could feel Lucy's smile without even seeing it. She was already starting to feel a little better, but that went away fast. No, she can't feel that way. No.
Lucy nodded. "Yes. That's good. One."
After they had passed the number 2, there was a moment of silence. Lucy wondering what's going on, and Gracie thinking the same. Lucy spoke up. "Breathe, Cici. You're alright. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."
This seemed to calm the brunette's nerves a little as her heart beat started to even out. With another moment of concerning silence, Aaron spoke.
"Three. Come on, G. Three," he supported. He wanted to make Gracie comfortable, he didn't want to be the cause of her panic attack; he would be beyond upset with himself.
"Three. Four," Gracie breathed out lightly, but quickly. She wanted it to be over. She wanted it all to be over. She knew the feeling wouldn't go away. All she could do was hope.
Lucy smiled and praised her best friend. "So good. One more. Together."
"Five," the two said at the same time.
Lucy sighed in relief on the other end. "Are you alright? Do we need to try something else?" Gracie smiled at Lucy's concern for her.
"I'm okay," she replied with a tiresome voice. She threw her head back and sighed as she played with the ring on her finger. She then moved to tracing her familiar tattoos; a habit of hers.
"You're sure? I'll take all the time you need to do another exercise," Lucy rambled whilst pouring her drink into her mouth. "We could do that box breathing thing-"
"Luce," Gracie started, "I'm okay. Thank you," she responded with a small smile spread across her face.
Gracie stood up from the ground to look at herself in the mirror. Her cheeks were red, as well as her eyes. A bit of that eyeliner Lucy put on her was running. As she was staring at herself, she remembered that she wasn't alone in the comfort of her own home, she was writing music with a very important man that she looked up to. She ran her hands through her hair and fixed her makeup with a wash cloth. She opened the bathroom door and looked at her feet as she spoke.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt our writing. We can go back to it now-"
Aaron was quick to cut her off, shaking his head. "You should rest. And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hit a nerve, but please, go home. You need it," he said, placing a hand delicately on Gracie's shoulder.
Gracie nodded with a smile. "This will make a good song," she told Aaron with a slight chuckle. Aaron laughed and walked her to her car, making sure she was safe.
Gracie sat in the car with her hands on the wheel for around 10 minutes. If she acted on this, the relationship they had formed could be thrown out the window. She couldn't lose her. She couldn't tell her family, her friends. What if the media found out? Lucy could hate her. No she couldn't. There's no way, but she knew this feeling wouldn't vanish even if she buried it deep.
She jumped when her phone started to ring. She took a deep breath before picking it up to see who was calling.
Ben ❤️ Callling
Decline Accept
She let her finger hover over the accept button before actually pressing it. There was a crackle on the other end.
"Hey, Gracie. I'm walking on 38th and 6th and I'm passing the coffee shop. You want anything?" Bennet asked as Gracie could hear the wind of him being outside. Anger rose in her. He didn't talk to her for a week and now he's calling to ask if she wants coffee like nothing has changed? Everything has changed.
"Seriously, Bennet? You don't talk to me for a week, you decline my calls, and don't answer my texts and now you're asking if I want fucking coffee?!" She was scratching her finger so hard it could've drawn blood. It was like she only saw red.
"Come on, dude. I was just busy. You know I would've called if you needed me," Bennet replied to the attack from his girlfriend. He had no shame. How could he when he didn't see the wrong in his actions?
"Don't call me 'dude'. And I did need you. I texted you a million times! You couldn't take one minute to answer a text?" The relationship was fading quickly. He didn't care about her. She cared for him too much. He was losing her.
"Baby, don't be upset. I'll come to you right now. Where are you?" He asked in hopes of restoring the broken feelings. Their relationship was now like crumpled piece of paper that couldn't be put back together.
"No. This has happened to much and I'm so tired of it. You think you can just kiss the problem away. I'm not dumb, Ben. I know you don't care," Gracie scolded with a trembling lip and a tear running down her pink cheek.
"So, what? You're breaking up with me?" he asked, seeming to be stopped in his tracks. He couldn't fuck with her anymore.
"Yep. I'm done with your awful attitude and your lack of being present in my life. You're officially my worst boyfriend. Well, ex boyfriend," Gracie said, which probably smothered Bennet whole, before ending the call.
She broke down and put her head in her hands. Her heart was beating unbelievably fast and her hands were shaking. She felt as if there was a thick rope tied around her chest as she clawed at it, trying to unravel it. She ripped off her sweatshirt, leaving her in just a bra, as she felt a drop of sweat fall down onto her forehead. She shakily opened her water bottle, grabbing an ice cube to put behind her ear; something her mom had always told her to do. She started to feel cooler and allowed herself to breathe as normal as possible. She then closed her eyes and leaned back into her seat. All that was on her mind now was Lucy. She cried as she tried to force her out of her head.
"Go away!" she yelled as she threw her head into her hands, yet again.
After she managed to calm down again, she let out a small sigh and a, "Shit."
hey. this took me a concerning amount of time to write. i went to 2 taylor concerts so i was kinda having pcd 😍 this was a sad chapter. sorry! 🤷♀️ but I saw Gracie at both concerts and Phoebe at both. I died. I GOT FALSE GOD AND NO I WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. pls keep commenting it keeps me writing cause I can't wait to read the comments.