For the next few days, I spent more time in Kevin's house than in mine.
The morning after my father and I had the fight he left me the usual note we do when we need to apologise.
It said:
Mine is just a normal parental worry. You can't blame me for wanting you to be fine and safe.
I know you keep saying you're, but you don't see yourself the same way I do.
I just hope whatever you're dealing with, it will pass and get better.
When I read it, I was sitting at the table and I little sight had left my mouth because I felt so sorry about what I'd said to him. It's not right. He is my father and he has all the right to know what's going on in my life. I still live with him, I am his responsibility and he only wants to be sure I am not coming back home in an ambulance or finding me in one of his hospital's rooms.
I wrote back:
Believe me when I say I am fine.
I know I may look like something wrong is going on, but it isn't. Everybody has their down and up. I am eating, less but still eating.
And it's not about mom.
I almost forgot about Mom's death anniversary and I would've rather done that. It's never been an easy moment remembering her leaving us. Usually, I go to her grave and talk with her, telling her what happen between the last time I saw her and now. But this time things are different and if I go there, Kevin'll come too and I don't want to. It's a private and deep moment between her and me. And even if he would stay far away, I don't want him to see me crying, knowing how he would care and react.
I think about all of this while I am sitting on Kevin's living room floor, with my head pointing an unsure point and my hand in the air, holding a pen. I was writing down the question to ask Daniele, the PI, when I suddenly isolated myself from the reality of it, to push my focus on my mom.
A hand waves ahead of my face. «Earth calls Enede,» Kevin names me.
I shoot my head and face his gaze. «What?» I ask like he has told me something but he probably is ensuring I am fine.
«You just zoomed out,» he comments while he sits right in front of me, on the floor and handing me a sandwich.
I have been here since early morning. We talked about a lot of stuff, not just the plan. Actually, we didn't talk a little about it. I need to talk first with Daniele, so I will know everything we need to do to make sure our plan works.
I shake my head in the food direction. «I'm not hungry,» I decline his offer before turning my head back to the questions list.
I know he is observing me. I haven't had breakfast and now I am refusing lunch, or whatever this is. «Eat,» he obeys me while keep pushing the dish under my nose.
I only raise my eyes to meet his. «I don't want to.»
«You didn't eat breakfast and now you aren't eating this. You need to put something in your stomach so your mind can work well.»
I put down the pen with a dry act and dart my seethe gaze at him. «I hate when people tell me what to do, mostly when I have already said no.»
Kevin inches towards me. «You need to eat.» His voice is gentle and his eyes are begging me to eat that freaking sandwich. Not because he wants to see me do what he asks, but because he wants me to stay healthy and maybe I need to follow his mind. Even if I don't feel in the mood for food, I know my body needs it so can just hear what it needs and not let my mind control me.
I sigh and take the food, before lingering my eyes on Kevin's. «Okay, but stop trying to do my dad's job. He is already a pain in the neck I don't need two of him.»
«I won't if I don't need to.» He winks at me before craning his head at my list of questions. «They are a lot,» he comments while reading some of them.
I take a bite of the sandwich before shrugging. «I want to be sure about everything. If you have any other questions just drop them, and I will write them down,» I suggest to him while nodding towards the pen.
As I have the first bite, suddenly the hunger starts and my stomach responds very well to the food entering my body. It feels relieved and I only now realise how dramatic my mind can be sometimes. When I used to starve, back at my mom's death, it was because I hadn't any purpose to keep going. I felt like the underground just flip off my feet and I needed to go down with it.
I woke up because my body told me to do it, but my mind gave up on the living stuff. I only wanted to be with my mother again and the only way to do it was to die.
«For now you have written everything, if something else will come up in my mind I'll write it down.»
I nod and face him while he is still looking at the paper. He has his glass on and every time is like the first one. I like when he puts them on, giving him that charming intellectual and intriguing figure. Not that he is less without, but with them, there is a step more in it. He is wearing a grey zip hoodie and the zip stops right when his chest ends. I glimpse other tattoos on his skin and I am so curious to see all of them, wondering what's their meaning and how many he has.
When I move my eye back on his, my cheeks become red after the caught look he is giving me. «What does the two-arm scale mean?» I push the focus on something that is not me being captured staring -observing- him as I always do. The annoying point is that from my expression you can read what I am thinking about and I always feel betrayed by my body language.
Kevin's face changes and from the amused smirk, he puts on a hard expression. «Time is death,» he says before thinking about how going on. «We spend our lives waiting for our last moment. In our head, we know we will die and somehow time helps us to get closer to it. They're on the same floor. Shorter is the time, closest is the death.»
I twist my lips. «That's very dark,» I whisper while finishing my sandwich and putting away the paper that was wrapping it. «You really thought that while tattooing it? Like: I want a tattoo that expresses how much closer I am to die.»
«I tattooed it because in Mafia time is also death,» he comments and brushes away a little lock of hair back so he can see better towards his glasses. «If you respect the time, you won't die. If you don't, you die.»
«In that case, you should've put the time as the heaviest one.»
Kevin's brows narrow each other. «It is,» he comments. «You haven't stared carefully.» His pesky smirk makes me grumble as I move a bit on the puff to find another position.
I roll my eyes. «I thought they were the same weight.»
Kevin shakes his head and takes off the hoodie. Damn. I need to hold my breath and my thoughts as now I have him shirtless in front of me. I can confirm now that he probably workout regularly. His chest's pale skin isn't covered by many tattoos. In my mind, he was full of it, but instead, he only has those weird lines that cover some part of his chest I have no right time to check deeper on it because he turns to let me face his arm.
My mind is still flashed by the sudden vision of his bare chest. I focus my mind on the tattoo and now I can see it fully. I remember the last time it was half covered by the T-shirt. It's a very simple scale and the plate with the clock on it is slightly down respecting the one with the cross, explaining the time is everything theory he told me before. With no control over it, I skim my fingers over his tattooed skin. As I land my touch, I can see him shudder.
I stop my finger right on the time under the scale, now knowing the meaning of it. «Do you always tattoo something about the people you kill or torture?» I ask with no strainer while raising my eyes to fit his.
Kevin takes my question and push it into his mind. He probably wasn't ready for that, for me connecting the meaning of the tattoo and going back on when he told me about Camilla's father. Is he going to tattoo something about her too? About me? I have no tattoo on my body but I always wanted to do one for my mom. Not because she needs to be inked in my skin, but because I want something that reminds me of her every time I see it. Maybe one day I'll do it, once I have decided what to sign on my skin.
«No,» Kevin answers my question, putting back the hoodie but leaving it open. «I only did that one for him because that was the only time where I really felt horrified about my life. Because I had no choice.»
I nod while moving my eyes back to his chest, to scan some of the other tattoos they seem all without meaning, for me but I am sure they have for him. «One day I'll also tattoo something for my mom.»
«How did she die?» Kevin asks, zipping up his hoodie.
I face down on my fingers while putting a poignant expression on my face. «She had cancer,» I admit with a dim voice. «She died three years ago. We came here because we thought we could find a better cure and also because my father was moved here. But apparently, Cancer can't have a good country to be healed in.»
«I am sorry,» he says as is his fault.
I inhale sharply before lifting my head. «It's okay. Now I am better but in about two weeks it's her death anniversary and it's just... everything is coming together and sometimes I feel overwhelmed.»
Kevin reaches out my leg to hold it while I speak. Even if it burns like hell, as he touches me, I let him do it. Lately, we have been experiencing a new level of confidence. Since I have been spending a lot of time here with him, our tense and weird barriers fell. We started to tase each other, like kids. Starting from pushing our shoulders when we're next to each other, to holding our body parts to comfort the other. Even if these new things are making me uncertain about what I feel and how I should handle the whole situation, I like the feeling of him brushing my body. When maybe we're talking and our hands slightly touch. Both of us pretend it didn't happen, but I see the way he twitches every time it happens. And my body reacts in the same way because I can't control it. I can tell my mind to shut its thoughts, but I can't stop my body to feel what nature created.
And I know this is fully wrong but I knew from the start of it that it wouldn't have been easy, mostly when there is sexual tension and nothing can happen.
Nothing must happen.
The exact moment I let the final wall, it's the end for me.
«I haven't experimented with losing a close relative, but only thinking about my mom dying to make me shiver and feel the urge to call her, to know she is fine,» he speaks slowly while his thumb is rubbing the fabric that separates my skin from his. «It must be very hard.»
«You have no idea.» You really have not. And I hope he never knows what happened to me after.
I wish to no one what happened to me and to lose one of their relatives, neither to Nando.
A deep silence fall on us before Kevin pull away his hand from my body, leaving it cold because his touch was warm against me. He stands up and offers me his hand. I back my head so I can look at him and give him a confused gaze.
He smiles and shakes a bit his hand. «I want to show you something,» he explains and God please don't let it be the 'b' room.
I stand up and take his hand with a hesitant movement. As he holds it, our fingers intertwine and I give them a quick glare before letting a little smile paint on my face while thinking how well work they look together. Then I shift my focus to the house while I am walking next to Kevin to reach something I don't know. We pass by the room where I slept after the attack. The door is closed but fragments of that day fall in front of my eyes remembering why being with him is not something I have to consider but my hand is still in his, not wanting to move away.
Then we step inside another big room and once I am inside, I feel speechless. Kevin step aside, to let me have a full sight of the room while my eyes are wide after seeing how beautiful this room is. This is also probably the only room that has an old style, respecting the whole modern-luxury house.
This is the famous room he called: the library office. You can call it however you want. At first, I thought I would never step inside because my idea was to stay in the living room and never leave that. But so far away I have seen the kitchen, the gym, the guest bedroom, the bathroom -one of them- and now the office.
As I step in, in front of me a big dark wood old-style bookshelf jumps ahead of my eyes. The room is rounded, so the furniture follows its shape and it's probably 180°. It has two floors and to go up there is a little ladder in the same material as the bookshelf that moves in wherever direction you need to go.
The shelves are full of books and I wonder what kind of it. I am still holding Kevin's hand when I step closer to the room to do a deeper scan of it. At the end of the big bookshelf, there are two little armchairs with next to each of them a lamp to probably read in the dark. And as I see them, I realise this is the only room with no windows.
«I like the privacy of it,» Kevin explains to the questions in my head. «This was the only room with no window and with nothing inside. I could fill it with whatever I wanted to, so I did a safe space.»
I am now free from his grip as I walk around the room. The smell of the paper coming from the books makes me exiting and want to bring here my books to spend hours reading. The soft light coming from the lamp gives a very relaxing vibe and I wonder why we can't just work on the plan here.
«Here, it must be forbidden to talk about the job.» Oh, that's why. «Since this is my safe place, I keep the triggering stuff away from here.»
«It's beautiful,» I finally say something while sitting on one of the armchairs and still looking around. «It's so peaceful.» There is also a desk, on the opposite side of the bookshelf but on the top of it, there is nothing. It's just for ornament and it's probably because as Kevin said, here he doesn't work.
As I move my eyes back to Kevin and catch him staring at me with an expression I can't read, even if I would really love to do it. I hate the fact that he can read what I think but I can't do with him. I either have to ask or keep my curiosity to myself.
He walks towards me. «You can stay here as long as you want to.»
I know he is saying that because he wants me to stay with him the longest and I have tried to tell him more than once that we should keep it low but it's like talking with a kid. «We have important stuff to deal with,» I respond and stand up.
Kevin shakes his head. He is still walking towards me and now his dangerous closeness is making my heart start to race fast and my skin burns. Why he suddenly has decided to play at the let's make Enede's head spin fast until she falls. Being next to him is always a fast rollercoaster ride and sometimes it's hard to stop it when it has already started. I can feel my chest burning and my hands sweating once he is too close for my health.
He raises a hand to move it against one of my locks of hair, pushing it behind my ear.
Thump, thump, thump. I can feel my heart starting is race right now. I lift my gaze to meet Kevin's and he has his head slightly tilted. Even if I can't fully read his expression, I am sure that whatever I am feeling, he is feeling too. His blue eyes shine behind his glass and the end of his lips are slightly tilted up. The little mark of the cut is still there but now you can subtly see it. Around the left eye, the dark spot has gone and the skin has its colour back.
I am glad he is fine and the wounds are gone. Mine are almost gone too.
I am trying so hard to distract myself but as he moves his hand down to my face and then to my neck, I feel the room heating too much. It's like being in an oven and I just need fresh air. I need to leave before things get complicated.
But I am still there, with my eyes implanted in his and with his hand moving around my burning skin. I thank myself to have worn a hoodie, so I have no uncovered skin I don't want him to touch.
I mean, I want him to touch me.
No, I don't.
I take a profound breath before stepping back from him. «We can't,» I whisper so low that I have no idea if he heard me or not. Once I am far away enough, I exhale all the air I have wrapped in my chest.
His hand falls as I move away and his eyes lose the light they had a moment ago, while watching me, staring at me. I know it hurts but as much as I want this to work -us-, now it can't be possible. We need our full focus on the plan, on making it possible and accomplishing it. Once we do that, we can start all over again. It's easier to think about it and it's harder to do it.
But Kevin doesn't give up on me fending off him. «Sometimes is really hard to have a clear mind while staying around you,» he admits and my chest burns again. He is breathing fast and I am doing that too, while I keep my sight on him and his red cheeks. «The way I want things to be so different so I can have you the I want to. You really have no idea.»
What's going on? Is this the moment where we confess what we feel? Because if my turn has to come, my thoughts aren't wise as his right now. My mind is trotting around bunches of not-cute thoughts, even if I think also his are not that purest.
By the way, he says that and then he is stepping again towards me and I damn him mentally because he can't keep our boundaries large. I breathe between my teeth, trying to not look too much frustrated about the things we both want but can't have and as soon as he is closer to me, I have to full cock my head on the back to keep my gaze on his face. He is taller than me and if I don't want to push my nose into his chest I may need to do that. His blue eyes now shine again and my inner is flattered to see back that colour. «You have no idea,» he repeats with a deep tone of voice and I feel my legs giggling between them while I swallow my pride. «Of the control, I have to handle to not let me do more.»
Damn you, Kevin. His voice is so low but I can totally hear him. Our faces are so close that my nostrils fill with his mint breath and by smelling that I totally lost sight. I have my mind blurred by that but I need to stop this. He has always made so clear what he feels but I have never given him a slight word about mine and the fact is that I didn't give it to myself either. I probably feel so many emotions that I can't put them in order so I can wrap them all in just one conclusion.
His glance moves from my eyes to my lips before he licks his and my mind starts a very loud alarm that tries to wake me up from all of this. I know what he wants to do and I need to step back to not let this happen. If our last wall falls, nothing will be the same anymore. Everything will change and I can't let this happen. Not now, not here. Not after what happened to me and what his father did to him, because of me. Not before we know I can set him free.
But before I can do anything about it, his phone rings and a little me inside my head is jumping fast and clapping her head, as cheering for the interrupting moment.
Kevin's eyes close as he grunts for the person who interrupted the moment and when he grabs his phone to check the name of the caller, I move away from him and then walk out of the room. I finally feel I can breathe again and it feels nice. As I step out, I hear Kevin answering the phone and his tone fades away once I am back in the living room, facing the half-open window so I can breathe fresh hair.
My heart is bouncing so fast against my ribs that I am afraid I will pass out. I try to do deep breathing while I besiege my brain around what has just happened.
This can't happen again, I can't let things like this happen with no control over it. What if he hadn't the call? What if I couldn't stop him from coming too closer to me? Whatever his intention, they put me K.O. I wasn't able to move, to think. And it is so frustrating because I wish I could let myself go.
I feel like it would be so nice to do it, without fighting against my body and my instincts.
It is what I have said to myself since the beginning. His life belongs not to mine. We walk on two different roads and if they collide, mine would be the one that falls because it is not strong enough to deal with his.
I hate this. I hate this situation. I am always tempted to stop my purpose and let myself go. We're planning to set him free which means after that we can finally let our feelings control us. But how can I handle them in the meantime? Knowing I can barely control my body against his movements.
You have no idea the way he looks at you. Antonio's words boop in my head and I push my forehead against the clear and cold glass, thanking the January weather for still giving me a way to free my lungs.
Probably the same way as I look at him. I think and while I do that I wonder about what I actually feel towards Kevin. Knowing that I am physically attracted to him, what else?
I take a moment to think about it.
I like the way his dimples pop out every time he smiles, making him look cuter than his appearance of him can give. He knows how to read me, even if I try to hide my feelings, even if I don't want him to, he knows how to treat me. Knows how to speak to me, even if sometimes his way to do it makes me annoyed but in the end, he is aware of what to say and in what way.
I adore the way his eyes stop on mine, giving me that shiny light with those blue-sky irises where I always drown myself, it makes me feel like a cloud chilling around.
When he laughs, it's amused. He has a very funny laugh that makes me always smile because it's a sound I want to hear every day, more and more because when he looks upset, I don't like it.
I don't like when that shadow appears in his gaze when something is wrong, turning his light off. I always want to brush it away so he can smile back because he probably has no idea how much gorgeous he looks when he is happy.
Well, damn. I am fucked up. «Sorry, it was my father.» his hoarse voice brings me back to reality, brushing away my mind from the list of things I like and don't like about Kevin. Even if I haven't found something I don't like about him, except his lifestyle. It has been hard to find his negative sides of him.
My face is still half-red as I turn around to look at him. As he said the word father my mood totally changes and starts to seethe. I hate even only hearing his name or whatever is connected to him. A father who hits his grown-up son just because for him he has failed in something wrong from the basement is absurd in front of my eyes. It's like you want to give him a lesson but in the wrong way.
It doesn't work like that, mostly if your son is an adult and has his mind and opinions. You just accept life as it is and keep going in your step, not trying to bring other forces into it.
Kevin must have felt my change of humour because he his shaking his shoulders. «It's okay, he didn't want anything important.»
«I don't care what he wants,» I ward off and my voice sounds ruder than I wanted to. «Sorry, didn't mean to say that rusher.»
The man in front of me chuckles, reminding me of what I was thinking some moments before he heads into the living room and can't help smiling at him. «You can actually say whatever you want about him, I don't care.»
I take a longer moment to look at his face while he is still smiling and I sigh internally because it can't be possible for me to be falling for someone that has so messed up life but still looks like he can hold everything together with raised head and a full chest. «I must go. I will call Daniele and ask him everything.»
Kevin's mood changes and I hate to be the one who has done that. He passes one of his hands in his hair and I follow his movement while I add that to the big list of things I like about him. «You can do it here,» he tries and when he meets my disappointed gaze, he realises that there is nothing that will make my mind change.
«Kevin.» His name rolls out of my mouth half like a cry and half like a grunt. «I need to go home.»
He nods and leaves the room to get the jacket. Another thing that has started to be routine is picking me up and dropping me home. I stopped asking for Antonio's car and accepted to have Kevin as my chauffeur. I made a lot of jokes about it and I realised that he didn't like them, so I keep telling them since I have find another thing that can annoy him. It's hard to find those.
I look down at the little table in front of the couch and I take the paper where I wrote my questions and then my bag. I wait for Kevin to bring my jacket too and when he is back, I put it on while following him out of the house. The cold wind hit my face like a knife and my body shudders while I walk behind Kevin, towards the Audi, but before he enters I call him.
When he turns I smile. «Can I drive it?» I ask giving him puppy eyes even if I don't need to do it.
He smiles and doesn't hesitate to give me the car key and the way he trusts my drive excites me. Most of the time guys will never let a woman drive a supercar or a sportive car, but the way Kevin lets me do it makes me feel like I am not that bad at driving or maybe he just has enough money to repair it if I break it.
I run towards the driver's door, open it and jump inside while I throw my stuff on the little back. This one has the automated gearbox so I don't have to put effort into the clutch even if I like the manual transmission, giving me more speeding vibes.
As I turn on the engine, the car roars and my chest vibrate. I feel Kevin's stare pointed at me but I don't care about it. I am slowly getting used to it and also right now I am distracted. My mind fully wraps around the concentration of driving as I press the accelerator, reminding myself that these cars have a very sensitive pedal and as I slightly touch it, the car already moves far away. But I manage to drive along the streets without breaking or losing control. I hold tight the hand around the wheel and push the throttle when I know I can risk a bit. I liked the Mazda more, but this one is at another level. They're two different types of cars and I wouldn't mind owning one of them.
As we approach my street, I slow down, not making the car too many loud noises. She is already a beast with no pushing and when my house appears, I stop right there, pulling over and turning it off.
I spin my head to face Kevin and he is smiling behind the sunglasses. There is no sun but he always wears them when he is outside. Maybe the grey weather bothers his light eyes; it does to me too, having also light-coloured irises. «Was it fun?»
I nod too vividly and that makes him laugh. «At least you didn't do the chauffeur today.»
He rolls his eyes as I said that word. «That word is so annoying,» he retorts before bringing back his gaze to me and smiling again. «Whenever you want to drive it, you ask. It feels good to see you that bright while you drive.»
I bit my intern cheeks as they turn red and leave slowly the wheel. «Thanks,» I say before taking off my seat belt and taking my bag from the back.
I leave the car and when I am out, I find Kevin right in front of me. I hit his chest with mine and before the scene in the office happens again, I move aside to let him pass and go inside the car but he stands there, waiting for me to wave at him and walk away. As I do that, I try to give him the brightest smile on my shoulder before entering my building and closing the door behind me.
I breathe out profoundly. Suddenly reality hits me like a train and I don't like the way I am feeling right now because the urge to go back to Kevin and leave with him to drive back to his house is not a good thought to have. So I quickly climb the stairs and reach my door.
Once I am in, I feel my mind slowly go back to its reasonable side I walk into my room, and close myself inside after letting Brody pat inside with me too. He jumps on the bed as I sit on and I take my phone, not hesitating anymore to do the call.
I search for the name of the contact, with my heart racing and my head spinning while my eyes stay firm on an unclear side of my room because right now I need to have my mind in full work mode. Once I find the name, I call without waiting for me to change my mind and then I wait.
I wince when a deep voice answers my call. «Daniele Ferrari, chi parla?*»
I take a deep breath. My dad told me he can fluently speak English so I don't hesitate to reply in my native language. «Hi. I am Enede Robertson, Robert's daughter. He sends you the best greetings,» I start telling quickly so he knows who I am and can take my words with the right weight of them.
«I am calling you because I want to give you a new case, about the Adonis family. And we can both help each other exposing the leader.»
—
TRANSLATION
Chi parla*: who's talking?
AUTHOR SPACE:
Happy Saturday, how are you all?
I want to thank those who still keep reading my book chapter by chapter, I am glad you do it.
In this chapter we knew the meaning of one of Kevin's tattoos and we have a little heated moment between he and Enede, where she has very confused thoughts about it because she has no idea how to react. She knows it's wrong but she also feels something that she can't push away.
Will she be able to keep pushing that back or at one point she will fall?
Let me know what do you think about the chapter!
Love ya,
Benny :*
CHAPTER COVER MADE BY ME.