RANDY
what'sssss...... goinnnng on?
STAN
DAD?
RANDY
....stan? is that .....youuuu! towelieeeee!!! this.... is my son stan! haveee you mett himmm?
TOWELIE
stan... you feel so familiar... almost.... like i met you before..... that's trippy man ...i'm so fucking high right now.
STAN
dude.
TOWELIE
wait it's you!! stan!... stan! stan marsh! what's up ...buddy!
RANDY
ook... stannnn.. daddies having fun timee right nowwww, go...... home so-
****randy passes out from being drunk, damien walks over to randy and pickpockets a lighter from his front pocket, no one seems to notice.
GREGORY
wow.. didn't know your father was such a dipsomaniac.
STAN
well the jokes on you cuz i don't even know what the fuck that means.
TOWELIE
uh..... what..... uhhhh... i have no idea what's going on right now....
STAN
get up dad, mom probably wants you home.
****stan shakes randy to wake him up, he wakes up
RANDY
what??... oh... homee???? but... sstan, i am ..homes.....
STAN
mr pilot man!!!!
STAN
can you please get my r-tard father and his friend off this jet.. we didn't pay for them to come.
PILOT
i see...
PILOT
no pay no ride sorry... dudes
RANDY
heyyyyy...... heyyy.... fuck ....you! fuck....... you! this is my home......... you can't just throwwww me... out.... i thought this was america? this ...isn't america no!???
TOWELIE
yeah... america!!!....wait ....what are we doing here again....???
PILOT
alright buddy, parties over!
****the pilot escorts them out, everyone sits down in their seats, damien sits down in a seat next to pip and pulls out the stolen lighter and starts burning the airplane seat in front of him, pip and stan notice
STAN
damien... what the hell are you doing?
DAMIEN
i just love fire... it reminds me of home
STAN
yeah um... whatever man. but i would rather not have to smell burning plastic the whole ride.
****damien puts the lighter in his pocket, the pilot starts the jet
STAN
where did you even get that lighter anyway-
PILOT
-listen up, everybody! fasten your seatbelts, as we are preparing to fly again, fasten your seatbelts, as we are preparing to fly, thank you!
PIP
oh good fun! i've never been on a private jet before!
~~*—-how the flight went.—-*~~
****pip falling asleep immediately after take off missing the whole flight, damien burning up random magazines with his lighter in the bathroom, butters' talking the first pilots ear off about how his day went, gregory engaging in one sided political debates with the second pilot, craig alternating between holding and petting all the different guinea pigs, tweek freaking the fuck out because of turbulence, stan blasting music in his headphones to drownout tweek, mysterion disappearing to whoever the fuck knows where, christophe reading a bible in the corner giggling and smiling to himself like it was some comedy special, eventually the jet comes to a stop, landing them in washington d.c, the boys get off the jet, christophe uses his moms credit card to get an uber from the airport to the white house, they finally arrive at the white house, only to see a white house tour conveniently happening at the time they showed up, they all join the tour in hopes of finding a way to sneak into the white house.
JERRY (TOUR GUIDE)
hello fellow democracy lovers! how are we feeling! this epic! historical! afternoon?
EVERYONE ON TOUR
GOODDDD!!!!!!
CHRISTOPHE
miserable, self loathing.
JERRY (TOUR GUIDE)
ok.... um well... so today!!! we are touring around the amazing historical white house!!!! you guys must all be so very excited!
JERRY (TOUR GUIDE)
to the left you'll see the historical gard-
****once the tour guide is preoccupied with touring the people, christophe wanders off course and gestures for all of the kids to follow and meet with him behind a gigantic water fountain, they all notice this and follow, christophe lowers his tone
CHRISTOPHE
as the head of the group i call the shots, not stanley fucking marsh, me.
CHRISTOPHE
the plan is to find a way to get past the tour group without raising any suspicion. and once we do that, we find a way past that asslicking guard over there.
TWEEK
ahhh! man this is way too much pressure!
****everyone except tweek, who is freaking out from the pressure, pauses to think up a plan.
CRAIG
doesn't damien have demon powers or some shit?
CHRISTOPHE
yeah right! damien. use your demon forces to scare the shit out of that guard over there. of course, after we find a way past the tour group.
CRAIG
why can't damien just scare the shit out of the tour group?
CHRISTOPHE
do you have two fucking brain cells? is that it, craig? that would cause too much fucking commotion. you know how many people are on that tour... like 80 million, if they are all yelling and screaming because they saw a demon child it would be an end to this little plan, i worked so fucking hard for!!!!
****craig flips christophe off
CHRISTOPHE
yeah, yeah... flipping me off won't make that idea any less dumb, now back to the grand plan... we need to be as discreet as possible.... we use the power of distraction to deal with the tour... pip, you distract them... annoy the shit out of the tour guide so we can make our run.
DAMIEN
no, pip comes with me. i need to make sure he's safe.
PIP
it's actually quite fine, damien.
CHRISTOPHE
.....since damien here is so fucking keen on pip coming with him. i guess tweek can take that one for the team.
CHRISTOPHE
tweek. use your acting skills to distract the all people over there so those lovebirds over there can get through to the guards.
****pip and damien look at each other in confusion...
TWEEK
aH!! do i have to?
TWEEK
i really have to do this alone???? i mean what if i mess up and everyone figures out what we're doing? aGH! what if everyone finds out and they try to kidnap me???? what if they try to kidnap all of us???? OH GOD!!!!!!!
CHRISTOPHE
damn... what the hell is wrong with you tweek??!!! craig, you go with him... i think he's short circuiting.
CHRISTOPHE
now.. as i was saying, the grand plan... we follow the lead of damien... at first, until damien gets rid of the guards to let us in.....
CHRISTOPHE
....i shall reveal more of the plan once we get into the white house.
CHRISTOPHE
let's go fuckers.