Chapter Summary: Audrey's death and Steve's amnesia make Samantha panic more than she ever has before and nobody seems to know what to do.
Soundtrack: Mad World by Gary Jules
Samantha paced the floor of S.H.I.E.L.D's Hospital Wing. The events of the day kept running through her mind: She'd shot Audrey, Steve didn't remember her at all, S.H.I.E.L.D. was going to bury her mother, her childhood home – her childhood bedroom – was the scene of a murder, a murder she had committed.
She'd had to be debriefed in Coulson's office and she'd had to explain it to the best of her abilities. Coulson had said that he could postpone the debrief until she was more stable but she wanted it out and in the open as soon as possible, while it was still fresh in her mind. He'd eventually told her that there was no fault in her actions but still the words "I shot my mother," kept running through her mind over and over.
Natasha had called her father and Pepper, they'd be arriving soon. She hated the idea that they would try and comfort her without questions, they'd forgive her and yet she couldn't forgive herself. She'd killed someone, worse still, she'd killed her biological mother. She knew she could be defended in court with two defences: Self-defence and psychological trauma. She knew S.H.I.E.L.D. would never let it get that far, they'd cover it up and, somehow, that made her feel even worse. Guilt and fear consumed her.
"Careful, you might end up walking a hole into the floor," Natasha said and Samantha looked her in the eye.
"Who was your first kill? D-do you remember it?" she asked and the assassin stared at her for a second.
"I've spent a long time trying to forget that. It's a difficult thing to do. He was my handler. When you do undercover work, and at some point you will do undercover work, you get a handler. Your handler is supposed to be like a liaison between yourself and the agency you work for. The Red Room was a sector of KGB, that bit you know, at this point I was sent undercover in another sector, they thought there was a mole. My handler was taken by HYDRA and, once I got there with the extraction team, we discovered that my handler was under the influence of a mind control method. There was no way around it, he was trying to kill me, so I had to kill him," Natasha explained with a frown on her face.
"Does it ever get easier?" Samantha asked.
"It'll haunt you for a while but eventually, yes, it will get easier," her answer was as blunt, honest and emotionless as any other answer Samantha had ever received from the woman known as Black Widow.
Samantha couldn't forget about Steve, he had amnesia – retrograde amnesia at that and in the most extreme form she'd ever heard of. Fitz had basically explained it all to her. Steve thought it was World War Two again, hence the reason he'd mistaken her for Peggy. She didn't know the true extent of his injuries. She didn't really know how to deal with all of it. What she did know was that she was to blame. If she hadn't been so distracted; if she had figured out where he was earlier then maybe he wouldn't be as badly hurt, maybe she wouldn't feel so damn guilty and maybe her would actually remember her.
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She didn't remember when she'd finally stopped pacing and she'd fallen asleep but when she woke up, Samantha was covered by a white hospital grade blanket. The damn thing was itchy as all hell but she was thankful to whoever had made the gesture.
For a moment, she thought that it had all been a dream. She thought that she was still at James Madison waiting for news on the President, the secret service agent was somewhere around being debriefed by his superior and she hadn't been on the receiving end of that phone call. But alas, the reality quickly dawned upon her: she had shot and killed Audrey, Steve had been tortured, Steve had no clue who she was and Ward was still at large. So, the pacing began again.
"Whoa, you're going to tire yourself out again doing that," she heard. Samantha hadn't noticed Natasha sat opposite her until then but still she paced "Your dad and Pepper are here by the way. Pepper's getting coffee and your dad is yelling at Coulson," she said with a chuckle before softening her tone "Steve's going to be okay you know,"
"How do you know that? Any number of things could have gone wrong!"
"He's Steve Rogers, that man will survive anything. The man was frozen for seventy years remember? And anyway he loves you and that's supposed to be stronger than anything in the universe, although that's debatable,"
"He doesn't even remember me, how's he supposed to know that he loves me if he doesn't even know who I am?" Samantha asked, tears clouding her vision.
"Guess you'll have to figure it out,"
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Tony Stark was angry, angrier than he'd ever been before. He wasn't angry because his daughter had killed someone, he knew she had her reasons – very good ones at that. No, he was angry because she and S.H.I.E.L.D. had deceived him. He stormed out of Coulson's office, having reminded the S.H.I.E.L.D. Director of what he called the 'Samantha Stark Protocol' and walked towards the hospital wing in search of his daughter.
Apparently, she was left distraught by what had transpired and he understood that feeling. He understood the guilt that was most likely consuming her, he'd felt it himself after Afghanistan. He knew what she needed, it wasn't sympathy – she needed someone who understood. After what happened with Obadiah, Tony had drawn a veil over his feelings, there were two different versions of him: The happy-go-lucky version and the version who cried himself to sleep every night for two months.
He finally found her, pacing the corridor as Natasha spoke to her. The talking wasn't helping at all. "Nat why don't you go eat something?" he suggested to the raven haired assassin and, knowing it wasn't the suggestion it pretended to be, she did so. He watched Samantha for a few moments, she was a wreck. "How you doing kiddo?" he asked carefully, a gentle smile on his face and she glared at him "Not good I take it," another glare followed "You know I understand it right?" he tried.
"Do you now?" she said, her voice dripping with both anger and sarcasm.
"Obadiah Stane was like a dad to me after my parents died. After I came from Afghanistan, I killed the weapons programme at Stark Industries. He tried to get the Board to oust me and started selling weapons to the Ten Rings under the table. Anyway, he stole one of the suits – the earliest version. I sent Pepper in to hack the system and figure out was going on. She told Coulson. A couple of thing happened and Obie and I fought. I had to tell Pepper to overload the reactor and Obadiah died," he explained, every regret he felt over the situation revealed in his face "You had to make a tough decision in a tough situation. You saved yourself and Steve. I get the guilt, and I get the worry. But you have to remember that what you did saved dozens of lives, if not more,"
She sank down in the chair next to him "How do you deal with it?" she asked softly.
"Scotch works pretty well," he joked earning a light punch in the arm "Honestly, I cried myself to sleep every night for two months, there are sometimes when it creeps up on me but I have to remember that by doing what I did I saved a tonne of people and that's not something to cry about,"
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It had been too long, she should have heard something, she was convinced of that, but she hadn't heard anything. The pacing had started again when, finally, Fitz came out and started to talk to her "Good news or bad news first?" he asked, his Scottish accent gruff with concern.
Samantha looked around suspiciously, she wasn't sure why she was suspicious, she just put it down to the stress of the previous few days "Good news," she answered, she needed some form of good news in that moment.
Most of the injuries are minor. The cuts on his back needed stitching but other than that his head is the problem," he announced and she breathed a sigh of relief
"And the bad news?" she asked apprehensively.
"The amnesia hasn't gone away but he may remember things over the next few days," he said and she decided that she wasn't going to allow it to affect her, Steve needed her. "I'm sorry Samantha,"
She breathed in and then said "It's fine, just going to be a challenge is all," she watched the shock and a degree of awe appear on his face "Can I see him?" she asked hopefully and Fitz nodded in reply.
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Samantha stood at the edge of the room, he was awake and watching her, the swelling around his eyes had died down a fair bit but he still didn't quite look like him. "So are you just gonna stand there or –?" he asked with a smirk and she smiled momentarily.
"Sorry," she said looking at her feet as she shuffled to one of the seats close to the bed.
"Doc says I've got amnesia, so anything you can tell me would be great,"
She chuckled, that was so like him – straight to the point "I'm Samantha, your girlfriend, the year is 2015 and the President's name is William Ellis,"
"What about Peggy?" he asked and Samantha's heart broke for him. How could she explain to him that Peggy Carter was dead?
"Peggy... she-she died. HYDRA poisoned her, over months and months. We didn't even find out about the plan until a-a week before she died. I'm... I'm sorry," she said, tears filling her eyes. She hadn't quite realised how much Peggy's death had truly affected her. She'd known that she blamed herself, with good reason too: if she had found the files earlier on in the piece then maybe Peggy wouldn't have died, they could have found or developed an antidote for whatever the poison was.
"Why would you need to be sorry?" he asked curiously. There he was again, always concerned with everyone else over himself.
"Because... my mother had files detailing assassination plans on those close to S.H.I.E.L.D. agents, Peggy was one of the people the plans described. I... I didn't know she was a HYDRA agent until Coulson – he's the director of S.H.I.E.L.D – told me. Once I found that out, I felt like I needed proof of her HYDRA agent status. So I unlocked her safe, after I spent an age figuring out what the password was and that was where I found the files. I gave them to Coulson but it was too late," she explained, trying to predict his reaction and prepare herself for shouting, orders for her to leave the room.
Yet again, Steve shocked her "You did all you could given the situation. So, what exactly don't I remember?" he asked changing the subject.
"Umm, a whole lot. We won the war – the one that made you Captain America – although you were kind of a Capsicle for that. You work for S.H.I.E.L.D. as an Avenger which is like the best of the best within S.H.I.E.L.D. Umm Howard Stark, he's my grandfather, died in the 90s although you were a Capsicle for that one as well," she said, completely uncertain of what else she could say to him "Umm could you just excuse me for a second?" she asked not even waiting for a reply before she ran out the door. She couldn't take it. She couldn't do it. At all. It was all too difficult. Samantha rarely backed away from a challenge and here she was backing away. She leant against the wall and began to sink to the floor as her body was wracked with sobs, the whole effect of the previous 24 hours finally taking its toll on her.