Sasuke sat on the couch, Haruna laying on his chest while she slept as he scrolled through business modules on his iPad. He would glance at her occasionally when she made soft sounds, but ultimately, the two remained in silence as the late hours of the night progressed.
The four month old baby had been crying all night and had managed to stop her wailing the moment he took her out of her room. He had walked around the house a few times, patting her back soothingly as she stared at everything with wide teary eyes. Sasuke had found himself standing in Hinata's old room for a few minutes, wondering if the calming scent of the lavender would have the same effect on her as it usually does for him.
He was right to do so.
Haruna has shifted in his arms, trying to see what he was seeing. She wondered why her father stopped walking but didn't make a sound. Sasuke picked up one of the old blankets and continued his walk around the house before settling in the living room. He had covered himself and Haruna with the blanket, the lavender scent immediately lulling her to sleep. He figured that the young child somehow managed to pick up the familiar scent from the short time she had spent in Hinata's presence.
That, or lavender really was a wonderful thing that helped with calming down the nerves of every feisty baby on the planet.
He didn't think much of it whilst he worked, and he soon joined Haruna in the land of dreams as his body relaxed under the warm blanket.
Sakura had found the two laying on the couch, wrapped up like a burrito with no intentions of getting up. She looked at the display of affection from Sasuke with soft eyes. As quietly as she could, she prepared breakfast for Sarada and herself, knowing that her husband wouldn't be waking up until much later.
"Good morning!" Sarada skipped into the kitchen with a wide grin on her face.
"Shh." Sakura pressed her finger to her lips and pointed to the living room. "Your father and sister are sleeping."
"Oh...sorry." She sat down at the kitchen island and kicked her feet happily instead. "What are we having for breakfast?" She whispered, folding her hands neatly on the marble surface.
"Scrambled eggs, waffles and some juice." Sakura got the things she needed out of the fridge, and popped the frozen waffles into the toaster.
"We had that yesterday." Sarada pouted, "can we have blueberry pancakes today?"
"You'd be late for school and I'll be late for work." Sakura shook her head, tending to the eggs carefully. Her daughter was really picky with how her eggs were made.
"I thought you weren't working anymore." She pouted. "Do you have to go?"
"I've always been working, Sara, just not at the hospital. Today, however, I have to go see someone very important." She placed the eggs onto a plate, as well as two waffles and set it down in front of Sarada. Handing her glass of apple juice and the maple syrup, she then fixed herself a plate similar to her daughter's. "I'll drop you off at school and your father would pick you up."
"Okay..." Sarada ate her food quietly, watching her mother eat as well. "Can we go to the park when you're finished with work?"
"If I'm home early, then we can." She nodded and took a sip of her coffee. "Is Shikadai coming to visit you today? I remember you talking about it; is that why you want to go to the park?"
"Mhm! He said he has some new colouring books he got for me when he went to Suna." She pushed her empty plate and glass to the side.
"Why can't he give you those at school?"
Sarada shrugged, "if everyone sees him give me gifts they'll say we're dating." She made a disgusted face.
"Oh? Do you like him?"
"Only as a friend. Shikadai is very smart, maybe even smarter than daddy." She giggled. "Is mommy going to bathe me?"
"I will, just give me a second. How about you go put your uniform on your bed and pick out which ribbon you want in your hair?"
She gave her a nod and excused herself to do just as her mother suggested. Sakura finished her breakfast and quickly cleaned up the kitchen. She made a baby bottle for Haruna and placed it in a bowl of hot water to keep it warm in case she woke up soon.
Even as she and Sarada finished getting their things together and left the house, the duo on the couch didn't wake up.
Chapter Fifteen: Chimera
"Can you get that?" Sasuke asked, flipping through a pile of paperwork that he was behind on. He was in the middle of getting himself ready to head to the office for an important board meeting.
Sakura looked up from her laptop, a tired look on her face as she muted her mic. "Give me five more minutes and I'll tend to her. I can't leave so suddenly." She frowned.
"I'm about to leave, Sakura. If I could do it myself, I would but I can't exactly bring a baby with me." He closed his briefcase and fixed his suit.
"Being late is okay, isn't it? That's what you told me all those months ago." She mumbled, biting her lip as she tried to figure out a way to stay in the group call while she took care of her crying daughter.
"I'm already late." He checked his watch, "by an hour because I was busy feeding her and putting her to sleep. She's awake again and I can't miss out on something I had a month to prepare for." He sighed, slipping on his shoes.
Haruna's cry got louder the longer the two of them spent bickering back and forth about who should go pick up and soothe the child. Sasuke paused at the door, waiting for some sort of indication that Sakura would leave her meeting for a few minutes.
He knew the situation was difficult for the both of them, but he had hoped that she would notify the president of the hospital and the other staff present that she had to excuse herself for a moment. Maybe Haruna just needed to be changed, or perhaps the curtains needed to be drawn because the room was too bright. The point he was trying to silently make was that it would not take long for her to make sure Haruna was okay before she resumed her position in the video call.
"Forget it." He muttered, taking his shoes off as he began to undress. He dropped his briefcase on the floor as he rushed upstairs. Sasuke stopped in his room first, trying to find his bluetooth earpiece whilst he dialed the number of his secretary.
"Mister Uchiha, where are you?"
The voice of his anxious secretary filled his ear as he fixed the earpiece and changed his clothes.
"There was an emergency and I couldn't make it. Can you put me on speaker instead and have someone forward me the documents presented in today's report so I can look them over whilst we discuss things?" Sasuke walked into the nursery and picked up a pink faced Haruna who kept crying even as he tried soothing her.
"Alright." There was some shuffling heard for a moment, "you're on speaker now."
"Thank you. Sorry that I wasn't able to appear in today's meeting." He apologized as he set Haruna down on the changing table. He didn't bother trying to make her quiet, he needed all the people in the room to know that his emergency was attending his infant daughter. Sasuke could care less about the whispering and murmuring his shareholders partook in. "I am still able to hear what's being said and I hope that someone will send me the things discussed today."
Sasuke kept talking and answering questions as he cleaned Haruna and gave her a short bath to calm her nerves. Drying her wet skin, he gathered her lotion and her onesie. After a few minutes of dressing her and getting her something to eat, he sat down in his office with her in his arms as he looked through the powerpoint he was sent.
She remained quiet, just watching her father work as she sucked on her pacifier. He would occasionally let her play with his fingers while he listened carefully. Before they both knew it, his meeting was finished and she had fallen asleep.
He was a little annoyed.
At Sakura but mostly at himself for believing that things would be different. They were at first, and he was very content in watching his wife finally own up to her mistakes and fix them. But somehow, she had managed to slip back into her old habits when things got a little hectic. She didn't disregard Haruna, though it was clear that the young child wasn't the top of her priorities when it comes to making choices.
As demonstrated by her willingness to let the baby cry for a longer period of time because she was tending to her duties at the hospital.
He wasn't going to talk to her about it. He was tired of talking, tired of empty promises, and tired of being the one to constantly push things to the side to take care of his children because he understood that work will never be as important as them.
Sasuke placed Haruna in her playpen to sleep once he got downstairs to make himself lunch. He covered her with Hinata's old blanket and put her rabbit plushie [a gift from the Hyuga woman] beside her.
"Are you mad at me?" Sakura asked, walking into the kitchen hesitantly.
Sasuke didn't answer, he focused on making his meal, preparing a light snack for Sarada before she got home and a bottle of milk for Haruna.
"I think you're mad at me." She sat down at the kitchen island and tapped her nails on it nervously.
He glanced at her and closed the container of cut fruits. "How was your meeting?"
"It was good. We just discussed some ways to cut back on hospital expenses and the likes."
"Hn."
"Sasuke, talk to me. I know you're upset at what I did earlier."
"Why do I have to say it if you already know?" He warmed up a bowl of rice to accompany the chicken he finished cooking. "It's a little ridiculous for me to point it out if you know what you did."
"It was awful of me—"
"Can we skip past the 'I did something wrong and I'm sorry' portion of this conversation and move to the empty promises to do better?"
"..."
"It's a constant thing you're apologizing for and promising you would fix. I've lost count of how many times you've managed to do that, and every single time, I forgive you and believe that you will change. It's been four months of the same thing; you do a good job, and then you fall back into your old habits." He was losing his appetite the longer he stood there.
"Listen, I really am sorry—"
"Save it. I don't want to hear it again. She was crying even while I had her in my arms and you didn't even bother to come check if everything was okay. What am I supposed to do, Sakura? Forgive you again?"
She didn't know how to respond. In fact, every response that she had seemed to be very predictable and that upset her. How long has he noticed this, yet he remained at her side and kept giving her chances to fix it?
"The hospital is important to me, and my family is important to me too." She mumbled.
Sasuke shook his head, "not enough. You could barely put the things at the hospital on hold for Sarada and Haruna. I don't think they're as important as the work you've spent your entire life preparing for and doing. I've made compromises, I've prioritized them over the only thing I knew how to do, and I hoped that you would do the same. You promised to do the same, but it falls flat every single time."
"We keep having this conversation, don't we?"
"More often than we should. Why does it feel like we're going in circles?"
"Maybe we are. I really do want to fix things, and I don't want to leave you again for me to realize how wrong I am. But I also don't want you to keep feeling like this, I would be frustrated too if our roles were reversed." She laughed sadly, "I can't even blame you. We were so young, so impatient and we thought everything would be perfect the older we get."
The two remained silent.
"It seems as though what we imagined was nothing but a distant dream. I wanted to give you a family that you wanted while ignoring how unprepared I was. I wanted to make you happy."
"You do make me happy." He frowned, already getting over his initial anger and frustration.
"I can see that, but that's not enough for all of this to work. Your happiness isn't only tied to you or me, but our children. If they're upset, then you're upset. Somehow, I realize that but I can't even begin to dissect my own problems." She ran her hand through her hair and sighed. "What do you think we should do?"
His frown deepened as he thought about her words. They both tried their hardest to make their family work. It was like a forever uneven scale, it's either he put too much effort or she put too little. He didn't only have to worry about himself in the situation — had it been the case, everything would be fine. He had Sarada and Haruna to take into account.
For their sake, they needed a mother. One that would always be at their side and prioritize them over her well-being and dreams.
Even she realized that that was a quality that she didn't quite have. Sakura was a great leader, a great mentor, a surgeon, and a teacher. She was kind, smart, thoughtful, and understanding. But that wasn't enough to be a great mother.
Everyone had their shortcomings, but she felt as though she had made too many mistakes to be forgiven now. Again, if she was in Sasuke's shoes, she would understand why he felt the way he did about her dwindling presence in the lives of their children.
"A part of me wants to try again." He answered, "but there's a small voice in my head that's scared, Sakura. Scared that we would be continuously talking about this until Sarada is too old to care and Haruna would feel as though she barely knows you."
Sakura nodded in agreement, "I understand."
"I don't want you to go."
"I'm not leaving you, or them. I just...It's better if I take a step back and provide a helping hand when you need it."
"I do need it, and you can help..."
"Not the way you need me to. I keep doing things wrong and running away when it's time to do what I promised that I would. That's not what you need."
"You're trying to walk away completely."
"I am not. I'm trying to give you a chance to do what's best for Sarada and Haruna. Clearly, having me as the semi-present mother isn't ideal. I know you're afraid to let me go as much as you're scared to let me stay. I am staying, but not as their mother. I don't think I'm ready to be one."
Sasuke avoided her gaze, trying to come up with a counter argument to her words but there was none. She had a point and he didn't want her to be right. They've spent so long together, so long dreaming of raising their own family. To give up that vision now was hard. What would happen now?
He would really be a single father.
"Does that mean a divorce?" He whispered, fear clouding his mind. She was the only thing he knew, the only person [besides his children] he had learned to love. What would he do if she leaves him for good.
"I think it's too early for that decision to be set in stone but...maybe. I'll still be here, I won't stop saying that. I'll still take care of them as best as I can if you need someone to look after them for a little while. My parents would still be their grandparents, my home will still be their home. This doesn't mean the end, Sasuke."
"It sounds like it is. I didn't mean for us to come to this conclusion. I just wanted—"
"I know what you wanted. But this is something we need. I can't keep dragging you down and making you feel lonely even though I'm present. It was great when we were alone, when it was us two, but it's not so great now and you can see that as well. The constant tension, and the arguments. We would be heading somewhere dark and it would be too late to get out of it."
"What if this isn't the answer?"
"If it isn't, we'll find each other again, won't we?" She stood in front of him and cupped his cheeks.
Sasuke closed his eyes and leaned into her warmth. "I wish it was different."
"So do I. I love you, Sasuke. I always have and always will. I love Sarada and Haruna as well. We just can't keep running away from the problem and ignore it any longer. I'll sleep in the guest bedroom tonight." She pressed her lips against his own and smiled. "I need to go to the hospital for some things. I'll pick up Sarada on my way back."
His body felt numb as she left him standing in the kitchen. His food remained untouched and there was a dull ache in his heart.
Sasuke knew she was right. But he didn't want her to be.