[You see this chapter? I cried while editing it. Here's to hoping you don't cry too. Also, it is a very long chapter, so hold tight.]
"Do you want to tell me what's going on now?"
Zayd didn't hear her. They were in her room and he sat on her bed, completely spaced out and unconsciously fiddling with his hands. She stepped out of her wardrobe area and sighed softly.
"Zayd."
He raised his head, humming softly in reply. She repeated the question. "Do you want to tell me what's going on now?"
"I don't think I understand. There's nothing going on."
She stared at him for a moment and then walked back into the wardrobe space to close all the doors and drawers. When she finished, she stepped into the room. "Are you okay, Sa'ed?"
He nodded. "Yeah, I am. Why would you ask that?"
"You haven't been yourself since I returned."
"You're overthinking everything." He managed to smile. He was not sure he was doing a good job convincing her that he was alright. There was only so much he could do when his mind was a mess. "I'm just tired."
She did not smile back. His act was wack but she was not going to call him out. Not yet at least. "I think there's something else and you don't want to tell me about it."
His smile dropped and he lowered his head. He said nothing. He did not want his to delve into his thoughts. They felt wrong to even begin with.
She walked over and sat beside him. She then took her hand in his, her voice extremely soft when she asked "What's wrong, Sa'ed?"
Guilt and so many other emotions threatened to drown him whole. He exhaled slowly. "I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"You just got back and I should be the warmest person but I'm getting you worried instead."
She smiled at him. "I'm not complaining. You have to be fine to be a warm person." She gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "What's wrong, Sa'ed?"
Zayd could not lie to her and he never wanted to keep secrets from her. He swallowed a little difficultly and let it out. "It's Hanan."
Amal's expression stayed calm. She had suspected and expected it. "What happened to her?"
"Nothing. I just haven't been able to reach her since New Year's Day and I'm beginning to think she doesn't want to talk to me. I can't seem to understand why."
"Did you two argue?"
He shook his head. "We didn't. We finished the renovation and I took her home. We said goodbye and I haven't been able to reach since then. I got in touch with Jonathan to see if he was able to get through to her and he was so I don't understand my calls and texts aren't going through."
"Did you two talk before you took her home?" She asked. There had to be a reason. She didn't expect to come back to them not being on talking terms. "Maybe you touched a topic that's sensitive for her."
Zayd looked away and that was all the confirmation she needed. She squeezed his hand again, the pace of her heart picking up. "What did you two talk about? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I'll understand."
"I don't keep secrets from you, Amal." His emotions kept pulling him under. "You know that."
"If it's something that's just between you and Hanan, you don't have to tell me. I'll understand."
He shook his head. "It's not a secret." It definitely felt like one. "At least she didn't say it was."
He sighed a moment later and then he started talking.
"She said both of us make a lovely couple. She wanted to say it again after the day we all met in my office but she didn't want it to come out the wrong way. She also said she wanted a love like ours." The memories were clashing. "That wasn't where the conversation even started." He pulled his hand away from hers and buried his face in both his hands, exhaling loudly.
Amal swallowed back the lump in her throat and reached up to pat his back, not knowing what to say to him. A long minute passed before he raised his head and spoke again.
"She felt like attending a wedding because we drove past one on our way back from Alhaji Tumaka's house so I asked if she had any plans of getting married in the nearest future and she said yes. I asked if she had anyone in mind and she said she did. I told her that he was lucky. I mean, who wouldn't be lucky to have someone like Hanan? She's true to herself, extremely honest and she's funny too."
Amal began to tear up, her smile small but beautiful. She knew he had absolutely no idea his words had more meaning. Maybe he did know. He wasn't willing to accept it.
"She went on to tell me he's off limits because he's married and that he's not someone who's considering polygamy. I told her I could talk to him if I knew who he was. I mean, she can never tell if he has actually considered being with her."
Amal nodded. "I understand what you mean, Zayd."
Hanan liked him. She deduced that much and she was so grateful.
Zayd did not like the look on her face. It hurt him more than anything. "Why do you want to cry, Amal?"
She shook her head. Her smile did not move nor did it waver. "I'm just imagining how she felt, that's all. Please carry on."
He prayed she was being sincere with him. "Are you sure?"
She nodded. "I am."
He studied her for a short while before he continued as she had asked. "She said I didn't know him and that she was quite sure of it. According to her, he's not considering polygamy and that she had planned to get over him this year. It sort of went downhill from there, almost as if there was so much more that needed to be said. I dropped her off after that and came back home. Tried calling her the next morning but couldn't get through. My texts aren't delivering and –"
He stopped and closed his eyes. He focused on breathing in and out until he was sure he had moved away from the edge of a breakdown. When he opened his eyes, they shone with tears. "I'm overreacting, right?"
She shook her head. "You aren't."
He told himself he didn't deserve her. "I'm sorry. I'm talking about another woman. It's probably making you uncomfortable."
"If you were making me uncomfortable, Sa'ed, I would have told you." She let out a soft breath. "Also, it was a sensitive topic for her so she's just trying to get herself back together in her own way."
He couldn't understand why he had to be pushed away for Hanan to get back together. "Did I do anything wrong? If I had known it'll affect her so much, I wouldn't have pushed forward with that conversation."
Amal's heart broke for him. "No, you didn't do anything wrong, Sa'ed. It's probably her own way of getting everything under control before she steps out. Has she resumed from the break?"
He shook his head. "No, she took the week off. She needs to rest. She barely did so during the break because of the renovation."
"Then be rest assured she'll come around, Zayd. She just some time."
"What if she doesn't want to want to talk to me by the time she resumes?" It scared him to death. "That'll mean I did something wrong, Amal."
She took his hand in hers once more and smiled. Her eyes held his. "Zayd, she's not going to cut you off. If you two need to talk, she'll reach out and let you know. Hanan's a very mature woman. You two will be okay."
Zayd was ready to do anything to believe her. "You're sure?"
She nodded, still smiling. "In Shaa Allah. Please don't cry, Zayd. You don't want to break my heart."
"I was just so worried."
She hugged him and patted his back. "You'll be fine In Shaa Allah. Before you know it, the week will run out and you'll see her again. It'll be okay."
He hugged her back, repeating her words in his head. No matter how many times he did so, a part of him knew there was more to it. He was just too scared to be sure of what it was, admit it and then allow it change everything. The change seemed inevitable though and that was what scared him the most.
~*~
The week did not go by quickly and Zayd did not get in touch with Hanan no matter how hard he tried. When he called with his work line, it rang but was never picked up. She only responded to work related emails. By Thursday, Zayd decided to take Amal's advice.
He let her be.
After Jumm'ah on Friday afternoon, he drove to Zayd's to pick up one of Ciudad Lujosa's documents from Jonathan's office. He could not help but notice that Hanan's table had little art pieces that were not there the last time. When he asked, Jane let him know Hanan had come in briefly to get a few things and discuss how they were going to work on their allocated area of the estate.
"She was in for like an hour." She told him. "If you had come in like ten minutes ago you would've met her."
Zayd hid his pain well, kept his visit short and left. When he got home, he met Amal in the living room and she smiled at him. "Should we have an interview night, Zayd?"
His brows furrowed. "Interview night?"
She nodded, seated on one of their luxurious sofas. "Yep. I got a camera and all just for the fun of it."
He removed his babanriga. "So what are we going to do?"
"We can use the dining room. I'll have Stephanie rearrange it before she leaves and I'll set the camera up. We'll act as though we are on a television show. I'll be the host and you'll be my guest."
That made him smile. "When did this idea come to you?"
She smiled wider as he made his way over to where she was seated. "Just this morning, I've been watching TV." He leaned in and pecked her lips. She pouted when he pulled back. "Sorry I didn't get up when you walked in. I'm just so tired."
He sat beside her. "It's fine, Amal. How are your cramps?"
"They're gone." She moved closer to him so the small space between them disappeared. "So, are you in for it?"
"Do I have to play dress up?"
She nodded immediately. "Of course! I've already picked out my dress and I know what make-up I want to do. I'm going to record the whole thing so do not fall my hand, Sa'ed Dantata."
"I'll try my best not to, sweetheart."
"Good!" She stood and stretched out her hand towards him. "Let's go and eat. I am very sure you haven't eaten anything since breakfast."
He put his hand in hers. "So you made me walk all the way here for nothing?"
Her smile was an intoxicating poison. "Exercising your legs is good. Don't you think so?"
"Amal."
She laughed. "Sorry. Come on, Sa'ed." She pulled him up. "Let's get you something to eat."
~*~
The dining table was pushed against a wall and so were most of the chairs.
The two chairs that weren't moved faced themselves in the middle of the cleared space. A camera was mounted on a small tripod some feet away. All the lights were switched on which made the space brighter than it was on a normal day. There were lavaliere microphones too.
Zayd took in everything. Amal had gone all out. He turned around when he heard the soft click of heels and his throat dried up.
Amal looked dazzling in a champagne gold pleated dress that covered every inch of skin. Her platform heels were black and so was the veil she had wrapped like a turban around her head. Her make-up was far from simple but it fit her perfectly well and like always, she scented heavenly. She had a black notepad in hand.
She smiled brightly at him. "You're wearing one of my favourite suits."
Zayd, dressed in a pitch black three piece suit and a striped tie, smiled back. "You did tell me to not fall your hand. You look beautiful, Amal."
She mimicked a hair flip. "I always look beautiful. You said so yourself."
He rolled his eyes. "I'm done with you." He looked around again. "You went all out. You got microphones too."
She nodded excitedly. "I did! I really planned for this while you were at work. Come on, have a seat."
He obeyed and she ensured the camera was properly set before she let it start recording. She then sat in front of him and put on her microphone. Zayd did the same. When he raised his head, she smiled at him. "Nervous?"
He nodded and let out a breath. "Now that I'm seated, there are nerves. I have no idea what to expect."
"It's just you and I, Zayd. We're just going to talk about random things and it'll be over before we know it." She adjusted in her seat to get more comfortable. "Who knows? We might even do this again."
"Let's see how this one goes first."
She nodded and lowered her head to open the notepad she had placed on her laps. Her smile dimmed and he noticed. It did nothing to ease his nerves. If anything, it made him more nervous. It took her a minute to compose herself and raise her head to look at him. This time, her smile was so small that he would have missed it if that had been their first meeting.
"Do you remember the first time we met?"
He nodded. It was an easy question. They were in safe territory. "I do. I'm never going to forget it."
"Can you talk about that day?"
He nodded again, but slowly this time. "It was the wedding of Idris and Halima and I was just there to have fun. I was with him when Halima brought you over and I remember telling myself back then that there was no word in the dictionary that was going to do you justice. You were really beautiful, Amal, and I needed to talk to you."
Her smile widened by the tiniest inch and she crossed her left leg over her right. "And we did talk, for a long time. We left strong impressions on each other."
"Yeah, we did. Then we had lunch before you had to go back to school."
"And we never looked back since then."
Zayd smiled and nodded. "We never did."
"We dated, laughed, fought and argued quite a lot. We cried too." She laughed. "It was a roller coaster ride."
"We haven't gotten off the ride yet, Amal."
She nodded. "True, we haven't." Her expression slowly turned neutral and there was a short silence before she spoke. "When I told you we could have kids, I was still scared to death. I mean, Sadiyah told me as long as I was dedicated to my check-ups and health tips, I'll be okay. Therapy really helped too."
He stayed quiet, listening to her every word. She went on. "The first time I found out I was pregnant, I was over the moon. You can attest to that."
He nodded. "I can. It was so nice to see."
"Unfortunately, we lost it. Then we lost another one and another." She had to swallow before she revealed a secret she had kept to herself for the longest time. "Do you know after the third miscarriage, I contemplated divorce?"
His heart dropped and the room's temperature seemed to drop with it.
Her smile was so sad. "It was after the doctors said my bloodstream was clear of the antidepressants I'd taken. I woke up that night and you were right beside me. All I could think about was how much of a failure I was and how I wasn't making your life any easier."
If her words were knives, his chest would be drenched with blood flowing out from the stabs to his heart. "Amal..."
Tears welled up in her eyes. "That night, I told myself you deserved someone better. That you deserved someone who wasn't going to make you spend a lot of time in the hospital, someone who wasn't going to make you cry after making you so happy over a pregnancy. Someone who wasn't going to be selfish enough to spontaneously decide life was no longer worth living. Those thoughts crossed my mind."
She quickly wiped away the tear that slid down her cheek.
"When I woke up the next day and I saw how worried you were because I had slept for too long, I felt so awful. I told myself I was being selfishly stupid for even contemplating divorce in the first place." She laughed breathily. "You had done absolutely nothing wrong so I had no excuse to give to Allah when I'm questioned if I had actually gone through with it."
Zayd had no words. He had tears in his eyes and his chest felt too tight.
"I'm very grateful Allah blessed me with a man like you, Zayd. You never said anything hurtful and you never failed to remind me that there was more to a marriage than having kids. Looking back now, I was just so hell bent on giving you a child that I failed to live in those moments and enjoy life to the best of my ability."
She sniffled. "Each time you said we could consider adoption, I actually got scared that I wasn't going to be good enough. That being unable to give you a child was not good enough."
Zayd wanted to curl up and cry. It hurt so badly. "Amal, no..."
She managed a light laugh. She tried to wave it off with a flick of her wrist. "It's fine. I'm alright now. It took me time to accept everything but I've done that now. Like you always say, Allah knows best so we just have to trust him."
He nodded. He reached into his pocket to pull out two handkerchiefs and handed one to her. "Yeah, that's true."
She took the handkerchief from him and they wiped away their tears. She laughed again. "This wasn't supposed to be this emotional."
"I'm actually glad we're getting things said." He meant every word. "We should totally do this more often."
She offered him a teary smile. "Yeah?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
"The next one will be bigger than this, don't worry." She laughed while he smiled and then she flipped the page of her notepad. "I'm going to take you back to your birthday two years ago. The same one when I got photo albums which I wanted us to fill up with happy memories so we could look back on when days got hard. Do you remember?"
He nodded. "I do. It didn't really end on a positive note."
"It didn't. I'm glad we had that conversation though. Sure, back then it was really painful but you meant well. You always do."
He could only give her a small smile and she continued. "You already know I went to Athena the following day to hang out with the girls and well, there was a lot we spoke about. I offloaded almost everything and they had the nicest – and realistic – advices. Then when I asked if IVF and adoption were my only options, Asma mentioned polygamy. She and the others dissuaded me from it though but it wasn't that easy to shake off. That evening, when I went to Garki, I spoke with Mama and she made me see reason. Polygamy, simply because I wanted you to have your own kid, was not going to end well for you, for me and for the lady that would have come in."
It took a lot for Zayd to stay quiet and keep breathing. His heart though was about to burst out of his chest.
"That night, you and I made up and it was all good after that. Then we got started on getting an IVF done. Then Feenah told us about her and Mukhtar and then our IVF didn't work. It was heart-breaking but we pulled through. Then Asma got pregnant, again."
In his mind, the memories played like a movie. It felt as though everything happened only yesterday.
"Then came Feenah's graduation and then –" She blew out a small breath. "Then the issue with Emeka and the whole aftermath."
For a moment, Zayd's emotions were pushed aside and replaced with rage. His hands balled into loose fists. "Let's not talk about that please."
Amal gave him a small smile. "We're just skipping through it, don't worry." She sighed and went on. "Then Eid, then your birthday. That party I threw, it helped in taking my mind off the fact that we still didn't have a kid and you weren't getting any younger."
His heart went back to being a painful mess. "Oh Amal..."
"I'm okay, I swear. I got through it then too...Anyways, we know how the rest of that year goes; Asma revealing she's having a boy, Mukhtar coming to ask for Feenah's hand in marriage, Asma's baby shower and then Hussayna's pregnancy. Then we got another IVF cycle done but that didn't stay, just like the other babies we lost."
Zayd sniffled and wiped his tears away. Amal smiled sadly and carried on.
"Then Feenah got married and we were forced to see that she's no longer the little Feenah we knew. You were the most affected. You were in disbelief until after the Daurin Aure when you had to face reality."
He gave her a watery smile. "You say that as if you weren't in disbelief too."
She laughed. "True, I was. We all were. I feel like we still are."
"But it's not as bad as it used to be."
She nodded. "That's true..." Her smile slowly disappeared. "As at that time, I had some thoughts about polygamy."
His heart – whatever was left of it – dropped. "Amal, we already –"
"You should really hear me out, Sa'ed. Let's get everything out once and for all."
He couldn't bring himself to say anything to that so he apprehensively stayed quiet, listening. Amal continued.
"I wasn't still a hundred per cent sure about it but I already had these scenarios that played out in my head, especially when I walked into one of the unoccupied rooms upstairs. Each time I thought about all of it, I asked myself if I could really share you with someone else. I couldn't bring myself to talk about it with anyone else because I wasn't sure anyone was going to understand so I spoke about it with Allah instead, each time I prayed and each time it just crossed my mind."
She paused to sniffle and then she continued. "I asked you to tell me about adoption in that same period and you ended up sending me this really beautiful brochure. Even though you said you got it somewhere off the internet, you and I know you created that brochure from start to finish, Sa'ed."
On a normal night, he would have smiled bashfully. However, this was not a normal night and what he felt was nowhere near bashful. He couldn't even bring himself to smile.
"I kept asking about adoption and I noticed how it made you kind of happy. I know it had to do with that fact that I was considering another option rather than being fixated on what was wrong with my reproductive system. However, what you didn't know was that I asked about it as much and I did because I wanted it to appeal to me the way it appealed to you and to everyone else. I thought if I heard about it often, my heart would soften towards it and I will be sure that's what I want but..." She gently shook her head. "It didn't, Sa'ed. Yes, you painted a beautiful image for me each you spoke about it but, I just couldn't bring myself to like it. If anything, polygamy only appealed to me more."
He remembered vividly everything that came next. "And then you started asking those questions."
She nodded, using the handkerchief to wipe away her tears. She sniffled. "I did. When you asked if I was thinking about polygamy for us, I panicked and the first thing that came to my mind was to tell you that I was just being curious. I was being curious, I swear it, but my curiosity had gone deeper than anyone knew."
Zayd could only stare at her. She stared right back.
"Then Hussayna gave birth to Nana and then you went to Singapore and on the day you came back, we were expecting our fifth baby. As at that time, my head was a mess. There was so much going on and I seemed to be the only one who noticed."
"So much like what, Amal?"
Her smile was painfully beautiful and once again he was reminded that no matter what emotion she was experiencing, she was always going to be ethereal.
"For starters, between Ramadan and that particular day, everyone stopped talking about adoption or about anything else. It was as if the topic never came up before that. You can think back to that period, Sa'ed, you'll see it too."
It was startling for Zayd to realize that she was right. He couldn't remember the last time they spoke about adopting or anything related. He pushed down the lump in his throat. "Amal..."
"There were more scenarios in my head and each time I prayed, I had these dreams that were so similar to the mental images. And then there was this laughter that wouldn't leave my head. It was always so clear. Then there was this dream I had with you in it too."
"Amal –"
"I know you're going to tell me that they were just dreams and stuff like that but I'm getting somewhere, I promise. Please just trust me."
Despite not being sure he wanted to, Zayd nodded. "Okay."
She smiled gratefully. "Thank you." She sniffled. "So we got pregnant and it was really scary because of the trauma of our past miscarriages. You were a solid rock for me, Sa'ed. I really don't know where I'd be right now if you hadn't been my side all along."
"You're a solid rock for me too, Amal. You know that."
She had to take a moment just so she didn't end up succumbing to her tears. She slowly blew out a breath. "After Jumm'ah that day, I prayed for Allah to give us the best; for Him to keep the baby if it was the best for us and for Him to take the baby away if it was the best for us. I know a lot of people are going to frown at me for that prayer but I think four miscarriages were enough for us to know that you always have to put it at the back of your mind that anything could happen."
He nodded. "True."
She sniffled. "I don't want to go deep into the details of the last pregnancy but I was – and I still am – grateful for every moment of it even though that laughter in my head didn't leave nor did some of scenarios." She swallowed. "Then the miscarriage happened and the only reason I cried that day was because everyone else cried."
She let out a small laugh. "I was actually content with how everything played out and something inside me died that day. It eventually led to me deciding I don't want to get pregnant again." She blew out a small breath. "I spoke about it with Hussayna and I eventually mustered up the courage to tell you the half-truth recently, when I told you I wanted to get an implant. I didn't get the implant temporarily like I told you. I plan on changing every three years because I don't want to get pregnant again. Five lost babies are enough, Sa'ed. I can't do that again. I hope you understand."
He nodded, crying just as she was. He didn't think she knew how strong of a woman she was. "I understand, Amal. I support the decision wholeheartedly."
She wiped away her tears. "Thank you."
"You don't have to do that but you're welcome."
They took a minute to regain composure and then Amal sighed. "Recovering after the last miscarriage was easy and I prayed to Allah a lot, continuously asking Him for the best in every step we would take after that." She paused briefly. "Then I asked for us to have lunch at Athena." She gave him a small smile, holding his gaze steadily. "We know all that has happened after that."
Zayd immediately felt like a criminal, his emotions swirling into one that was aimed at drowning him. "Amal, we should stop."
She shook her head. "I think it's better we finish this up, Sa'ed. That way we won't be left with regrets for not saying things when we had the chance to."
He was barely holding it together. "Amal –"
"Please," Her voice broke. "I'm begging you, Sa'ed."
He was scared and she was too. They had reached a boundary she wanted them to cross while he wanted to turn around and flee. There was no going back if they stepped over it and Zayd wasn't sure he was ready. He didn't think he was ever going to be ready.
However, Amal deserved that much so he swallowed and nodded. "Very well."
She closed the notepad and put it on the ground, right beside her chair. Then she uncrossed her legs and placed her clasped hands on her laps.
"We met Hanan Sufyan. Actually, I saw her and I pushed you towards her." She smiled. "I don't know why she caught my attention that day but when she walked in, I just couldn't turn away from her." She laughed. "Is that what people mean when they say 'I fell for you at first sight'?"
"Most probably."
"There was something about her and all I could do was watch her every move. I blocked everyone else out. I remember telling myself that she looked really pretty. She was on the smaller side." Her smile was cute. "I found it adorable."
Zayd listened, his emotions still swirling while fear clawed at his chest.
"When they came to take her drink order, I prayed for her to take the Mojito so you can imagine how proud I was when she did. She got comfortable and it was nice to watch her curiously look around when she wasn't busy with her phone. Then she got nervous and her smile disappeared." She pointed at herself. "I felt it and all I could hope for was that she did not get stood up by the people she was to meet. When you returned to the table, you were so worried because I was getting emotional over someone we had never met."
He nodded. "Yeah, I was really worried." He cleared his throat to get rid of the rasp. "It wasn't normal."
"I can't explain it no matter how much I think about it. I ended up pushing you towards her and before I left for the restroom you were already getting her to smile. I really appreciated that and I was glad I sent you her way." She slouched slightly. "Unfortunately, I had to pull you away because sugar karma was a bitch that decided to bite me then. When you spoke about her that night, it was really beautiful and I liked that, Zayd. I really did."
His tears resurfaced and she smiled again before she continued.
"As fate would have it, she got posted to your company and you happened to be there on that first day of hers. According to what you told me, you went out of your way just to check in on her. As far as I know, the only women you go out of your way for are our mothers, your sisters, me and then once in a while, Summayya. My friends too and you don't do so much, but you did so for a woman you had met once and that was where it all started from, I guess."
He lowered his head and she kept going, having an idea of all he felt.
"You always spoke about her, wondered how she was doing and stuff like that. Sometimes you didn't even know you were doing it."
He felt worse with each passing second. "I'm sorry."
"You did nothing wrong, Zayd, so you don't have to apologize for anything."
She let the words hang for a minute and then she continued.
"Anyways, I kept praying and you and Hanan got closer. You praised her a lot and you spoke about her a lot. I kept track of everything, Sa'ed, because you were happy and I was happy. I loved the fact that once in a while, you two spoke about me. I felt special; really, really special."
He really didn't want to continue. "Amal..."
"Then we all met in your office and then I asked you to describe her before I left for Malaysia. I'm not sure why I asked that question that night but I know that listening to the way you described her was nice."
"Amal..."
"Do you know that laughter I heard in my head all this time belongs to Hanan? I found out that day in your office."
Zayd found it hard to breathe. "W-what?"
"And do you know that on the day I was leaving Accra back in 2017 – the same day we lost our second baby, I ran into her?" Her smile was so small. "I'm quite she sure she doesn't remember. I only remembered it on the day I returned from Malaysia. I ran into someone the same way I ran into her and the memory came back."
If Zayd was as fair as she was, he would have been as white as sheet. Amal smiled at him and continued. "And do you know that those comments I showed you because they were nice, they're all from her? I didn't notice until yesterday...She's been in our lives longer than this year, Sa'ed, and if we're to be on a levelled field, you and I know we want her to be in our lives longer, even better than we are right now."
His eyes were glassy and his voice sounded so foreign to his own ears. "Amal..."
She blew out a breath. "I'm going to ask you a question, Zayd. I want you to be completely honest with me and with yourself too. Can you promise to do that?"
His chest constricted painfully to near suffocation. There was no going back after what she was going to ask and they both knew it. He sniffled before he nodded. "I promise."
The minute that passed was tense. Amal held his gaze as the words slipped past her lips. "You're falling in love with Hanan, aren't you?"
If he was glass, he cracked then and excruciatingly slowly, he broke. In his head, everything moved like snippets of a movie he'd been putting off; Jonathan asking if he was sure he wasn't falling for Hanan and then everything he'd learned about Hanan in the time they'd spent together.
Hanan who loved rice even more than he did, preferred eating junk at the most random stops to dining at places like Sheraton and even Athena, loved to laugh and said she found everything involving nature beautiful. Hanan who loved to drive but hated Abuja drivers because they sped a lot just because they had nice roads which had motivated him to get his driver to pick her up when he could not do so even though she complained more than half the time. Hanan who got excited at the littlest interior detail but hated studying blueprints although she had a master's degree in Architecture, whose every detail amazed him and whose smile made him feel warm. Hanan who called him Sa'ed just once but left an impression he still had not gotten over. Hanan whose silence had him rethinking everything and had his thoughts spiralling to the extent that the only person he could think about when he wasn't overthinking was Amal.
Hanan who he had fallen for from the very start; right there on table fourteen in Athena.
Amal, who watched him go through every single emotion, saw the realization dawn on him and then the fear that came with it. She smiled through her tears. "You have your answer, Sa'ed. I just want you to stop running away from it."
Zayd slowly raised his head and his eyes met hers.
"I don't hate the fact that you like her." She told him, her voice soft and laced with every ounce of sincerity. "As crazy as it might sound, I like it and I know that's Allah easing everything for us. I'll be honest with you. I want you to be with her because she makes you happy and she makes me happy too. I know you are going to try to argue and say that you're okay with just me and that she's going to be okay with someone else but you'll only end up hurting yourself if you do that, Zayd. And if my suspicions are right, you're going to end up hurting her too."
Zayd buried his face in his hands as he further snapped in two. The breakdown was inevitable and they both knew it. Amal quickly got her words out. "I'm rooting for the both of you, Sa'ed. I know I can't force you to take her in but if you think it through, pray about it, and then decide to do so, I want you to know that you have my full support. You're always going to have it. I can be that selfless for you."
He began to cry and she unclipped her microphone before she stood. She walked over and knelt in front of him, gently taking his hands in hers. It was so painful to see him broken and vulnerable. He was always the stronger one of them both, except on rare occasions like the day in Sweden when he'd gotten a different hotel room because he couldn't be strong for her like he wanted to.
She smiled at him. "I love you, okay? I'm always going to do so. It's never going to change whether she's in the picture or not. That's all I wanted to tell you, Sa'ed. That's why I asked us to have this interview, so we could get things out of the way once and for all."
He could not speak and with a sigh, she stood and hugged him, placing a soft kiss on his head that rested against her middle. They stayed there for the longest time, barriers crossed and defences broken, the camera still recording.
In Lugbe, Hanan was fast asleep. She had a throw pillow hugged tightly to her chest while a side of the pillow her head rested on was soaked with tears.
~~*~~
The first time I wrote this book (back in early 2022), I told myself Amal has to be the best woman I've created. She's beautiful, she's selfless, she's wonderful and God, she's so strong. She's everything I want to be like and so much more.
Some people might say that no one can be this selfless this real life but I'd like to argue. I've heard about women who are even more selfless than Amal. They're rare but they exist and I pray they continue to be blessed wherever they are because they deserve everything good.
Also, I don't think Zayd has ever cried this much before. It's so heartbreaking but well, it had to happen. There's going to be angst for a little more (I think one more chapter or so) and then we'll slowly get back on the path of happiness. I cannot promise, however, that the path to happiness is very smooth. I shall say nothing else.
To the Muslims reading, Jumm'ah Mubarak. Don't forget to recite Suratul Kahf. To the non-Muslims, happy weekend! We all get to rest. God, this week was a lot. Also, my exams went well just in case you're wondering. I am more than happy that we are done with it.
Anyways, here's me praying they bring the light soon. I'll see you all later.
Bye!