!!!Trigger warning!!!!
This chapter will contain descriptions of self harm. Reader discretion is HIGHLY advised. *** will indicate the beginning and end of said triggers. Feel free to skip those parts or the entire chapter if you feel uncomfortable in anyway. Although I will be censoring the act of self harm, it will be mentioned afterwards.
I knew it was a bad idea as soon as I did it, but that didn't stop me. My heart aches unbearably in my chest, as I give my best attempts at being quiet. I press my face into a small throw pillow to suffocate my sobs. My back against the wall. My vision is blurry as I stare at my screen that shines brightly under my gaze.
Don't get used to lover boy. He will realize just how worthless you are and then you'll be begging to come back to me. I wouldn't be surprised if he was just using you for the only thing you're good for, and that's just being a hole to fill in case you're too dense to realize. No one can stand to be around you. Not even your own fucking parents wanted to be involved with someone as worthless as you.
I scan the short paragraph over what feels like a million times, trying to convince myself that it was nothing but empty words. But I can't seem to talk myself off the ledge. I broke my own heart. Stupidly logging into my email, not even thinking that Jasper would exhaust all options in attempts to reach me. I should have just deleted it as soon as I saw his name pop up, not once but several times. That wasn't even the worst of them, but the one that hit the deepest. He knew exactly how far he was digging in the knife and had no problem twisting it on its way in.
The rooms suddenly begins to feel tight, like the walls move closer with each heave of breath I sharply take in. At this point the tears have completely fogged my whole line of vision. As much as I've told myself his words hold no ground, and he's just a cold and callous man, I can't stop myself from believing them. He loved me, or at least I thought he did, so why would he want to hurt me like this? He knows exactly what low blows to take, and he's careless in doing so.
Worthless
Worthless
Worthless
The one word replaying on an infinite loop in my mind. Even when he's thousands of miles away he somehow finds a way to weasel himself back into my head. Knowing exactly what evils seeds to plant into my brain, watering them with cruel intentions. Just when I thought I was getting my life back on track, he reminds me just how useless I truly am. Carefully, I stand. Feeling all the strength depleting from my limbs but some how finding enough to quietly exit the room. Noah's sleeping on his bed, ignorant to the suffering that I have instilled on myself. The last thing I want to do is disturb him, he deserves his peace.
I make my way to the kitchen, flipping the switch to illuminate the room. I walk over to Noah's liquor cabinet, absentmindedly withdrawing the first bottle I can get my hands on. It just so happens to be a nearly full bottle of Hennessy, just strong enough to numb the unbearable suffering within me. I smile to myself as I remove the lid, throwing it away and taking a mouth full. It burns as it goes down. Numbing me almost instantly as it falls into my pit. I can't stop myself from grimacing at the awful taste, it lingers even long after I find a can of coke to wash it away with. It's almost too gross to stomach, almost. The foul taste doesn't stop me from throwing back several more mouthfuls, taking the nearly full bottle and turning it empty in a matter of ten minutes. I don't even have enough time to process my actions before I fall drunk. I crossed my fingers that the alcohol would numb me , even just a little bit. Enough to help me forget about the pain in my chest that's aches my entire being. Despite my attempts being half successful, it wasn't enough. Wasn't enough to stop the fucking noise.
"I'm so goddamn pathetic" I say to myself as the tears start to flood to my eyes once again. I'm able to hold them back as I begin to make my way outside.
It's surprisingly warm for 2am. A light breeze whirls around me, being the only sound in the otherwise uncharacteristically quiet atmosphere. My shaky legs lead me over to a chair, and I plop myself down into it. I was poorly mistaken when I assumed that moving forward with Noah would cure all my problems. When in reality it was like putting a bandaid over a bullet hole. It slowed down the bleeding, but eventually the small safety was ripped away and I was left to bleed again. I lost my love for Jasper a long time ago, I just never realized until recently. I should have known the jig was up when I found myself counting down the hours until he left for work, not eager when six rolled around and he was headed back home. Or when It felt like a task to do anything with him, as simple as a kiss and as complex as sex all made me feel like I was injecting poison into my skin.
With that being said, it still didn't make it easier to hear how he truly felt about me. He said what he needed to say to provoke something within me, and he was successful in his attempts.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Noah's green and white colored carton of smokes, and without thinking I grab them from the small metal table they're placed on. I withdrawal one from the open pack, the smell of minty tobacco filling my senses as I bring one white stick to my mouth. I extend my thumb down against the cold metal of the lighter, flicking it to ignite the fire. I bring the flame up to the end of the cigarette and watching as the white paper turns to ash. The thick hot smoke quickly fills my throat, warming up my chest as I inhale it deeply. In my entire 23 years of life I have never even considered picking up the habit. But as the toxic smog fills all my senses and releases through my nose, it's almost as if all my worries fly away in the wind with it. It doesn't take me long to suck it down to the butt, watching as the embers slowly burn their way down.
***
I don't know what comes over me, but I can't stop myself from exposing the front of my forearm. With my right hand tightly gripping the still burning end of my cigarette, I force the red hot embers into the exposed flesh. It stings through out the entirety of my arm, the heat seemingly burning down to the bone. Rational thinking tries to take over and pull away from the fire, but I don't allow myself to do so. I forcefully dig it in deeper, waiting until I know the lit end is long longer glowing before pulling away. I let it sit for a moment, watching as the red hot end disappears the further I push it in. Dead center in the middle of the only tattoo that stains my otherwise clean skin.
***
My skin screams bright red, as an instant welp begins to form in the center of my arm. If it wasn't for the ungodly amount of coniac that pumps through my system I'm sure I'd be a sobbing mess on the ground from the immense pain. It felt good. Amazing even. To finally be in control of my own pain.
"Roni.." Noah's voice snaps me out of my trance, causing me to quickly drop my arm and turn myself to face him.
"Hey" I know my voice is shaky, but I try my best to seem okay.
"What's going on?" His question comes out strained, as the sleepiness tries to take over. I can tell he wasn't ready to get up yet, as he palms his eye violently and strains to keep the yawns down.
"N-nothing. Just needed some air" I catch my stammer before it gets too bad, hoping he doesn't catch onto my tell.
He slowly starts to walk towards me, taking his time to observe me as he makes his hesitant approach. I try to tuck away my afflicted arm by crossing it over my chest, I picked the wrong time to wear a short sleeve shirt to bed. He's silent as he reaches me, towering over me so largely it makes me feel ten times smaller than I am. I can tell he's working up the courage to speak on what's apparent that he already knows.
"What happened, baby" it comes out almost defeated as he crouches down to be eye level with me.
I try to hold back the tears and keep up the facade, but it's useless. As soon as I see the sincere luster in his eyes the jig is up and the tsunami of tears start to fall from my eyes. Instead of attempting to speak between the thick sobs that escape from my mouth, I hand him my phone that already has the unsolicited emails pulled up for him to view. He takes the device from me. Carefully, he begins to scan his eyes across the screen. I watch as his eyes bounce from left to right as he reads. The anger clear on his features as his nostrils begin to flare as each passing second goes by. It feels as if it takes longer than it should for him to read over the messages, taking his time to absorb every vile thing he said to me. When he's finally done he places my phone on the ground, face down, before bringing his attention back to me. Eyes locking with mine.
"First, I want to say I'm sorry. You don't deserve to have ANYONE be that disgusting towards you" he starts off gentle, but the more he speaks I can tell his anger is fighting to come through.
"Second, I know this may be cliche of me to say but you can't believe a damn thing he says to you. He knows exactly what he's doing by sending you these hateful messages. He's an abusive fuck that can't handle the fact that you're no longer allowing yourself to be his punching bag" he places a hand on my leg to comfort me, giving it a soft squeeze.
As true as I know that his words are, I can't stop myself from doubting him. There's a tiny voice in the back of my head that nags me to no end. Constantly reminding me of how flawed I truly am. If it's an evident enough fact for someone who's supposed to have loved me at one point to constantly point out, then why wouldn't it be true? Maybe he is right. My mother probably did leave because she figured id be a waste of space. I don't remember much about her, or why she even decided to vanish out of my life. But maybe, just maybe, she knew. Perhaps Noah never fought for our friendship because it wasn't never worth saving. It was probably a huge burden to bare to put up with the poor sad girl whose mommy ran off and daddy died of cancer. Poor pitiful Veronica.
"Hey, what's going on up there" I feel Noah's hand cradle my face as he speaks to me slowly.
His voice pulls my from my thoughts and causes my eyes to advert back to his. Seeing his large brown pools twirl with an unseeable emotion.
"Do you really what to know?" I ask, feeling a wave of sobs creep up in the back of my throat.
"Always" he says
"Maybe he's right. Everyone left me because I'm just unloveable. My mom probably knew deep down that I wouldn't amount to much. The universe just had to take my fucking dad from me. And maybe.. you just gave up because that was easier than fighting for someone who wasn't even worth it" I blame my sudden honesty on the liquor. Normally I'd bite it back and just blame it on a bad dream or PMS. But I can't find it in me to be dishonest anymore. As painful as the truth is, holding it all in for so long stung a lot worse.
"Roni, baby. No don't think that way" he pleas as he comes up to wrap me into his arms.
I can't control the heavy sobs as I bury my face into his shoulder, getting his shirt soaked with tears. We don't speak, he just hold me closely and rocks our bodies back and forth. His hands drawing circles on my back as he every so often whispers encouraging words into my ear.
It's okay
Let it out
Time and time again Noah proved to me that no matter what he was always willing and able to pick me up when I fell. Even though I believe I'm far from worthy of his compassion he doesn't hesitate to give me all of his selfless mercy. It makes me ache with regret to know that he's soothing me because I was inflicted by the malice words of my ex fiancé. I should be past this, I should brush it off and not even give it the time of day. But something inside of me is broken, and it has been since far before I even knew who Jasper was. All he did was aid in breaking me completely. Maybe it was the fact that I always, deep down, felt unlovable. Like something was flawed within me to make me incapable of someone's unconditional affection. Like I was cursed to forever have every person I ever held close to me hurt me in some way or another.
After a moment I'm able to get control over the sadness, sucking away the tears enough to come off of Noah. He studies me for a moment, taking in my face then slowly dropping his eyes to my arm. I know he sees the swollen angry mark that beams bright red, I can tell by the sadness that radiates through his face as he brings his attention back to my face. Without speaking, he grabs ahold of my arm, exposing the self inflicted wound. He shakes his head slightly in dissatisfaction before bringing his mouth down to delicately pepper kisses along the raw flesh. I can't help but wince slightly at the contact, but soon being overcome with heart clinching pleasure at the sight.
"I'm sorry your feelings are so deep that you felt the need to do this" he whispers to me as he continues to try to kiss away the pain
"If you ever feel this badly, talk to me. I don't care what I'm doing. I'll always make time for you" it comes out desperate as he drops my arm and brings himself over to plant a tender kiss on my forehead.
I shake my head to agree, not being able to find my voice to reply. Truthfully I'm shocked, too much so to even form a verbal response. Noah has comforted me in my weakest moments before, even one's similar to this. Where my dark and twisted mind gained control and caused me to take the pain out on myself. It's a shameful admission, that I'm so weak at times that I mutilated my own body. Even on my worst days where I felt like I was walking alone in the dark, Noah was always the light at the end of the tunnel. Guiding me through the most treacherous of storms, being my calm in the waters.
"Let's go back to bed, before all that Henney makes you sick" he gives me a half hearted grin, knowing he blew my cover.
I agree, allowing him to stand to his own feet and assist me in following suit.
Once we make it to his room we lay under the covers together, Noah quickly wrapping me into his arms. He makes it a point to tighten his grip around my midsection, resting his chin into my neck.
"Goodnight, my sweet girl" is the last thing he says to me before I feel his breathing become shallow and his body get heavy against my own.
Goodnight, my light
—-
It's so bittersweet to be slowly approaching the end of this story. I have truly poured my heart and soul into every chapter. I love you guys so much for the continued support. Nearly 6k reads!!
-XXJ