Please please comment critique and vote I get so wilded out that someone would chose to read my writing and love to hear your thoughts
AN!
- I might delete this since I literally just wrote it totally without planning just book wrote and publish anyways uh enjoy , btw don't assume you know because of this where it's going the twists and turns will be thrown in this story
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Jungkook had committed to practice dillegently for the week following that incomplete exam .
The boys didn't ask too hard , Jin secretly threw away the congratulations cupcakes trying to swallow the thought that it was really just a half baked attempt to manifest .
So they threw away their plans their cupcakes their comeback date and threw themselves into rehearsal for their third time delayed undated album .
Management organised a meeting - they had a backup plan to do a surprise album with no teaser no warning just a drop of the bomb.
The boys went quiet at the suggestion
" no marketing ?"
" yeah like Beyoncé "
" we're not Beyoncé "
The manager grimaced his eyes smiling in strained sympathy as if to say that's our only option
And jungkook shrunk feeling the stares of the boys around
" Jungkook is there any chance you passed ?"
Finally someone asked
The boy stared blankly " I - I'm not sure ,"he quietly spoke . He hated this , with every fibre of his being . Jungkook was built on that effortless perfection on being the best on never failing and here he had to expose his biggest failure , his own humiliating stupidity . This huge fucking lie of golden maknae was splitting at the seams .
For two weeks it went like that awaiting the exam result that would come out in two weeks more . The stupid call times the inevitable delays the useless practices the ridiculous advertisements- and that silent elephant in the room
How much longer can we wait for him to pass this test .
He hadn't felt a second of peace since this stupid law , every moment his heart felt weak - like it was being stepped on as he stumbled around his members shyly . He tried to compensate he tried to dance harder and sing better and do the last scene for each filming and clean the plates . He did everything they said everything they wanted - but he knew it wasn't enough . Who cares how good he was , he was the reason a staff of 100 people had to delay three times now .
Three strikes and your out jungkook scrunched his eyes each night that thought taunting him as he tried as hard as he could to sleep
" hes embarrassed " jhope whispered to jimin one evening as jungkook feigned sleep " he needs time to get over it -"
" I don't want to do a comeback without him hyung -"
" we don't know maybe he did pass -" yoongi had added
And then there was silence . The conversation died and jungkook softly breathed in the imitation of sleep he hadn't peacefully gotten in 14 nights feeling the stares of 12 eyes on him
—-
It was the fifteenth day
Jungkook stared at his cereal silently his hair a mess his face pale and expressionless his puffy eyes seemed blank as the early morning sun dashed across his eyes that were still bloodshot red
Last night wasn't a good night .
Most nights weren't - most of them were filled with an increasingly heavy numb emptiness that filled his mind .
but last night was the first really bad night - where he couldn't just forget , where it wasn't numb emptiness he felt . It was real . sharp .tight . pain .
It started at the dinner table as Namjoon scribbled groceries on a note pad trying to remember the list before in typical namjoon style he broke the lead .
A radiating pain behind jungkooks eye balls sparked at that moment - and for some reason he felt like the clock was louder than usual... like a metronome - and his hoodie felt too small like a blazer and the chair was too hard and was namjoon wearing womens perfume and
Is that permission
The boy stood up suddenly .
" Jungkook ?"
Namjoon noted the slight sheen of sweat on the boy who's eyes seemed like they were somewhere else
"- uh ..huh?"
" why did you just stand up ?"
" I .. I uh , can i ...I'm going to " the youngers face screwed up
" to ?"
"... practice " jungkooks hand subtly spread over his stomach under his hoodie , he felt a nauseating acidic rolling feeling " can I go practice -"
"Jungkook .. you don't need my permission to go practice ,"
Jungkook stared at namjoons face a second too long at that ,
- is that permission ... he shook his head but it only made the migraine worse
" yeah okay - Im going then . To go practice "
Namjoon tried to read the younger but it was impossible - of all the thoughts clouding his eyes there only seemed to be one thing he could interpret
Guilt .
Namjoon scoffed as the younger scuttled away - jungkook couldn't keep a secret for his life , and that face ; that guilty paranoid nervous everyone knows expression his eyes namjoon was used to all too well - right back to when he was obviously lying about being sick to get out of singing to sponsors as a shy 14 year old to now .
Namjoon smiled " practice huh?" He whispered to himself getting a new pencil - tutting " he just failed a test and he's already sneaking some puppy crush around .. "
" I give him untill tomorrow morning before he breaks -" yoongi appeared out of nowhere namjoon yelped " he can't hide anything can he ," the elder smiled
" nope , I wonder who the lucky girl is ."
" guess we'll find out tomorrow morning ,"
" 20 bucks Shes a trainee -"
" come onnnn it's probably a staff he's never spoken to ,"
The hyungs bickered away
Later jungkook spent 2 hours in the shower - taehyung didn't say anything when jungkook got out the bathroom finally eyes transfixed on the floor , his skin scolding red .
He tried , he really tried to manage his mind - to have a relaxing 10 minute mental health shower or whatever his ridiculous school counsellor would have him call it . It turned into a 2 hour game of burning himself ...this must be some weird compulsion loop - the more he showered the dirtier he felt , the dirtier he felt the hotter he turned the water -the hotter he turned the water the more everything that wasn't burning felt dirty. so he kept showering and he kept turning it hotter and hotter before he knew it he was testing how much he could handle .
It didn't change anything ... it didn't change that his mind wasn't blocking anything out - it was frozen and scattered like there was something wedged into the gears of his head that screwed up the churning of present moment . instead he was stuck , a scratched up disk that kept suddenly rewinding and skipping and repeating the same scenes over and over refusing to play properly .
Jungkooks brain was a stupid bootleg scratched DVD
Is that permission
He banged his head against the shower wall
Is that permission
Is that permission
How'd the exam go
How'd the exam - fucking pathetic
Is there any chance you passed
Is that permission
You don't need my permission to go
Fucking pathetic
Jungkook oemma loves you
The boys wet red hand desperately turned the water up hotter again
——
" food is for eating mirrors are for staring .." Jin chided and jungkook snapped out his thoughts
The boy looked up a bit lost his voice coming out in a morning voice croak before he could register it
" it doesn't taste good today .
" what ?"
Jungkooks fingers nervously clawed at the fabric of his pyjama buttons
" I don't want it -"
Jins own spoon full or rice paused his face scrunched up incredulously
" Jungkook -" the boys eyebrows knitted confused " don't be a child , it's the same coco pops as always -"
Jungkook pushed the bowl scrisd the table
" you can have it ."
Jin pushed the bowl back
" Jungkook no one else eats it ."
Jungkook looked down at the white milk and the coco pops floating in them before staring back up at Jin
" but I don't want it ."
The elders smile started to turn to turn strained as his eyebrows knitted in confusion
" I don't understand are you trying to be funny ? ."
" no -"
" Jungkook seriously it's 6 am I'm tired Don't be annoying -"
He sighed reaching for another spoon of rice before again he was interrupted
" I'm not trying to be annoying hyung "
Jins spoon of rice remained hovered in front of his mouth as he squinted his eyes at the younger
" then ?"
The younger boy again pushed his bowl away
" I don't want it "
Jin dropped his own spoon back at his bowl with a clang
" that's too bad ."
" I had a bad night -"
" am I supposed to beg you to eat cereal at 6 am Im not in a talky mood jungkook "
" but I had a bad night and -"
" we all had a bad night -"
" because ?"
" 10 MINUTES!" Jimin yelled from another room
" because you failed your test and we need to talk about it - jungkook we don't care how it went if you need a tutor or help then just -"
" no ."
" Jungkook eat your coco pops and stop being a child ."
" I don't want It hyung ."
"Jungkook ."
" I said no so -
The elder stood up " JUNGKOOK . " he snapped before he closed his eyes and inhaled " what's gotten into you ? Seriously your not a kid anymore just shut up and eat the food that you bought and made -"
" but -"
Jin glared at him (that , it's. 6 am don't fuck with me glare ) and jungkook stared back down
The boy looked up hair dishevelled and then back down at the cereal before he absent mindey picked up his spoon
Jimin poked his head in the room "guys we're leaving in te- uh what's going on ?"
Jungkooks spoon froze in his hand above the bowl and Jin groaned slumping into the chsir
" Jungkook is fighting with me about cereal -"
" we weren't fighting about cereal ?"
" Jungkook he's your hyung ."
" I just said I don't want to eat it -"
Jimin raised his eyebrow " Jungkook just shut up and eat -"
" no ."
Jimin rolled his eyes stepping out the room before he heard the sound of something crashing and shattering , liquid spilling metal clanging and Jin yelping as wood of a chair scrapped against the floor and thumped as it fell away
" JUNGKOOK -"
Jimin ran back to the kitchen before freezing . Jungkooks eyes were dead and angry , he was shaking . Jimins eyes tracked the explosion of milk and coco pops across the table down to the floor and wall to the ceramic bowl was shattered to the left of Jin - who was stood back by the door in shock
" what the hell Jungkook ." Jimin whispered " what did you just do ?"
" I said no ."
Jimin blinked registering the absurdity of the scene - that bowl he had definitely Thrown it at jins direction , surely it was so far left that he didn't mean for it to connect ? It didn't What was going on ..
" Jungkook calm down please ."
Jungkooks nose was running and his eyes were tear trapped like he couldn't see the boys in front of him
" what's gotten into you ?"
Jungkook picked up the glass half full of orange juice all of a sudden both boys flinched backwards
" JUNGKOOK !" Jin yelled " PUT THAT DOWN -"
Jungkook stared blankly at the cup raised in his hand like he hardly noticed it before turning and suddenly smashing it to the wall right by his left
Th glass and orange liquid exploded into shards and the boys yelled , the sounds of footsteps rushing through the house started
" WHAT THE FUCK JUNGKOOK -" jin screamed taking in the scene and jungkooks bloody hand ,His dishevelled hair and furrowed eyebrows like he himself was confused
" you - you .. you're the one .." the boy was crying his voice shaking , jimins heart thumped in his chest so loud he didn't even realise the rest of the members had stormed to the kitchen only to stop dead in their tracks at the scene in front of them
All lost for words
Jungkooks eyes looked lost as if they were searching for something before namjoon took a step forward and he regained that irrational anger in them hot tears streaming down his skin
" I SAID NO - AND YOU KEPT MAKING ME "
" what ? Making you what -" suga asked trying to read the scene for some sense
" EAT THE CEREAL!" Jungkook screamed finally enraged " AND I SAID I DIDNT WANT TO AND HE KEPT FUCKing-" the boys screams were shaking " SHE - he - FUCKING " and the words dissolved into sobs as he sat back down in the chair face down shoulders shaking
It was as if everyone was holding their breath
They had never seen such erratic behaviour out of nowhere let alone from perfect happy maknae jungkook whom they always praised for his emotional balance no matter what
Jimins heart banged even harder in his chest and he could shake this feeling of doom for some reason
Yoongi slowly stepped towards the boy , inching closer
The boy was sobbing loudly his face in his folded arms on that table strewn with glass and juice and cereal and milk
" Jungkook - please the glass ," jhope whispered
The boy groaned in his sobs his face still hidden his hand opened and all the boys screeched rushing forward as his palms and fingers grasped around the piles of glass shards crushing them into his hands adding a terrifying mix of heavy dripping and snaking blood onto the wooden canvas of this terrifying exhibition
The younger boy cried harder and harder as his hands grasped more tightly around the glass the members picking him up and pinning him to the wall as they tried to force open his hands - the boy shook and shook crying and crying and it seemed like his tears had no end
Taehyung grabbed the boys shirt
" JUNGKOOK SNAP OUT OF THIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING -"
Jungkook just sobbed weakly trying to push him back before sliding to the floor allowing them to rush around his hands
Jimin stayed standing as the boys frantically rushed around him and namjoon called the manager in panic
Jungkook simply sobbed caving in like a wilted flower into this eternal misery that has sprung from no where
" jungkook please what is going on -"
" I said no .. I said no -" Jungkook sobbed . Jin grabbed jimin he had been to afraid to get to close
" what's going on -" he whispered jimin simply grabbed his hand " I ... I don't know hyung ."
Jungkook screamed on the floor as namjoon locked his legs around his waist and his arms under the boys neck not chocking him but immobilising him In what looked like some jijitsu hold
Jungkook struggled and struggled clawing with his bloody arms at namjoons arms but he was too strong for anything to happen
" Jungkook calm the fuck down now -please don't do this ."
The younger whined as he cried trying to fight off the elder before he gave in a mess of sweat tears blood sobbing collapsing into the elders arms - the rage dissapainting into resignation and his clawing turned to clinging his back shaking against namjoons chest with the quiet heavy racking sobs
Namjoon half restraining half hugging him from behind
Jimins stomach was nauseous - they heard the running steps of the manager coming to the kitchen where they would see this scene this kitchen that looked like something out of a bad performance art piece
Jimin noted the painting around him
The whispered sorries from the boy The promise he wouldn't do this again don't tell the manager - namjoons angry face and heaving chest that wouldn't let him go
As the managers banged on the door the boys stared at the younger who stared at them with wide glittery eyes
"Don't - don't open it please -"
Taehyung furrowed his eyebrows and yoongi glanded at the door hesitantly
" don't open it don't hyung -" Jungkook whispered " please please ,"
- and this was that uncomfortable line where they could never define themselves public and private . They were a family of only children - the forces of reality banging against the door of the heart of what they play called their home ,
To Keep playing family or not ?
Jungkook wiped his tears " see see I'm okay now -" he croaked " I'm just I was just .. please don't they'll take me away we won't come back " yoongi stared at the boy - blood now subtly streaked where he wiped his eyes .
Jungkooks face turned sober " yoongi we will never come back if you do this -"
" OPEN UP RIGHT NOW -" their manager banged on the door
" I'm fine now okay I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm fine -"
Yoongi looked at his bleeding palm and their broken kitchen
" please -" he sobbed again " please I'll eat the cereal , I'll clean the kitchen , I'll pass the test anything please .."
Jungkooks hand kept dripping blood he was trying to fight of namjoons arm still - the other boys seemed ready to pin him down again at any movement
"I'll eat it okay I'll eat it I'll do anything you want -"
" Jungkook ..." jhope trailed away as the mangers got louder on the shaking door
The boy tried desperately to reach for the cereal strawn on the floor grabbing it with his palms and stuffing it in his mouth
" see ... see " he cried voice muffled with the food " don't - hyung they won't let me come back ,"
An inarticulable feeling emanated around the whole room
Jungkook later would say he felt it too -or rather ever the musician he heard his feelings
This one , this song this thick suffocating feeling between all of them
It was like the guttural toppling heavy shattering of a statue that broke in pieces
Jungkooks breath stuck in his throat at the clicking of that door ,
" hyung"
Brothers - that was a pretend word in their pretend home as soon as the statute toppled he was being discarded
maybe he was remembering that feeling that sound wrong first all the discord and chaos of a climaxing orchestra then this sharp pin prick note , the clicking door the feeling of his heart drop
it sounded piercing
like a canvas being ripped