PENELOPE
It's at six o'clock the next morning when I get the call of nightmares. It's Maggie and she wants to let me know she has feelings for my boyfriend.
I can't say it's a shock to hear her admit it, because I have thought she liked him for a while now, but that doesn't mean it didn't send me into a spiralling mess.
There's so much history there. It drives me to insanity, so I pick up the phone.
I call her back and she answers right away. "You say he slept over at your house the other week. Did anything happen?"
She doesn't even hesitate. "No."
My lungs deflate of all air. It's impossible to breathe. "It didn't?"
"I'm not about to sleep with a drunk man," she says like she believes she could in the first place. "But it could of turned out that way. Max got handsy, especially when I was putting him to bed."
Or maybe not for the fact he has a girlfriend either? And she put him to bed? What the fuck?
"Max wouldn't do that to me."
She laughs. "You don't know him. Not like me. There was a sea of women before you. Christ, you have no idea what he was like."
"No there wasn't. Why are you lying?" I ask,
"Lying? Penelope... how silly are you? The man is fucking gorgeous, he could have literally anyone. You obviously don't know about all the drunk one night stands I picked him up from, do you?" she snaps back.
No. I don't really think it appropriate for Max to share that bit of information with me considering it's before we were a thing and really quite hurtful.
My eyes fill with tears, chest growing tight. "Why are you so horrible to me? I never did anything to you."
"Because I don't like you with Max. You're not good for him. You trigger him," she says out of the blue.
My fingers grip the phone. "You know nothing about our relationship, Maggie."
She laughs. "I know more than you think I do. I know he wasn't sure about you in the beginning. We had long chats about it. Max was going to break up with you before you slept with him."
"We slept together before we were even a couple so I know that's a lie," I snap back, hating that she dragged that piece of private information from me. "You have no idea what I'm going through right now. I can really do without this."
She huffs. "We all have shit to deal with. I'm not having the greatest time of it either."
I'm so tired. Burnt out from all of this drama.
"Have you ever slept with Max, Maggie?" I ask her outright. Her constant need to medal shows a higher level of feeling.
The pause she gives is worrying, then she sighs. "No. Our relationship wasn't sexual when he introduced me to Derek. I just cared platonically. The level of alcohol he consumed scared me and after going through the same thing with my dad, I wanted to help him. Derek did too, but he died and now there's just me. Things shifted somewhere. My feelings aren't small. I'm in love with him."
I knew the alcoholism was there before Derek died, but I don't know why I always assumed his death to be the bigger trigger when it's clear his problems ran deeper than I first thought. The Military. It's extremely hard to get a peep out of him about his time in the army, but what he has shared is harrowing.
"And what do you plan to do with these feelings because I'm here to tell you that you need to back the hell off. That's my boyfriend you're talking about and it's disgusting you've felt this way so long and not let him know about it," I respond, voice shaking.
"Isn't it best I be honest?"
"No. You take those feelings to your grave, Maggie. When someone is in a happy relationship, you squash the love you feel. Yes, Max struggles, but we're getting through it together. It's our business and not yours. This is my final warning to stop messing with my relationship," I respond, wiping the tears that are dribbling down my face.
She huffs. "Are you threatening me?"
"Yes. This time I am. I'm sick to death of you pulling these stupid stunts. You're a thirty-year-old woman, not a teenager. I have had too many sleepless nights because of you, constantly going over why you don't like me and what I can do to change it, but I have realised I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter what you think because you're irrelevant. Goodbye."
I rest my phone on my lap after disconnecting the call, breathing hard into my hand. I let myself settle into my rage a while longer before dialling Max's number.
"Penny?" he says after a few rings.
"Maggie told me she's in love with you," I blurt out.
"Oh, no, wait... what?" he slurs and my heart bottoms.
"You're drunk, aren't you?"
He stumbles a second, things clanging down the line. "No... just give... second."
"Max," I whisper, sneaking out of the apartment when I hear movement coming from the guest room.
"Not... what you 'hink. Wait! 'uck!" he groans out in frustration.
Not what I think? He can barely string a sentence together.
"I just woke up," he groans out. "Taken a sleeping tablet."
I wait back a moment for him to collect himself, listening as he swears underneath his breath. There's the sounds of a tap and him gulping water before he sighs.
"What the hell is going on?" he asks, sounding more with it.
I push my back on the wall and slide all the way down until my bum hits the floor, catching him up to speed on everything.
"She thinks I got handsy with her?" he rages.
"That's what you've taken from that?" I ask, waiting patiently again as he processes it all.
He breathes out of his nose. "I had to go see my dad and as always, he ended up being a prick. Spending any time with him is a trigger for me, for the memories of him beating on me when I was a kid. I lost it when I left and drank an entire bottle of whiskey."
My shock is always present when he mentions his abusive father and at the sheer volume of alcohol he can knock back at once. I'm unsure of how to approach this one. "I need a break, Max." I can't deal with it all.
"What do you mean?" he rushes out.
"I don't know how to help you fix all of this and I'm tired. So tired," I say and he swallows loud.
"It's not your job to fix me, it's mine," he replies and he's right, but for me a relationship means supporting him too, but there really is only so much you can do for a person before you start losing yourself.
I hold my chest when it aches. "There must be a reason you always go to her when you're drunk."
He waits a second. "I don't fucking know why I do it."
"I want you to know staying over at her house after everything she's done to us feels unforgivable to me. It makes her admitting she loves you ten times worse," I reply, and he makes a string of panicked noises.
"I'll do better. I won't drink again. I swear to you. I won't," he says frantically.
"It's not that easy for you. You can't just stop, it clearly doesn't work. I'll pick you up forever, support you, but that's the problem. How can I allow myself to when you're disrespecting me like you are with Maggie?" I ask.
He's quiet for a moment, taking in my every word. "You shouldn't have to. This is on me."
"You slept over at her house. You went to her when you were drunk. You call on her at your most vulnerable. I think you need to take a long hard look at why you keep doing it," I respond, never having felt so much pain since my mum passed.
He makes a strange noise. "I don't know why. I just know I love you more than anything and it sounds like you're done with us."
"I'm only human. I can only take so much of this constant anxiety. I just can't get the image of her putting you to bed out of my head. What if something did happen and you blacked out?" It's not like it's a stupid question.
"I would never cheat on you, baby." When his voice breaks, it sends a hot stinging to my eyes.
"But I feel like you already did," I say, folding my free arm around myself.
"No I didn't," he raises his voice. "I would NEVER... the thought of touching anyone but you makes me sick. Why are you saying these things?"
"You knew how that woman made me feel yet you went and stayed at her house? Why are you not getting it? You went and trampled all of my boundaries at once. It's disgusting behaviour, Max," I say back.
"I was drunk," he whispers brokenly, like he's ashamed to say it any louder.
"Not an excuse anymore. I don't care if your drunk or sober. It's still not okay behaviour and something I won't accept."
"Do you love me?" he begs.
I swallow the growing lump in my throat. "More than anything in this world."
He gasps. "Then please," when he breaks off into a sob, my heart shatters, "please don't give up on me. I'll do more. I'll go to rehab. Anything! Just please don't leave me."
"Max." It's impossible not to break down too.
"I could never want anyone else. Not when I have you. The way you lift up my life. Make me feel fucking human after years of feeling lost. I'm not letting you go," he all but shouts, panting now.
It's hard then, to put my foot down because he's telling me all the right things and the love I have in my heart for him thrives at hearing it.
When I'm silent he lets out cough that sounds like he's choking on the emotion. "I'm coming to you. Ain't no way you're breaking up with me over a phone call in another country. No."
"We fly back on Monday, don't be ridiculous. The flight alone costs as much as both our monthly mortgages."
He huffs. "It's two days too long."
I frown. "It'll almost take you that to get here."
"When it's you telling me you're leaving; I would travel forever. Do you understand that, Penelope?"
"I do," I say, swamped with so much emotion it makes it hard to breathe. "It doesn't mean I can just forget, though. A break doesn't mean we're over, it just means some space."
"To work out why you want to leave," he responds, breathing unsteady. "Fuck!"
The sudden gasping noises send me into a spin, the sounds of him gasping and coughing horrific. I try to get him to speak to me, but he's in pure panic mode.
"Panic attack," he gasps, breathing erratic. "Gonna pass out."
I run back into the flat to the sitting room to grab my dad's phone, dialling James's number. When he answers, I tell him what's happening, knowing already that he would rush round to Max's house without any questions.
I'm unsure if they're still working through their argument, but when Max hears me say his best friend is on his way, he can only choke on a thank you.
"Is there anything in your room that starts with the letter B?" I ask, thinking this panic attack couldn't have come at a worse time for both of us.
Max starts gagging. "Don't know! My chest!"
I tap my foot without thinking, willing James to get there quicker. Then Max whimpers a soft word and I breathe a sigh of relief. We go on like this for a while with me saying random letters and him playing along.
"Where you at, Max?" James's worried voice finally echoes.
Max's breathing is stable now, but he's croaky and tired. "Bedroom. Don't go Penny... you're still there aren't you?"
"I'm still here," I reply, hearing my heartbeat in my ear. A dizzying fog flooding in as I sit here and wonder if I'm capable of always being the strong one.
James makes a grunting noise. "God, you're a heavy lump. What's going on with your legs?"
Max grunts back. "I can move myself."
They scuffle around and James makes a song and dance about warning him before he has to see Max's 'junk'. I can only imagine he was sleeping nude and didn't warn his mate before he yanked the duvet off. It's quite amusing, actually as they bicker like an old married couple.
"I took a sleeping tablet. It's wearing off. God, who's that banging on my door?" Max asks him as the banging grows louder and I put the phone down when I hear Maggie's name.
Now, I'm rushing down the hallway towards the flat entrance to get some fresh air, not realising until my feet touch the grass of the small park across the road that I left my phone behind. I'm getting oh so tired of fighting. Of being understanding of something I will never understand.
This is the last blow.
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Thank you for reading! <3