Clara had me over for dinner which was basically leftovers from yesterday and now we were sat around the table having pastéis de nata and tea which paired well together. The entire time, we were stealing glances at each other and have even caught each other staring a few times but we didn't say anything. We haven't seen each other in so long so it was natural to be curious. Never did I think we'd reconnect after so long and there was so much I wanted to ask but I didn't want to overwhelm her.
I asked how she liked it in Portugal. All her life, she's moved from country to country. It must be strange to be in one place for so long but that's all she ever wanted.
"I love it here but feel like I've not had the chance to properly explore it," she answered. "The weather is nice and it's a beautiful place. Life is slow here but the only downside is that there's not much work. Most of the work revolves around hospitality."
"Where does your husband work?" I chanced. Clara didn't flinch at the word. They've been together so long that they're practically married.
"He's a hotel manager at one of the biggest hotels here but he works second shift, hence the late nights. We've talked about moving to Lisbon for more work opportunities but alas!" Clara gestured to everything to infer her whole situation. "What about you? I can't believe you're still in Seattle!"
"I'm not with DecodeREM anymore. I'm at a startup but I'm still working on dreams." I figured there was no harm in telling her what we were working on. "We've figured out how to share and visualize dreams."
"What do you mean by that?" I smiled because this was my favorite part—explaining the work that I do. It's been a while since I've explained it to someone but I still had it memorized.
"We developed a software that can visualize dreams in real-time. The probes read electrical signals from the body and the software translates them into images. These images are then sent as signals back to the body in one continuous loop. It's kinda like VR...y'know...virtual reality minus the headgear and you're actually still physically asleep." Clara's eyes were so wide that I couldn't help but laugh. She still has that childish innocence about her that I've come to know and love.
"That's just...mind boggling," she managed. "Why aren't more people talking about this? This can change the future!"
"I'm not sure what we're working on is technically legal. There are no laws governing dreams and we don't really want to open that can of worms."
"So how are you even making money?"
"We're asking the same question. Everyday, I wake up wondering if I'll still have a job but it's been like what? 7 years? Our sponsor is a rich, old man with a ton of money to burn."
Clara laughed. "You haven't really changed."
"I dunno about you but I'd like to think I'm wiser, richer, and more handsome!" Clara burst into laughter and covered her mouth with both hands when she realized she was being too loud. Her daughter was upstairs sleeping. She was bummed her mum told her to go to bed because of school.
"Do you plan to live in Seattle forever or do you want to go back to the UK?" she asked.
"Well my girlfriend's here. In Seattle, I mean. And we've not discussed the logistics of it yet. I love my job and don't see myself leaving anytime soon unless that old fart dies, then I'm SOL." Clara laughed and covered her eyes. "That was who answered the phone that one time you called."
It felt strange telling Clara that I have a girlfriend, not that I'm ashamed Florence is my girlfriend. Some part of me wondered if Clara still had feelings for me. Even though I love Clara, I realize now that I just see her as a friend. It's strange to me when she mentions Rafael but I know that he's a better match for her than I am.
"I figured," Clara replied. "I remember that night. I was so shocked that I just hung up, and she kept calling and calling. I thought she was the jealous type that always suspects their boyfriend is cheating and I wanted none of it. I don't like drama...you know me. But then I listened to the voicemails she left begging for me to call her back which I found interesting." It was nice hearing Clara's side of things because I remember fretting the entire time thinking I upset her when in reality, she didn't want to cause any problems.
"Florence knows about you and knew that I was trying to reach you." Clara furrowed her eyebrows so I continued. "Er...it's complicated," I said, as if that explained things.
The last thing I wanted was for Clara to know that I dream about her and that's how Florence first came to know about her. I was afraid she'd take it the wrong way and think I still wasn't over her. She doesn't understand the nature of dreams like I do, and that just because you dream about someone doesn't mean you want to pursue them romantically.
"I'd love to meet her. Florence, I mean," she said out of the blue.
"You would?" I asked, my voice an octave higher. I mean—she is here with me, I can make it happen but I wasn't sure about my girlfriend meeting my ex. I'd like to think nothing terrible would happen but you just never know. I'm sure Florence would love to, and the fact that Clara is open to the idea is nice. "She is here with me. In Portugal."
"She is? Why didn't you bring her?"
"She knows how important this is to me and wanted to give me some space," I said awkwardly. We stared at each other for a moment, neither one of us wanting to say anything. It was clear neither of us wanted to address the elephant in the room.
"Does she know we dated?" Clara finally asked and I nodded my head. "How does she...y'know...feel about it?"
"She's not really the jealous type if that's what you're worried about. I mean...she does worry just like anyone else but she understands the bigger picture if that makes sense. Does...does Rafael know about me?"
Clara shook her head. "I don't think so. I don't tell him much about my old life."
I let out a breath, relieved that Rafael doesn't know about me but at the same time, I was hurt. I'm surprised that she was able to send me letters without him noticing. And what about the phone calls? Either he knows but doesn't say anything or he's not the most observant person in the world. I really hope it's the former option for his sake.
But why am I even surprised? It's not her first time hiding me from someone. She tried to keep me hidden from her parents and there was a time she hid Rafael as well. She's a very private person and doesn't let many people in, not even her own parents. I glanced at the time and didn't realize it was well past 9 PM.
"I should really get going," I stated.
"Rafael doesn't come back until midnight."
"I'm not worried about Rafael, I'm worried about Florence. We spent the first half of the day together and then Mia found us and I abandoned her. She must be winding down in the hotel room as we speak." I got up to put my jacket on and I patted my pockets to make sure I still had everything. When my hand patted my cigarettes, I was suddenly reminded of what Mia told me.
"Since when did you smoke?" I questioned. Clara sat up straight with a curious look on her face. "Your daughter told me." I could see Clara blushing or maybe I imagined it. It's hard to tell in this dim light.
"It's a bad habit and I should really stop. I mainly smoke when I'm stressed which has been a lot lately." It's probably because of me, isn't it? I'm the one stressing her out. "You'll probably laugh but I started smoking because of you."
"That's one of the worst things you can say to someone. God, I'm a terrible influence!" I complained and Clara laughed.
"I remember you saying it helps relieve stress!"
"I was talking about weed!" I knew exactly what conversation she was referring to. It was the day she got stranded in Liverpool and I picked her up, stoned. I remember being worried she would look at me differently because of that.
"Oops. Well...you know how I feel about weed!" It was obvious she was talking about that one night.
"Ingesting weed is different from inhaling it. I prefer the latter but I'm already a bad influence on you so I don't recommend it. So what's the real reason why you started smoking?"
"I already told you it was to relieve stress!"
"And you expect me to believe that? Your daughter says you only smoke Lambert & Butler ciggies." I pulled out my cigarettes and placed it on the table for her to see. The blush was creeping on her face now. "There are much nicer, better tasting ciggies, y'know."
"Alright, alright! I smoked them because they reminded me of you and now I can't quit them. You haven't changed at all, have you?" She was smiling now, remembering how we'd tease each other. And then her smile disappeared.
"Do you sometimes wonder where you'd be if you chose a different path?" she asked. "I love my daughter and I love Rafael. I can't imagine life without them but sometimes I wonder what would've happened if I followed you to Seattle all those years ago. Would we get married and have a family?"
I couldn't meet her gaze anymore so I lowered my eyes to my cigarettes on the table. I've always wondered the same thing but less so ever since I got in a relationship with Florence. Just thinking these thoughts made me feel like I was cheating on her, but I see that I'm not alone in these thoughts and Clara wonders the same thing.
"I don't think you would've been very happy," I replied. "Leaving home and moving to America was a big change for me. I left everything I knew behind and felt very lonely and overwhelmed by everything. There were many times I wondered if I made the right decision accepting that job because it almost didn't seem worth it at times. Having you by my side would've made things better but I was so focused on my job that I probably would've neglected you. And then we'd probably fight and resent each other. But then there's this other side of me that thinks we could've made things work. We were young then and still had a lot to learn. All I know is that we're meant to be in each other's lives in some way."
Whether it's as friends or something more, the distance didn't change any of that. We'll always find a way back to each other but the timing is never right. And now that we're both in a relationship with someone else, I don't think it'll ever happen.
"It's hard to explain," I continued. "I love you and care about you but I don't see you that way if that makes sense. Rafael will take much better care of you than I can." We both know that's true. He's more sensitive to her needs while I need someone more independent. Clara nodded her head.
"I understand because I feel the same way," she replied.
There was something relieving about us being on the same page. I'm sure the both of us were worried there'd be something there after all these years. But if I'm being honest, I just think we're happy to have found each other again.