A few days has passed since i last him. The last time i saw his eyes and the last time when i saw his agonizing face staring back to me.
The only time i see him is in my nightmares. Ash's his face twists over time. Changing the way his eyes look or the small details disappearing from my mind.
All i have of him is a idea. Not a single picture. Im scared i will forget him but its my job.
Its my job to be alone and to not let anyone see anything about me. Its my job to not care for anyone. I shouldnt care for anyone.
I realized what i really felt the moment he slipped away from my grip. The moment i saw his face change. The moment i didnt recognize him in my dreams.
I walk to my apartment and do the same routine over and over again.
Today. It hits the one week mark of me being away from england. From london specifically. Also leaving behind the space im familiar with.
The case is being Handled by one of the highest ranking detectives hired by the wife as a cover up.
The news flash on the tv of the small box apartment im in now. "Stock owner died at the age of 48 by suicide" the mans face flashes on the screen.
He has a big smile on his face proudly showing off a computer screens with graphics on it. His suit is fit well to his body and its the same one he was wearing when he took his last breath.
I remeber the blood flowing down my hands all the way down to my arms. I remeber the sink being filled with the same red color trying to wash it off.
I shake my head trying to forget the memory. But even after so many years of doing this job it never leaves me. It never does.
Its night time by now. A can of cold beer is keeping my company. The days are boring. Nothing to do.
I pick up a pack of cigarettes that i bought this morning. I tried to stop smoking and kept it going for a few weeks.
But today i fail. I get out a cigarette and let it dance between my fingers and place it between my lips.
I light it up and take a deep breath feeling the burn agaisnt the back of my troat. I exhale and a small smile is on my lips.
Before i left tp hide my boss told me it would be a good thing and to view it as a small vacation. Amsterdam is supposed to fun.
Right now i am just lonely. It took me a while to admit it. But its true. I dont have his stupid face to keep me company. I dont have his annyoing grin to flash back at me. I dont have anything. Nothing.
2 more months to go. My boss had promised me. 2 more months of this. But right now im unsure if I'll make it.
boss hasnt texted me and nobody else did. The notification on my phone are never his. No matter how much i wish to see ash his face i know i cant.
Not after everything. Not after shutting down all my emotions for most of my life.
I walk through amsterdam and watch the hundreds of people pass me by. Its starting to make me dizzy.
The rain is pouring down like the sky is crying and i cant help but cry too. Nobody could see it. Nobody saw the tears. I felt them. The salty warm tears rolling down my cheeks falling on the stone bricks bellow my feet.
Washed away like they have never been there.
I walk to a small bar and lean agaisnt the dirty wall. I dry my face and take a deep breath. Nobody saw it. Nobody cared.
I catch a glimpse of him. Off ash collin hart. His brown hair drenched in the rain and the familiar clothes on his body.
I knew it was him with even a slight glimpse. It has to be him.
I run after him following the mans footsteps. "Ash?" I ask way to loud and feel my heartbeat raise up. Is it him? Everything inside my body tells me its him. I feel a sence of emotions i havent had before.
The man turns around and all the hope in me had vanished away. It wasnt him. "Oh sorry" i apologize and walk even more. The man wasnt him. It was just a stranger.
My legs start hurting from the walks i had been taking and i sit down at a cannel. I watch the boats go by and let the time wash over me.
I watch the people around me laugh and talk to eachother for hours. Some stay longer and some take a small break and then leave again.
All these people have someone while im just here. Watching their lives go by.
I lay down on the small wooden piere. I let the rain wash over my face drenching myself in it.
After this week in amsterdam i had learned that hart means dutch in heart. In ash his document the nationality had been left out.
I guess i finally found out where he is from. Or atleast the origin of his last name.
The rain starts to clear into sun and i feel cold when the warm sun shines on my cold skin.
I get up and walk towards the box apartment thats just a 4 minute walk away. I open the door and walk in the small hallway feeling like its going to close up on me.
I go through the door and feel the door and see the same boring apartment. The bed is pushed agaisnt the wall and the kitchen is right at the opening. A small 2 person coutch is next to the bed and across from it a table with some of my stuff resting on it.
The bathroom is right next to my bed and im so fucking glad nobody is over or else i wouldve flashed them way to many times.
I open the window thats almost to a rotten point. The apartment is hot and feels like its suffocating me. I hate feeling of it. I hate it all.
I lay down on the coutch letting my body rest there.
A notification pops up on my phone and i made a bet with myself that it must be a push email.
But it was my boss. I look at the notification like i never saw one before almost shocked that he reached out to me.
I read the text and felt so tempted to leave him on read. "Now that youre in amsterdam you should meet someone nice there" he says and i roll my eyes. "Im fine alone" i type out the lie that used to be my truth.
I let my head rest agaisnt the coutch and stare at the ceiling.
"Aspen youre on leave right now for approximately a month or two you can meet someone there and maybe even have fun, youre allowed to have fun you know" my boss texts me and i decided to leave him on read.
I dont deserve even a slight bit of happiness. Atleast not with my past and not with the future that holds me.
Days pass by and i cant seem to shake the feeling away. I googled how to beat boredom but all the things arent working.
The hours walking around are getting boring and i know every single street out of my head.
I have seen some shit thay i shouldnt have and had random people speak to me and saying crazy shit. After these few weeks i am not even shocked anymore.
Maybe if i was with someone i wouldnt feel this empty.
Even the stupid spotter could chear me up at this point. The shops are all the same. Coffee shops, weed shops, clothing stores, more weed shops.
Boring boring boring.
People watching had been my favorite thing while being here. Once it rained a lot and it was really funny seeing the way people tried to not get soaked.
A few people had given up and walked straight through it like its normal. Once a couple ran through the rain holding eachothers hand and i wondered what it felt like.
Their smiles looks free and bright. Little do they know the rain could probably make them sick ass hell for the rest of the vacation.
Speaking of the experience i had myself. Walking in the rain wasnt the brightest idea i had on the first day of being in amsterdam.
The fever hit me hard and the seccond day it came even worse. Maybe it was a sign that this city wasnt going to be my favorite.
But non the less i cant leave until im allowed to. I hate that im forced to stay in this place.
My boss told me it is one of the 'fun' hideouts he has and would be better then sending me to a farming state in America.
I think the farming state wouldve been even worse then this but who knows. Maybe the next time i kill someone with a higher profile i can try it out.
As the end of the day comes near i walk back to the all to familiar street to my apartment.