They are gone. They had all left about three days ago.
The morning I said bye to Nat was hard. It was roughly four in the morning; we had just stood in the door way hugging each other. Not much was said between us. I think we were both too afraid to say anything that came out as a goodbye. So instead we settled for silence and a hug. Dax had cried at our feet the whole time. He knew something was up, poor guy just didn't know what. Nevertheless Nat still gave him a hug and said bye to him.
The boys had been at the house most of the afternoon, so that had been my chance to hug each of them.
Jake on the other hand had decided to stop by late after Nat had gone to her room for some quiet. It's clear none of the pilots were going to get much rest tonight. We sat in the back of his truck for a while and said nothing. He kept his fingers locked in mine the entire time, his thumb idly stroking my hand. After about twenty minutes of silence he said he had to go. He gave me a long, sad kiss then drove off. I did my best to not cry. It was probably better for both of us that nothing was said. I was hardly able to keep myself together as is.
The morning after they had all officially left was when I finally allowed myself to break down. I didn't know if I would ever be seeing them again, and the thought broke me. I took the day off to just lay in bed and cry with Dax. He did his best to comfort me, but I could tell he didn't understand what was going on. After a few days when he realized that Nat wasn't coming home is when he finally started getting suspicious. He had sat at the door to her bedroom pawing at it, assuming she was just inside and had locked him out. Each time I opened the door to let him go in and see for himself. It never fixed his issue though. He wanted his friend back. I understood his pain.
By the third day the initial upset of them leaving was easier to manage. I obviously hadn't heard anything from them, but the reality that they were gone was easier.
I could tell that Penny upset too. After all the new guy in her life was also the Captain that had been training them for the mission. He had left with them too; I'm sure to offer last minute guidance along the way. Penny seemed to handle it better then me though. She did her best to offer constant reassurance when I would stop working and get too lost in thought. She tried, but her efforts hardly worked. The only thing that would really work was knowing that the mission was over and they were all safe. That was unlikely though, at least for now. We had no idea what day exactly the mission would be flown, so it left us forced to get through each day just hoping that it would be over quickly.
__________
By day six, we still hadn't heard anything. I had thrown myself into work at the bar, taking as many extra shifts as I could. My anxiety had come back stronger then before. Every single day I woke up wondering if today was the day they were going to fly, and I was going to lose someone. The fear never went away. With each day it only increased. I found it difficult to sleep or eat. Penny would often invite me over for dinner with her and Amelia, but I usually turned them down. She did her best to make sure I was taken care of. She allowed me to bring Dax to the bar to help ease some stress. Typically I would bring him in early so he had time to play with her yellow lab Theo. He absolutely loved it, so that at least gave me some enjoyment during the day. At least one of us was happy.
All these efforts only worked for so long. The second I was home alone in my empty house, the anxiety flooded back.
________
Nothing could have prepared me for the news we would get on day eight though.
It was late at the bar, we only had about an hour left before closing. For some reason we were pretty packed tonight, but I was grateful for the distraction. I was serving drink after drink. The forced smile I had been putting on for the shift finally turning into a real one as I eased into the flow of work.
I was in the middle of pouring a row of beers when Jimmy shouted for Penny from the kitchen door. She couldn't hear over the music, so I went to her end of the bar and nudged her.
"Jimmy's calling you."
She looked towards the kitchen doors to see Jimmy waving a phone.
"Be right back," she says, dropping the rag she had been using to wipe the counter.
I don't bother to ask what it could be about. There is too many customers at my end of the bar to even be worried about that right now. I head back to my side in time for a small group of women to ask for a second round. For the next several minutes I once again get caught up in pouring drinks and making small talk. I don't even notice when Penny is at my side again. I'm about to tell her I'll talk with her in a second so I don't interrupt the conversation I'm having with someone, when I notice the look in her eyes. All at once my heart sinks. I've known Penny a long time, but the look she is giving me now is not one I have ever seen before. She looks devastated by something. It clicks then why she would have that look.
No. No, no, no.
I back up a step from her.
"My office, Jimmy is going to get the bar closed." She says. I hardly hear her words over the intense ringing that's started up in my ears. The sounds and music of the bar are suddenly drowned out. I can't make out anything other then the ringing and the fast beat of my own heart. It feels as if everything has stopped moving. I'm surprised I even heard Penny's words, everyone else around me is moving their mouth, but no sounds are coming out. I feel the blood drain from my face and feel dizzy. A pair of hands grabs my shoulders and starts guiding me towards the kitchen.
"They are okay, for the most part." I hear Penny say into my ear. My hearing still hasn't come back, but my brain seems to only be taking in her words. I know she tells me this in an effort to keep me on my feet and moving. For the most part. What does that mean? Are they alive or not? Is one of my friends going to die or not?
I don't even know how I managed to get into Penny's office, but she's lowering me down into her chair now while she clears a space for her to sit on the desk.
"That was Pete. He said the mission was a success."
I guess that's good news, but if everything had gone well, she wouldn't be scaring me like this.
"What happened?" I ask. My voice is so low I barely hear it myself. Luckily she does and clears her throat.
"It's Jake."
That's all it takes for my resolve to break, tears start falling. I'm not sobbing yet, but it's only a matter of time.
"Is he dead?"
"No, he's not." She swallows hard, "but they aren't sure how his condition is."
I snap my head up to look at her, "what does that mean?" I ask, my voice is rising back to its normal volume now, but in the small room it sounds like I'm yelling. Maybe I am.
"Pete couldn't go into detail. He is being airlifted off the carrier to the closest U.S. medical center."
"But he's alive?"
"For now yes. I have no idea what happened. Pete couldn't say. He did say that everyone else made it back to the carrier completely fine. No one else is hurt."
I wish the news would comfort me more then it does. I'm relieved to hear that everyone else is okay, but my only thought is Jake. What the hell happened to him? Why can't they tell us anything more? I feel like screaming. My entire body is numb. The sobbing I had half expected to come when the tears started, never does. Instead, tears continue to silently fall, as all I can do is stare down at my hands.
"Is he going to be okay?" I ask weakly. I know she has no idea, but I ask anyway.
"I'm not sure love, but he is a hardheaded boy and if anyone can make it out of this, it's him."
I want so badly to believe her words, but I don't. He had told me the day before he left that he was okay with not coming home as long as the others did. I didn't tell anyone else what he said. Knowing what I do now though, I'm worried he won't try to fight. I have no idea how serious his situation is, but if he has any chance at all of making it, then I know he has to fight to get better. But I don't think he will.
It's that thought alone that causes the hysterical crying to start. Penny rushes to my side and holds me. She tries to whisper reassurances in my ear, but they are pointless.
The fear of losing Jake is too much to manage.
___________
By the time Penny leads me out of the bar, it's empty. I had no idea what time it was, but I didn't care. I also didn't know where Penny was taking me, but I didn't care about that either. I let her lead me to her car where she helped me into the passenger seat. The drive was short when she eventually pulled into the driveway of her quaint, little beach house.
"Just give me one second love, I'll be right back."
She leaves the car running as she gets out and disappears inside. I had no clue what she is was doing. I just sit in the car and stare out into the dark, empty street. I'm sure if I cracked a window I could listen to the waves of the ocean nearby. However I can't move my body. It is completely frozen. So I settled with staring down at the street, letting my mind go blank, until Penny eventually makes her way back to the car. She's holding a small bag that looks like it holds some clothes and some other random things.
"What are you doing?" I ask her.
"I'm coming to stay at you're place for the night. You shouldn't be alone right now. Plus Pete said if he was able to, that he was going to call again and see if he had any new updates for us."
All I can muster up the strength to do is nod my head. Whether he had more information or not, it didn't matter. Jake was in critical condition and nothing could fix it. He wasn't going to fight for anything. He did what he wanted to do, make sure everyone else was safe. So why keep fighting when he must be in agonizing pain?
"It doesn't matter anyway." I say bleakly.
"Why are you saying that?" Penny asks as she pulls out of her driveway and starts the short drive to my house.
"Because, Jake did what he wanted to do. He wanted to make sure everyone was okay. As soon as he knows they are, he's not going to care about what happens to him." The words are void of any emotion as they come out of my mouth. Truthfully they make me want to scream, but I have no energy anymore.
"That's a load of crap and you know it," Penny snaps. "That boy has had it rough in life, but if there is anything he thinks is worth fighting for, it's you. So you aren't allowed to give up on him just yet. Not until we find out more information. You hear me?"
The mom tone in her voice makes me agree with her. I wanted more then anything to believe she had a point, but I don't know. I felt like I didn't know anything anymore. I let more silent tears fall.
When we finally make it to my place, all I'm able to do is get to the couch before I collapse. Dax had bounced around at my feet when I walked in the door, but after seeing I paid him no attention, he moved on to Penny. She was kind enough to set out his dinner and let him outside to take care of his business. I grabbed a large blanket from Nat and I's extensive collection, and cocooned myself inside it while I waited for them. Willing the blanket to offer any sort of comfort it could.
When they returned, they both headed straight for me. Penny scrolled around on the t.v. for a while before selecting a show she thought I would like. She grabbed a blanket herself and curled up in the space beside me.
Having her do all this for me was so unlike anything I had experienced before. Penny was like the mom I always wanted. When my brother had died, my parents turned to each other in their grief; completely forgetting the fact that they had a second child who was grieving as well. It was an incredibly lonely time for me then. Having Penny here now helps to ease the pain a bit. It's nice having someone to lean on and who I know will take care of me. I just wish she could take all the pain away.
We laid on the couch for what felt like a while. Penny kept suggesting food she could make me, but I refused it all. Eventually she gave up. I had no idea what time it was, or how long we had been sitting. If I had to guess, it was probably around one in the morning. I didn't feel like sleeping though. I told Penny earlier she was free to take either of the beds upstairs to sleep, but she said she rather stay down here with me. I didn't have it in me to argue with her on that. We both just sat mindlessly watching the t.v.. By the time the phone rang, it scared both her and I. We both sat up instantly, praying it would be Pete with some more information.
"It's him," she says looking at the phone. She clicks answer, then stops for a minute. It looks like she deciding if she wants to let me hear the conversation or not. She seems to decide not though and holds the phone up to her ear.
"Hey Pete." She walks a little ways till she is by the front door. My heart is racing as I watch her. "Well that's good, so how long until everyone gets back?" She pauses again. "Ok. So does that mean he will be coming home with the rest of them or later?" Another pause. "Do y'all know anything more about his condition at all?" As Pete talks into her ear, she finally stops and looks at me, a sad expression on her face. It makes my heart sink. "I guess that's good then." She turns now to face the door. I don't bother to try and hear the rest of her conversation. I sink back into the couch. Eventually I hear her tell Pete bye and make her way back to me.
"Well good news," she tries to sound optimistic as she comes to sit next to me. "Everyone is starting to make their way home. They should be back in a couple of days." That is good. Finally getting to see them all again will help I hope.
"And Jake?"
She sighs, "that's a bit of a trickier situation. They have to wait until they know the full extent of his injuries before they can send him back over here safely."
I don't want to know the answer to the question I'm about to ask, but I swallow the lump in my throat and ask anyway.
"Did Pete say what was wrong with him?"
She sighs. "He did. They don't fully know what is wrong, but he was able to tell me what they do know. Their main concern is his back. The way Pete made it sound, I think he may have broken it. They don't know where, or how bad. It could be something minor that just needs a few weeks to heal. So there is no point in thinking worse case scenario right now. He's alive and getting help, that's all that matters."
I take in all her words, not quite sure what to make of it. At least he's alive. Then again, I don't think everyone would be as concerned as they are for a broken back, there's something more going on that they don't want to tell us. My chest tightens.
"Is there anyway I can talk to him?" I ask.
"I asked Pete, he said he's going to stay with Jake until he's able to fly back here. Hopefully at some point he'll be able to let you guys talk."
I want to talk with Jake more then anything, but I don't know what to say. I don't know if Jake would even want to hear from me if given the chance.
"Do they know what happened to cause all of it?"
"Pete couldn't say. If I had to guess though, it sounds like he must have ejected. Those tend to cause painful spine injuries like his. I don't see how else he would have been so hurt."
I often forget that Penny was a military brat her whole life as well. While she's been connected to the Navy through aviation because of her father, my father was strictly a ship kind of guy. Being around pilots wasn't something I was super familiar with. So seeing the worry in Penny's eyes now only served to further my fears. I can't tell how much she even believes the reassurance she keeps trying to offer.
How could the mission have taken such a bad turn for him to have ejected? God I want to talk with someone. I need to know what happened to them all. Penny must sense how I'm dwelling over every single word that's been said in the past few minutes. She places a hand gently on my shoulder.
"The one thing we do know is that everyone is alive. They are alive and coming home. That is the most important thing. For now, let's try and get some rest, maybe we will find out more in the morning."
I don't have the energy to go get in my bed besides Penny's suggestions that I do. So instead her and I make space on the couch for each other and fall asleep there.