CONTENT WARNING
First Kiss
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It's the fourth tissue paper that Jeff hands him. Patiently, he takes the next one out of the box and just waits. The hiccups don't subside and neither do the tears. When Barcode looks in the mirror he finds his makeup all ruined and his hair going the same way.
"Look at my face, I'm going to need to have my makeup done all over again!" The crying increases as he pinches his already red nose as if that will help him contain the tears.
Jeff remains silent for a while, again holding out another tissue. Barcode doesn't even notice the fact that Jeff doesn't bother picking up the used ones from his hand to throw them in the nearest trash can.
"Do you want to tell me what made you like this?" Jeff asks.
Barcode shakes his head and tries in vain to hold back another sob.
They're in the trailer where the dressing room they share is located. The shooting in Korea started two days ago and, just like in their first work, the crying crisis came without warning along with thousands of doubts.
"What can I do to help you?" Jeff insists, his usual low, gentle voice.
He tilts his head slightly and Barcode knows what he's looking for are his eyes. He takes a few deep breaths and reaches for yet another tissue which he uses to dry them off.
"I don't know if I can handle it." Barcode starts, controlling himself not to start screaming again, trying to keep his voice low. "I barely acted, P'Jeff! Look how many good people there are here!"
Putting his feelings into words just makes it all true and Barcode really has to hold back when his lips quiver in a pout. Jeff smiles—that reassuring smile—and gets closer, taking one of the younger's hands in his. He squeezes it lightly, which draws Barcode's gaze to their intertwined fingers and then to Jeff's eyes.
"You're here because you're good too." The simplicity with which Jeff says it almost makes him believe it. "After all, there are a lot of actors out there, but they chose us."
"It was Phi who chose me." A groan escapes Barcode's lips and he shakes his head again.
When the invitation arrived, with it came all the doubts and anxiety. There were a few sleepless nights at the beginning and a few more before they finally set off the shooting. Even with Jeff's support by his side full-time during those days, he couldn't control his nervousness.
And now Barcode was feeling even worse after reading the full script and coming across the kissing scenes. Once again the cry rises in his throat and he covers his face with his hands, embarrassed.
"Hey, look at me." Jeff calls again in the same tone and Barcode is forced to get out of his own head to pay attention to him. "Trust how hard you worked to get here. I'm also worried about doing something bad, but what I don't know I'll say and ask for help."
"But there will be kisses!" Barcode says still in the middle of crying, trying to dry his face.
Barcode doesn't even know how in the midst of all the embarrassment that it is to have an anxiety attack in front of Jeff, he still manages to say something like that. Even though he knew that after entering the world of BLs this moment was bound to arrive, he doesn't seem to take it like any other scene.
"Wow, I never thought I'd see someone cry so much for not wanting to kiss me." Jeff's offended tone makes Barcode look at the other and only then he sees that Jeff is joking, although Barcode narrows his eyes in his direction. "My oral health is up to date, okay? And I can brush my teeth right before the scene... Wait, do I have bad breath?"
Jeff puts his hand in front of his mouth as if testing his breath and finally elicits a laugh from the other that comes with a shove on the shoulder.
"P'Jeeeeeff."
The older man chuckles lightly, nodding his head and not further discussing his object of concern. Gradually the crying stops and he watches Jeff get up. He approaches Barcode, hugging him by the shoulders so that the younger one leans against his body. It's when Barcode finally lets go of his hand to hold him tight by the waist that he feels Jeff's lips on his hair.
"I'm here with you." He says softly as he lays a firm pat on Barcode's shoulders and back. "And maybe there are going to be tough days, but you're not alone, okay?"
Barcode takes a few more deep breaths, slowly calming down. Jeff lets him take as long as he needs to be there, embraced in that hug, until he feels comfortable again. The younger man feels another kiss on his hair before Jeff pulls away slowly, with a smile he can see in the mirror.
That's how his shooting day goes by, always looking for the older one's eyes when any intrusive thought approaches. As promised, Jeff is there all the time, even when they're not shooting together.
And then, if the crisis at the beginning of the day wasn't enough, they find out that the kissing scene will be shot the next day. As if the universe decided to send it all out at once and test how much Barcode can handle.
As soon as he finds out, his eyes meet Jeff's. He just nods once and reaches out to his shoulder, squeezing and offering what he considers momentary comfort. They don't have time to talk anymore during the time they are on set, but on the way back to the hotel the younger man ends up with too much time to think and worry.
The way back is silent. Everyone in the van looks exhausted from the long day and some end up sleeping. All insecurities come back to surface, and visualizing his own failure is almost inevitable. When they arrive at the hotel room they are sharing, Barcode is the first to go to the shower where he takes a little longer than usual, in an attempt to wash away all the worries.
As soon as he leaves the bathroom, Jeff takes his place. Alone in the room and ready to go to sleep, Barcode seeks his natural refuge when he needs to calm down, which is music. He chooses a song to play softly on his cell phone. He settles down on the pillows still sitting up and for a while tries to concentrate on listening carefully to what's playing and on his own breathing.
Barcode doesn't hear when the other leaves the bathroom, but he's suddenly alert with a start when he feels Jeff close, even if it's a soft touch. Jeff has a quiet smile on his lips and holds his right hand between his, stroking it slowly.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." He speaks softly.
Sitting across from him, Jeff is wearing the same sleeping clothes as last night and Barcode wonders why he hasn't blow-dried his hair as usual. With a sigh, he returns the smile.
"It's okay, I was just..." He shrugs, not knowing what to say.
Still smiling, Jeff nods and places his hands together in his own lap. Barcode rests his eyes there and for the first time that day the silence is comforting and doesn't give way to all the thoughts he's been having.
"Are you really that anxious about tomorrow's scene?" Jeff asks in his usual tone.
Barcode ends up wrinkling his nose when he brings up the subject, but nods. He closes his eyes and then lowers his head, letting his shoulders slump, almost giving up.
"Talk to me?" Jeff asks, without ceasing to caress the back of his hand. "Have you kissed anyone before, Code?"
The question makes him uncomfortable and Barcode can't contain a grimace. Gradually he raises his head and, although he is dying of shame, he finds the safety and reassurance he needs once more in the other's eyes.
"No." He grumbles, taking his hand away from Jeff's then. "But we don't need to make a big deal out of it either."
"I won't." Jeff raises his arms in surrender, the serenity still etched on his face. "I'm just trying to understand where your nervousness comes from to know how I can help."
Barcode averts his eyes to any point in the room, practically chewing the inside of his mouth. He still feels Jeff's eyes on him, which for the first time makes him feel slightly edgy.
"I don't know how I'm going to make it look real if I've never done it, that's all."
Jeff lets out a weak laugh and out of the corner of his eye the younger man sees him shrug.
"I've never killed anyone and managed to make it look real."
He's barely finished speaking when Barcode punches his thigh. Jeff moans quietly and rubs the spot he's hit while still chuckling lightly.
"P'Jeff isn't helping me!"
"I'm sorry." Still laughing, he apologizes. "Sorry, but it's true."
And Barcode hadn't really thought about it that way, which just shows how immature he is, also professionally. Imagine if he could only represent what he's already lived, how little would it be? Even the role of Porchay would not have succeeded, as he has never been in love.
"Would you like for your first kiss not to be on a scene?" Jeff speaks again.
"Why? Will P'Jeff offer himself as a sacrifice?" Barcode says with a mocking laugh, shaking his head.
"Why not?" Jeff shrugs.
Barcode doesn't know if what takes him is more surprise, shame or indignation. The only reaction he has is to aim a slap on Jeff's arm that stings even his own hand.
"That doesn't help me, you know? To say that kissing me is a sacrifice." His voice eventually rises a little and he starts pushing Jeff off his bed. "I don't want to talk about it anymore, Phi can leave and I'm going to sleep."
"That's not what I meant, Code!" Jeff gets up, but still remains near the bed. "I meant that if that's what you want, if it makes you more comfortable with the scene tomorrow, I—"
"I do not want to hear it!" He voices louder than Jeff's tone while he covers his ears. "Good night, P'Jeff."
Barcode kicks the duvet off ungracefully so he can crawl under and covers his head with one of the pillows. He doesn't look, but he knows Jeff is still there, standing and watching him for a while before walking away. By the space he leaves to breathe under the pillow he can see when Jeff turns off the light.
And he would be very lucky to get at least a quiet night's sleep.
Barcode wakes up so many times that in one of them he gives up going back to sleep. He also refuses to look at his cell phone, because if it's too close to waking time, he'll sulk. From the next bed he can hear Jeff's soft breathing. He has yet to find out what keeps the older one up at night, because simply nothing affects him when it comes to sleep.
That's when his thoughts go back to the conversation they had earlier in the evening. It's not like kissing Jeff was a completely bad idea, but in those terms it would be like Jeff was doing him one more favor among all the others he already has. Of course Barcode would like to experience a real kiss first, mainly because he doesn't want to have to tell people that his first kiss was just when shooting a scene. How embarrassing.
But he also can't think, at the moment, of anyone he really wants to kiss, even just for the sake of kissing. It's not like he's never imagined what this moment would be like, but lately all that's on his mind is work and music, which doesn't give him much room to think about it.
Suddenly it makes perfect sense that it's Jeff.
Looking at the bed beside his own, Barcode watches him sleeping peacefully, his hair a little spread over his face pressed sideways into the pillow. Barcode could easily kiss him. Jeff is handsome, kind, patient and someone he trusts completely. The two have been close for so long — and now even more — that perhaps this is the perfect opportunity to try it out and have an honest opinion on how he fared. And well, it will be him anyway.
"P'Jeff." Barcode calls him from his own bed, lying on his side, facing his direction. "Phi?" The other one doesn't even move, so he decides to throw one of the extra pillows on his bed. "P'Jeff!"
"What?" The other one, but doesn't even open his eyes.
"Are you listening to me?" Barcode asks quietly enough to be heard in the silent room.
"Hm." He just snorts.
"Was Phi serious about... um... about kissing me before the scene?" He asks even lower than before, hoping Jeff hears it so he doesn't have to repeat it.
Jeff takes a while to respond and Barcode wants to go and suffocate him with a pillow when he thinks he's gone back to sleep, but after a few long seconds Jeff opens his eyes a little in his direction.
"I thought I'd try and make you the least uncomfortable as possible with the idea of a first kiss while shooting a scene." His voice is low and husky.
Barcode still watches him for a while then shifts his eyes to the floor between the beds, uncertainty roaming his head again, although seconds before he was completely sure.
"Well, I guess it's going to be Phi anyway." He says, still not looking at him, then shrugs.
Jeff shifts on the bed, and when Barcode looks up, he finds him stretching. He sits down next, checking the cell phone he keeps on the bedside table, and crosses his legs.
"Come here." The call is in the same tone they've both been using to talk in the middle of the night and Jeff pats the bed beside himself.
Barcode hesitates for a few moments, feeling his heart race in anticipation. As he pushes back the duvet, he gets up and crosses the short space between the two huge beds of the room. Then he sits where indicated, facing Jeff and with one of his legs dangling over the side of the bed.
"What I understand is that you wouldn't want your first kiss to be on a scene, right?" Jeff asks as he carefully holds his hands. Barcode nods. "And I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable, so I suggested that—"
"It's going to be with Phi anyway." He lets it out in one breath, nodding again.
Jeff nods, with a slight smile. His hair is already completely dried, lying adorably around his face and over eyes that are even smaller with sleep.
"What I need to know is if you want this kiss, Code. Not as an obligation because we're going to kiss tomorrow anyway."
This time Barcode's eyes don't avert from him as he nods.
"I do." Barcode's voice barely comes out.
Jeff smiles again, peacefully, and holds his hands tighter. Barcode feels butterflies in his stomach and swallows hard. He hopes his hands aren't sweating in Jeff's.
"Close your eyes?"
The tone comes almost as a suggestion that Barcode readily responds to. He feels Jeff let go of his hands at the same time that he feels his knee touch some part of him that he assumes is his leg from how they are sitting.
A sigh escapes Barcode's lips as Jeff's fingers reach the back of his neck and his thumb slides across his jaw. The boy swallows with some difficulty and his mouth suddenly goes dry.
"I'm nervous." Barcode says so quietly that for a moment he thinks it was just a thought.
"Everything is fine." Jeff's answer comes out just as quiet, his breath on Barcode's lips. "It's just me."
Somehow that reassures Barcode when he feels their lips fit together. His lower lip between Jeff's in a lingering peck. Automatically Barcode leans forward a little and feels Jeff press his fingers to the back of his neck.
Jeff moves his lips carefully with Barcode's lower lip between his and then does the same with the upper lip. It feels good. Then Barcode feels his tongue glide smoothly looking for passage as their heads tilt to opposite sides.
A shiver rises from the base of Barcode's back to the top of his head as their tongues touch. The boy takes a deep breath through his nose and Jeff pulls him closer. Their lips fit in synchronized movements and the tongues curl up recognizing each other.
The kiss gets wetter and Barcode ends up leaning closer to the other. Jeff reverses the kissing position and slowly sucks his lower lip into his, making Barcode pant a little heavier.
Barcode leans even further in search of more contact. Jeff pulls him by the shirt and just goes along with it until they're lying face to face, their lips never parting. Closer now, more comfortable, Barcode hugs his smaller body close to his.
The wet sound of the kiss makes Barcode's body heat up, and suddenly feeling bold, he tries doing to Jeff the same as he did to him so he carefully sucks Jeff's lower lip. That's when Jeff pulls away slowly, leaning his forehead against the boy's as he takes a deep breath.
"This is so good, Phi." Barcode lets out, a little inebriated, his hand firm on Jeff's back.
Jeff nods and actually opens his mouth a few times, but doesn't say anything. When Barcode tries to get closer again, Jeff places a hand on his chest.
"That was... I need to breathe a little." He says, looking really out of breath.
Barcode nods, licking his own lips and tasting the remains of the kiss. And even though they don't kiss again, they keep very close. With his arm encircling Jeff's body, who doesn't seem bothered by that, he feels sleep rocking him a few minutes later as he alternates between Jeff's eyes and lips. And he sleeps peacefully for the rest of the night.