Luna cannot say goodbye to this fic, so expanding the story it is
Tw: Yeah, it's not better than the last two chapters. Injuries, blood, description of pain. So much trauma and it's only been one chapter. Descriptions of unconscious (near death experience). Kili is angry and in pain and living through all five stages of grief. Detailed descriptions of a panic attack (now certified because I'm speaking from experience. It's not all yee-haw as in the fics, lemme tell you)
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When she woke, it wasn't graceful or peaceful. The sun wasn't shining on her face; there was no warmth nor ethereal light. There was silence, but not comforting as she had always dreamed of. This one was dreadful, and threatening. The first thing she processed was the freezing wind blowing through her clothes. Her skin didn't respond to it as she had anticipated, but she felt the gnawing cold of the winter air finding its way underneath her tunic.
The second thing she noticed was a heavy block forming in her head, pounding against her skull to try to find a way out. Once more, her body couldn't respond to the feeling, but it registered it all the same.
The third thing she felt, was the burning flesh on her back. As if she was soaked, her tunic clung to the wounds, but cold air weaved into her skin, liquid pooling around her. It took a while for her to understand the pool hadn't been freezing as the rest of her body was. This was warm.
The fourth thing her brain processed was the restriction in her chest. As if a stone was being smashed against her ribs repeatedly. She couldn't move to fight it.
Noises surrounded her. Like a song performed in a foreign language; she had no idea what was being said. She couldn't register the words. But she knew something was there.
Then, a nauseating feeling entered the pit of her stomach. Another punch to her chest.
Something rose in her throat. She couldn't tell what it was. Again, her body remained irresponsive. Another punch to her chest.
She wished for her hands to shoot up. To block her from her attacker. She could feel the bruises growing. The tightening around her lungs was sickening. Another punch to her chest.
Her lungs. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't even panic at the realisation. Another punch to her chest. This one was harder than the other had been. It would have knocked all air out if there was any.
Her mind reeled as she fought herself. To send any form of signals to her limbs. Some form of movement. Another rough hit to her chest.
In the back of her mouth, she felt something rise further. Whatever had been stuck in her throat seemed to extend itself with each an every punch. A cry of anguish was heard before another aching blow was dealt.
That is when her fight or flight instinct finally kicked in. Everything that had build up in her throat rose out violently. Water shot from her mouth a she desperately tried to throw it all out. She was vaguely aware of two hands grasping her shoulders tightly, turning her on her side as coughs racked through her entire body.
Desperate for air, she inhaled deeply, coughing again as she felt her air flow restricted by more water. Retching over in vehement, she tried to force all the liquids out, gasping loudly as air flew in and out of her lungs with each move she made. Her vision swam with every intake of air, every cough of water that escaped her. The amount in her lungs seemed infinte. She could've lain there for hours, she didn't know. She had lost all concept of time. It felt like hours.
The hands on her shoulders never ceased. They stayed there, holding her on her side, yet not pressing her down hard enough to injure her. A gentle, yet tight grip. From around her, she could finally make out sobs of relief and silent prayers, but she dared not turn to face them yet. Not when her body was still fighting so much to replace all the water with oxygen.
She couldn't see him, nor properly hear him, but behind her, Bilbo had but collapsed in relief the second water came from her throat. Tears of sadness had turned into those of bewilderment and happiness, as had those of the other dwarves. Fili had retreated his hands when Kili made the effort to turn her on her side. Thorin - the usually composed leader - had even found himself blinking back his own emotions. Kili's head was turned down on her violently coughing figure, his shoulders shaking with his sobs, his eyes glued to her in amazement.
When she finally stopped throwing out water, she broke into exhausted cries, not conscious enough to compose herself. Death had held her in a terrifying, freezing grip; nowhere near the comforting embrace Gandalf had told her about so many times. She had wondered if that was how the people of Laketown felt when they got burned to the ground. Was this what the soldiers below had felt before meeting their end? Was this how her family had felt when the orcs took them from her? How often she had thought about them wandering through a peaceful plane, embraced in each others hold. Had that all been a foul dream? Perhaps, in truth, they were in that dark chamber as well: No light, no sound, no feeling. Nothing but the inescapable feeling of loneliness. It did nothing to calm her down.
When he noticed she was no longer emptying her lungs or struggling for her breath, Kili's hands let go off her shoulders, instead wrapping his arms under her back. He tilted her up slightly, holding her against his chest as he rocked back and forth in silent comfort. She hated the feeling of his arms; so cold, almost as cold as she had felt earlier. His arms stung her back, pushing a numbing feeling through her system. His movements were ailing her, wishing she could spew out all contents of her stomach.
But she also praised it. This was not nothingness; this was him. Regardless of how awful his hold was or how she hated his cries; she had something to hold onto. Something that grounded her. She was no longer in that forsaken room that would haunt her for many years to come. She was not alone, for he was there with him. She could not resist burying her head against his tunic, obscuring her tears from all others.
Wiping away his tears, Bilbo shakily stood up, looking around the field as if he was expecting for something to suddenly jump up and destroy their moment of peace. But he found none.
"Is it really over?" He sighed in a broken voice, his eyes falling back on his closest friend. "Is Azog dead?"
Looking up at the noise, Thorin repeated Bilbo's motions, scanning the lake as well. Below the floating platfroms of ice, he could make out the figure of a floating body. For once, he was clever enough not to step near to it.
"If he is still living, he'd have to be under some sort of spell." He stated, but could make out the orc's opened eyes, now glassed over. A silent sigh escaped him as he saw his foe finally defeated. Then, he looked towards the three on the floor. He stared at his nephews. His sister's sons, who had only reached maturity a near decade ago. Those, who now lay on the ice; broken and bloody, but still alive. Their first genuine battle, fought at an age too young for any dwarf to go through. His heart broke at the thought. The aftermath was something they'd have to carry the rest of their long lives. He'd only hoped they wouldn't let it weigh them down as much as it had did to him.
"We need to find a medic." He interrupted his own train of thought, trying his best not to let his emotions get the best of him, for the sake of keeping his kin calm.
At the words, Fili slowly rose, using Bilbo's helpful arm for support. Kili struggled slightly, the wound on his arm itching more than before. He'd seen what an infected wound looked like and was glad not to see black veins leading to it, yet the feeling pouring around the scratch was not at all comforting. Be that as it may, he stood, Raewyn in his arms, her face still withheld from the others.
The blonde saw his brother struggle, but chose not to speak about it. He knew better than to assume he'd drop her. Still, he could not help the worry growing in his heart.
——
It was nightfall when the medical tents had finally been put up inside Erebor. Soldiers in mortal need had received treatment earlier, though many had succumbed to their ailments later. Raewyn was vacating one of the tents, an Elvish healer taking care of her wounds. No visitors were allowed in as the elf healed what she could, stitching the rest up for later care. Outside, Kili had sat down on the floor, his back resting against the cold mountain walls as Oín finished bandaging the prince's arm.
Noticing the distracted look in the young dwarf's eyes, Oín tried to bring him some words of comfort. "She's strong, lad. She's made it this far; she won't fade now."
An absent-minded hum was all the response the healer got. Defeated, he walked away, sparing an affirming nod to Fili, who watched his brother from a distance. His wounds had already been tended to. He had been left to wait in the cold halls for his friends, Bilbo at his side.
As Oín left the younger prince, Bilbo jumped up from his seat on the ridge below the wall, ready to check up on him. But Fili's hand stopped him, urging the hobbit back in his seat. Looking at the dwarf in slight confusion, Bilbo obeyed his silent order.
"Is he going to be alright?" He decided to speak up, his eyes now falling on the tent in front of Kili, dark silhouettes moving against the veils.
"That depends on Raewyn." The blonde answered through a mumble, his eyes falling to the floor, instead of on his brother or on the tent.
Bilbo's curiosity piqued at that, and though this was not the time to echange tales, the hobbit found himself longing for some kind of distraction. To rid himself of the haunting images of fallen dwarven, human en elvish soldiers littered over the muddied plains, blood covering their features. He shivered slightly upon the resurfaced image.
"I don't tell stories quite as good as Raewyn can." Fili remarked, recognizing the glint in Bilbo's eyes, his head raising slowly to meet the hobbit's.
"Distraction doesn't require quality." He returned, to which the dwarf sighed in slight amusement. He could understand why Raewyn had admired him so much.
"Dwarven tale goes that when Mahal, or Aüle, created dwarves, he made two from the same stone," He began, allowing the corners of Bilbo's mouth to quirk up slightly. "As punishment for the unseen creation, Mahal was forced to split them from each other when they arrived upon this earth. They'll seek a life-time to find each other."
An 'awe' of understanding escaped Bilbo throat as he noticed the longing look in Kili' eyes; they were aimed directly at the entrance of the tent. If someone were to exit or enter, he'd know immediately. The realisation begged the hobbit's next question: "Do they know who they are looking for?"
Now, Fili's eyes followed BIlbo's, finding that same look on Kili's face. "No," He spoke honestly. "But they will once they meet. Amad described it as coming across someone you met growing up, years later. You recognize them."
"So," Bilbo began, unsure if he had understood Fili's words correctly. "They've known this whole time?"
"Kili?" The dwarf mused, a tiny smile growing on his lips. "Yes. Raewyn? I couldn't say."
"Kili told you?" Bilbo continued, Fili's story slowly starting to interest the hobbit.
"Eventually," he answered honestly. "But I knew the moment Kili failed to fall asleep that night in Bag-End. He can fall asleep anywhere at any time. When he's nervous, he has trouble falling asleep. And I can tell you that he was anything but nervous for this journey. Something made him antsy along the way." Teasingly, Fili's eyes fell over Bilbo's, a taunting smirk on his lips as he reminisced that day in the Shire.
"It must hurt," The hobbit spoke mournfully. "Falling for one who hates your kin."
"Why do you think it took him so long to confess to her?"
A questioning look came from Bilbo, completely oblivious to everything that happened before Azog sank to his death. "Ravenhill," the dwarf answered. "There were a lot of tears, you didn't miss out on a lot."
Finally, the hobbit began to smile as well, amused with the dwarf's story-telling. Still, one question lay heavy on his mind. And he could not help but voice it out loud: "So, what happens now?"
A beat of silence, something close to remorse almost fading over Fili's features. "If Raewyn dies?" He asked, though he did not give the hobbit time to answer. "I do not know. Our mother lost Adad decades ago, but she still mourns him, I can see it in her eyes. She struggles every day."
Staring at the tent desperately, Bilbo shook the awful thought from his head. "And if she lives?"
"She gets to choose: She can reject him, and scar him for the rest of his life. Or they will begin their courtship." A faint smile graced the dwarf's lips. "If that is the case, I hope for them to remain in the mountain. Knowing Kili, he'd follow her into the wilds. Maybe I'll never see him again."
"Does that not bother you?" Bilbo tried gently, well aware that this may have been a sensitive topic. And though it might have been, the prince seemed at ease with the hobbit, and answered his question truthfully: "Of course. He is my little brother. But I am also happy for him to have found her. It is a rare thing for dwarves to meet their One. Most of us end up in forced marriage to continue the family-line."
The thought of a destined partner seemed somewhat comforting to Bilbo, a warm feeling rushing through his stomach, despite the cold breeze in the mountain. "Is this...situation only something that happens to dwarves?"
A scoff of humour escaped from Fili as he shook his head in amusement "Commonly, yes. But there have been exceptions. Raewyn's entire bloodline is proof." Decided to tease his friend just a little, his voice changed slightly as he spoke his next words. "Your eye on a specific someone?"
That seemed to shut him up. All questions Bilbo held suddenly disappeared, the warmth in his stomach now running over his entire body, a coat of embarrassment washing over him. Fili made it clear there was no reason to feel that way. "You hide it better than he does, but I am no fool, Bilbo."
The elf that had spend the past hours in Raewyn's tent finally walked out, throwing the mischievous grin off of Fili's face as he immediately stood up, nearing his brother in anticipation.
"Will she be alright?" He overheard Kili ask anxiously, his hands still shaking. He doubted if they had stopped doing that since Ravenhill.
"She needs all the rest she can get. Her wounds were far beyond my healing, and our resources were limited." Though the blonde had neared the pair, his brother didn't seem to acknowledge him, his eyes focused solely on the elf. "I've cleaned the wounds for now and closed them as far as I could. What happens now is up to her."
"That was all?" Kili muttered, his voice sharp. Fili could see the anger hidden behind his eyes as his shaking hands clenched in fists.
"I'm sorry, but I fear-" The elf began, but she was interrupted by the youngest prince: "You were in there for hours and all you did was clean her up?"
Bilbo, who had stayed behind from a relative distance, could hear the hostility in Kili's voice now. He did not like where his mind took him, but all he could hear was the possessed voice of Thorin, poisoned with gold. Kili wasn't poisoned with gold. But he seemed to be completely entranced with Raewyn's well-being. The hobbit couldn't blame him for it - his heart had dropped as well when he heard the elf speak - but his voice would have given out. Kili's only seemed to grow.
"You must understand, I did everything I could." The elf's eyes now fell to the blonde prince, seeking silent confirmation. "Her body is running on its last energy, I could not risk using magic."
Biting his tongue sharply, Kili furiously blinked the tears away, turning around to face the wall, doing his best to hold his head high.
"Will she live?" Fili tried, spotting Oín near the elvish healer too, curious to hear the condition of his travelling companion. After all, he'd have to take care of her after the elves left.
"If she doesn't wake up before dawn rises, I fear she might stay secluded."
"Secluded?"
"Irresponsive," Oín explained, announcing his presence to the elf as well. "She'd be a breathing corpse."
With his back still turned against the three, Kili seemed to zone out from his current reality. The words of the Dwarvish healer echoed through his head. He was vaguely aware of his brother doing anything to gain more information, but with each negative feedback he received, the anger in the pit of his stomach seemed to build. He shouldn't yell at the elf. Deep down, he knew she had done everything in her power to heal his ranger. But pain and agony turned into rage. And it had hurt him to stand there and listen to another useless word she had to offer.
"Is there nothing else you can do?" Fili went on, unaware of the turmoil spinning around in his brother's mind.
"I am sorry, my lord. I assure you, if there was more that could be done, it would have come to pass."
"Are there any others that might be able to help?" He tried again desperately, his eyes pleading, hoping to receive some sort of good news.
"We could send word to the elves in Rivendell." She offered hesitantly, unsure of her own words. "Their spells work far beyond the Greenwood-"
"Shut up!" Kili seethed, spinning around angrily, an accusing finger pointed towards the taller creature. "You were in there for hours. Hours!" Then, he held his hands up, showing his bandaged wrists, the splint apparent underneath them. "I brought her back to life with my bare hands and you couldn't even keep her awake!" Hot angry tears spilled over his cheeks as his voice raised even more. "All you had to do was keep her awake!"
Pushing past the elf and his brother, the dwarf made a beeline for the tent, swinging the flap behind him furiously, not sparing either of the three a final look.
"Forgive my brother," Fili swallowed thickly, the display of Kili's emotions only strengthening his own. Only he was still in pain. "There was nothing else that could be done."
"There is nothing to forgive," The elf returned, her face set in a surprisingly calming expression. "Shall I send word to lord Elrond?"
"Will he make it in time?" The prince prodded, receiving naught but a hesitant look. She hadn't answered him as swiftly as she did before. "Do not give us false hope."
Then, she bowed her head, shaking it in silent remorse. "No."
"Then, your work here is done."
Seeing the ordeal happen, and hearing the words spoken, Bilbo turned around, his eyes wet again. His head had begun to hurt after all the tears he had already spent, but it seemed his body was prepared to give more.
Leaving the three for what it was, he left the scene, looking for a fresh nose outside. Some privacy would do him well.
Some privacy would have done Kili well too. He could run into any chamber in the mountain and the others would leave him be. It'd be sound proof, successfully secluded from the rest. But he couldn't. The moment that tent flap closed behind him and he saw Raewyn laying down on that cod, tears began to run freely.
She was resting on her stomach, her bandaged back on display. The layers of thick ointment could be seen through the material, spread so widely, her entire back had nearly coloured green with it. Her hair was still partially wet, clinging to her neck tightly. Silently cursing the elf who had taken care of her, the dwarf fell to his knees, leaning over almost immediately to gather the hair and spread it out over the pillow behind her.
He hated how she almost looked peaceful. Her features were relaxed, not set in their usual scowl. If he hadn't known what had happened, he'd say she was just sleeping. Of course, she still was at the moment, but it was nowhere near peaceful. Her face was sweating, a clammy layer covering the skin.
A hesitant, quivering hand hung over her face, before he gently brought it down, rubbing her cheek affectionately. A sob escaped his throat as she remained unresponsive to him.
"Hey, Dragonslayer," He breathed in a shaky voice, swallowing the lump in his throat back harshly. "I need you to do something for me." His hand fell into hers, almost recoiling as he noticed a cold material surrounding one of her fingers. Looking down, he noticed a ring wrapped around her index finger. Another sob was torn from his as he realised it had been the one he had made for her directly after Smaug was slain. He hadn't noticed the trinket earlier.
"I need you to squeeze my hand," He continued, using his other hand to wipe tears off his face, though they came as quick as they left. "Like you used to do in Laketown, remember?"
But again, there was no response. A cold chill seeped through his bones as his vision suddenly took him elsewhere. He was still stuck underneath that lake. And Raewyn's cold body was clung close to his.
Resting his head on the empty space on the cot, Kili shook the memories from his head, tearing the terror from his mind. He wasn't there anymore. Raewyn wasn't cold, she was burning up now. He'd rather have that, than another corpse.
"We could have been in Rivendell now." He sobbed with his head down, the words escaping him in shaking sentences. "You would have still been here."
Raising his head slightly, he looked up at her face. The same expression still rested upon her features. She looked so content in this moment, he wondered if she still felt the pain; if she was now screaming to wake in agony. Maybe she wouldn't feel anything. It'd just be a dream for her, void of physical limitations. Perhaps she didn't want to wake. If she truly was without pain, why would she want to relive that?
Because you are still here, he kept trying to convince himself. You want to wake her, because you cannot do this without her. Selfishness be damned.
"You were right," he continued, ignoring the conflicting sides in his brain right now. "About how I should hate you." Another sob, another cry. "I do. I hate you now. I never thought something so dear to me could cause so much pain. I hate you so much."
His voice broke as his head fell down again, now resting against their intertwined hands. He couldn't speak anymore, it was all too much. Heart wrenching cries tore from him, his entire body shaking through the sobs. If people could hear him, he was grateful none entered the tent. His breathing became increasingly rapid, flashes of that same ice cold water washing over him.
"I hate you so much, so I need you to wake up." He forced out, his voice more uneven than it was before, feeling in his hands now lost, even as one was still clinging to hers. "I need you to wake up so I won't-" another hopeless sob. "So I won't hate you."
His lungs tightened, and for a short moment he genuinely wondered if he was still covered in water. Perhaps he never made it out and he was still floating there with Raewyn.
He began to rock back and forth, trying to ground himself and force more air out of him. His body has begun to heat up significantly, and it took everything in him not to tear his clothes off in agony and panic.
"I love you so much, I don't want to." He cried, nausea flooding his senses as he suddenly became very light headed. He stopped rocking, and remained still again. His forehead still against their intertwined hands, his breathing coming out too quick for his liking. "I don't want to. Please."
White dots danced across his vision, his head now extremely heavy contrary to what he had felt earlier. The sobs became more painful to push out, all air running on their last support once more. Was this it? Would he fall beside her again? Perhaps this was how it would end.
"Fi, help!" The dwarf managed out, panic seeping into his features as he realised his body was shutting down on him.
Only a second after the call, the blonde ran in, anxiety stricken on his face. "Did she-" But then he saw his brother's figure on the floor, his shoulders slumping with every breath he took - which was too quick for Fili's liking.
Immediately, he ran towards him, dropping beside him as he grabbed Kili's shoulders, tearing him away from Raewyn. "Kili, what happened?"
"I don't know." He sobbed, desperately gulping in more air as his shaking hands fell to his side. Droplets of sweat began to run down his back and head, alerting Fili of his state.
"It's going to be alright." He consoled, holding his brother against his chest, trying to comfort him. "Oín!" The dwarf shouted, hoping the medic hadn't left yet.
Limp against the blonde's figure, nothing but horror settled into Kili's system, completely unaware of what was happening. The only thing that crossed his mind was Raewyn's unconscious figure and his own body fighting him.
"I can't breathe." He mustered out.
"I know," Fili shushed, rubbing his brother's back soothingly, tucking his chin over Kili's head. "Oín!"
"Fi-" "Ssh," the older dwarf interrupted, doing his best to maintain his own posture. "Copy my breathing."
"It's so warm."
"You're going to be alright."
"I don't want her to die."
The sobs tearing from the youngest throat did nothing to help Fili's current state. Grief had already settled in for him, but hearing the pleas and desperation of his brother hurt him more than he would have liked at the moment. He felt something in his chest crumble upon the painful weeping of Kili.
"Focus on my breathing." He repeated, breathing in with more exaggeration than he usually did, but he hoped that this way, Kili could copy him a little more. He didn't know if it had worked. The sobs didn't lessen and he could hear the gasping from air tearing from his throat. But he was quiet now. He was trying to focus.
"She'll live, Kili." The blonde tried to reassure, soothing his nerves. "She escaped goblin town with a hole in her hand. She fought through her shock in Mirkwood. She survived Morgul poisoning. She killed a dragon."
Finally, Oín entered the tent, spotting the two Durin siblings sitting on the ground, one clutching to the other, whilst the youngest remained a hopeless heap of sadness. "You'll see," Fili continued, knowing the medic had entered. "Before morn, she will sit there munching away on some old bread." Upon realising Fili eventually handled the situation, Oín left again.
The two brothers had sat there for minutes after that. Gradually, Kili's sobs seemed to slow down and his breathing began to mirror that of Fili. When the feeling in his hands returned, they clung to the back of his brother's tunic, burying his face against his chest as he let final tears fall. Fili was silent throughout all of it, save for the occasional shushing and brief praises. He would stay there with his brother all night if he had to. He knew Kili wouldn't leave. And Kili might now need him more than ever.