"What do you mean you've been here before?"
"Exactly what I said." I called back, my feet stilling of their own accord.
"Are you sure? A sandbank look like every other sandbank I've seen in my life." Diane said as she splashed out of the water, empty urn in hand.
And yet, my eyes weren't focused on the sandbank. They were drawn to the odd looking house, set back far enough from the banks that I could only see the top level of its quirky architecture and bright blue façade.
"I'm certain. I remember the house." I shook my head. "God, how did I forget this place? Mum brought me here one weekend. I might have been eight? You and Dad had gone somewhere. Camping?"
"I don't remember that."
"I'm surprised. You didn't stop bragging about how Dad wanted to spend time with you and not me."
"Okay, now that I remember." Diane sighed. "I'm sorry. I could be a brat at times."
"As if I wasn't. Besides, I got to spend time with Mum. It was mostly fun," I replied, my head, my eyes fixating on the house set back from the beach. "We were here. And then there was a man. He had dark hair, I remember that much. He introduced himself as Mum's friend but, thinking back, it didn't seem that way."
Diane paused and glanced back. Her lips pressed into a thin line. "It was him?"
Swallowing, I shrugged and stomped towards her, my feet slapping against the shallow water with each step. "I don't know."
A furrow formed between my eyebrows. The image was there, a faded movie playing in the back of my mind. Mum's face desperate. Her hands clutching as his t-shirt before he backed away, breaking their connection.
The tears which flowed freely down her face as he walked away.
"They were arguing. They tried to hide it but I knew the signs. Mum and Dad always looked the same when they were trying to argue while pretending they weren't arguing."
"Mum did always love an argument."
"The Evelyn special."
Diane sighed. "What did you want to do? Did you want to try and find him?"
I shrugged my shoulders as I reached the pile of our stuff. Snatching up a bright pink beach towel, I passed it across to Diane before snatching up my own towel. I gently dried my legs even though it was tempting just to force my feet back into my shoes and run away as fast as humanly possible.
"I don't know. No. Yes. Maybe." I huffed out an angry breath. "What would it accomplish after all this time? And besides, maybe he wasn't the one. Maybe he truly was just one of her friends? Mum always got along with men better than women."
A cold hand came to rest upon my shoulder. "And what if he is the one. What if he is -.?"
What if he is my dad?
I shook my head. I had a dad - an amazing and truly wonderful dad that raised me.
"I don't want to hurt Dad. He's already been hurt enough." I lifted my eyes and gave another shrug. "And what if he is my biological dad? Maybe my remembering was a good thing. Perhaps this means she told him and he didn't want to know. Should I really spend my time chasing after someone who didn't want me in the first place? Should I chase after a man who was complicit in destroying not just one but potentially two marriages? What if he's not a good man?"
Diane sighed and shrugged, glancing down at the urn which had held Mum only short time before.
"I'm not defending anyone's actions but we're only human. We all make mistakes. Some, admittedly bigger than others."
My hands tightened around the towel. I inhaled deeply to still the churn within my stomach. I had made my own mistakes. They haunted me every night as I tried to go to sleep. Could I really judge someone else? How many people had my actions hurt?
"What should I do?" I asked eventually, allowing my arm to drop back to my side.
"I don't know." Diane crouched to pack the empty urn into her bag alongside the towel before sliding her feet into her sandals. Then, she turned her full attention to me, the bag slung over her shoulder. "I know I discouraged you initially but it's all out in the open now. If you wanted to learn the truth? I wouldn't stand in your way."
My eyes burned with the sudden urge to cry. "Thank you. I know that was a difficult for you to say."
"Do you think you'll do it?"
I shrugged my shoulders. I wasn't sure of anything at the moment. "I'm not sure. I'm still trying to figure out a few things, you know?"
"Of course." Diane replied on instinct before offering a strained smile. "Did you want to join us all for dinner? You're more than welcome."
My eyes widened. Had she really asked that?
Her expectant expression gave me that answer. But why?
"The kids would really like to see you."
Though I could sense her offer was genuine, we both breathed a little easier when I declined. "I want to stay for a little while longer." I turned back to the horizon, the burnt orange sky darkening by the second. "I just need a moment and then I'm meeting Richie in town."
Diane raised a brow but thankfully restrained from commenting.
"Did you want me to stay? I don't like the idea of you being here on your own."
"It's fine. I promise. I won't be much longer."
"If you're sure. Then I'd best off." My sister shifted awkwardly from foot to foot, her hand clutching tightly onto the strap of her bag.
"Right."
We exchanged looks, glanced swiftly away. Would we ever get it back? The easy relationship we had when we were younger? My hands clenched at my sides. I missed it - missed her - even if she was standing a few steps away.
I hoped so. Losing Mum was a wake-up call I hadn't wanted but definitely needed. I didn't want to spend another decade avoiding her. I didn't want another decade of this – the awkward tension that neither of us knew how to address.
Diane offered a heart hearted wave and turned to leave. My chest grew tight as she started to walk away. A part of me wanted her to turn back – for her to be the one to offer an olive branch. But was it all up to her?
"Wait, Diane."
She halted.
"Yes?"
"Did you want to maybe grab dinner some time? I'd really like to get to know the kids better." I cleared my throat when she didn't immediately respond. "If that's alright with you."
She glanced back at me, a wide genuine smile plastered across her face. "I would like that. A lot."
"Cool. Great. Uh-." I reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear "Just let me know when you're free. I don't usually have much planned."
"Sounds good to me. I'll see you soon?"
I nodded my head. And this time, when she turned back around, my lips pulled up at the corners. It wasn't much but it was a start
Blowing out a shaky breath, I dropped my towel back on to my bag. Then, putting one foot in front of the other, I headed back towards the sea.
My feet stopped just out of reach of the waves so that the flow of water rushed towards me with every surge, brushing just the very top of my toes. The ocean breeze rushed past. I inhaled deeply, smiling at the briny scent as my hair whipped around my face. The last of the sun was just about visible on the horizon, but with each minute the sun drifted lower towards the horizon, full sun set only short while off. The sky became threaded with streaks of beautiful pink and orange,
Breathing deeply, I glanced side to side. The stretch of sand and sea was empty for a good distance in either direction. I exhaled and shook my head.
"I wish you were here, Mum." My lips pulled up into a smile. "I wish I could speak with you. God, I feel so stupid talking out loud when I know you can't even hear me." I laughed but there was no joy in it. "I'm lost, Mum. I'm still trying to figure out who I am without you. You were just – everything."
A bigger wave surged towards me, covering my feet in cold water before receding just as quickly. I shivered.
"I don't even know what to do anymore. For so long, everything was about protecting and caring for you." I swallowed. "All I know for certain is that you're gone and you're not coming back. You're gone."
I inhaled sharply, a leaden weight dropping into my stomach. I had known it since the call. And yet, deep in my heart, the hope had been there. Hope that they had made a mistake and she was still alive.
Scattering her ashes into the water and watching the water carry them away just made it real. She was gone. She wasn't coming back. I would never see her again.
Exhaling shakily, I wrapped my arms around my waist. My cheeks rapidly grew damp as tears seeped down my cheeks. It was a purging. My heart ached and yet, it was lighter somehow. She was no longer in pain. Mum had always believed there was something more – something that came after. I just had to believe she was right. I had to believe that she was somewhere happier – somewhere with less pain.
And I was still here. I was still lost. I was still hurting.
"I just wish you were here to tell me what to do." I said, the sun now almost completely beneath the horizon, the sky slowly darkening. Eventually, I allowed my arms to drop back to my side. Then, taking one last look at the horizon, I whispered, "Goodbye, Mum. I love you."
Turning, I took one step and then another towards the scary and unknown future before me.