I've been in New York for a month now and it's been quite an adjustment. Harry is back on tour in England and we've managed to talk at least once every day since I've been here. I started my internship with Simon and Schuster and it's been good so far. Right now I'm doing personal assistant type stuff, but it's good experience and hopefully will help me get my foot in the door. My boss is one of the top editors in the company and she's so helpful with advice and guidance as I've expressed my interest in becoming a published author myself one day.
I miss Victoria like crazy and I miss the whole vibe of LA. It's definitely more laid back than the craziness of New York City. I'm adjusting though. I decide to go out for drinks tonight with some of my coworkers and it's the first time I've been out in the city really. I'm asked about my personal life, to which I don't mention Harry or anything like that. I politely smile and say that I'm single but not really looking to get into anything right now. A text from Harry comes through and it's just a goodnight one as it's getting really late across the sea and I respond back with a quick goodnight one as well.
"Boyfriend?" The voice asks me from my right. It's Trevor who works on the fourteenth floor and we always bump into each other on the elevator going in and leaving each day. We also seem to have the habit of getting coffee at the same time as well. He's nice and he's definitely the talk of my floor amongst the ladies.
"Just a friend. It's complicated I guess you'd say." I smile as I tuck my phone back inside my purse.
"Complicated is never fun is it? " he asks as he takes another gulp of his beer.
"It's definitely not. How about you? Are you currently involved in any complicated situations?" I laugh.
"No. I'm allergic to complicated." He laughs .
"Not a bad allergy to have." I admit.
"So, first time out with the group. Who finally persuaded you to take the plunge with our band of scoundrels?" He jokes, his Australian accent more pronounced than usual.
"Hmmm..Leah. She's a feisty one. Wouldn't take no for an answer. What part of Australia did you say you were from?" I take another shot, well aware that I'm over my limit as it is.
"Hmmm...did I even tell you I was technically from Australia or you're just trying to strike up some sort of polite conversation?" He slides closer to me in the booth.
"Maybe we didn't have that conversation. Maybe it was one of the other girls I heard talking about you in passing conversation. Shit. I don't know." I laugh and feel my cheeks get warm.
"Enlighten me on this passing conversation. I'd like to know what's being said about me. Bondi Beach by the way. That's where I'm from."
"Come on Trevor, you're going to pretend that you don't know how many girls at the company have the hots for you?" I feel the liquid courage begin to take over now.
He laughs and shakes his head a bit. Blonde hair that I'd imagine gets even lighter in the sun, I can imagine him looking like the typical surfer type guy in his birthplace. His eyes are blue and he has a perfect smile. He'd be a great fit for Leah actually. I should try to play matchmaker with those two.
"Didn't know I was such a prize. I guess I missed that memo." He laughs.
"You know who you should go out with? Leah. She's so into you and she's gorgeous." I lean in to be as discreet as possible so that no one else hears me.
"Is that right? Hmmm...interesting. I typically don't date coworkers, I don't like the drama." He answers. His eyes dart from my eyes to my lips.
"Well, if you change your mind...let me know, I'll set the whole thing up." I offer.
He laughs and shakes his head a bit. Our group begins to dwindle as the night wears on and I eventually notice we are down to five of us including Trevor and I. Leah slides into the booth to tell me that she and the three others are going to grab an Uber and head home since they all live within a couple of blocks of each other. I tell her I'm heading out soon also and Trevor tells Leah he'll be sure I make it home fine. He insists on paying my tab along with his and I pull out my phone to arrange an Uber and Trevor tells me he's already arranged one and he insists on me joining him. Within five minutes I'm in the back of the Uber with him and he mentions how glad he is that I joined everyone tonight and how much he's enjoyed spending time outside of the office getting to know me.
We arrive at my building and he asks the driver for a few minutes to walk me inside my building. He follows me inside and I thank him for the shared ride and I tell him how much fun I had.
"Can I ask you something?" He says as I fumble inside my purse for my keys before I call for the elevator. I look up at him and nod my head that he can continue.
"Earlier...you said friend and then you said complicated. Define complicated friend for me please." His eyes are serious and for some reason it makes things awkward.
"I'm not sure really how to define that. He's in England for his job for the unforeseeable future and...."
"And you're here." He finishes my sentence for me.
"Yea. Something like that." I smile.
"What sort of arrangement is there between you?" He asks.
"We are exclusive. We are both focused on our career and not dating anyone else ,but it's complicated because we're very limited to how much we can even see one another right now."
"So you're not dating anyone else but not really dating each other either?" Trevor says with a smile and a shake of his head.
"Told you it was complicated. Good thing you don't do complicated." I laugh and tease him.
"So I'm guessing he wouldn't like it if I asked you to dinner as friends?" He asks.
"Probably not, just as I wouldn't like him doing the same. "
"I understand. Can you let me know if anything changes? If suddenly you have the need to have dinner with a charming coworker from Australia then you know where to find me." He smiles and looks down at his feet for a moment. '
"Thought you didn't date coworkers?" I tease him as I press the elevator button.
"Some rules are meant to be broken Everleigh." He says softly as the elevator doors open. I give him a quick hug before turning and entering the elevator. The doors close as he's walking away and once they are completely closed I close my eyes for a moment to ground myself. In this moment I've never missed Harry more. I also realize that I feel alone in this city. Away from my best friend, away from Harry, away from everything familiar. I know that part of finding yourself is allowing yourself to be open for new experiences with new people but that scares me. It scares me because I don't want to bring new things into my life for fear that it could replace the old, familiar things. Maybe that's what scares me the most.
A little tipsy and a whole lot of feeling melancholy finds me sitting at my laptop now at 3 am writing the first words of what will become the beginning of this journey for me. The words stare back at me brightly, daring me to continue writing. This story fresh in my mind and forever imprinted upon my heart. This is the story of us. This is our beginning and even though the ending is yet to be determined, I have to believe this is the path I'm meant to take.
They say when you have an idea that the words will just flow and they'll practically write themselves and this is the situation I'm finding myself in right now. The words to describe our beginning, be it a dream or some sort of alternate reality that I haven't figured out yet. The words to describe him and how I feel about him. Our story. In my tiny bedroom in the middle of this big city I write the first chapter of what will be our story.
Time zones and distance seems to be the story of my life right now. Not knowing when I'll be able to break away to see Everleigh hasn't helped my mood one bit. I've also been writing and tossing around ideas already with Tom and Mitch for the next album which is already being planned. Strike while you're hot they always say and I know I'll need to up my game to have the same success I've had with Harry's House. I'm determined to do big things with this next album. It has to be perfect. I tell myself that after this next album I'll take a nice long break and allow myself some sense of normalcy. I'm not getting any younger and I'd like to have the time to just be for a bit.
So far Everleigh hasn't been able to give me any dates to arrange for her to come over here and I can't get over there right now so we are stuck. She's told me that she's been busy working on something and she's really excited about it. She assured me she'll tell me more when she can but for now she's being pretty secretive. Brad and Victoria are flying out next week for the tour and I'm looking forward to seeing them both. Having Victoria here will be like having an extension of Ever here.
I'm thankful for the daily texts and cute voice notes she sends me, but I'm disappointed that our schedules seem to clash more times than not and I just miss her. I agreed to do this however and I have to believe that this will all be worth it in the end.
I miss having the benefit of being able to ask Brad or Victoria how she was really doing, she's in a city where I don't have the luxury of knowing anyone I can ask if my girl is really ok. I send her a text tonight in hopes she's free to talk for a few moments before I head on stage but no reply comes immediately. Three hours later and I see her reply apologizing for missing my text and I type out a reply.
My phone rings and I'm thrilled to see it's a FaceTime call from Ever.
"God it's good to see your face." I smile as I answer her FaceTime.
"How are you Harry? How was the show?" She has her hair in a messy bun and is in a sweatshirt and she says she's just been busy with work computer stuff.
We talk about the show and how things are in New York. She tells me all about her job and she tells me about going out with her coworkers again.
"Trevor was there again?" I ask carefully. Everleigh had told me about her conversation with Trevor and I appreciated her honesty and transparency. Of course it made me a little jealous, but I trust her and she assured me she wouldn't go behind my back to go out with him. I trust her but it still makes me uneasy to know this guy asked her out and wants to date her.
She reminds me that I have thousands and thousands of girls flirting with me every night and I know she's right and I know she has to trust me just as I do her. This isn't easy though and I'm sure she feels the same way. We end the call and I tell her I'll talk to her tomorrow.
I wake several hours later and go through the same routine as always. A light breakfast, some workout time, shower and some down time before heading to the venue for soundcheck and eventually the show. Every day is the same.
"How long are you going to do this to yourself man?" Mitch asks as I finish up soundcheck.
"What do you mean?"
"You're just going through the motions H. Either take the next step and let this girl know how you feel about her and take it to the next level or you gotta let her go so you can both live your lives."
Mitch's words sting, but I know he's right. The fact that I know he's right makes me angry and moody. Of course I can tell her how I feel about her, but I can't make her any promises or real commitments when I've got more work laid out for me and she's in New York. The only other option doesn't sit well with me either and I know I'm being selfish.
"I don't want to let her go Mitch." I admit to myself and to him for the first time.
"It's hard having that blind faith H, I get it. You know I do but..."
"You don't get it Mitch. Your wife is here on tour with you. You get to do this life with her and you don't know how fucking lucky you are to do that and that's how it works with you two."
He knows I'm right. I helped bring those two together and now they are married and have a kid and I'm still alone, married to my work. I'm missing out and I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. I can't really offer Everleigh any sort of real commitment right now, but I'm not sure if she wants that either. I know it's a talk we need to have, but I refuse to have it over the phone.
"H, I know it's tough to have any sort of normal relationship. I just want you to be honest to yourself about what it is that you want." Mitch is right, I know he is.
"What I want and what I can do right now are two very different things." I reply.
Things have been easy in the past, an NDA, no strings attached, just having fun. That's easy. Feelings are complicated and it makes me uncomfortable when I'm across the ocean and I feel a certain way about someone I can't reach out and see or talk to easily. I just wish I could see her.
The show goes well and I try to reach out to Ever afterwards, but I'm unable to reach her. I send a quick text and go to bed. I let myself take a break from texts and feelings over the next few days. I just feel tired and a bit sad really. I hope it will help lift my mood for Brad and Vicks to arrive tomorrow for my Wembley shows. I'm looking forward to having Mum and Gem here for those as well. Brad lets me know when the flight will land and that he will text me when they land so that they can come straight to the venue.
I've just arrived around 2:30 to hang out at the arena and relax before soundcheck and greeting family and friends who are coming tonight. Jeff is here as well so it helps to lift my mood a bit. Mum and Gemma arrive early and are here in my dressing room area with me. Mum has noticed something is off with me and she keeps asking me to talk to her about what's wrong. She knows there's a girl I like but I've kept the details very limited. Until I know what I'm doing, there's no need to get her involved. My phone buzzes as Mum and I sit down for some tea.
Brad: landed and on our way over
H: looking forward to seeing you both x
Brad: See you soon.
I tell Mum that Brad is quite loved up and I tell her that the girl he's dating is the best friend of the girl I mentioned to her. About half an hour later the dressing room door opens and Brad walks in and greets me with a hug.
"You look tired H. Are you ok?" He says quietly.
"Yea, it's just been a long tour man. Where's Vicks?"
The door opens and Vicks strolls in with a huge smile on her face.
"Speak of the devil." I tease her as she leans in and gives me a hug and a kiss on each cheek.
"I'm going to be your new favorite person." She says confidently.
"Is that so? And why's that?" I laugh.
"Cause I brought you a prezzy and a really good one at that." She laughs.
"That makes me a bit nervous Vicks." I tease her.
Brad puts his hand on my shoulder. "Go peek out the door. It's in the hallway." I give each of them a curious glance, they are acting weird. I shake my head and laugh as I walk across the room and open the door. Every muscle in my body freezes at that moment. Standing in front of me is Everleigh Andrews.
Time zones and distance is never a good thing for any relationship and I can only imagine how impossible and complicated that is for someone like Harry. Glad to see Everleigh make her way to go see him, but will this be enough? These two have some growing to do separately before they can grow together. Thank you for reading!!!