This point is made all the more clear when Pixamena arches an eyebrow, unbelieving.
"So you're saying this man—" the woman points at the hologram of Gannet emanating from Jay's phone "—is the supervillain Stygian? How did you come to that conclusion?
Jay's eye twitches. "Is it not abundantly clear? They have the same face, skin tone, voice, and hair! You can tell it's just Stygian without his mask on!"
Pixamena crouches down, pouring kibble into several dog bowls. "So every emo dude is Stygian? I think you're just jumpy because we fought a brand-new villain."
The sidekick clenches his fists. "I'm using my power, Pixamena. I can tell it's him! We should report it to HQ, he could be targeting us! That's really bad news if he's A-class like I speculate..."
The woman rolls her eyes. "I'm not setting a wild goose chase on an innocent man just because you have a hunch. Trust me, this guy is far from a supervillain...plus, there's no way Stygian is an A-class if you took him down."
The blonde grits his teeth. "I know you look down on heroes at the bottom of the power ranking, but I'm still a hero just like you—you should be listening to me."
Pixamena stands, narrowing her eyes dangerously. "I worked too hard to get here to be assigned a babysitter," the woman growls, "show me some proof your #1 fan is a supervillain and I'll go with you to report it. Otherwise? Fuck. Off."
Jay glares, holding back vicious comments. "Fine."
Suddenly, the hero remembers the time. "Shit, we're going to be late. Let's go Pixamena, grab Pixiepuff ."
They arrive at the school only a few minutes before they're meant to give their speech. Quickwit and his partner scuttle into the auditorium, surveying the sea of bored-looking children. The youths of Neo-Houston are used to superhero speeches by now...it was probably routine to receive yet another naggy monologue from some low-level supers.
Jay swallows, nervous. He can face down super-powered maniacs any day, but he's always been poor at motivational speeches. Luckily, Pixamena is an attention hog, so she immediately takes center stage and starts her long speech about hard work and avoiding drugs. The sidekick only steps in a few times to interject a quick "That's right, Pixamena" or "Just say no to compound Z!"
However, as they reach the end of the presentation, next comes the questions. Pixamena picks a small-looking blonde girl in the front row to speak first. Jay can't help but smile, endeared by the child's fake pixie wings and sparkly tutu.
As much as he dislikes Pixamena, he can't deny she makes a positive impact on many young girls...
The child stands, looking extremely star-struck. "My name is Maria, my question is for both Pixamena and Quickwit. I want to be a hero when I grow up. What are some things I should do to be like you?"
Pixamena smiles. "That's an amazing goal Maria! Anyone can be a hero, as long as you have a passion for the greater good and the determination to make it work."
The sidekick frowns at Pixamena's response. That wasn't a very good answer...he steps forward to give his own take. "My partner is right that attitude and determination are important steps, but you should carefully consider if hero work is right for you."
Jay thinks of his own trials and tribulations...being a hero isn't easy. "My partner Pixamena puts on quite a show as we protect the city, but the reality is that hero work is a lot more than looking cute. Most will need a useful power and be prepared to face many challenges...not everyone is cut out for it."
The child's lip quivers. "So you're saying I can't be a hero? I don't have powers..."
The sidekick falters at the dismayed tone. Shit, he was fucking this up. "Um, you probably won't be accepted as a hero, but there are many ways to serve the city including as a paramedic, educator, scientist..."
Pixamena furiously rips the microphone from his grip. She glares daggers as the child begins to cry loudly. Before there's time to react though, a resounding BOOM echoes through the auditorium.
Kids scream and scramble out as two hulking figures make their way through a gaping hole in the wall. Grinning victoriously like he already won the battle, is the villain Texas and his sidekick, Taurrage.
Quickwit tenses. grabbing his staff as Pixamena transforms into her battle wear. The villain laughs boisterously, his rust-colored equine lower half rearing up dramatically.
"Look at you, princess. always gotta put on a pretty little outfit, huh? Gonna sparkle me to death?" the villain taunts.
"Texas," Pixamena growls, "what are you doing here?"
The blonde centaur grins, adjusting his wide-brimmed cowboy hat. "You didn't really think I would stand by and let you indoctrinate the young boys of Neo Houston, did you? Someone needs to show them that real heroes are men who don't prance around in heels."
Jay darts his eyes away. He doesn't agree with the villain's sexist rhetoric, but he does wish Pixamena would wear a sensible pair of tennis shoes...regardless, this idiot needs to be challenged.
"If you care so much about the children, shouldn't you have come in through the door instead of bursting through a wall?" he asks.
Texas huffs. "Don't interrupt me while I'm talking to my nemesis, soy boy"
Pixamena steps forward, brandishing her sparkly pink katana. "Shouldn't you be enjoying your honeymoon right now? You know, drinking pina coladas, relaxing, bull-riding?
Taurrage brays angrily, bashing his boxing gloves together. "If you wanted us to stay away then you should've gotten us the Kitchenaid stand mixer on our gift registry, not the Cuisineart knockoff!"
The woman glares at the massive minotaur. "I'm not spending three hundred dollars on a kitchen appliance."
"Enough talk," Texas growls, "it's wrangling time!"
Texas charges toward Pixamena, attempting to trample her. She effortlessly dodges the attack, gracefully floating above the ground on delicate wings. Meanwhile, Jay is preoccupied with Taurrage as his blue boxing glove barrels straight for the hero.
Jay manages to evade the blow, swinging his staff at the Taurrage's bovine face. However, the swing falls short as Taurrage expertly ducks, surprisingly nimble for a lumbering giant. He forcefully brings a hoof down just inches away from Jay's foot, cracking the linoleum flooring with his monstrous strength.
Jay takes the opportunity to swing his staff again, landing a direct hit on Taurrage's snout. His victory is short-lived though, as his opponent rips Jay's weapon from his hands and bends it like a toothpick.
Disarmed, Jay attempts to back away but is foiled by a brutal punch to his jaw. He stumbles to the ground, only given a few precious seconds of respite before Taurrage lunges at him once more.
There's no time to react as Jay receives a brutal hooved kick to the sternum, crying out in pain as he feels his ribcage protest under the immense pressure. He's flung into a wall, his suit the only thing keeping his internal organs intact.
Just as he is about to be crushed by the massive hoof of the Minotaur, Pixamena intervenes, conjuring a red ribbon to bind his arms and legs. Taurrage struggles, attempting to get free as Pixamena scowls and tightens the ribbons.
"You can stop now. Your hubby is incapacitated," she growls.
The Minotaur freezes, head turning to look at the unconscious form of the centaur on the ground. He bows his head in submission, recognizing his defeat.
Pixamena huffs, picking up Pixiepuff from his hiding spot and storming out of the auditorium as the authorities arrive to take the villains away.
Jay picks himself off the floor with a groan, staggering before catching up with his partner. "Thanks, Pixamena. I thought I was a goner."
Pixamena stops in her tracks, tensing. She turns to the man, eyes fiery. "Oh, so you admit I did a better job than you even while I put on a show?"
The sidekick blinks at the vitriol in her voice. Why was she so upset? "No, I—"
"Ever since we've been paired up, for three months, you constantly have to criticize me! You're just like Texas," she hisses, "you look down on me because god forbid, I want to be a female superhero that little girls can look up to!"
Jay's eyes widen. Did he say something to make her think that? Dread bubbles in his stomach as he tries to recall everything he's advised her on. "No wait, I didn't mean to—"
"Do you know what I went through to get here? I was placed in the Junior Hero Program when I was twelve. Do you realize how old I was when my agent started harassing me to add more sex appeal to my routine?"
The woman leans in, eyes narrowing. "I was sixteen. Now two years later, the Network is punishing me by pairing me with you, who has to point out everything wrong with what I do!"
Jay's heart seems to drop into his stomach. He didn't realize he was affecting his partner so much... "Pixamena, I'm sorry...I was just trying to help."
"Right," she growls, "while I appreciate your assistance, it's over. I'm requesting a new sidekick."
The hero gapes. "Pixamena, you don't need to do that, we can work something out!"
The woman is undeterred. "I've already been talking with Darius. Enjoy our signing together Friday, because it's the last time we'll be seen together."
With that, his soon-to-be former partner stomps away, leaving Jay dismayed and alone in the wrecked auditorium.
The rest of the week Jay is depressed and lethargic. There's not even any criminal mischief to distract him—he feels guilty for wishing someone would build a death ray or kidnap a news anchor. He can't help but constantly replay all his interactions with Pixamena in his head.
At the time, he'd thought he was just telling the truth, but now knowing what the hero was going through...he sees he obviously missed some social cues and acted out of line. Disappointment in himself bubbles darkly as the week progresses. He attempts to keep quiet around his partner, letting her do things her way.
Friday's signing seems to be the last blow to his mood though. He sighs as the frothing masses of Pixamena fans once again crowd the table...
Well, at least his "number-one fan" is here.
Gannet smiles, looking absolutely insane with wide brown eyes and a pair of pants gripped tightly in his hands.
Jay tries very hard not to slam his head on the table repeatedly.
"Hello, Gannet. Nice to see you again."
The man smiles even wider, if that's even possible. "You remember me?"
How could Jay forget? Stygian may think that he's being slick, but the sidekick knows better...the only thing is, Jay can't figure out why the villain is targeting him of all people. If Stygian wants revenge, why not just attack? Was he trying to get info on the Network? Or maybe Pixamena?
Trying to put the questions out of his mind, he slides on a mask of cheerfulness. "Of course! You made quite an impression. Did you want me to sign that...?"
Gannet nods his head so rapidly Jay is almost impressed. The hero raises an eyebrow as a pair of gray skinny jeans is handed over. "Strange choice, don't you think? Pants?"
The villain grins. "I want to build an outfit with your signature on every article of clothing..."
Jay can't help but release a short bark of laughter at the absurd idea. His eyes dart nervously to Gannet's face, looking for signs of anger at the outburst, but the dark-haired man is just giggling along.
"Don't worry. I won't ask you to sign my underwear..."
Unbidden, a visual of Stygian wearing a signed pair of underwear over his suit appears in Jay's mind. He laughs harder as he hands the pants back, trying and failing to catch his breath.
The laughter catches the attention of Pixamena, who suddenly has an evil glint in her eye.
"Wow, you two are getting along," she purrs. "It's Gannet, right?"
The villain smiles, waving. "Hiii, yes."
Pixamena plays with her hair, taking a sip of something neon pink from a plastic cup. "I just want to thank you for being so supportive of my sidekick. You know he's been so happy to have a fan that he's been talking all about you?"
Jay tenses, glaring at Pixamena. What the hell was she saying?!
"In fact," the woman continues, "he's too shy to ask but he really wants to exchange phone numbers with you."
Gannet nearly tears a hole in the jeans he's holding, eyes widening as he whips his head toward Jay. "Really?!"
The sidekick gives a nervous glance to all the fans that surround the area... If Stygian loses his cool here, their lives will be in danger. He grits his teeth as he realizes there's no way out—Jay is going to put Nair in Pixamena's shampoo, feed Pixiepuff chocolate, and dump her stupid collection of holographic nail polish into the ocean!
Sighing internally, Jay smiles and offers his phone to the man. "Only if you want to, of course."
Gannet snatches the phone at lightning speed, nearly throwing a sparkly purple phone at Jay. As the man furiously types in his number, the sidekick can't help but feel a headache coming on.
What did he do to deserve such a rotten life?