2022
As I stared up at the large Aloha Stadium sign looming over us, flanked on either side by my sisters with Kaipo and Keali'i following behind, I executed my best impression of someone who had their shit together.
For the most part, I thought I did. I knew I did. Too much effort had been exhausted working on bettering myself these past three years for me to not acknowledge that. I also had three whole months to mentally prepare for this night to arrive, which should have been more than enough time to get my shit together, but it was a lot scarier than it should have been, so I needed to take a second to collect my thoughts and make sense of the emotions tumbling through me before I stepped through the ticket area turnstiles.
The Hokulani as of late was a completely different person than the one who existed almost three years ago, and they were both different than the one who was about to see him face-to-face again for the first time in over two years.
"You alright?" Kanani asked. The bags under her eyes from her perpetual lack of sleep only made me that much more grateful we found a way to get her out of the house. She probably wouldn't be able to say when was the last time she did something for fun that didn't involve pacifiers, binkies, and endless Spongebob reruns. "It's a big crowd."
"The biggest," I noted, recalling the online article I read a few days ago covering the lead-up to the concert. And I wasn't even exaggerating either. MARS was the most prominent act to come out of Hawai'i, and their homecoming show was destined for the history books. The fact that we were attending in our capacity was as monumental as it was unbelievable. "I'll be fine. I think our seats are in a quieter area."
Kanani didn't look convinced. Even I wasn't sure if I believed there was such a thing as a quiet area at a MARS concert. While it was my first time attending one, it went without saying they had some of the most passionate fanbases, and their concerts reflected that.
"Not really what I was referring to when I asked if you were alright."
I knew that. But sometimes it was fun to pretend otherwise.
The large screen above proved its prowess in comedic timing when it changed to show a picture of Nikau Reed, staring at the camera with a look I could only imagine being described as smoldering had he been written in a book, likely by a woman. It wasn't an inaccurate descriptor, but I had spent so long thinking about him being somewhere else, somewhere far, far away, that remembering he was just steps away now caused my heart to do all sorts of flips. Inner Hokulani was an acrobat, apparently. I learned something new about myself every single day.
While there were no ill feelings between us whatsoever, we also hadn't talked in a while, which wasn't that unexpected. People grew apart, that was life, and we didn't hold onto any illusion that we would maintain frequent communication over the years. But it was also notable that he hadn't been the one to tell me he was going to be one of the opening acts for MARS' massive homecoming concert, and I wasn't sure if that was purposeful or just an unfortunate side effect of being the busy star that he was.
Nikau's album took a little longer than we thought to release, but once it went live, the world fell in love with him just as I had. He had even dropped a surprise EP last winter sung entirely in te reo Māori, which had also been well received. (Unfortunately, neither of those were nominated for Grammys.) (What did the Recording Academy know when they snubbed MARS' Nuclear Fusion of any awards.)
To say he was busy was an understatement of the highest degree, truly. While his label was shit at promoting him the way they did their other talents—it wasn't hard to guess what those artists looked like or where they came from—he still found a way to make a name for himself, and his heightened trajectory wasn't slowing down any time soon. Unsurprisingly so, given his indelible talent. The world was lucky to have him, just as I had been for that year he spent in Hawai'i.
I held no claim to him, but I didn't like the idea that he had been in Hawai'i for any amount of time without me. While I wasn't the reason he even came to our home in the first place, it was safe to say we had spent the most time together. Anthony even admitted so at one point after Nikau had left.
"I'll be fine," I reassured her. "I'm here to enjoy the concert. There are absolutely no expectations."
"You sure?" She looked convinced enough, but she was kind enough to give me an out on the off chance I wanted to take one. "'Cause we can leave if you want to. No one says you have to do this."
I rolled my eyes and shoved her along. The rest of the group had not-so-subtly walked ahead of us, giving us the space we needed to talk privately. Or as privately as two people could while on the stadium grounds of one of the biggest shows to ever take place on the island. I was slightly relieved Anthony, Alex, and the rest of their crew had driven over to the stadium by themselves so I wouldn't have to endure any gentle prodding from him about where Nikau and I stood. If he wanted that information, he was better off prying it from Nikau.
"That's never happening."
"It'll happen if I say it's happening."
I didn't say anything, choosing instead to continue pushing her ahead of me. After a few stubborn steps, Kanani relinquished herself to my course correction, which included pulling up behind the rest of our group that was already waiting in line to grab some garlic fries and funnel cake.
Getting any type of merch was already out of the question with how long all of those lines were. As I glanced from left to right in search of an ending, I couldn't find one. Everything seemed neverending in the worst way possible. Maybe if we were lucky, we would be able to snag something from MARS' manager or the assistant that had contacted Leimomi about singing Hawai'i Pono'i.
It hadn't hit me until we were standing there just how close he was after spending so long apart.
Once we secured some food, the guys went to go find our seats and make sure no one was sitting in them while my sisters and I made our way over to the security area so we could be escorted downstairs. Jenny, MARS' assistant, assured Leimomi that she would have a small dressing room to get ready in before she went out to perform, but my sister was low maintenance and wouldn't need it.
Small was the descriptor applied to Leimomi's dressing room, but it was still bigger than my bedroom back home. Even from where we were located, the sound of the audience stampede rained over us like a thunderstorm. Once the three of us were sealed off in the dressing room, only after we had promised Jenny we were okay, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
Even though we arrived as early as we possibly could considering Kanani and Keali'i had to hire a babysitter for the night, we didn't have nearly as much time to explore the stadium as we would have liked. We had been there countless times over the decades, but never in these areas, and they were filled with memorabilia of everyone who had ever visited these halls.
"Hoku?"
I shifted in my seat. "Huh?"
"We're gonna go meet Stevie really quick before Lei has to go to the stage. Do you want to come with us?" There was an invisible additive tacked onto her question there that wasn't said out loud. Nikau would probably be there as there was no way he would let them make their introductions without seeing them off as well.
The answer should have been an immediate yes, because what the hell else was I supposed to do? Come to the biggest concert this island had ever seen, get the luxury of seeing backstage, and not meet the lead singer whom I admired? It would have been an incredibly foolish thing to pass up, which was probably why I hesitated.
I didn't know why I was so nervous. It shouldn't have been a big deal. And I wasn't about to make it out of that show without eventually facing him at some point. But all the work I had done at pretending like I had my shit together fell away too easily as I shook my head. Kanani pouted.
"You're gonna just sit in here?"
"Yup."
"Hoku."
"Kanani."
"You came all the way over here—"
"Can't wait to see Lei perform."
She hesitated. Then, after putting on her big sister shoes, she decided to give me a break, though I had no doubt in my mind that she would be back here as soon as she could to force me out of the room. I had to leave eventually. I was just prepared to postpone that for as long as I could.
"Suit yourself. But you already know what's coming next."
"Yup."
"I'll give Stevie your best wishes."
"Tell her I love her more than life itself."
Kanani closed the door behind them.
My plan proved to be shit when I realized I was left all alone with my thoughts. Except now, instead of staring up at my ceiling fan as I had been for the past three days, I was in the actual stadium, which was infinitely worse. I couldn't at least enjoy the comfort of my own bedroom to console the fact that I had no idea how I felt about this.
All I saw when I stared at the mirror was me. More specifically, me with him. Every sense was flooded with my memories of our time together, as short and fleeting as it was in the grand scheme of things, and I couldn't help but wonder what possibilities we could have had if we had all made different choices. Not that I regretted anything we did. It was just sometimes nice and also terrifying to think of the what-ifs.
It was a lot of unnecessary pressure I put on myself to think of how I could make this visit perfect. Perfect not because it was flawless but because it would be exactly what we needed. In the end, it shouldn't have mattered, right? It was always going to be exactly what we needed.
It only took about fifteen minutes for me to decide that I would rather face whatever uncertainty lay ahead of me instead of letting myself continue to go stir-crazy in that dressing room any longer. So, after putting my big girl pants on and painting on a brave face as if I was going into war, I walked up to the door, flung it open without a care in the world, and proceeded to walk straight into someone immediately upon exiting the room.
Whatever they were drinking spilled all over the concrete floor. The unnaturally bright orange color was unmistakable, as was the tart smell that seemed to bleach the air.
"Oh, shit," I gasped and almost bent down to help wipe it up before I realized I didn't have anything to use. "I'm so sorry."
"That's alright," he said.
My focus the entire time had been on the mess I made, but once the person spoke up, I froze in place knowing exactly who it was. Life was incredibly silly, sometimes. I couldn't write this moment even if I was working on a script for the worst romantic comedy known to man.
The world stopped and sped up all at once. Time slipped away until the years seemed to come to a grinding halt, back to that moment in 2020 when I stood at the curb of the airport and waved him goodbye. He was as beautiful now as he was then, though a matured version of himself. His skin glowed under the fluorescent lights. It was unfair how he somehow still managed to look so attractive under the unflattering light.
"Hi," I said. Squeaked. Like a child who had no idea what she was doing. How could someone who had shared so much of herself, bared so much of her soul to this person, become this embarrassed?
But I clearly didn't give us enough credit for this moment—perfect in exactly the way we needed it to be; in the way it could only be for us—because once he smiled, I breathed a sigh of relief. All of the tension rushed out of me, and I remembered who we were. A golden ray of love, untouched by the years spent apart, glowed within my chest. Somehow, I felt it within him too.
"Hi," he said with a laugh.
"Sorry."
Nikau Reed smiled at me. God, was that a smile.
"You sure know how to leave a good first impression, huh?"
I smiled back at him. "All of your best ones."