July 5th, 2022
Settling into conversation with Cassie was surprisingly easy.
She talks wildly with her hands. She laughs, a lot. She knows how to keep a conversation going. She believes crystals have powers. She's smart. She blinks a lot.
She's intimidatingly beautiful.
It's like she doesn't even have to try, although I can tell she put effort into her appearance for today. I'm past the point of denying my attraction towards her, obviously. Her pull on me was too strong for me to ignore, and I had to try.
I haven't said much, but she doesn't seem to mind. I've always been quiet. It takes me a lot of time to warm up to people. I can enjoy a good, real conversation with Zayn easily, but with people I'm not familiar with it's like the part of my brain that controls my speech shuts off. It didn't really matter to me that I never had close friends because of it, just Zayn and a few acquaintances had always been good enough.
But as I sit here next to Cassie while she talks animatedly next to me about how she misses the summer heat back home, I wish I could provide more than the occasional question and head nods. I wish I had the capacity to tell her that I want to try harder to give her more, it's just going to take time.
"So where are we going to eat?" Cassie bounces from the previous topic, reaching down to change the song on her phone.
"Don't worry about it," I wave her off, purposely avoiding the topic. What she doesn't know is I've already been to the garden today. I didn't want to half ass this. I decided in the spur of the moment on Sunday to test the waters with Cassie and since I started it and I was lucky enough for her to agree, I'm going to try to do this right.
"You're always so vague," she rolls her eyes. "Will you ever answer any of my questions with more than just enough to get me to stop talking?"
"Maybe," I smirk at her, laughing when she frowns at my response. The small pout that sits on her lips almost dares to make the heat rise on my cheeks, but luckily we pull into our destination effectively ending the conversation.
Cassie looks a little confused upon pulling up on the side of the dirt road to park outside of the garden, but doesn't question anything. We step out of her ugly ass car at the same time and she dramatically stretches her arms out like we've been driving for days, even though it couldn't have been longer than thirty minutes. I'm immediately grateful for the time I had chosen for this seeing her glow under the afternoon light, her blue eyes twinkling when she catches my gaze, a sly smile forming on her face as she looks me up and down.
"Staring, are we?" Cassie brushes her pink hair out of her face before walking toward me, her arm slightly outstretched.
"In your dreams," I retort, taking a step back towards the entrance of the garden.
There's nothing but the sounds of our footsteps on the dirt and then eventually over the grass, but I know Cassie is only quiet because she's taking in the garden around her. The hydrangeas look their brightest this time of year, thriving in the Washington summer weather.
This is only her second time here so I lead the way to a specific spot I have picked out, knowing this place like the back of my hand. I've spent so many hours in this place I'd know exactly where I was at all times blindfolded. My palms are sweaty as we near the unfinished gazebo right in the middle of all the flowers and I curse myself for turning into such a pussy.
You see why feelings suck?
I turn to gauge Cassie's reaction a few feet before the large wooden platform and I see that even though my pace slowed almost to a stop, she walks towards the set up almost in a daze. I'd come here this morning and hung up pink string lights over the wooden posts lining the platform that we'll able to see once the sun goes down. I laid down a big, fluffy blanket with a bunch of pillows, trying to make it feel as comfortable as possible. And of course, a bouquet of peonies waiting for her in the center.
Right before I picked Cassie up, I bought us takeout from a Chinese food place and hoped I got at least something that she liked to eat. I wanted everything to be a surprise and looking at her face turn from shock to damn near giddiness, it was all well worth it.
When did I become such a fucking sap?
"Harry..." she breathes through her smile. "This is beautiful. I don't even know what to say."
"It's no big deal," I shrug her off, moving to get comfortable in a spot on the ground. "I'm glad you like it, that's what matters."
Cassie sits down next to me, holding up the bouquet of peonies, her face turning an almost scarlet red while she lays them next to her out of the way. "Like it? I love this. No one has ever done anything even close to something like this for me. Thank you... so much."
"Don't sweat it. Check it, I got orange chicken, fried rice, chow mein, kung pao shrimp, white rice, egg rolls, and curry chicken. Pick your poison," I shrug her off again, dodging her compliments.
"Are you real? Am I dreaming?" she giggles to herself, picking up the curry chicken first with chopsticks, using them like a pro. I pick up my own pair and grab the chow mein while she continues on. "How did you manage to pull this off? Did you do this all today?"
"Well this half gazebo has been here for about a year, but yeah I came here this morning to set everything else up and I grabbed the food just before I got you," I take a bite and avoid her eyes. "I really wanted to make a good impression. Don't let it get to your head, pinks."
"This is perfect Harry," she assures me, giving me a soft look.
We eat until we can't anymore, Cassie doing the majority of the talking while I ask her questions about anything and everything, wanting to soak in and know everything about her. I could listen to this girl talk for hours. I learn that she travels a lot and about how she came from Chicago before this, before that she was in Orlando, and then before that she was in Atlanta, always working waitressing jobs to fund her lifestyle. Cassie seems to take pride in being nomad, telling me about her experiences in each part of the country and I can see why someone like her would enjoy that.
She talks about her family but I can see that she purposely avoids the topic of her mom and I respect that fully. Her dad still lives in her childhood home in Arizona with a woman who she highly suspects is his girlfriend, but she's otherwise a close family friend. Her and her dad don't talk much, but they never have and she seems to be fine with that.
"What about you? Any siblings? I'm an only child and I always wanted a sibling. I was always jealous of my friends growing up with brothers and sisters." I feel my breath catch in my throat, and I swallow back the urge to snap at Cassie for bringing that up, but I tell myself she doesn't know.
She doesn't know.
It's been a little longer than probably acceptable to give an answer, but Cassie waits patiently without saying anything else, only to reach over to grab the rolling papers and grinder from the blanket beside her.
"Uh, haven't seen her in a long time," I clear my throat. "Any pets? Always wanted a dog."
She doesn't question the sudden change in the subject and my heartbeat slows down a bit. I watch her skillfully roll a joint, licking the paper and peering up at me through her eyelashes as she does it.
Well that's one way to distract me.
"I have a dog at home!" She says excitedly, putting the joint in her mouth to light it. "He's a Rottweiler and my best friend. His name is Willie. My dad takes care of him for me, I didn't think it'd be fair to keep him in tiny apartments and living out of a van while I travel. He's got a big backyard to run around in."
"Dogs are sick. I always had cats growing up. They were cool too, but they only liked my mom," I shrug, taking the joint from her and blowing the smoke straight up into the air.
Cassie's eyes light up at this bit of information, and I have to admit I didn't intend to even give her that. It just slipped out almost naturally and it feels okay.
Baby steps.
We don't say anything to each for a while after that, laying down in the plush of blankets and passing the rolled up weed back and forth in a comfortable silence. Out of the corner of my eye I notice Cassie look over at me a few times, but I continue to stare up at the stars.
"If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you want to be?" Cassie asks up into the sky, and when I turn to look over at her she has her eyes closed and her arms folded over her chest.
"Hm," I think for a moment, going through different places in my mind of anywhere else I'd rather be than Seattle. It's not something I've thought about in a long time. This is the place I think I was meant to be in. "I don't know, I kind of dig Seattle. It's home. I like where I am."
"Have you ever lived anywhere else? Besides England?"
"Uh, briefly in Portland, but other than that no," I tell her honestly. "What about you? Where would you be?"
"Sweden," she says without missing a beat. "I've always wanted to live there. That's definitely on my travel bucket list if I ever make it out of the country."
"If you ever make it out of the country?" Her wording concerns me a little, and I remember how little I know about her and the fact that whether or not her secrets concern me, she has them regardless my walls build up just a little bit as I wait her response.
"There's just a lot of places I want to visit in the States and traveling is expensive," she looks at me genuinely as she says it and I relax slightly.
"Why Sweden?"
"I just love beautiful places. The scenery, the culture, the atmosphere. It's everything I want. It's an absolute dream for me. That's probably the first place I would go given I ever had the opportunity to move out of the country," she explains. Her eyes open slowly and I look away, gazing up at the moon in the dark blue sky, night having not quite come over yet.
"Do you ever want to settle in one place?" I turn my head to face her, but I notice the question makes her breath catch just slightly, and her eyes flicker over to look at me for a second before turning back up to the sky.
"I'd love to," she says so quietly I almost didn't hear her. This brings a million questions to the surface, but I keep them down. I expect her to continue but instead she plays with the one ring on her middle finger, twisting it back and forth.
Cassie sits straight up and looks over and down at me, picking up the rolling papers and weed again and raises her eyebrow like she's asking for permission, and there's not a bone in my body that's wants to deny her anything so I nod, staying in spot on the ground.
"I want to know about you Harry. I've talked about myself all night, I want to get to know you," she says softly down at the paper in her hand.
Of course she wants to get to know me. This is what people do at these fuckin' things right? Thats the whole point.
"What do you want to know?" I ask her, partly to stall and partly because I truly don't know where to start.
"What are your hobbies? What are your dreams? Who are you?" she responds, laying back down beside me to light the second joint of the night.
"Well uh." Fuck. "I... like to journal. I..." I pause, struggling to give her anything else. It's like I've completely blanked on anything about myself. My brain is glitching out.
I see Cassie's head turn towards me as she passes the weed with a frown on her face. "If we're going to do this, whatever this is, you have to give me something. Open up, just a little. How can I show you that you can be vulnerable with me?"
You already have, I want to say. It's me.
"Listen... Cassie...," I start, wanting to be honest with her. "I don't know what to say. Please be patient with me."
I'm pleading at her with eyes and her gaze softens a bit at my state. "It's okay. I can be patient. But how will we know if we'll work together if I don't know who you are?"
"Fine, you wanna know how I pulled this off tonight?" I blurt out. I keep looking up at the sky as she nods her head quickly, exhaling the smoke away from my face. "This is my garden."
Cassie almost topples over trying to sit up and I resist the urge to call her a dumbass, but I laugh and sit up with her.
"This is your garden?! How- what- how-?"
I laugh at her stumbling and I feel proud of myself for throwing her off so bad.
"I've been gardening since I was a kid. I came into a decent amount of money when I turned 18 and I bought this plot of land with it. It started really small, it hasn't been until the last year or so I got it looking like this. I have a few groundskeepers, but I spend a good amount of time here," I ramble on.
This garden is my pride and joy. It's everything to me. Not one person knows I own this, not even Zayn. It's open to the public technically, but we don't get many visitors. The way it's hidden in the mess of trees and backroads, you'd have to be looking for it or stumble across it by accident to find it. You'll see the the occasional teenage couple or family walk through, but otherwise it's mostly myself and the groundskeepers here. I can afford to pay them and keep up the maintenance here with the money I earn from Jim, which is another reason I put myself through what I do at work.
Lately I haven't spent as much time here as I would like, but now that Cassie knows, I want to bring her here with me more. She see's me at Voodoo and although another one of my passions is taxidermy, this is truly where I am in my full
element.
"Harry this is... I'm speechless. This is amazing, I—"
"Listen," I cut her off. "You're the only person who knows. Please keep it that way."
Her eyes widen at my tone and she nods with enthusiasm. "I wont tell a soul. Thank you for trusting me."
The next few hours pass by in the blink of an eye and before we know it it's already nearing 10pm. We spent a straight six hours together and I can truly say this is one of the best nights I've had in a long time. Cassie makes me feel like I can just be me, and there isn't any strings attached to it. She's seen a few different sides of me and has never once passed on her judgement, only tried to understand it.
We smoke and talk until we're both yawning, but neither one of us seem to want to be the one to break away from this. Cassie doesn't directly ask anymore questions, but allows me to go at my own pace for the rest of the time. She easily takes back over and we're back to what feels like us, two people who understand each other. Her, talking about anything and everything, and me making stupid jokes and asking her questions.
If I wasn't already fucked before, I definitely am now.
She is radiant. Cassie is truly unlike anyone I've ever met before and I wish things weren't so complicated. I have a sick feeling that whatever she's keeping from me could make or break whatever this is. Which why I've decided that however we take this between us, we keep it strictly casual.
That sick feeling flip flops between that and the stupid fluttering nauseousness I feel when her eyes sparkle at me, when she laughs so hard she squeaks, when she talks really fast about something she's passionate about... I could go on forever.
She's laying on her back, looking up at the sky and I lay on my side, staring at the side of her face as she talks about her "dream" of living on a star. Although at this point, I think she's just babbling. Weed doesn't affect me the way it used to, at some point I just level out if I'm smoking. Edibles are another story. Cassie has a high tolerance, but we have smoked quite a bit tonight and I can see it's definitely gotten to her at this point.
"You can see the stars so clearly from here. The sky is so beautiful," she sighs after her speech.
Her blue eyes sparkle under the moonlight and my stomach turns at the sight. "It is," I say, but in this moment I don't care about the sky. I don't care about the moon or the stars or the planets. All I can see is her.
"Should we head back?" She turns to face me and lays on her side, propping her head up on her hand.
It's well past 10pm at this point, meaning we've spent the last six hours together. Every fiber of my being is screaming at me to kiss her. This would be the perfect way to end the night. Just grab her face and kiss her. Show her how much you like her. Show her she has been slowly putting the stars back into your sky since the day she walked into Voodoo.
But I don't.
"Do you want to come back to my place?" I blurt out instead, my mouth working before my brain can catch up. She stares at me and blinks so I continue. "Just for a last smoke together, no pressure."
Cassie continues to stare at me like she's unsure of what to say, but then she smiles softly and subtly puts her hand out towards me before withdrawing it. "Yeah, I'd love that Harry."
"Cool. Uh, I'll just uh, clean this up real quick. Mind if I throw the blankets in your van?" I fiddle with the rings on my fingers while I speak.
"No, go ahead, I'll help," she smiles and it almost it brings me to my knees.
Together, we get the area cleaned up in no time and soon enough we're back in the car, me in the drivers seat and her next to me looking for a song. While we were loading up the back of the car, we decided to stop on the way out to get ice cream and we're now arguing about the best ice cream flavor.
"You're fucking disgusting," I tell her as I put my arm on her headrest to back out of the dirt pathway. "Mint chocolate chip is just cold toothpaste."
"Take it back!" she points a finger at me with an angry look on her face. "Mint chocolate chip is the elite. You're just wrong, plain and simple."
"Whatever you say, Molly Ringwald," I roll my eyes.
"Molly Ringwald?"
"Pretty in Pink? I don't know, not my best. You're still wrong," I shrug.
"And you're still an asshole."
"Ouch. I'm wounded. I thought we had moved past that," I clutch my chest in fake annoyance.
"Anyway, you like rocky road. That's so basic," she ignores my comment.
I roll my eyes and smile, ready with something else to say, but I catch the song that's started playing over the speakers. You Make My Dreams (Come True) by Daryl Hall and John Oates. My sister and I used to use our mom's round hair brush as a microphone and slide around the kitchen to this song. I feel a pang in my chest, but it doesn't hurt as bad as it used to.
There's a sudden shift in the air and Cassie seems to have noticed. Of course she has. It's like she can read me like a book. No one has ever been able to read me so well, so quickly. Out of the corner of my eye I see she's laid her arm out over the center console with her hand up turned, almost like she's inviting me to find comfort in her touch without forcing me to. And that's enough for me to decide that no matter what, I will make sure this night ends on a good note.
Cassie reaches for her phone in the cup holder with her other hand and changes the song to something I don't recognize but it has a sort of pop vibe to it. She picks up her tote bag from the floor of the car and digs around until she pulls out a tube of chapstick and starts using it as a tiny microphone to sing along with the song.
She's so ridiculous it makes me roll my eyes but I laugh with her, try to sing along to some of the repetitive "oh's" in the song only making her laugh harder when I completely miss.
I'm so done for.
"I like you," I say quietly, wanting create an opening for what I'd like to say next.
I hear Cassie's breath catch slightly and then she's leaning across the console, as close as she can be to me without touching me.
"I like you too, Harry," she breathes. "A lot more than I expected to."
We pull up to the small convenience store down the street from my apartment for me to run in and grab our pints of ice cream. I sit with the car in park, thinking about my next words carefully as I don't want them to come out wrong and mess up everything we've created tonight.
"I'd like to just keep us... casual for now. I just don't want any pressure. We can keep doing what we're doing, I just want to take this slow." I turn to face her, not really sure of what to expect, but to my surprise she looks relieved?
"I'm so glad you said that," she tells me genuinely. "I haven't really seen anyone in a long time. It's scary. I'd like casual."
I nod and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and smile to myself, feeling any tension in the air lift. She stays in the car while I run into the store to grab her toothpaste ice cream and my own pint of rocky road, and we make it back to my apartment a little after 11pm.
We walk up the outside steps and I unlock the door, suddenly really nervous about what she's going to think. And now I can't remember what state I left the place in earlier today. Did I do the dishes? Did I pick up my laundry from the floor? Oh god.
Thankfully when I turn the light on the place is clean enough. Cassie walks ahead of me and sets her bag down on my kitchen counter, looking around and inspecting her surroundings. I stand in the middle of the living room and scratch the back of my neck awkwardly while she looks over my bookshelf in thought. Her eyes wander up above it to my bearded dragon's necklace and reaches out to touch the bones between her fingers.
"Is this real?" she asks softly.
"Yeah," I respond quietly, walking forward to stand next to her. "This was Lacey. My first and only pet. Jim helped me make this out of her bones."
"I wish I could have met her," she sighs, looking over at me and then back at the necklace.
"She would have loved you," I tell her honestly. Lacey would have loved Cassie's gentle nature.
"Where do you want to smoke at?" she turns to face me and once again I'm made of aware of how close we are. So close, but never touching. Never close enough. But I just can't do it yet.
"Outside, on the terrace." I lead her away from the living room, through the kitchen and out of the back door to my favorite place in my apartment.
Inviting Cassie to my place was another way I was attempting to be vulnerable with her. This is my sanctuary. I don't like having people over, I don't like sharing my space, and I don't like hosting. I never bring back my one night stands here. Zayn and I rarely even hang out here.
My terrace is the place I spend the most time at when I'm home. It's usually where I read and write. I have a huge collection of houseplants that reside out here and it's therapeutic to take care of them. Everything is bright and colorful and mismatched and it's very much the me I wish I could be.
"You've been hiding this place from me for what reason?" Cassie looks at me incredulously and then returns to walking down the makeshift pathway between the furniture. She stops and puts a few plant leaves between her fingers every so often, very gently rubbing the leaves and moving on before plopping down on the maroon couch.
"I had to make sure you were cool enough. Only my coolest friends are allowed out here." I sit down on the couch next to her, putting a cushion of space between us as she takes her rolling papers out. I reach under the glass coffee table and hand her my jar, wanting to contribute to this session at the very least.
"Glad I'm a part of the cool kids club," she flashes me a smile and gets to work on rolling. This time she rolls two joints and hands me one of them, pulling a lighter out of her pocket and lighting her joint before handing it over to me.
I stretch my legs out and lean back against the back of the couch, blowing the smoke straight up into the air and relaxing into my seat. I feel like my thoughts are the calmest they've been in a long time. No thoughts of work, of Jim, or of the trauma that follows me. I feel so free in this moment.
Cassie and I sit in silence while we smoke, just enjoying the evening air together. My fingers drum on the cushion between us while her hand sits palm facing up beside mine and my heart swells at the gesture. But it's then that I realize something very important for when you're on a date and I feel like a huge jackass.
"Cassie?" I turn my body to face her, propping my right leg up on the seat and leaving my other leg on the ground. I place my arm across the back of the couch to smoke while I speak.
"Yeah?" She blinks slowly at me, leaning back comfortably against the pillow on the couch.
"You look really beautiful. You always do."
The moonlight dances over her skin and I swear it doesn't matter what light she's in. What scenery she's around. Nothing matters, she always looks angelic in every setting. My comment makes her blush and look down in her lap, but I can see a small smile playing on her lips.
"You don't look so bad yourself, Styles," she smiles wide with her teeth, putting the butt of her joint out in the ashtray and I follow suit.
"I need some tea before I drive you back to your place," I stand up and yawn loudly. I place my hands behind me and crack my back and then reach up to crack my neck while Cassie stares at me in horror.
"What the fuck was that! You're going to kill yourself!"
"Don't be dramatic," I roll my eyes at her and laugh. "It feels good."
"Jesus, that made my neck hurt just watching that," she shudders. "So, are you gonna make me some of your nerd tea?"
My mouth falls open and I raise my eyebrows at her playfully. "Well I was, but not with that attitude."
She giggles at me and gets up, walking past me and through the french doors leading back inside. I get to work on our tea, ready to show her that when tea is made right it's definitely superior to bitter ass coffee. I start the kettle and lean back against the counter and she hops up on top of the island, thumping her feet lightly against the cabinets.
I can't help but give her a small smirk as I admire her. Something about this feels so domestic and once again I'm surprised that I like the feeling. A lot. There's parts of me inside that don't feel so empty when Cassie is around.
She wiggles her eyebrows at me when she notices me looking at her. I walk toward her slowly and contemplate my next move carefully. I put my arms on either side of her hips and she leans back on her hands, licking her lips and looking up at me.
"I had a good time tonight," I say lowly, looking from her eyes to her hips.
Her breath catches in her throat before she speaks. "M-me too."
"You still want that ice cream?" I turn away from her and open the freezer to grab our containers. When I turn back around to face Cassie, her face is slightly red from that small moment, but she grabs the ice cream anyway and waits patiently for a spoon while I pull one out of the drawer next to her.
"Do you want to come with me to a bar this weekend?" She asks as she eats. "It's a speakeasy. It's based off Alice in Wonderland, I've heard it's cool."
"What's a speakeasy?" I ask, not sure if I've ever heard the term before.
"Speakeasy's were illegal bars back in the Prohibition Era and they were usually hidden and required a password to get in, and so the bar that we're going to this weekend requires a password. They're all over the place. Sometimes they're hidden in the back of random stores or restaurants inconspicuously or back alleys camouflaged. It's pretty cool concept. This one is underground," she explains. That's definitely interesting.
"Yeah I'd love to go. That sounds like a lot of fun," I tell her honestly. "I used to love Alice in Wonderland as a kid."
"I was actually terrified of Alice in Wonderland as a kid," she laughs. "Not because the movie itself, but because I used to watch my dad play PC games when I couldn't sleep and he used to play this game called Alice where he went around stabbing monsters or something, and it scared the shit out of me. I didn't watch the movie until I was a teenager."
"Zayn actually plays that game, that's hilarious," I laugh. The game is really ridiculous looking but I can definitely imagine a small child being scared of it.
We finish our ice cream and by then the kettle is done, although I'm already feeling more awake after the sugar rush and being up and moving around. I prepare our tea and hand Cassie her mug and watch as she sniffs it and then blows on it.
"Did you just sniff that? What did you think it would smell like?" I cackle and take a sip of my tea.
"I don't know!" she laughs. "I thought it would smell different!"
"Are you going to try it or are you just going to stare at it?" I poke at her and she frowns, but puts the mug up to her lips anyway.
"It's... pretty good. What's in it? It's creamy."
"Milk and sugar. Good right?"
"It is. But coffee will always have my heart," she grabs her chest and sighs.
"You're wrong," I say simply and her jaw drops open in fake offense. "You have horrible taste."
"I think you're talking about yourself," she points back but holds back a laugh.
I roll my eyes and lean back against the counter and drink my tea quickly. Cassie blows on her yea a bit between sips before speaking again.
"Do you miss your hometown?" she asks casually and I take a moment to think about how to respond to the question carefully without opening a can of worms.
"I... do. But I wouldn't go back now," I say with confidence.
"Do you have family there still?" she asks softly.
"Maybe. I'm not sure. I don't really care to know if I do," I shrug and it's true. The only people I would want to go back to are dead.
"Why wouldn't you go to back?"
"What's with all the questions?"
"I just want to know you Harry! What's so wrong with that? I want to know you. I don't understand why you get so defensive every time I just try to get to know you," she snaps at me and I feel a spark of anger at her sudden attitude.
"Damn Cassie, it's the first fucking date! Why does everything have to be right now?" I scoff, setting my mug on the counter and running a hand through my hair.
"I just feel like I can relate to you!" she blurts out. "I left everything behind and it can be so isolating being in new places, I thought we could relate on that!"
"I've lived here since I was fifteen fuckin' years old Cassie, what do you want me to say!" I throw my hands up in exasperation.
"You're so fucking frustrating. I don't get you. Why did you even ask to do this if you weren't going to participate? This whole night has been me talking about myself. I've talked about my dad, my dog, my interests, my fucking childhood. I appreciate the things you've shared but I need more than if I'm going to know if I actually like you or not."
"Oh yeah? Then tell me about your mom. Huh? You're so slick in avoiding her when you talk. Tell me about why every time I raise my hand you flinch. You think I don't notice but I do, so please, go on," I wave my hand at her, knowing this is all probably a low blow but how does she like it when I ask about shit that she doesn't want talk to talk about.
She doesn't respond but stares at me taken aback before turning her head away from me, so I continue. "Yeah it doesn't feel so good, does it? I don't want to talk about certain things. Okay? Fuck."
"I want to go home," she says quietly.
"That's probably a good idea," I say a little more harshly than I intended to, but it doesn't matter. "It's not like I'd let you touch me anyway. I don't know what the fucking point of this was."
I can't stop the words from coming out of my mouth but as soon as they're out, I regret them. Cassie looks over at me and I can see a small glimmer of tears in her eyes and I want to apologize, but I don't. I said what I said, and I can't take them back now. But that's what I do, I fuck things up.
God damn it.
"Give me my keys," she whispers jumping down off the counter and grabbing her bag off the island.
"Fine. Here," I toss them to her. Cassie just about runs to my front door without saying another word and slams the door shut behind her.
And I just let her go.
And now I'm alone.
And now the gravity of the events from a few minutes prior really sit in. I'm such a fucking idiot. What was I thinking? I sabotage everything good in my life and I have no one to blame but myself.
I can't believe I fucked up this bad, and now I don't know if I can come back from it.
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hi friends!! this was my longest chapter to date, 6.2k words!! hopefully it makes up for not updating in so long.
thanks for reading <3