I layed down, finally getting to think about the day I just had, it was pretty rough honestly. I've been awake for over 24 hours and it felt like the hustle would never end. You'd think after hours and hours of relentless work with no break I'd be so glad that it's over but if I'm being honest now that I'm here with nothing to do, I'm very melancholic. Despite me not being all up to the task or filled with energy, the challenge is what made everything feel worth living. Now being able to do anything I want, I feel empty. The weird thing is as much as I did love the pain, I have no desire to do it again today, despite the hole burning inside my chest to relive the glory and feel it all over again...
Is there something wrong with me? It's always been this way, so hard to even get up in the morning almost as if the act of laying down is just as addictive as a drug or taste of sugar. The dopamine rush is too powerful to conquer most days, it entirely boggles me. I'm doing it again, overthinking about how everything will stay the same forever but yet when a drastic change comes along I only complain and refuse to be grateful. Humans are such ridiculously stupid creatures, it blows me away that we of all creatures are considered the most intelligent on the planet.
The cycle repeats, the same rush of energy, emptiness immediately afterwards and the overthought rant. What do I even want anyways? To be "successful"? To be seen as good in the eyes of strangers who we put on a pedestal even though they eat, drink, and breathe all the same as us? None of it matters in the end so what is there to want?
𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙙𝙤 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩?
To get away from the same days that repeat over and over. To see 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 anything new. I want away from here... I want...
ｔｏ ｅｓｃａｐｅ ｒｅａｌｉｔｙ
But how could I possibly get away from all of this? It's not like I have a fortune lying around or a rich grandpa who could buy me private home in some European country. I suppose I could get a job, but with minimum wage and the fact that I've never worked a job before, it would just take way too long for me to make enough money to even get a state over.
There isn't even the slightest lick of anything I want here, who am I kidding, I'm exaggerating. There's plenty here to want and see and I'm so very grateful for it all but I'm tired of being stuck where I'm at. The mere idea that I can't even leave, the thought of being stuck in this place for the rest of my life is utterly and truly 𝓉𝑒𝓇𝓇𝒾𝒻𝓎𝒾𝓃𝑔.
There's so much I haven't seen or done yet. Even as the entire human race we still have yet to even get on the planet Mars! Instead of being a complainer why don't I take initiative and become the first person to get on Mars or invent something no one's seen before? Well for the same reason I mentioned earlier, there's just something wrong with me and what's most bizarre is that I've yet to meet another person with the same problem as me.
But there's simply no way I'm the chosen one, unique, special, the protagonist. I'm just the guy on the sidelines who tries their best not to get in the way of all the main characters around me. This circles back to the main point, I want to escape. I want this to be 𝙢𝙮 journey, if not for anyone else for me and me alone to experience something I've always wanted. To stop caring about anything like, the idea of fame and fortune, pleasing others, and even making my own parents proud. I want to be proud of ME and if I'm happy with myself none of those things will even slightly matter to me.
So escaping reality is surely impossible right? Well it has to be possible, in the world of the infinite anything can happen. Problem is, if you can even call it a problem, I want to escape NOW, not tomorrow, not next week, right now. It's not to say I'm an impatient person, if someone came up to me and guaranteed me an escape I would gladly wait but I'm eagerly and anxiously looking forward to what could come next.
Things have to change
If not now I can already see that things will surely stay like this until the day I perish. So, what's the plan anyways? Well that's just the thing I don't do plans. Not one plan or set schedule has ever worked for me for longer than a month and that's a record, not an average. So the plan is to be impulsive, fuck around and find out as they say.
Let's start with something simple, I know I wish to escape reality but where is it exactly that I'd like to go? What even lies beyond reality? I know I'm not trying to be in purgatory, the land between worlds, I wish to go somewhere else entirely. A different Universe you might say. The one thing I know is that if I go to a place where everything is perfect I will have surely ended up in Hell. Without conflict, without pain, without struggle, nothing and I mean NOTHING would ever feel good again. Nothing would be worth living for. I know it all too well, I've lived it my whole life, why else would I be so desperate to leave? There's just no balance here.
I apologize this is just a mess of thoughts and an idea for something more. I should introduce myself, my name is... oh right... everywhere I go I tend to use a different name, different personalities even depending on who I'm talking to. I fear judgement from people, constantly molding myself to please others and I swear it's never enough. My name, what a troublesome question I really don't how to answer.
You can call me Author as I am the author of this read and you'll surely forget me soon enough anyways.
You'd like to know about me? How peculiar, most people are usually so preoccupied with themselves they have no time to even 𝙜𝙡𝙖𝙣𝙘𝙚 in another persons direction. I've very rarely met anyone with the perfect balance either as it's that they're full of themselves or they care so much about other people that the idea of looking at themselves for once is extremely foreign to them. I'd say I'm closer to the person who doesn't recognize themselves in the mirror than the pretentious self admirer but I strive for a balance.
You need not worry about who I am, this story may be about MY hopes and dreams but that doesn't mean who I am contributes to any of it. I wish I could get to know you instead as I find people some of the most interesting creatures on this planet. Not to say that I myself am not human but more so to say that I feel so very different and disconnected from everyone that anything anyone does or says truly is a mystery.
I think we've learned enough about each other so far I mean we're running out of time. We need a plan to escape and we need one now.
Where am I?
I looked around my room and knew exactly where I was is never where I wanted to be. All sorts of ideas came into my head about the consequences that leaving might entail. Why I could be kidnapped, arrested, killed, lost forever but I can't let these menial things hold me back for the rest of time itself. We hear stories about it all the time, about how you shan't ever regret anything once you reach your death bed. We hear how so many preach and preach about how we should never be like them because of the terrible mistakes they've made and choose not to listen. History repeating itself over and over and no one ever learning their lesson.
One of those lessons being something I'm fighting in this very moment, being too afraid to try. The fear of doing something new and delving into a path you've never gone before. That's just the thing though, I'm afraid of the very thing I've been trying to run from this entire time. Reality, the cares and worries all tied with being a perfect member of society. To care about what you eat, how you look each morning, the things you say and do that leave certain impressions onto other people.
I've had extreme anxiety over the perceptions people see of me for a very very long time. I feared sometimes that even if a breathed the wrong way I'd surely be hated for a life time. The longer the life I live I realize how little I should care about such silly things. The only way to learn is if you mess up at some point, it's like they say the master has failed a 1000 times more than the student to be good at what they do.
How do I finally let go of all this nonsense?
To let go of all this meaninglessness at once.
To leave this place once and for all.
I'm too tired for this but when am I not? It makes no sense, I do nothing all day and yet it feels like I never have energy to do anything. Yet another excuse in the sea of thousands I've made before. All I've done so far is rambled, I'm done. I don't care. I need some sleep, I'll return to you soon.
We'll get out of here.
𝐓𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫.