'He called him a faggot.'
The slur ran around in Isaac's head repeatedly. It crept in any moment his mind was not active. It was engraving a place to stay forever.
Why did it hurt him?
He was off his game Friday morning. He kept getting concerned looks from his teammates but he knew they were more worried about the game tonight than him. He was only an afterthought.
Andrew showed concern but never asked. He was more the type that thought it best to wait for someone to tell him about the problem rather than ask about it straight up. Ki noticed clearly but instead of ask he tried to cheer Zack up. It wasn't working.
He was lost in thought most of the day. Trapped in his own head. It hurt but it kept replaying. The f-slur was always roaming around behind him and he really wondered why that word affected him so much.
He didn't realize he had been avoiding Wyatt subconsciously until he started to cross the hallway when the boy came into sight. He paused for a moment at the realization but forced his legs to keep moving. Why was he avoiding Wyatt? It's not like he was going to do anything to him.
'He called him a faggot.'
Fuck. Why did that matter so much to him? Why did it make his stomach spin like he was going to puke? Why did it make his chest feel heavy?
What is wrong with me? I need to snap out of it.
He caught Jess's eye between second and third hour. The dark haired boy smiled a little when they first made eye contact but it soon turned concerned. He walked across the hall and started walking next to Zack, who slowed his pace on instinct when the boy fell in step next to him.
"Are you okay?"
Zack nodded. "Yeah, I'm just-" He sighed. "I'm nervous about the game, I guess."
He felt the guilt begin to settle in. He hated lying but he felt even worse lying to Jess. He wasn't sure why he was beating himself up so much not telling the truth to Jess but there was nothing he could do.
What could he have said? 'I feel like shit because I'm keep thinking about Wyatt calling that boy the f slur. It's like I'm in physical pain over a word that shouldn't even affect me.' That would've made him seem weird and for whatever reason he really cared what Jess thought of him.
"Are you sure?" Jess looked like he wasn't sure he fully believed him. Although when Zack nodded he just seemed to accept it. "It'll be okay. I bet you guys will do great."
Jess attempted a bigger smile than usual but it wasn't his pretty smile. He squeezed Isaac's upper arm before quickly pulling his hand away. Zack's whole right left side lit up after the contact. He knew Jess was trying to comfort him so he smiled his best back.
"Thanks."
Jess still looked concerned when they went their separate ways. Isaac sighed to himself. He felt like shit for no good reason. He needed to get himself together.
After third hour Zack made a quick stop at Jess's locker and stuck a little package of cheese itz in there. He then started heading to class but was interrupted when someone gripped his arm. Jace pulled him into the nearest bathroom. Ki was right behind them.
"Okay, man, you've been acting weird all day." Jace said as they settled into the quiet room. It smelled like fruity cologne.
"Yeah, dude, what's up? You can tell us what's bothering you or you can run off and do something else to make yourself but you can't just keep wallowing like this. It isn't healthy." Ki said with a soft voice. This was a big change from the boy that had been joking around all morning while trying to muster a smile out of Zack.
"Plus, we have a big game tonight and we really need you focused. What's the matter?"
"Nothing." Isaac's gaze dropped. "'M just a little more tired than usual. I'll get over it."
"We can help, Zack." Jace spoke up.
No you can't.
How could they help him? They didn't even know what was going on and they wouldn't understand if they did. If he hadn't told Jess he wouldn't be telling them.
"I'm okay, guys, really. It's got nothing to do with you, I just haven't been able to focus so well today for some reason."
"Do you think your anxious about the game?" Ki asked, curious. Zack shrugged in response, pulling out his phone to check the time.
The bell would be ringing any second. "Shit We're gonna be late!"
They all left the bathroom quickly and started towards class. Isaac was just pleased he had a way out of that conversation. He was glad his friends cared but he couldn't go into it right now.
He wasn't even sure what it was.
He couldn't figure it out. Not knowing was making his stomach churn more. As more people asked him about it he kept getting reminded he didn't know what it was.
The yearn to figure it out was driving him mad. He couldn't focus at all in fourth hour, though he tried. When the bell rang he felt like he had barely been there at all.
He walked out of class feeling like a weight was holding down his shoulders. He walked down the halls while watching the people around him. It wasn't until he saw Jess that his mind refocused.
He watched the boy talk to one of his friends, a tall ginger boy. He was leaning against a locker, with a little smile on his face. There was a bag of cheese itz in one hand.
Zack smiled to himself at the sight. He's so pretty.
He almost froze in the middle of the hallway.
What?
A sudden thought raced around his mind. Could he possibly be...? There's no way. No, no way. That was impossible.
I can notice a boy being attractive without being attracted to him. Yeah.
'He called him a faggot.'
Damnit. Zack felt like groaning out loud. He didn't though. Is this what that all meant? All the lingering touches, all the longing looks? How hadn't he noticed that?
No. Nope. No way.
He took a deep breath and walked over to his usual lunch table. Just act normal. You're fine.
He didn't feel totally fine though. He felt like he just uncovered something he should've known ages ago and he wasn't sure how he felt about it. He felt antsy.
At least I know what was wrong now.
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Knowing what was wrong helped significantly. It's a lot more easier to ignore something when you actually know what you're ignoring. So Zack ignored it.
He ignored the creeping feeling of something at the back of his head. He continued to act as though everything was fine. Today was just a normal day.
After school, football let out soon after because of it being game day, Zack went home with that same mentality. Ignore it. Today is a normal day.
He got there and his phone chimed. He looked down and it was a text from his dad.
'Good luck at the big game!! I'll be at home with pizza for dinner and we can celebrate!'
Isaac chuckled and sent a thank you text. He felt a lot lighter now. Ignoring problems really helped.
He ended up laying in bed until time to go. He tried to hype himself up on the drive towards the school. It only worked halfway.
He knew he needed to get his head in the game. He needed to focus. Everyone on the team relied on each other and if he was down he could drag others with him. He needed to get his shit together.
When he made it to the parking lot he saw Ki and Andrew waiting. They smiled at him and he gave one back. Before he could get out his phone buzzed and he looked down to check it.
Jess:
Good luck
His heart felt like it did a little flip. He felt the smile on his face become more natural and he left the car to go meet up with his friends.
"Could potentially be our last game of the year. So we're all going in and coming out of the locker room together." Andrew said as Isaac approached.
"Andrew's feeling sappy tonight." Ki added with a grin. Zack felt himself loosening up and he chuckled.
"That's alright. We can be sappy." Zack leaned against Ki's car with his two friends.
"You feeling better?" Ki asked him and Andrew's interest was suddenly peaked.
"Yeah." Zack nodded and for that moment, he actually meant it.
He felt light in the wind. It was warm with a light breeze. Perfect weather for a game.
The group didn't have to wait for long before Jace pulled up. They all held massive smiles as they walked into the locker room together. They changed and then walked out just as they had walked in, side by side.
Coach had the bus ready and they all loaded up with cheers and whoops. Everyone was hyped. Ki and Isaac slid in a seat together near the back with the rest of the juniors and Andrew and Jace slid into the seat across from them.
"Alright boys, let's go show 'em what we got!" Coach's voice was followed immediately by loud cheers. A couple seniors stood up at the back of the bus and banged their fists on the roof of the bus.
"Let's gooo!" A loud voice from the very back ran up the isle of the bus and there was more cheering. Zack felt happy because in an environment like this it was impossible to feel anything else.
The entire bus-ride was filled with buzz. Everyone was excited and had smiles on their faces. This is exactly what he needed, Zack had temporarily forgotten all his worries before.
Now he, the same as everyone around him, was focused on one task. They all had one job. Win this game.
When they got to the school, an hour away, they unloaded with claps on each other's shoulders and good lucks passed between each other. They were all feeding off the energy of the others around them. It was a nice feeling.
Although as game time grew nearer they all slowly got more serious. They were focusing. Zoned in on the idea of winning.
They ran through their plays and coach gave a small pep talk. They patted each other on the backs and did fist bumps or high fives. The freshman watched with amazed eyes and the seniors sat with the desperation of a person that could never have a chance to play on this team again.
Then the siren blared and the tension settled. This was it.
The cool feeling settled through him as the first play began. He ran, cleets setting into the grass, and felt the air enter and leave his lungs. Everyone on the field was tuned in.
The game went by in slow, torturous minutes. The clock ticked behind them all and the counter of points always showed one team just a few behind.
In the end Reconim High lost. Boys dressed in red moved slowly towards the benches when the final buzzer sounded. That was it. No more football for the rest of the year.
Isaac gazed over at the seniors. They all looked like so much more was weighing them down now, their shoulders sagged as they walked. This was it for them. There wouldn't be another chance to play for their high school again.
He sighed and tried to get himself to relax. This wasn't the end of the world. Football wasn't his whole life.
Some of the others didn't share that with him though. A couple kids were literally crying, they did try to hide it though. They had been so close to winning. One goal would've caught them up, two would've won them the game.
So close, yet so far.
Loading up on the bus was the complete opposite as it had been on the way here. After everyone was seated Coach Patterson stood in the isle at the front of the bus. He looked as sad as everyone else.
"Alright guys, we did our best and we gave them one hell of a fight. That's something to be proud of. Don't feel bad about this loss let's just agree to kick their asses next year, alright?"
Everyone clapped or made a noise of agreement but the enthusiasm was lost. The loud demeanors had been swept away with the loss. That and it was late so some of the people fell asleep on the way back. Isaac was one of them.
When he woke up it was because Ki was slapping his cheek. "Time to get up, sleeping beauty."
He opened his eyes and realized they were turning into the school parking lot. He sat up straighter and rubbed at his eyes. He mumbled a tired 'thanks' to Ki before they parked.
Everyone got on their ways and went either straight to their cars or to the locker rooms. No one talked as they changed and everyone left silently. When Zack got to his car he sighed and pulled out his phone.
'We lost.
Be home soon.'
He sent the text to his dad and then clicked the back button. Jess's contact was right there, under it being his good luck text. He was almost even more disappointed that he didn't win now that he was reminded of that.
He turned off his phone and started the car. Driving home he was quiet but he let the radio play in the background. When he got inside his house his dad was waiting with dinner and they both watched movies on the couch until Zack was tired enough to go to bed.
A lost game was not the end of the world. It didn't stop the disappointment though.
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I did this because I didn't want to deal with having to write anymore football scenes lol.
Anyways I hope you enjoyed.
Love you ♡
- Z