LIVIA DIDN'T MEET Amphion or Zeth's eyes for the rest of the night. She didn't think she could, without falling into tears. And she didn't like crying in front of strangers.
That was what they were relegated to now. Strangers. It was heart wrenching, the way so many years could go down the drain just because of a few mistakes. It wasn't even really anyone's fault. It had happened so naturally that they hadn't even realised it before it was too late, and now she was staring at the rotting debris of a temple she'd once sought refuge in, filled with remorse, mourning what she had once known.
No one mentioned a word of what had happened as they continued on with the night. Not until everyone had left, after both Livia and Pamela had taken showers and their parents and nai nai had gone to sleep.
Pamela was the one who came over, as expected. And Livia was waiting for her, because she always knew what her younger sister was thinking of. As Pamela nimbly pushed open the door and stepped in, Livia watched, sitting on her bed.
She patted the spot in front of her.
Pamela crept over and sat down.
"So," she asked, apparently having remembered now that all the walls in Livia's room were soundproof. "What happened?"
"Do you want the long version or the short one?"
"We have the whole night."
"The long version, then." Livia sucked in a breath. "It happened last summer. Do you remember much of that?"
Wryly, Pamela said, "Of course I do, it was only literally last year. My memory's not that crap. So. Last summer. You guys got along then, what happened?"
Livia hesitated. "It was in the last week of August."
Pamela stayed quiet.
It was a bit blurry in Livia's mind now, the way things had gone down. The summer had started ordinarily enough. They'd arrived in early July just like this year and every other year, and they'd hyped their way throughout the two summer months without a care for the world. They went to parties, had fun at the beach and in town, and everything seemed to be going just the way it ought to.
Somewhere along the way, though, something had changed.
Livia didn't remember when exactly it had happened. They'd met a bunch of kids staying in Briarville as a holiday, not unlike the way Quentin and Victor had come down with Eunice and Jason. The kids were their age. There were three of them. Two boys and one girl. Keith, Gavin and Veronica. The latter two were siblings. The three of them were from North Yorkshire, and they'd all hit right off.
Except Livia hadn't clashed particularly well with Veronica. Livia thought the girl was fake—she spoke with a high pitched voice Livia was convinced was fake, and constantly glued herself to the boys. She developed a particular interest in Amphion, which Livia at first had found as funny until that had changed too.
But she got along well with Gavin and Keith. Despite being siblings, Gavin was a far more laidback, chill dude. Livia had gotten quite close with him, though they hadn't contacted each other since last summer. Probably because of Veronica. Livia didn't blame him—blood was thicker than water, after all. She'd have done much the same thing if Pamela had told her to stop talking to someone, even if she was on good terms with that specific person.
So, Livia mostly kept her complaints to herself. She and Veronica would say some things about each other, but it was always indirect, and no one could really do anything about it. Sarah would occasionally join in, too. Sarah hadn't been the biggest fan of Veronica at the start, but after realising that Livia and Veronica despised each other she'd become a lot closer to Veronica.
It didn't take a genius to figure out why. But Livia hadn't seen it as a problem then and no one else did either. All the comments never scaled to outright hostility, and they always kept behind their respective lines and boundaries.
At this point, Pamela was getting bored. "I remember Veronica. She was a bitch."
"I know," Livia sighed, "but no one except me had realised it then. Let me continue, you're the one who wanted the long version."
"You're telling me this the way you write your stories," Pamela whined. "You can cut out some of the unnecessary details. Get to the point."
Livia ignored her and continued on as she was.
And so they started hanging out together, all of them, which opened a whole new can of worms. Veronica's interest in Amphion was very clear by late July, but Amphion hadn't done anything that showed that he might reciprocate those feelings. And while at first Livia had only found it funny, by the start of August a change had been undertaken in her too.
It had started with a very innocent conversation.
"You know," Lila had murmured one day, "Amphion and Zeth are actually very fine boyfriend choices." At that, she glanced at Brie and then Livia. She'd brought up the topic because they'd lately been busy chastising and berating Brie on her choice of summer flings, namely Mark Arron, who they'd known was bad news even then.
"Oh really," Livia had laughed. "Which one do you think is better?"
Lila had tilted her head in contemplation. "Depends on what kind of guy you like. Like, Amphion, I think, actually works quite well for you. He's fucking cocky as all hell, but he has some of the stuff to back it up with. That's pretty rare in teen boys these days. He's athletic and hot—but you didn't hear that from me, and I don't swing for that team anyways—and he's actually somewhat smart." She had paused. "Zeth, meanwhile, he's the sweetest little guy. He works for you, Brie," she had turned to shoot her stepsister a glare, "better than fucking Mark Arron with his fuckboy tendencies and lack of manners. Zeth is just such a sweetheart. He'd make such a caring boyfriend."
"Yeah, no," Brie had shot back. "He's like my brother."
It was then it had hit Livia that despite all these years growing up together, she had never once considered Amphion Calvert-Egerton her brother.
He'd always stayed in that careful box labelled friends, even when Zeth was moved past that into someone she'd protect and die for, a part of her family. She knew they were both attractive, and freely admitted so. But even when some of the girls she knew started getting crushes on them and blushed whenever they appeared, she never had.
Until it hit her too.
But she didn't feel the same way about both boys. It was Amphion, just Amphion. Amphion, who, even as a little kid, Livia had felt more attracted to, though back then that attraction had only meant she bossed him around and annoyed him more. Zeth was her baby. Zeth was who she'd protect from his overbearing, commandeering twin.
Just Amphion, who suddenly seemed to start glowing a little brighter.
For the rest of August, Livia had lived in a state of constant fear. At first it was simple: a few extra stolen glances, her heart beating faster every time she saw Amphion. She ignored it at first, brushed it off as nothing. But around the fifth time she started timing the moment she left her house so that she'd bump into the twins, she couldn't lie to herself anymore.
Livia Wong had a crush on Amphion Calvert-Egerton. And she fucking hated herself for it.
It was the most inconvenient time too. Early August was when Veronica started her full pursuit of Amphion. She didn't try to hide it, freely reported on it, and would brag about every time Amphion gave her any kind of special attention. What at first inspired humour in her slowly turned to bitter jealousy.
No one else noticed. She'd hid it well. That was what he'd meant when he'd referred to her as a good actor, probably. How she'd managed to conceal it so perfectly that even now, no one had a clue.
Though, apparently not.
"I guessed it," Pamela admitted.
Livia's eyes snapped to her sister. "Wait, what?"
"I guessed it. I guessed that you had a crush on Amphion. Near the end of August. But I didn't realise something had happened over it. And I didn't think it was a big one. I've seen you get crushes before, you get over them really quick. You're scarily rational about them."
That, Livia was. But she still didn't like the idea of Pamela having figured it out. "You didn't tell anyone, did you?"
"Not a soul," Pamela promised. "Not even Anya."
Livia nodded half-heartedly. "Don't tell anyone. Please. It's just embarrassing."
She continued on. So that original annoyance felt towards Veronica had slowly transformed into all out hatred. By mid-August the two girls hadn't even been talking to each other. No one had cared, everyone had still carried on as before, which somehow had made it even worse. Livia had wondered at a few points why none of her friends seemed to be taking a side. Any side, at that point, would have been nice, or at least acknowledging the feud, rather than brushing it under the carpet and acting like it didn't exist at all.
So life continued.
Livia hadn't had any intention of telling anyone. Not a single soul. She had tried her best to not act any differently towards Amphion as she might anyone else. She had played normal, as if absolutely nothing had happened at all, and for the most part she thought that she'd succeeded.
It had all fallen apart a week before she went home. She remembered that day vividly. It had been a Sunday, and they had been having dinner at the Hepburns, because the Hepburns were leaving earlier than the rest of them in two days and it would have been the last dinner all of them had together for the summer. After the dinner they'd all gone their separate ways around the house.
It had been a complete coincidence. She'd forced herself to act normal by then, and she did her best not to actively seek out Amphion. In fact by then she was almost starting to avoid him, because she knew that if they figured it out she was fucked. There'd be no going back. It would be humiliating at best, friendship-ending at worst. She had no idea if Amphion felt the same way, and every time Veronica bragged about her newest improvement in relationship with Amphion her heart had broken a little inside.
A whole year later Livia didn't know how she'd managed to hide it. It had been nothing short of a miracle. Amphion said she was a good actor, but she wasn't. Livia was shit at hiding her emotions. She'd always worn her heart on her sleeves. Everyone used to tell her that it was her fatal flaw. But when it'd mattered the most she'd managed to stand up for herself, and she'd be eternally grateful for that.
Until everything had fallen apart that night.
Like she'd said, it was a coincidence. She didn't realise they were there. Didn't realise that it would be the beginning of the end.
Some night she wondered what she'd do if she relived that night. Not gone into that room, maybe. Or not go to that corridor at all. Stayed in the living room where she'd have been safe, where she'd have been able to pretend that absolutely nothing had happened at all. Maybe. But it had all already happened, so it was pointless to think about that now.
But: that corridor. And that room that Zeth and Amphion were chatting in.
"You know Veronica likes you?"
That had been Zeth. And that sentence, that name was also why Livia's steps had paused. Why she'd stood in that corridor and listened to the words that gave her nothing but pain.
"It's fucking obvious," Amphion had scoffed. "I don't know. She's pretty and sweet, but we live so far away from each other. Long-distance isn't my thing."
"She and Livia don't get along."
Amphion's startled laugh had been the answer. "Since when did I need Livia Wong's permission to find a girlfriend?"
A pause in the conversation. Then, Zeth's voice had rang, "Haven't you realised that Livia has been treating you a bit differently recently?"
"If you mean that she hasn't been picking fights with me every two seconds, yeah, sure." She had been doing that. She'd stopped because part of her had subconsciously wanted to leave a better impression in his head. She'd known even then that there was little chance Amphion reciprocated, or would ever reciprocate her feelings, and she'd doubted whether those feelings would ever even come to light, if it would just fade away like all the crushes she'd had before.
"Yeah, is that not even slightly strange to you?"
"Maybe she decided to finally stop being a bitch."
It had been at that moment part of Livia had started to die a little inside.
But she had still stood there, frozen in place, unable to move away, even though she knew she should before she heard anything else.
"You didn't really mind it before."
"Yeah, because it was all jokes with me. But like, why the fuck is she so against Veronica? I think she's jealous."
At that moment, all that had gone through her head was, had he realised? Had he realised that she was jealous of the way he saw Veronica as a girl, a romantic prospect, while in his eyes she was always just that friend?
He had continued speaking then. "I think she's jealous of how we all like Veronica better than her, even though she's been here for so long."
Her mind had stopped working then. Gone all blank. She hadn't heard what Zeth said in reply, she hadn't even cared. All that she had been thinking was, how dare he?
Seventeen years. Seventeen years they'd been friends. Veronica had been here not even for two months, and somehow she'd already replaced Livia in his heart. And from the way he said it, not just his heart. All of them.
None of them liked her. They all thought she was annoying, everything would be better if she just went away. They'd all get along better, maybe Amphion and Veronica would date and become the couple everyone wanted to be like, but no one could ever fully emulate. And what was to become of Livia? The discarded, disposed friend, the person no one wanted around. Why was she even there in the first place?
Something in her had snapped at that moment. A light switch had turned off, the part that had been restraining her, keeping her held back, turning off. The gates had opened and all her rage, all that pent-up frustration and rage and jealousy she'd been keeping inside for so many months, unleashed all at once.
She faintly remembered pushing the door open. She remembered it slamming against the wall, causing a loud bang that she normally would have winced at. But in that moment adrenaline was pumping through her veins, rage fuelling her thoughts and feelings and words. She remembered Amphion and Zeth, startled, turning to stare at her. She remembered her fists being clenched, clenched so hard she felt her nails digging into her fist, she remembered feeling like she couldn't breath.
She remembered the screaming.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" That had been the first thing she'd said, and maybe that was where it had all gone wrong. Those simple words, spat out in a fury, her entire body shaking violently.
"You..." Amphion had reacted first. "You heard us?"
She hadn't answered. Instead, she had repeated those words, even more irate than before. She remembered seeing red, her vision becoming blurry. Her mouth had felt dry.
"You were eavesdropping?" Amphion had demanded, standing up. It was a study, probably Mrs Hepburn's. She'd never quite figured out which one was whose, because Mr Hepburn's was right next door. But she remembered the vase near the door, which she'd almost knocked over in her fury, and only Mrs Hepburn's study had that.
"Is that really what you're concentrating on right now?" she'd screeched. "That I heard what you guys said? Rather than the content of your conversation?"
Zeth had been too stunned to respond at first, but at that point he'd recovered. "Livia, we were just messing around, don't take it seriously, we—"
"Oh fuck off, you," she'd shouted, turning to face him. "You're always like this. Anything starts and you're the first person to start trying to calm everyone down." She turned back to Amphion. "If you don't even like me, why keep me around? Go play with Veronica instead, Veronica Veronica Veronica. If you love fucking Veronica so much, go with her. Why are you even here? Why even stay around me?"
If Amphion had been able to react, this outburst had sent him speechless. He'd seen Livia in many states. He'd seen her throw temper tantrums before, when they were younger. But after Livia had turned ten she'd always been the rational, logical one. The one who kept her cool even when no one else did. He had just stood there, like a statue, staring at her, wide-mouthed.
And Livia, in her state, had continued her tirade. "Fuck off. Literally fuck off. I hate you. I hate you so much. We've been friends for all these years and this is what you think of me behind my back? This is the kind of thing you say? What the hell is wrong with you, Amphion?"
He'd finally been able to formulate a response then. "Why the hell do you care so much anyways? Why do you care who I hang out with? You're not my mum, not my grandma, what, are you fucking in love with me or something?"
"Yes!"
And that had been the answer that silenced all of them. There had been tears streaming down Livia's face, a constant stream that could not be stopped. Her makeup had been getting smudged but she didn't care. He didn't like her anyways, why should he care? He probably didn't even notice. It would probably just be another thing for him to laugh at her about when they calmed down. When she went back to Hong Kong for the rest of the year.
"What?" Amphion had asked, dazed.
"I was in love with you." Livia sniffled. "What a fucking idiot I was, huh? Developing feelings for a prick like you? You're the biggest asshole I've ever met, I can't believe I ever thought you were a good person."
"Livia—" that had been Zeth again, trying to interfere, trying to calm her down. He'd moved forward, putting his hand on her shoulder, and she'd pushed him away. He stumbled, swallowing, staring at her with wide eyes.
"I hate you so much. Both of you."
Amphion's jaw had hardened. "Maybe if you stopped acting like such a bitch all the time I might actually be able to like you, Livia Wong. But let me tell you, not in this lifetime. Not in this fucking lifetime. Why can't you be a bit more like them? Look at Veronica. Look at Melody. That's the kind of people we actually like. Not you. You're always trying to boss us around, like you're the queen or some shit, it's ridiculous. You're not the centre of the—"
"Don't you dare bring up Melody."
And that was the moment the perfect picture had finally cracked.
Melody.
Livia had repeated again, "Don't you dare mention her name. You're not worthy of it. She was everything that was good in this world. She was everything that was good about us. You are not worthy of mentioning her name, Amphion Calvert-Egerton."
Now, Pamela stared at her, expression numb. "So. That's what happened, then."
"Yes," Livia said quietly, looking down at her hands in her lap. "That's what happened."