Philophobia
(N.)
Fear of falling in love.
Jess tried not to think about Isaac's offer yesterday. He didn't want to think about the way he looked, lights shining in his eyes and a face full of hope. The memory alone brought back chills.
He didn't understand why the big lug cared so much. He didn't understand it but a part of him loved it. Most of him, actually.
The thought of Isaac caring so much was genuinely confusing but heartwarming. It made Jess's stomach do weird things and he cursed it for.
He could not be developing a crush on Isaac Johnson.
He wished the boy would stop being so damn nice to him. It would make this process easier. C'mon man, one slur. That's all you got to say to make this stupid attraction go away.
But of course it was a lost cause. Isaac wasn't the type. He was the person everyone fell for and of course Jess had fallen too.
He hated it. He wanted to stuff his feelings deep down to stay hidden, right where they belonged.
Isaac wasn't like that. He was okay with it for now but Jess was not about to push his luck. He wouldn't let some silly crush affect his life. He could get over it, he was good at that. He knew how to get over feelings, he'd be fine.
His phone buzzed in his pocket towards the end of fourth hour. He clicked it on to look at it and saw a text from Isaac. The way his chest soared made him very mad but he was going to ignore it for now.
'Make sure to check your locker before going to lunch.'
Jess didn't know what to think of that. He did it though, once the bell rang he hopped up and ran to his locker. A muffin sat on top of his pile of books with a little sticky note stuck to it. 'Enjoy :)'
His heart beat picked up the slightest way and Jess wanted to rip it out of his chest. Why's he got to be so damn cute? I can't do this right now.
Jess shut his locker and walked away. He'd be fine. He'd just ignore it. He'd ignore it and would solely think about Isaac in a platonic way. He needed these feelings to leave.
He couldn't have feelings for a straight guy. As crazy as that was he was not about to have the cliche gay heartbreak. He was smarter than that.
Is he really straight though?
Memories flashed through his head. Isaac jokingly admitting that he thought Jess could be attractive if he smiled more. Holding his hand. The countless times he caught those hazel eyes watching him. The way his hand sat comfortably on Jess's knee and rubbed soothingly. That time they were talking and Jess swore that he saw the boy's eyes look at his lips. Wednesday morning when his hand ran down his back while telling him to go back to sleep.
All signs. They all pointed to Isaac maybe being less straight than he seemed. They all pointed to him possibly feeling the same attraction towards Jess that Jess felt towards him.
No. Stop it. You're getting your hopes up and they're going to be crushed.
Jess finally zoned back in when a hand waved in front of his face. He blinked and saw Maria blinking at him. He realized he was sitting with her and Lia in the cafeteria. When had he gotten here?
My body must've been moving on autopilot while I was zoning out.
"Where you at, Jess?" Maria asked with curious eyes. He blinked a few times before his brain lost the fog and started working again.
"Sorry, I was just zoned."
"It's okay. You good?" Maria looked partially concerned and Jess began to wonder why he hadn't sat with these two in a while. They always tried to include him in on the conversation and while he liked being quiet, actually being a part of things felt good. Ray and Alice usually ranted about games and anime which he didn't know much about so he didn't get to join in on their talks.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm alright now."
"Okay. I was asking you how you're liking the book." She said softly while picking a fry off Lia's plate. The red headed girl was used to that by now and just turned her attention to Jess so she could hear his answer.
These two had been inseparable since eighth grade and it was obvious why. Lia had a very relaxed demeanor and was too shy to talk all that much. Maria was relaxed as well but she could get hyper and she was usually the one to talk to new people or ask teachers questions.
"It's really good." Jess nodded. "I'm starting to wonder though, do they ever actually get togerher?"
Jess didn't like spoilers but in some situations they were okay. If it was a light spoiler, he could deal with it. Maria understood that and when they talked about books she often knew when was too much and what was alright to tell.
Lia nodded her head before Maria spoke. "Yeah they do."
"They're a really cute couple for people that only had less than a day." Lia said while eating some of the pickles she had mounted on her plate.
"Oh, sorry to totally change the subject but I heard from Ray that you and Zack are friends." Maria said. "I thought you hated them?"
"I hate Ki." He shook his head. "I kinda roped the others in with him. Isaac's cool though."
At that moment he took a bite of his muffin. It was blueberry and he was honestly glad Isaac decided to get him it. He was enjoying his lunch for once.
"Alright. I just had to confirm the rumor." She said and took another fry from Lia.
"Do you know Marco? He's a sophomore." Lia suddenly turned the attention to her. She was looking at Jess.
"Uh, yeah, I think so. Why?"
"I'm sorta friends with him. We talk in multimedia, and he's been getting shit from some of the athletic kids. I think it's mostly that Wyatt guy but the other day they tripped him in the hall and he hit his locker, then laughed it off and said he should be more careful. He had a pretty big bruise on his arm." She talked softly, no one other than the two near her would've heard what she said. Jess thought back to that day in Algebra class. Wyatt telling Ki about some scrawny kid trying to join baseball. So that's who he was talking about. Jess felt his blood boil.
"That's fucked up."
Lia nodded and Maria looked concerned. "Is he okay?"
"He says he's dealing with it. I just thought since you said your friends with Zack maybe be careful. I know you say he's cool but he's friends with them and I'm not sure who all is in on it. Better safe than sorry."
"Yeah, thanks Lia, I will." Jess gave her a soft smile and she smiled back.
Their conversation came to a hold when somebody tripped in the cafeteria. The whole place gasped and everyone looked over. By the table where most of the athletic kids sat, Marco stood with a tray in his hands. In front of him was Wyatt, covered in chocolate milk and the enchiladas they were serving that day.
"Oh shit man. I guess I gotta be more careful." Marco's voice came out coolly. Wyatt looked livid.
Marco continued to walk and dumped the Styrofoam tray in the trash. He walked back over to his friends' table with his head held high. When he walked by Wyatt, who was still sitting and looking a little shocked but also pissed, he smirked.
Jess couldn't stop the chuckle that came up. Maria was snickering quietly to herself and Lia smiled proudly. Jess looked over at the quieter girl, "Something tells me we shouldn't be too worried about him."
Lia laughed then and nodded.
○●○●○
Jess stepped through the door to his house and shut it behind him. The house was empty. Kleandra's car wasn't in the driveway so she was most likely at work.
Good, peace and quiet for a bit.
Jess made his way to the kitchen and grabbed a deal of yogurt and a plastic spoon. He walked up the stairs and went to his room. The door shut behind him and he set his food down so he could change.
He pulled on a pair of his black joggers and then went over and plopped down on his bed. He grabbed the yogurt and ate it while a movie played on his TV.
About halfway through the movie his phone chimed. It was from Isaac.
'You okay?'
Jess smiled and replied back.
Jess:
Yeah
I told you I would call if I wasn't, didn't I?
Isaac:
Yeah, but I wasn't sure if you actually would or not.
I thought I might double check just to be sure.
Jess:
Well to ease your conscious, yes I'm okay.
Isaac:
Okay, good.
Jess smiled at the texts. Isaac cared. Then he remebered the information he learned in the cafeteria today. Isaac wouldn't be in on that. There was no way. Right?
He didn't want to put all his trust in the boy though. He didn't know if he was involved or not. Although, he could ask.
Two minutes later he got another text from the same guy his heart did a little flip. He grinned at the message.
Isaac:
How was your day?
Jess:
It was fine.
Civics sucked though.
Isaac:
Why?
Jess hadn't ever ranted to anyone before over text. He didn't talk to people that much on his phone. Other than the occasional text from his siblings he didn't really message anyone. Yet, he found himself writing a paragraph about how Georgia couldn't shut up in class and thought everyone valued her opinion when no one actually cared.
Isaac found it entertaining and kept asking questions which propelled Jess into more complaining. Then Isaac got to talk about his day. It was little details Jess liked best. Like, when he said he got his History paper back and had a B on it so he was happy.
Eventually they got to the ordeal at lunch. Isaac brought it up first by asking if Jess saw.
Jess:
Yeah.
It was pretty funny.
Isaac:
It was even better if you got to see Wyatt's reaction. He was grumbling about it all day.
Jess thought about it. Should he tell Isaac about what he heard? Would he even believe him? Wyatt was his friend maybe he'd take his side. Or worse, maybe he knew already and didn't care. Finally he decided just to test the waters.
Jess:
He kinda had it coming.
Isaac:
What do you mean?
So he probably doesn't know. Maybe. Hopefully.
Jess:
I just mean because he's been giving Marco a hard time lately.
Isaac:
Wait what?
What's he been doing?
Jess felt relieved. He didn't know.
Jess:
He made him trip and fall into the lockers yesterday. According to Lia he had a pretty big bruise from it.
That's probably where the whole "I guess I need to be more careful" line came from.
Isaac:
Are you serious right now?
Jess:
Why would I lie about that?
There was a minute where Isaac didn't respond. He had read it but he didn't reply. Jess was worried for a whole minute before finally the typing bubble appeared.
Isaac:
Sorry, that's not what I meant.
I believe you I'm just a little shocked.
Jess let out a sigh of relief.
Isaac:
Wyatt's an asshole.
Jess:
Yeah.
I'm pretty sure it's because he thinks he's gay. He said something about this guy trying to get on the baseball team this year in algebra a while back. He called him a faggot.
Isaac took a minute to respond after reading again. Jess nibbled on his bottom lip, worried he might've said too much. He worried Isaac wouldn't believe him and he would lose a friend that was starting to actually mean something to him.
Isaac:
That's messed up.
I'm sorry you have to put up with him.
And even though Jess felt the apology wasn't necessary he smiled anyway. He smiled at the fact that Isaac cared enough to apologize. His stomach was doing flips.
Stop it. You're gonna get hurt if you keep feeling like this. Just stop it.
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This chapter is kinda shorter than planned, sorry.
Anyways I hope you enjoyed.
Love you ♡
- Z