It's been a few days since Jake and I had last talked. Nat has been busy working long hours for this mission, and I assume that means Jake has too. I've not had any more surprise visits from him at work or texts late at night. I'm grateful for it though. It's easier to keep my mind made up when I don't have to interact with him in anyway.
I've yet to find out anything more about this mission they are being trained for either. Though I can't say I'm surprised at that. I know that secrets such as this are kept classified, but when every one of my friends is involved, it's normal for me to be curious. I haven't even had a chance to gage how they are feeling about it all. Mickey and Reuben haven't been by the house in a while. Nat comes home most days and is either asleep or studying something, so I don't bother her. Jake obviously hasn't said a word to me either, but I understand why. I'm starting to grow uneasy about the whole thing.
My uncle had invited me over to his house for breakfast one morning, and I took the opportunity to question him. Uncle John has worked on the Navy base for years. I'm not exactly sure what his position is, but I know he's worked his way up steadily over the years. So when we are sitting at his kitchen table eating some of his "famous" scrambled eggs and bacon, I decided to ask him.
"Hey, so do you have any idea what this special assignment is that Nat and the boys have been working on?"
He pauses his eating to stop and stare at me.
Uncle John was handsome in a way. He reminded me a lot of my father which was unnerving at times. However his younger features and slightly longer hair made up for it. While my dad had a closely shaved head my whole life, John's was more grown out, allowing for enough dark hair to swoop back across the top of his head. His grey hairs had started showing a long time ago and somehow only made his hair look better in my opinion. It wouldn't be long though until his whole head was grey. I wouldn't even know if my father had any grey hair at all. He sets his fork down and runs his fingers through it now.
"If I did, you know I couldn't say anything."
"I know, I know. But can you just tell me if I have to worry about them at all? I haven't talked to any of them in days which is weird. They said the training is only three weeks long and they just started the second week. I'm just getting worried that something big is happening that they don't want me worried about." My anxiety causes me to babble out a string of sentences quickly. Truth be told, I've been feeling uneasy ever since I realized that I haven't heard from any of them in a few days.
"I'm sure they are fine Blake, but you know how the military works. Civilians aren't allowed to be clued in on any sort of operations happening within it." He grabs his fork again to resume eating, attempting to stop the conversation before it can continue.
"Can you just tell me if I should be worried about them?"
He says nothing, but lifts his eyes to meet mine for a moment. There is a sort of knowing sadness there, as if he already knows something is going to upset me. That's all the confirmation I need.
Something big is happening to them. Something important that puts them all at risk. I want to pray that none of them are chosen for the mission, but I know that's a long shot. They are all brilliant pilots and with there only being ten recalled, as far as I know, the odds aren't exactly in their favor.
I've lost all my appetite now. My stomach suddenly churning. Nausea rises up in me and I excuse myself to go outside.
John was a typical bachelor with more money then he knew what to do with. He lived in a nice beach house right along the beach. All I had to do was cross the bridge over the sand dunes and walk the short distance to the water. I sink to the sand, forcing my lungs to pull in more and more air. The panic attack threatens to show itself, but for some reason, it disappears as quickly as it showed up.
Was this assignment going to cost me one of the people I cared about most in this world? I had already lost my brother Aiden, I didn't need to add any more names to that list. Maybe I was overreacting though. Maybe they are all far better pilots then I think they are and all have good odds of making it home. I pray that's the case.
I pull my phone out and open my texts conversations. I stare down at Nat's name, then Reuben's, Mickey's, Jake's, and even Bradley's. Tempted to send a quick text out to one of them just so I can confirm everyone is still okay. But they are all busy right now, so I put my phone back in my pocket and stare out into the ocean.
A humming sound fills the air and progressively gets louder and louder. I don't even have to look up before I know what it is. One of the Navy jets flies by over head, lower then I've seen one fly by in a while. I want to be hopeful it's one of them, but realistically I know it's not. The path this pilot takes is a routine one I've seen done hundreds of times before. They must be going in for a landing soon. I suddenly feel insanely jealous of the pilot above me. Jealous at the fact that they aren't practicing intense maneuvers for a mission that could get them killed, and is instead flying a course done every day. They aren't worried for their life right now like my friends could be.
I had once asked Nat about that when we were first becoming friends. Flying jets didn't seem like a safe job, and when I had asked her if flying made her nervous, all she had to say was, "we know what the risks are when we sign up." Maybe that was true, but that didn't mean I had to accept them.
When I had asked Jake about it, his response had been very different. With his rough upbringing with his abusive father, Jake had been eager to get off the ground and as far away as possible. Jake was a runner. He had based his entire career essentially off running. He had only become a pilot as a means of escape to the horrible life he lived. It made me unbelievably sad every time I thought about it.
I figured I've spent enough time on the beach and start to make my way back inside. I'm no longer in the mood for small talk, so I say bye to John and head out the door.
__________
By the time I get back home, I feel mentally drained. All I want to do is talk to them. Just one of them and ask how everything is going, but I know that isn't possible. Nor is it even fair of me to ask in the first placing knowing they couldn't even tell me if they wanted too. So I spend the next few hours busying myself playing with Dax and getting some much needed cleaning done around the house.
I had only been cleaning for a few hours when Nat busts through the front door. Judging by the way she's acting, she is clearly frustrated at something. She throws her bag to the floor and heads upstairs, not saying a word. Dax cries as he tries to go see his friend, but I call him back to my side. It's clear she's not in the mood to talk.
After a few minutes of silence, I hear her door open and close upstairs, then the sound of her footsteps coming down the squeaky staircase.
"Everything okay?" I ask. She goes to the living room and throws herself down on the couch.
"Hangman is a dick," she says with anger laced clearly in her words. I sigh.
"What did he do this time?" I move around to the front of the couch and have a seat beside her. Dax jumps up next to her and rests his head in her lap, she idly runs her fingers through his hair.
"Apparently the Captain who is training us is Rooster's godfather. A godfather that Rooster cut out of his life years ago after he nearly ruined his career."
My eyes widen, taking in the news. None of us had any idea that Bradley still had any sort of parents or parental figures left. His mother had passed when he was around eighteen I believe. This has got to be messing him up pretty bad.
"So what did Jake do?" I've got a feeling I don't want to know the answer.
"He somehow found out and decided to call Rooster out in front of everyone over it. Luckily we restrained Rooster before he could pommel him into the ground. He had already been working Rooster up throughout the whole day. It was basically the last straw for him and he snapped. So now tensions are high amongst everyone. Which couldn't come at a worse time. We are starting to practice some more specifics of the mission that requires clear communication between us all, and no one is going to communicate well if they are at each other's throats. I'm really trying to find a way to justify what Hangman did but I really can't." She stops talking to take a deep breath.
"Do you want me to talk with him?" I know Hangman can be a real asshole, but to cause this much of an issue is a lot, even for him.
"I wouldn't make you do that. Plus I can handle him. I'm just pissed he'd stoop that low to blast Rooster's personal life to everyone."
I nod, though I can't say I'm surprised. I'm sure Jake thinks he has his reasons, but whatever they are, I can't imagine they are worth jeopardizing the team. I make a note to call Jake later. As much as I don't want too, I want Nat and the others able to focus. They are my family and I need to make sure they all come home. Though I don't have much control over the situation, this little bit I can fix.
"You know him, he's just an ass," I say. She nods and leans back against the couch, yanking on her hair to pull out her bun.
"Things are just getting more stressful."
This is the first I've actually sat and talked with Nat in a while. I want to pry, but I know it's not fair when she can't give up any info. I try to stay as surface level as I can.
"Is this going to be a hard one?"
"Harder then anything I've done before. To be honest, I don't even think what they are asking of us can be pulled off." She trails off and goes silent for a few moments before speaking again. "It's a suicide mission."
My breath catches in my throat. I had been worried about that, but too afraid to actually voice the thought in my head. Now it's my turn to lean back against the couch in defeat. The reality of everything finally setting in. I struggle to keep my face neutral. Nat is the one going through all of this and not me, the last thing she needs is to comfort me.
"Y'all are amazing pilots. If anyone can pull this mission off, it's y'all." I try my best to sound positive, but I can tell it doesn't show in my voice. She nods, but I can see a distant look on her face that she's starting to feel discouraged. I stand from the couch. Dax lifts his head to watch me, but seems to decide Nat needs him more right now and settles back down next to her. I swear that dog is part human with how emotionally intelligent he is.
"I'm gonna go make a call real quick, I'll be back down in a bit."
Once I'm upstairs in my room, I pull my phone out and call Jake. Truthfully I rather do anything else, but by the sound of it, he's causing more unnecessary stress. He answers on the second ring.
"Hello?"
"Heard about your little stunt with Rooster today, what was all that about?"
I can hear him give a weak chuckle, as if expecting my call.
"Lemme guess, Phoenix tell you?"
"Of course she did. Now what was that all about, because the way I see it, it was a fucked up move."
He's silent for a second.
"Yeah, it was. I already apologized to the guy." I can tell he's not happy with being scolded.
"Why even do it in the first place? Nat told me y'all are training for a mission that isn't even possible, so why make it worse for everyone?"
"Because, these people are cracking and it's obvious. No one is showing their skills up there and it's gonna get someone killed when it matters. If me getting some people fired up and pissed off is what it takes to get them to start preforming, then so be it. Right now everyone is telling us this mission can't be flown, and they are starting to believe them. No matter how much we want too, this mission isn't going to be called off, so we have no choice but to be as prepared as possible. I'm doing my part, now I just need people to keep up with me."
By the time he's done talking, he's out of breath. It's clear that all of this has been worrying him as well. I open my mouth to respond, but he starts talking before I get the chance.
"I don't expect you to understand or agree with me. I don't enjoy people being pissed at me, but if people are pissed off enough then they'll try to beat me. I'm not saying I'm the best up there, but I have enough experience to do these maneuvers. Now it's just a matter of getting the others to realize they have the ability to do them too. I'm just trying to push them to realize that. If they won't prove it to themselves then let them prove that they can be better then me; because at least then they'll be showing progress."
Finally it all makes sense. I sigh.
"Jake, that isn't for you to decide or control. It's not your responsibility to motivate these people."
"I know it's not."
"Then why do it?"
"Because, I need to fly this mission. I need to make sure these pilots all get back home at the end of the day."
"Jake, that isn't your choice," I repeat. "No matter how much control you want over this situation, you can't have it."
"I know, but if I can make a difference then I'm going to try. I need to be mission leader."
The conversation falls quiet again, neither of us knowing what to say next to each other. Eventually I break the silence first.
"Just promise me, you won't piss these people off too much more. They don't need the added stress of you to make things worse right now."
"I promise I'll stop being an ass." He says in response. Once again, I'm further proved of my theory that Jake only ever truly listens to those closest to him.
"Thank you. Now I have to go make sure Nat is alright. I'll talk to you later."
"Okay, bye." He hangs up the phone before I even get a chance to respond.
It's clear I've struck a nerve. He needs to understand the fact that he doesn't have control over this situation though. He's not the one responsible for teaching them. That's just his personality though, I have to remind myself. He has good intentions, just goes about them in the wrong way.
Back downstairs, Nat has now laid out on the couch and seems to be fast asleep. She's spooning Dax and when he notices me, his tail starts thumping against the couch. He refuses to move though, and I don't make him.
"Good boy," I tell him, his tail thumps a bit faster but eventually settles back down.
I decide to leave Nat alone for now. She could probably really use the rest anyway. So I send a quick text to the boys and head out the door.
_________
I'm glad I have the night off, it'll give me some time to catch up with Mickey and Reuben to see how they are doing. I haven't had the chance to talk with them in a few days.
Their shared apartment isn't too far from Nat and I's. They live on the second floor of a new complex that I honestly wished I could live in some days. Similar to Nat and I though, it was poorly decorated. They had nice furniture, but that was about the extent of it. I walk in and throw myself down on their black leather couch.
Mickey takes a seat beside me and Reuben comes in with three beers for us all.
"So has this training been going just as good for y'all as it seems to be going for Nat?" I ask somewhat sarcastically, they pick up on it instantly.
"Oh it's going great, your boy has been a real treat," Reuben says while taking a swig of beer.
"Nat gave me all the details. I already told him off about it."
"You didn't have to do that," Mickey says. Leave it to him to be the one to express concern over me.
"No, but if I can make y'all's lives easier by telling him to knock it off then I'm gonna do it. Besides I can handle him. We've talked through our issues and everything is fine."
"That's good at least," says Mickey.
"Still doesn't stop the dude from being a dick during the exercises and letting us run into a canyon," grumbles Reuben.
"A canyon?" I ask confused. Reuben shakes his head.
"Don't worry about it."
I just take another sip of my beer. We don't say much to each other. Usually when I hang out with the boys, we're content to watch crappy reality tv and enjoy each other's company. Before I know it though it's getting late and they need rest.
I stand up from my spot and stretch, "I should probably go so y'all can get some sleep for tomorrow." I give them each a quick kiss on the cheek before heading out for the night.
_________
By the time I get back home, Nat has already retreated to her room upstairs. Dax is no where to be seen. He must be in bed with her. He enjoys her company at night sometimes so I don't mind. I just head to my room and get ready for bed myself.
After I've finished my nightly routine and am laying down, my phone buzzes from the nightstand. I've got a feeling of who it is before I even have to check.
Jake:
Sorry I got heated earlier, the stress of everything is getting to me I think
Me:
It's fine, I understand, but you can't make it harder on the rest of them, that's not fair
Jake:
Is it fair of me to be talking to you?
Me:
Probably not, but I don't think I mind
Jake:
You don't think you mind?
Me:
I'm confused is all, you being back here is making me have some complicated feelings
It takes him a minute to respond.
Jake:
Me too.
Me too? That's all he has to say? I'm basically telling him I can't figure out if my feelings are still there or not. Is he feeling the same way? He must be, or else he wouldn't be telling me all of this. I need to end the conversation before it takes a turn into an area I don't want to get into.
Me:
It's late, I'm tired, I'll talk to you tomorrow
Jake:
Ok, goodnight
Me:
Night
I plug my phone into the charger and throw it back down on the nightstand.
Are my feelings for Jake coming back? Or did they never really leave in the first place? I can't tell. What I do know is I'm confused right now and just want to sleep. It takes a minute since my brain refuses to turn off, but eventually I drift off into a restless sleep.