Chapter 48
Avian Burn's Point of View
I couldn't contain myself and tell Klaude about everything. But I made him swear that he will not blame himself for what happened to his twin brother. Nakikinig lang ito sa akin nang mataimtaim at kahit siya ay mukhang hindi makapaniwala sa kanyang naririnig.
Isang linggo na ang nakalipas simula noong pumunta kami sa lugar kung saan ako lumaki. We even spent the night there since everyone was exhausted from all the traveling. My mom must still be wondering about the story of Kagan Grimaldi. We didn't even talk when we left. But Kristoff gave me a thumbs up as if he was saying that he would take care of Mom.
And now, we're back to doing what we normally do. Nadia faked a cry since all of us went to my hometown. Siya lang ang hindi nakapunta. Pru spent most of her time staying with us at the school dormitory. On the other hand, Kagan stayed at his studio and visited the hospital from time to time for his psychoanalysis treatment. Pumupunta naman ako doon sa tuwing wala akong pasok sa aking klase. Everything is back to its normal place, but still, the difference now is that I have feelings for Kagan.
Klaude looked up, brushing the tears that almost fell from his eyes.
"This is awful." Klaude finally said timidly. We're in the coffee shop at the university, sitting in the back corner.
"Kagan should be living the same way how I was raised. But he lived a life that wasn't his in the first place. This is fucked up." Klaude pinches his lips together without having an idea what to do. Kahit kinwekwento ko kay Klaude ang mga alam ko kay Kagan ay hindi ko pa rin maiwasan malungkot. Kagan's life was a real tragedy. Pinagmasdan ko si Klaude kung paano ito tumayo.
"I have to go, Avi. I... I need time to think." His throat sounded strained. I looked at him from the corner of my eye, then nodded my head. It's understandable that Klaude might feel that he's lost right now. After all, I still clenched my teeth whenever I was reminded of what happened to Kagan. This is where Halmeoni's words about detachment will take place. Kagan should learn how to detach from his past and those things that hurt him. I, on the other, am gradually trying to get better and better. This time, I now have a reason to continue.
Akala ko ay aalis na si Kagan pero nanatili lang itong nakatayo.
"Avian, will you tell him about your feelings?" I was taken aback by his sudden question, resisting the urge to tell him that confessing my feelings for Kagan wasn't on my list for the time being. Biglang bumaba ang tingin ko sa aking kamay.
"I don't know, Klaude. I don't know how to tell him. That I have this huge crush on Kagan. That I've been liking him for a little while now. Hindi ko pa rin nakikita ang sarili ko na umaamin sa kanya." I look away from Klaude. I couldn't bring myself up telling these words to his twin brother. Dahil sa tuwing nakikita ko si Kagan ay parang mauubusan ako ng salita. It's like any moment, I'm going to collapse, leaving me voiceless.
"I see. I'll go ahead, Avian." Klaude waved his hands at me, spinning around so he could go straight to the exit. Habang ako naman ay naiwan sa coffee shop habang pinagmasdan na matunaw ang yelo sa inorder ko. I waited for more minutes before leaving the coffee shop too.
Three days later, I saw myself walking my way to Kagan's studio. My heart couldn't keep still since I'll be seeing Kagan again. Siguro ay hindi na ako makapaghintay na makita si Kagan. Sometimes, I'll just find myself staring at him when he's painting. Sobrang focus kasi ito sa kanyang ginagawa na parang hindi na niya nakikita ang mga tao sa paligid niya. I like the idea that Kagan find peace to what he's doing. I felt rather proud about him when he do things that he enjoys. My heart won't slow down thinking about him.
Hindi pa ako nakakapasok sa loob nang may bumisina na kotse na nakapark sa may gilid. I was a startled so I jump a little. From the backseat, a woman wearing a black blouse and a knee length skirt.
"You must be Avian. My name is Annalise Grimaldi. I'm the twin's mother. You can call me Tita if you want." She greeted me with a smile. I started wondering why Klaude's mother was in front of me. I greeted her back, bowing my head a little. From there, I noticed the resemblance she has with the twins. No wonder why the twins grew up so fine. It was because she was really pretty, even at her age.
"Nasa loob po si Kagan." Pero umiling ito at humawak sa may pulsohan ko.
"I'm actually here for you, Avian. Do you have time?" Napakunot ang noo ko dahil dito. My curiosity got the best of me, so I said yes. She clasped her hands and told me to get inside the car. Naupo kaming dalawa sa backseat. When I put on my seatbelt, the driver started to drive to God knows where. One hour later, the car stopped at a big house.
"I heard a lot about you from Klaude." She said with a soft voice. Even the way she moved was refined. Naramdaman ko ang pagkapula ng aking pinsgi. Ano kaya ang mga sinabi ni Klaude tungkol sa akin sa kanyang nanay? I hope it's about good things.
"Welcome to our simple abode, Avian. I'm sorry it took me a long time before inviting you in our home." Pagkalabas namin sa kotse ay halos bumaba ang bibig ko sa sahig. She called this house simple? It's huge. It's already considered as a luxury mansion! Is this the place where Klaude grew up? I guess. Puno nang pagaalinlangan akong sumunod kay Tita Annalise papunta sa loob.
"You must be wondering why I brought you here." I nodded my head. Feeling so small inside this huge house. Minutes later, the maid serves us tea. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ako makapagsalita.
"When we lost Kagan, Kinsley and I were devastated." She started, putting the cup on her lips. She's now sitting in front of me. Everyone will feel the same way if you lose your child. It occurred to me that everyone was in pain because of that single mistake.
"I wanted to thank you in person for what you did for Kagan. Klaude told me." A briny taste crawls up to my throat. I shake my head, putting the heels of my palm into my forehead.
"Tita Annalise, I don't think you should be thanking me. Wala po akong nagawa para kay Kagan. I... didn't know his condition back then. If I only knew, then I could ask for help." I put my hands on my knees and squeezed it tightly. I suck in a sob, refusing to let the tears start to roll down my cheeks; I'm not going to start crying now. Not in front of the twin's mother.
"As a kid, I understand your situation Avian. But trust me, you helped enough." She said. Tumayo ito at tumabi sa pwesto ko. She touched my hands and gripped it softly. I tilt my head so I can see her face. Hanggang ngayon ay mayroon akong nararamdaman na sakit. I think I can do better than what I did when I was a kid. But remembering Halmeoni's words, I have to detach from things that I regret doing and not doing.
"I want to show you something." Hinawakan nito ang kamay ko at iginiya pataas ng hagdan. All I did was to follow her every steps. Dinala niya ako sa ikalawang palapag. I looked around, feeling out of place. Bigla na lang kaming pumasok sa isang kwarto. The room is clean and big. Napaisip na naman ako kung bakit niya ako dinala dito. Pero hindi pa siya nakakapagslita nang bigla na lang akong mapansin. My heart started to beat loudly inside my chest. Dahan-dahan akong naglakad kung saan nakalagay ang isang drawing na nakalagay sa rack. Ang kalahati nito ay natatabunan ng puting tela. Pulling out the white clothe, my mouth hanged open when I saw the drawing in the canvas.
It was me.
A black and white portrait of me!
Naguguluhan akong tumingin kay Tita Annalise na taimtim na tumitingin sakin. Ang mga mata ko ay nagsimula nang magtanong dahil dito.
"This is Kagan's room." She said. I put my hands on my mouth to cover it from gaping.
"That was the first drawing Kagan made when we finally met him. He was seventeen at that time." She moved from her place to go near the drawing.
"When I first met him at the police station, he was holding a black oil pastel crayon. Iyon ang ginamit niya sa paggawa ng portrait na iyan." I take a deep breath. Reminiscing the time when I left him the black oil pastel crayon at the window just to let him know that I passed by.
"Lahat ay nagtataka kung bakit niya ginawa 'yan. We didn't knew you existed in real life, Avian. We thought you were just a product of my son's imagination. It turns out you're a real person. You exist. Kaya nang nakita kita sa studio niya ay nagulat ako." She was looking at me last time as if she knew me. Kaya naman ay dahil nakita niya ang portrait ko sa kwarto ni Kagan. Maybe, this is the reason why Kagan looked at me with familiarity in his eyes when he saw me at his cousin's house. He drew me with the same black oil pastel crayon I gave him when we're kids.
"You were my son's salvation in his difficult times, Avian." May luhang nagsimulang pumatak sa mata niya. Na sa tingin ko ay kanina pa niya pinipigilan.
"I wasn't there for him when he was in pain or sick. I didn't even watch him grow up, Avian. I think I failed as his mother. Lalo na at nalaman ko kung anong hirap ang dinanas ng anak ko. But I'm happy now that he's with us." My heart breaks for Tita Annalise. The chambers of my heart felt numb in my chest. Everyone is still hurting.
"Even Kinsley, the twin's father, is relieved that Kagan is with us. We can now peacefully sleep at night. We don't have to worry about it now." Bumaling ang tingin niya sa akin. Her eyes are now dancing with joy despite all the tears.
"That's why Avian, I think your presence has a big impact on Kagan's life. Thank you so much for existing." I smiled at Tita Annalise; a tear left my eyes. She was one of the few people who appreciated my existence, even though Tita Annalise was a stranger to me almost two hours ago.
Then, I was reminded of Kagan. He was pressing his lips together in my head, looking shy and lost. But I guess that was his charm. He doesn't have to fake a smile to show he's okay. He always frowns his forehead when something annoys him or piques his interest. He loves to paint. And he treasured the things that were given to him. Even how big and small it is. Because of that, I love him even more.
I wipe the snot on my nose and let out a chuckle. Tita Annalise gave me a hug, whispering that I did my best back then. That she wasn't blaming anyone for what happened. I wondered why Tita Annalise was so accepting. But she told me she doesn't want to give her time to something that will only stop her from moving. Now that her son Kagan is here, that's where she'll put her focus. To the present. Where she exists. Where her family exists. Where I exist.
Nagkwekwentuhan kaming dalawa ni Tita Annalise pababa ng hagdan nang nakita ko si Klaude sa labas. He was wearing a white tshirt inside with a black jacket. Pero ang mas napansin ko ay ang katabi nitong dalawang malaking bagahe sa may gilid niya.
"Avi, what are you doing here?" He couldn't believe his eyes when he saw me walking from downstairs. He suddenly looked at my side where her mother was standing.
"What's with the luggage, Klaude?" I glanced at the big luggage on his side. Tumingin naman siya kung sana ito nilagay.
"Oh, hindi ba nasabi sa'yo ni Kagan? We're leaving the country." Kagan tipped me off.
"What?" Hindi makapaniwalang sabi ko dahil sa aking nalaman. The fact that Kagan is leaving the country made my stomach clenched.
"Dr. Clarke recommended Kagan to a different doctor, who is more competent and has background knowledge when dealing with someone with a dual personality. My parents also decided that a new environment could give Kagan peace. Kagan agreed, so we're leaving as soon as possible."
I was contented by just looking at Kagan. If he leaves, it will take years before he comes back, or he won't return at all. I chewed the inside of my cheeks. It would kill me if I didn't tell him the things I wanted to say. Without saying a word, I run from that house. Kahit tawagin ni Klaude ang pangalan ko ay hindi ko ito tinapunan ng tingin. I was too focused to get out and get a taxi.
"Sir, pwede po bang pakibilisan ang pagdrive? Nagmamadali lang po talaga ako." Sabi ko sa taxi driver ng makapasok ako sa loob. If I could only teleport to his studio, then I'll do it right away. But that was beyond my capability so I have to suck my breath and wait to go there. At the backseat, I started to get fidgety. Hindi ako mapakali sa aking pwesto dahil sa tingin ko ay pagsisihan ko talaga kapag hindi ko nasabi ang nararamdaman ko kay Kagan. I understand the reason why Kagan have to leave. Kailangan niyang magpagaling sa tulong ng mga doktor na may alam sa sakit niya. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. If I let it for the second time around, then it will really ruin me.
A lot of negative thoughts clouded my mind when I was inside the taxi. When I noticed that we're near at his studio, I hurriedly give the driver the bill without asking for the change. Pagkababa ko pa lang sa taxi ay nakita ko Kagan sa labas na nagpapasok ng mga gamit niya sa loob ng kanyang kotse. I saw him how he put a hand bag at the back of his car.
"Kagan!" Sigaw ko sa pangalan niya. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag dahil naabutan ko ito sa labas ng kanyang studio. Bigla itong tumingin sa akin dahil napalakas ang pagtawag ko sa kanyang pangalan. Patakbo akong pumunta kung saan siya nakatayo.
"Avi? What's the matter?" He said evenly. Napahawak muna ako sa aking dibdib habang hinahabol ang aking hininga.
"Hear me out first, please. You need to listen because I will only say this once." The seriousness in my voice made his posture stiffens. Now that I was in front of him, I thought my heart would burst.
"I understand why you and your family must leave the country. I heard it from Klaude. It's better since the professionals there can help you with your condition." May halong kaba na sabi ko. Kumunot ang noo ni Kagan na parang hindi niya naiintindihan ang gusto kong sabihin. He moves forward, gapping the distance between us. He then put the strands of my hair covering my face at the back of my ears.
"Avian, are you okay?" He asks, putting his hands on my shoulder—enough for me to feel the warmth coming from him. The prospect of not telling him what's been running inside my head is terrifying. That's why I have to tell it to him now or never.
"I don't know when it started, Kagan. It just happened." I let out a heavy choking breath.
"I came from your house. Your mother invited me." Kagan drops his hands to the side. He stiffens from his place.
"Pinakita niya sa akin ang black and white oil pastel crayon drawing sa loob ng kwarto mo. At first glance, I knew it was me." Nilakasan ko ang loob ko na tumingin sa kanyang mata. It's in his eyes where I find the light again. This time, I won't let my blackhole to swallow my wholeness. I didn't know that confessing is hard.
"I'm sorry, Avian. I couldn't get the chance to tell you. Parang nawawalan ako ng pagkakataon na sabihin sa'yo. It was that drawing that made me recognize you." He suddenly muttered, but I shook my head. Telling him that wasn't the reason why I was here in front of him.
"I know that a lot of things are happening to you right now, Kagan. Your past was a very, very, very dark place. But I want to tell you how you have been a great help to me. When Emma accidentally slipped on that cliff, I have carried the guilt since then. I was blaming myself for what happened to her. I nurtured the pain in me that I felt every day. I felt suffocated, unable to live in the present. Until I met you. Your paintings have the ability to draw me in. And that was actually the first time I focused for too long. Your painting touches the most sensitive part of me, my heart. Kaya hindi ko maiwasan humanga sa'yo dahil napakagaling mo sa pagpinta. At first, I was envious of you. Kasi ikaw alam mo ang gusto mong gawin, habang ako naman hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung anong gusto ko o kung anong gusto kong maging. Everyone has no time for anyone else. But when it comes to you, Kagan, you're one of the few that put up with me. You have time for me. And Kagan, I want to let you know I have time for you, too. I can always make my day free if it's you." My whole body stung with shame when I told Kagan all these things. He noticed how I was struggling with words. He called my name again. Pero umiling lang ako na parang sinasabi sa kanya na hindi pa ako tapos.
"And then suddenly, I was leaning on you for emotional support because I felt we were the same. That you're broken, too. It turned out that what happened to you was way worse than mine. When we're at the rest house, you have been a great help. Hindi mo ako iniwan ng mga oras na iyon. You even help me face my feelings that I couldn't even do back then." I suck a sob. Matiim lang na nakatingin si Kagan sa akin. His eyes bore to mine as if I was the only one he can see.
"You make the living bearable. Because of you, Kagan, I started to see things differently. Because of you, I wanted to continue my life. This time, with purpose. You're like a conclusion to me. Maybe, God is listening after all. You're the salvation I was asking for." My eyes started to get blurrier and blurrier because of the tears.
"Avian, I don't think I can follow," Kagan whispered. I looked at him straight in his eyes.
"Before you go, I wanted to let you know that..." Taking a deep breath, I said.
"Kagan, I love you."
Relationships only start between two individuals if one is courageous enough to cross the line.
***