"Berry. Where are you?"
"Berry." He shouted.
"Yeah.!! I found you."
"Please.. Please... I'm sorry.. Please." Fatima said while crying mess.
"What have I told you berry. Not to hide from me, but you did what."
"Sorry... I'll.. Not hide.. Please please.. Don't hurt me... Please."
"I am going to hurt you berry and you know that but still you try to hide from me. Let's do the thing like we did last night or the before one's. What do you say?"
"No no no please no please no." Fatima begged.
Fatima's pov:
"Nooo.."
I again woke up with this nightmares. Why everytime it feels so real. It's still 3 am. I know he will not come again but he is still with me in my head controlling my every action. Controlling my dreams. Controlling my life.
Even if he is far away for me he is still controlling me like I'm his puppet.
I shake away this thoughts and went to offer my tahajjud Salah. I just sat there for good 1 hour staring at the prayer mat. I got up and was going through the file Hasan gave me. Fatima it's Dr Hasan. Oh.. Yeah Dr Hasan.
I completed the file and it's still 4:45am. I took my outfit for the day and placed it on my bed. I went to balcony and sat there for over 15 minutes. I got up and offered my fajr prayer.
Today also I skipped my breakfast. It's just waste of time. I took a chocolate and ate it so that I won't pass out infront of anyone. It was almost 7:50. I went down and sat in my car thinking whether I locked my door or not.
I again went up and to my surprise it was locked. Wow I locked it. I laughed at my own silliness. I don't know when I laughed properly. I just smile so that it hides my every pain and suffering. I even forgot how to laugh like real.
Luckily I arrived hospital at 8:45. I think today I don't have to listen his scoldings. I know I've to be used to it but I just can't. I just can't think of him scolding me well I deserve his cold behaviour after all for what I did. I went inside and went to my room. Not my room but the room residence share. I kept my bag and took the file and started reading it again so that I can't do any mistakes infront of him.
I looked at the watch and it's already 9:05. Shit. I've to go down fast. Please Allah help me. I rushed towards the general ward. I saw Hasan standing there with his crossed hands. I think I'll be scolded again. Please go gentle on me today please.
I swallowed the lump struck in my throat and went there lowering my gaze. I stood there silently as there were no new patients who need care. I was fidgeting my fingers to calm my nerves.
"Assalam ul alaikum." He said in his hoarse voice. It wasn't like yesterday though. His voice can make my body do different different things.
"Walikum as salam." I said in a low voice still looking down at the floor.
"How are you feeling now?"
Did he really asked that. But why. Why will he ask me that. I really feel like crying now but I just can't. Crying is for strong but I'm so weak that I can't even cry my heart out and to be honest I'm scared of crying infront of anyone.
"Fine." I said in barely audible voice. " Sorry."
"For what?" He asked. I know he is also not looking at me so that I won't feel uncomfortable under his gaze. Which I am really thankful for.
For everything, for hurting you, for breaking your trust, for leaving you, for playing with your feelings. For everything Hasan for everything.
"For.. Yesterday's.. behaviour."
"It wasn't a big deal."
It is a big deal it really is atleast for me.
"Your.. File." I said forwarding his file.
"Have you already read it?"
"Yes"
He took the file and cleared his throat. Unknowingly a smile crept on my face. Why is he nervous. He usually clear his throat or brush his hairs with his hand when ever he is nervous or....What the hell am I thinking. I shouldn't think about all this. I'll loose my mind if I stay a minute with him.
Without saying anything I left from there. I don't know where I was going but to my surprise I'm now standing infront of the terrace. Did I really took all those steps. No doubt why my legs are aching like hell.
I opened the door to terrace and my eyes widened seeing the view infront of me. A woman from yesterday was standing on the railing.
I took some small steps not to scare her or motivate her to jump.
She sensed me and turned towards me. I stood there still.
"Please.. Come down." I said in a shaky voice.
"No." She replied.
"Please it's not the option to take."
"It is the right option."
"No no."
"Why do you care. Leave me."
I took a step towards her.
"Don't come near me or else I'll jump."
" Okay okay but please come down."
"Even my family don't care why are you bothering." She said with tears.
"I care for you. Maybe there are some people who care for you. Please just think about them."
"What is the use I'll die anyways so why not now."
"What if you tried to jump but survived. Then what? There is high possibility that you can survive after surgery. You can live the life you want. Please come down not for anyone but for you. Please give yourself a chance. You deserve the world." I don't know why but a tear fell from my eyes. As if I was saying this to myself.
I slowly walked towards her and forwarded my hand. She was hesitant first but eventually she clutched my hand. I slowly helped her to get down. She immediately hugged me tightly. She was crying in my embrace. I was just caressing and patting her back trying so hard to control my tears and not break down in this instant.
"You are so so brave." I whispered to her.
"Thank you." She said and broke the hug.
I smiled at her. I wish I can help everyone who is suffering but I know I can't. Today I really felt so happy that I helped her. I know how it feels to take our own life or atleast going to that specific edge to take down your own life without anyone by your side.
"Shall we go down." I asked her.
"Yes and.."
"Don't worry I'll not tell this to anyone."
She looked at me with tears in her eyes and she hugged me again. I patted her back gently.
We left from there to go down but I stiffened. How can I go in lift? I can't even take her through steps. I can't leave her alone. What should I do. I can't go in the lift. Luckily a nurse was passing by us. I asked her to take the patient with her.
I went from there as soon as possible. I went back to the terrace and sat there for sometime. I watered the plants and arranged them properly.
I love gardening it's the only thing which makes me feel genuinely happy. I washed my hands and sat near one of the pot. It was red rose.
Well red roses are the best I just love them so much. It makes me feel out of the world. My tears started to escape my eyes I don't know why but I feel like crying so so much that it takes all of my pain. I just hugged my knees and buried my face in it and cried my heart out.
I don't know till how many hours I stayed like this but surprisingly it felt a little good a little relived from everything going on. I got up from down and dusted my dress off and fixed my hijab and wiped my face to get rid of the tears stains. It really feels nice after crying.
I rushed towards the exit and bumped with a wall, I realised now that it's not a wall but a person. I looked up to see and it was Hasan standing there. Shit. I immediately lowered my gaze picking my skin due to nervousness and fear.
"Rea.. Really sorry." Why do I sound so pathetic.
"No problem." His voice really has some, No so much effect on me, even after so many years.
"What are you doing here?"
"Sorry."
"Fatima there is nothing to be sorry about. I just asked the reason why were you here?"
"Just.. Clearing..my head."
"You are still the same." He whispered to himself but I listened. I don't know why my cheeks started heating.
"Have you cried?"
How did he know that. Shit. Am I looking that ugly? What should I tell him? Ofcourse I can't lie on his face and I can't tell the truth either. So I just stood there silently still looking down as if the floor got so interesting.
"Here take this, some of our patient gave before surgery." He said giving me the folded paper.
"For me?" I asked. Who might that be? What if it belongs to that monster. What if he knows where I am. No no this can't be happening.
"Hey don't bother yourself it is from a lady." He said calmly as if he already read my mind.
Why is he talking to me so calmly. I don't deserve this. I deserve his hate and his cold behaviour.
I took the paper and unfolded it.
Assalam ul alaikum beautiful Dr.
Sorry I didn't even asked your name. I know you are thinking who I might be . So I'm the one who you saved an hour ago from taking my own life. Thankyou so much for saving me. Thankyou for not making me do the biggest sin. I don't know if my surgery will be successful or not but I'm happy I spend some quality time with the most beautiful Dr from inside and out. If I die this will be my last letter and If I survive I owe you a lunch. Thank you so much once again for giving me a chance and caring for me and trusting me. I just wish every wish you make come true.
~yours Ayesha.
I don't know when my tears fell from my eyes. For the first time in this past years I genuinely felt so good. I'm just so happy I was able to help someone.
I looked up and saw Hasan is already looking at me with the emotions I can't tell. I immediately looked the other way. He clears his throat. Wow he is nervous again.
"Can I.. ask.. you..a question... please?" I asked. I just hope he says yes.
"Yes."
"How is she now? Was the surgery a success? When can I see her? Do you think I can meet her? Will she can live her life like before?" I blurred out without thinking. Shit. I facepalmed myself in my head. This is so so embarrassing. Why can't I control my mouth and that to infront of him.
"Sorry." I said in a low voice.
I heard one of the most soothing and most addictive thing. His chuckle. He just chuckled at me.
"Don't worry she will be fine." His one sentence answered all of my questions.
"Thanks."
I looked at my watch and my eyes widened. Omg it's almost 6 pm. I was here the whole time no whole day without doing anything. Even though I haven't done my work why is he not scolding me. Is he going to scold me later because he haven't noticed my absence. I even didn't attend the surgery with him. Did he already arranged everything. Why does this always happens to me.
We just stood there in complete awkward silence. But finally he broke it.
He cleared his throat first. He is clearly Nervous again. Why is he nervous talking to me.
"Can I ask you something?" He asked.
"Yes."
"Are you really fine?"
How should I answer to this question now. Why is he even asking this, does he know something? Did someone told him anything?
"Alhamdulillah." This is the best answer for every situation. It is neither a lie nor complete truth.
He just nodded in response. I know he doesn't beleived me for a second. I have to run from here as soon as possible.
"Umm.. Excuse me." I said and turned around to go. But what can I say I just have so much of bad luck with me. I tripped on the stone, I was ready to fall down so I shut my eyes. But I didn't fall.
I opened me eyes slowly to see Hasan hand was infront of me and I held his hand with both of my hands. He didn't touched me anywhere. He just forwarded his hand for support, and unknowingly I held him. How did I even did this when I closed my eyes I'm thankful he didn't touched me anywhere else.
If it was some random guy I definitely would have got panic attack. Why didn't I got panicked in his case. Why did he even helped me and let me touch him. I immediately took off my hand from his arm.
He brushed his hairs and I'm damn sure he is clearly awkward like me.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to touch you. It was just an instinct." He said scratching the back of his neck. He looked nervous.
Wait what?! He apologised me for touching me. Like really? Everyone used to do it intentionally but he said sorry for that. How? Why? I know he is really a good man but he is still a man.
"Even.. I'm.. Sorry. But.. Thankyou.. For helping..me."
"No problem."
I just nodded and went out. I can feel my cheeks heat. Sorry Allah I shouldn't have touched him. Thank Allah I didn't touch his skin it was his white coat but still it wasn't right.
I rushed towards the stairs. Why is he being so nice to me. I don't deserve this I don't. I don't deserve his pity or his care.
If I would have controlled myself he wouldn't have saw me in that state yesterday and he wouldn't be nice to me after that. I went in the ICU to see Ayesha. To see how she was doing. I checked her and Alhamdulillah she was doing great. I sat there with her. I started feeling dizzy, maybe it's because I haven't drink or eat anything from morning. I just layed my head on her bed.
"Berry. I told you to behave. Haven't I ?"
"So...sorry.. Please leave...me.. Please." I begged.
He started forwarding his steps towards me and I was just stepping back. After few seconds I can't move back as I was near the wall.
"Sor..sorry please...leave me please."
He slammed his hand on the wall near my head and I flinched. He was now caging me with both of his hands. His body was just some inches away from mine. He smirked seeing me begging him to not do anything.
" No no please no please."
"Noo." I woke up all scared and sweaty, I looked around my surroundings and I was sitting beside Ayesha's bed. My hands were trembling and my breaths were getting so uneven. I forced myself and got up from there. As I was going back I again bummed into someone. To my surprise it was Hasan.
"Ple.. Please.. Can..I go.. Early... Please."
"It's not early it's already 11pm. Why are you still here."
"I..I'm.. sorry.. Please...can..I leave.. Please."
"Hey hey relax take some deep breath first and yes you can leave."
I immediately rushed to the parking. My hands were still shaking. I unlocked my car door after many attempts. I opened the door with my trembling hand.
Someone touched my hand and I flinched badly.
"Please.. Leave me... Please." I said with tears in my eyes not looking at the person.
"Hey hey relax it's just me relax." Safa said. " I don't think you can drive your car. I'll drop you."
Thank Allah it is safa and not that monster or some other creep.
"N.. no..I will go.."
"Fatima let me please."
I looked at her and nodded. She came forward and hugged me making me really taken aback by this. I didn't hugged anyone in a really long time except that little girl from earlier.
"Everything is fine relax." She said caressing my back.
She broke the hug and smiled slightly at me and took me to her car. She made me sit on the passenger seat and drove the car. She asked for my address. I was hesitated first but I started trusting her so I gave it not letting the negativity inside me.
"Thank.. You..so..much."
"No need to thank me sweetheart. It wasn't a big deal. Are you sure you can go up alone."
Did she really talked to me so sweetly. I smiled at her weakly.
"Yes.. thankyou once again."
"Take some good rest Fatima."
I nodded at her and went to stairs. Now I've to walk to 4th floor. Great. After about 7 minutes I was up and opened my door. Without doing anything I layed on my bed. I ate some sleeping pills and drifted to sleep.
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