Chapter 47
Avian Burn's Point of View
My body turned rigid from what I heard. It's no secret that Leiti hanged herself. Sa katunayan pa ay alam ng buong tao dito sa lugar na ito ang nangyari sa kanya.
"Kagan, I think it's better to talk outside." I told him since I couldn't see his face or what expression he's making. Mabuti na lang at hindi ko na siya kailangan pang pilitin at pumayag na sa labas na lang kaming magusap. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na si Kagan ang batang lalaki na nakakasama ko dati. Maybe, it was the sole reason why I am comfortable around him or why he piqued my interest the first time we met at Dr. Reus Grimaldi's house. Napakaliit lang talaga ng mundo.
"You knew..." He said when we reached outside. Parehas na kaming nasa labas at nakatingin lang sa abandonadong bahay sa aking harapan. Glancing over my shoulders, I saw how his face darken—remembering the old memories he already buried. My heart aches for Kagan.
"It's not like I forgot about it, Kagan. I just didn't know that it was you." Mahina kong sabi sa kanya. I didn't recognize him since he looked really different when he was a kid. Napakapayat niya dati at halos kalahating mukha niya lang ang nakikita ko. Siguro dahil maliit lang ang bintana kung saan kami naguusap na dalawa.
"When I was alone in there, I am asking myself what the hell did I do wrong? Bakit niya ginagawa sa akin iyon? Isn't mother supposed to love and take care of her child? Then, why did she chained me up? Why is she beating me whenever she got the chance? Why did she treated me like an animal? She'll starve me to death, she didn't even provided me with water. Madalas niya akong iwan mag-isa sa loob." Kagan said, he couldn't keep his composure now. Visiting this place must hurting him. Mula sa pwesto ko ay kita ko kung paano mamula ang mga mata niya at paano mamuo ang kanyang luha. Ito na rin siguro ang dahilan kung bakit marami siyang peklat. I only saw few of his scars whenever I'm near him. Pero hindi ko pa ito nakikita ng buo.
"Kagan..." I couldn't imagine that was what happened to him. He exhaled a lot of air and asked again.
"Why did she try to kill me?" There's a pain in his voice. Yet, here I am, trying to listen to his story. I had already warned myself that this was not going to be good.
"It's because she considered me as the demon's son. Wala akong kaide-ideya kung ano ang pangalan niya o kung anong nangyari sa kanya. Sometimes, when she's around, she'll just talk to herself. And that's when she'll beat me up muttering the word demon. What I remembered was the reason why she chained me up because she's protecting the world from me." Tumawa ito nang pagak. Na parang kahit siya ay hindi makapaniwala sa kanyang alaala.
"It turns out that she was raped and forced to deliver a child she doesn't want. In the hospital, she got the wrong baby." I can't bear the sadness in his voice. How could a misunderstanding create such a massive impact? Sa isang pagkakamali lang ay marami na agad ang naapektuhan.
"You know what?" He said, turning to me.
"What?" I bunch the fabric on my shirt in my hands, so I can stop myself from pushing myself to Kagan.
"When I was growing up, I knew she noticed it too. Na hindi ko siya kamukha o ang lalaking tinutukoy niya. Because I wasn't her child in the first place." He stopped, then tried calming himself.
"That's when... she took her life." When a tear fell from his eyes, that's when I didn't stop myself. I literally push myself to Kagan and give him a tight hug.
"Isn't it ironic? When she realized that she took the wrong child, she just decided to kill herself. She even gripped the key for the chain on her hand. Kaya kailangan ko muna siyang hintayin mamatay bago niya mabitawatan ang susi para sa kandadong nakalagay sa paa ko." May hirap na sabi niya. Nakatayo lang ito sa harapan ko habang niyayakap ko si Kagan. I couldn't imagine the fear that Kagan felt that night. I only saw how Emma slipped on the cliff and I was traumatized for life. How much more witnessing someone else's death? It was scary.
"I think it was my fault," I muttered. I felt how Kagan trembled from fear and shock, but I held him tightly in my arms.
"I knew that it wasn't normal. Especially when I heard the clicking of metals that day. Naramdaman kong may mali sa'yo. I tried talking to my mother about it, yet she didn't believe me. She chose to turn a blind eye, and I did the same. Because I thought adults wouldn't listen. Hindi sila nakikinig sa daing ng mga bata. That's why I didn't reach out. Hindi ko alam na ganon na pala ang nangyayari sa'yo sa loob Kagan." When I said that, I could feel Kagan hugging me back now.
"No, please don't blame yourself, Avi. You've been a great help to me already." He removed himself from the hug, looking at my face. He dried the tears in my eyes using his hand.
"How?" Patuloy na iyak ko. Dahil kahit anong isip ko ay sa tingin ko wala akong nagawa para tulungan si Kagan ng gabing iyon. When we crossed path that night, the time when I saw the door opened, I just walked away from him.
"By just existing. It was you who helped me escape from my reality. I really look forward to meeting you every day. Yet, when that woman caught you spending time with me, she warned me not to talk to you or else she will hurt you."
"What? Is that the reason why you never looked at the window?" My throat is almost too swollen to speak with all the crying. Kagan's eyes still looked empty.
"Yes."
"I saw you grew up, Avi. Isa pa, pangalan mo ang unang binigkas ko."
"Then why didn't you introduce yourself to me the first time we met?"
"It's because I couldn't remember not until the day we spent together at the rest house, Avi. I couldn't bring myself to say it since then."
"So you knew my story right from then? That's why you helped me with Liam since you already knew about him?" He nodded his head.
"Yes." Kagan flashed an uncertain smile. My feet feel so heavy, I have to cling on Kagan's shoulder for support. Para akong mawawalan ng malay sa lahat ng nalaman ko.
He was listening to me all along. Sa tuwing umuupo ako dito sa labas ng bintana ay nasasabi ko ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin. Akala ko ay hindi niya ako napapakinggan. It turns out that Kagan— the kid from before, was the first person to hear my real thoughts and the first person who saw me cry. He knew about my relationship with my mom when dad abandoned me; he knew about Emma; he knew about Liam. It turns out the name Kalix wasn't just a random name I couldn't think of. But it was traced back to the past. Maybe, the reason why Kagan stopped remembering was because he was hurting inside.
With all the pain Kagan suffered when he was a kid, he developed dissociation as he ended up having a dual personality. He gave all the pain and suffering he felt to Kalix— to his other self.
Paano pa kung malaman ito ni Klaude? I think Kagan's past will break him. He grew up in comfort while Kagan grew up in the opposite.
"Your brother, he'll be coming here for you." I take a step backward from him when my tears suddenly stop falling. Pinagmasdan lang ako ni Kagan habang pinupunasan ko ang aking luha gamit ng aking palad.
"And you're not going to the hotel anymore. You'll be staying at our house, Kagan. Ayokong mawala ka sa paningin ko at baka ano pa ang mangyari sa'yo." Kagan stares at me with horror when I said that. Pero seryoso ako na dadalhin ko siya sa amin. It doesn't matter if mom will be mad but I'm not letting Kagan out of my sight now.
Kagan did his best to face his past. This time, he's not alone. I'm with him. His twin brother will be here. He already got a new family that he can treasure for life—the Grimaldi.
It only means that Kagan is trying to get better with his life. He wanted to go on. And just like what he did, I wanted to go on, too. Kagan just inspired me to live a better life.
Wala nang nagawa si Kagan ng hawakan ko ang kamay niya at hinila papalayo sa lugar na iyon. I didn't let go of his hands when we reached our house. It's actually nice that Kagan just let me clasp his hands. Before we entered the main door, I stop from moving and face Kagan. He looked rather calm now.
"Kagan, I should also remind you that I introduced you to my mom as my boyfriend since I wanted to pissed her off. Kaya sana huwag kang mabibigla." I squeezed my eyes shut when I felt embarrass in front of him. Nakatitig lang si Kagan sa akin habang ako naman ay hindi ko alam kung saan ko ibabaling ang aking ulo. This time, I felt like I knew Kagan even more.
"But Kagan, are you fine now?"
"A little." Bulong nito. Gripping his hand tightly. His hands are warm against my hand. I smiled at him.
"We'll figure it out," I said.
"We?" He sounded surprised.
"Yes. You, me," hindi ko na natapos ang sasabihin ko nang may tumawag ng malakas sa aking pangalan. It was Klaude together with Pru half running on the side walk. I already gave them the direction of my place when I sent the school contact information. Dahil malaki na sila ay mukhang nakuha agad nila ang kanilang pupuntahan.
"and Klaude." I continue. Kagan was quiet.
"This time, Kagan, you're not alone in this." Sabi ko sa kanya nang diretso. When I let go of his hands to face Klaude, I heard him say thank you. His voice is soft, almost a whisper.
I told him not to mention it. Besides, it was him, Kagan, who made me believe in life again.
Halmeoni, if you are listening, I think I know now who can give 3Ls for me. Live. Laugh. Love. It's him. It's Kagan.
"Ang lalayo ng mga bahay dito, Avi. Akala ko naliligaw na kami ni Klaude." When Pru reached our place, that's when I removed my hands on Kagan. We're still standing on the doorstep. Hindi ko namalayan na dalawang oras na pala agad ang nakalipas. Whenever I'm with Kagan, time travels so fast. Albert Einstein said that time is relative. I guess that's true. Because when I move slower with Kagan, time is moving faster.
"Hey," Bati ni Klaude sa amin habang katabi niya si Pru.
"Hey." Kagan acknowledged his twin brother. Bumaba naman ang tingin ko kay Pru.
"This is the place you grew up?" Pru asked me while looking around. Klaude smacks his forehead because of Pru.
"Sorry, she just pushed herself to the helicopter. Naisama ko tuloy siya papunta dito." Tukoy ni Klaude habang tumitingin na rin kay Pru. Pru crossed her arms to her chest and stood proudly as ever.
"Let me tell you, Mr. Grimaldi, you're here because of me. Me!" Pru exclamation. That's true. Because of Pru's connection, they easily landed the helicopter on the school's open field. I still don't know how powerful her clan is. Pero sa tingin ko ay hindi ito biro.
"I know, I know. I owe you one, Stanislaski." Klaude muttered, shaking his head in defeat.
"Avi," Klaude said as he turned to me and Kagan's side.
"Everything fine?" He asks.
"No," I said. This is the moment to be open and honest. I can't drag this out any longer. Kagan looked at me, sighing. While I pulled myself together and tried to push the tears by blinking rapidly. Tumingin si Pru sa amin tatlo na mukhang walang naiintindihan sa nangyayari. It's not like I want to make her out of place.
Naagaw ang atensiyon namin ng biglang bumukas ang pinto. Lumabas dito si Kristoff na nagtataka kung bakit apat na kami dito sa labas. His eyes widened when he looked at Kagan then to Klaude then to Kagan again. Kagan looked away while Klaude cleared his throat.
"Good afternoon, Sir. My name is Klaude; I'm friends with Avi." Ngumiti si Klaude kay Kristoff. He extended his arms to offer a handshake. Kristoff accepted reluctantly.
"Apologies for not introducing myself earlier, Sir. I'm Kagan." May hiya sa bawat bigkas ni Kagan ng salita. Napahawak ito sa kanyang batok at lumingin palayo.
"I'm Pru! I'm friends with Avi too!" Pru interjected. The heavy ambiance vanished because of her presence.
"I didn't knew that you got a lot of friends, Avi. Come in. Tsaka huwag niyo na akong tawagin na Sir. My name's Kristoff, pwede niyo akong tawagin sa pangalan ko o kaya naman ay Tito. I'm Avi's stepfather. Let's go inside." Pinagbuksan niya kami ng pinto. Nathaniel was sitting on the sofa looking surprised that I have my friends with me inside. Even my mother who wasn't expecting any guests. Siguro ang mas ikinagulat niya ay kung bakit mayroong kaparehong mukha si Kagan. Facing my mother with courage, I introduced them one by one.
"They're my friends from the university, Mom. She's Pru Stanislaski," turo ko kay Pru na malaking ngumiti sa harapan ng nanay ko.
"This guy on my left is Klaude Grimaldi," I muttered. Klaude said hi to her. I whirled around to my right, just to realize that Kagan is standing so close that I can feel his warm breath on my ear.
"And this is Kagan Grimaldi," I emphasize every word to my mother. To let her know that Kagan was no longer the nameless chained kid across the street. He's got a family of his own and a life to continue away from that dark, cold room.
I thought my mother would give a disapproving face, but I was actually shocked when she asked if they are already eaten. Klaude said that they hadn't eaten their lunch. Nagmadali daw kasi silang makarating dito. Klaude already made himself comfortable, but Kagan was still stiff and guarded.
"Ano naman ang sinakyan niyo para makarating kayo agad dito?" Kristoff asked them. We're now on the dining area as I helped in preparing the table so they can eat their lunch three in the afternoon.
"Oh, we took a helicopter, Tito," Klaude answered. Sinabi niya iyon na parang normal lang na sumakay sa helicopter.
"A helicopter!" Nathaniel suddenly butted in. The idea of them getting in a helicopter piqued my stepbrother's interest. Kinausap naman ni Pru si Nathaniel at sinasabi sa kanya kung anong pakiramdam sumakay sa helicopter. Nathaniel listened attentively.
"So Klaude, what do your parents do?" My mother asked when they started eating. Ito na nga ba ang sinasabi ko. Kaya kanina pa ako hindi mapakali dahil naghihintay lang ang nanay kong bumwelo para magtanong.
"Mom!" I said. I was about to stand up from my seat when Kagan grabbed my hands under the table—shaking his head as if telling me it was okay.
"Let Klaude do all the talking, Avi," Kagan whispered to me, squeezing my hand tightly. This is the reason why I'm uncomfortable with my mother.
"My father runs a business. It's an automotive industry." Klaude said, tilting his head so he could look at my mother.
"Oh my! Don't tell me your father is Kinsley Grimaldi. The founder of Go Future Motors?" Kristoff mumbled. Shock is evident in his voice.
"Yes, Tito," Klaude answered as if it wasn't a big deal. Nagsimula na silang magusap tungkol sa sasakyan. Tahimik lang akong tumitingin sa kanila. Maybe this is why Kagan stopped me earlier because he knew that Klaude could easily take care of it. Looking at Klaude right now, it is as if he was made for socializing. He's making small talk with my mother, giving her compliments from time to time. Surprisingly, my mother couldn't contain her smile. Don't tell me Klaude's words swayed her? Geez. Kagan remained silent the whole time.
Kahit dumating ang kukuha sa amin ng litrato para sa aming family picture ay hindi ito nagsasalita. Ngunit hindi ko tinatanggal ang tingin ko sa kanya. Maybe because I am afraid that he will vanish if I wasn't looking at him. We're about to wrap up the picture taking when Klaude suddenly pushed Kagan on my side.
"Hey, Avi. Halika dito at pipicture ko kayong dalawa ni Kagan. Pwesto ka sa tabi niya." I glared at Klaude, asking what game he's playing at. Ngumisi lang ito habang hawak ang kanyang phone na mukhang ready na para kuhaan kami ng litrato. Kagan and I glanced at each other, awkward at first. But I should remind myself that if I don't want to regret my decision, dapat ngayon pa lang ay gawin ko na ang gusto ko talagang gawin. Without having second thoughts, I positioned myself at his side.
"Smile." When Klaude started taking pictures of us, my breath caught in my throat. I can't find any words to say; it's like my mind is empty unable to think of anything now that Kagan is standing beside me. Napatingin ako sa camera at matipid na ngumiti.
"Kagan, I'm really glad that you decided to move forward." I whispered to Kagan without looking at him. At alam kong nakatingin lang kaming dalawa sa camera ni Klaude.
"It's because I was with you, Avi. From then until now." He whispered back. I gave myself a nod and couldn't contain the beating of my heart.
***