Chapter 45
Avian Burn's Point of View
"Tell me this isn't happening." Ilang beses kong pinilit ang sarili ko na hindi ito nangyayari. I was inside Kagan's car and he's already driving to my home place. To the place where I grew. To the place where I got hurt, abandoned, and damaged. Wala sa isip ko na babalik ako ulit sa lugar na aking tinakbuhan. Pero ang mas hindi ko inaasahan ay kasama ko pa si Kagan. Napapadalawang isip na tuloy ako kung tama lang na sinabi ko sa kanya na pupunta ako dito o hindi. If I didn't let him know, then maybe I'll be alone in this journey.
"This is happening." Maikling pahayag nito habang nakatingin sa daan. To think that he will be driving for eight hours straight, for sure, it will be tiring.
"Are you seriously coming with me?" I asked again as I watched him comb a thick hank of his hair upward.
"Yeah, I'll just stay in the hotel." Another plain response from Kagan. Napahawak ako sa seat belt.
"Paano ka naman nakakasigurado na may hotel doon?"
"Isn't every place have hotels?" He glanced quickly at my side, his lips pursed.
"Good point," I murmured. Later, I looked at the back and noticed a black bag sitting on the backseat.
"You even brought your painting materials."
"In case I'll get bored." With little enthusiasm, he answered. Ang pinagtataka ko lang ay parang mayroon na ito agad sagot sa mga tanong ko. He was so focused on the road that all I could see was his side profile. I don't know if he's just really focused on the road so both of us will be safe or if there's something bothering him.
"But Kagan, we're not even really dating. Hindi mo ako kailangan ipagdrive sa amin."
"I know. You don't have to tell me. But—," Kagan contemplated.
"Never mind. I want to come with you. No reasons." I sigh in defeat.
"Or do you just need new surroundings to have the inspiration to paint?" He nodded.
"That too. Dr. Clarke suggested something; I decided to give it a shot."
"And what is this something you are talking about?"
"Just things." It's clear as daylight that Kagan doesn't want to tell it me.
"Okay," I said, not pushing the topic any further.
Suddenly, my phone vibrated in my left pocket. The notification came from none other than Klaude Grimaldi.
I've heard you two are going to your home place. The text said, followed by cry emoji.
I really wanted to come but I realized you two must needed a quality time together. I frowned when I read the text. Naigilid ko naman ang phone ko para hindi makita ni Kagan ang text na nagmula sa kanyang kambal na kapatid.
"Stop it, Klaude. Kagan insisted on driving me home." I texted him back.
Will you tell him your feelings, Avi? Go for it before things get too late. Bye-bye, sister-in-law! Safe travels!
I rolled my eyes even though Klaude couldn't see me. Ibinalik ko sa aking bulsa ang aking phone. It's not like Kagan and I are going there for vacation. Hanggang ngayon ay may bigat pa rin sa aking dibdib ang bumalik. Masyadong maraming mapait na ala-ala sa akin ang lugar na iyon.
"How's your mother like?" Kagan suddenly asked. I felt alarmed by the thoughts of my mother.
"Strict." That's all I can say. I wish to add the word perfectionist, but I stopped myself.
"You sound like you don't have a good relationship with her."
"Maybe," I answered. He turned to me slowly.
"She only cared about numbers and figures. She cared about how much money you make in a month. The respect she will give you is based on how much or how big your house is or which country a family goes on vacation. She measured everything. She even put me in different classes to compete with her friend's daughter. That's how she measured my worth as her daughter." I started blabbering, but Kagan stayed still and listened. Hindi ko alam kung paano nakakatagal si Kristoff sa kanya. But then, Kristoff is the man who she cheated with. That's why my father left us.
"I don't think she will greet you when she meets you later, Kagan. I am giving you a fair warning. She will measure you first. I'll apologize now in case my mother will offend you." Kagan only gave me a faint smile as if he had already readied himself long ago.
Time passed like a blur inside his car. Habang sinusundan niya ang daan sa GPS ng kanyang kotse ay unti-unting bumabagal ang kanyang sasakyan. Tumingin ako sa labas ng bintana at napahinga nang malalim. This place is so familiar to me. Kahit ang mga pwesto ng bahay ay alam na alam ko. Because this place is where I grew up.
"You can pull over in the side, Kagan."
Kagan stopped the car while he scanned the vicinity. I, on the other hand, readied myself since I'll be seeing my mom anytime soon. I'm still uncertain what to feel, but I know I didn't miss her all these years. For sure, she's busy playing family with Kristoff. I'm praying to all the gods that she treats her stepson differently. Not the way how she raised me, or else he'll grow up with pain in his heart.
My mother was already waiting for me in near the doorsteps. Nakatayo lang ito sa labas habang matiim na tumitingin sakin habang bumaba ako sa kotse ni Kagan. Kagan was the one who got off first, getting my things on the backseat. Nang lumapit ito sa aking pwesto ay inabot niya ang bag ko.
"Is that your mom on the doorstep?" Tanong niya habang nakatuon sa akin. I looked at where my mother was standing.
"Yes. Just don't mind her." I said. Kagan scowled.
"She's looking at me as if she's going to eat me alive." I almost laugh at that. We're too focused on each other as if my mother isn't looking at us on the doorstep.
"That's her normal face." My mother exudes an intimidating aura built with sophistication and tyranny.
"I should probably go."
"Kagan, are you sure you'll be fine in your own? Bago ka pa lang dito, so possible na maligaw ka?" Napatanong ako bigla.
"That's why Google Maps was created, Burn." He grins, showing me his phone.
"Whatever. I knew which hotel you'll be saying. Sabagay, isa lang naman ang hotel na pwede mo pagstayan dito." This place is small. Parang tuldok lang ang aming lugar sa mapa. Pwedeng libutan ng isang buong araw ang buong lugar.
"Why do you ask? Balak mo ba akong puntahan?" May halong biro ang boses nito.
"Yep. That's where I run, in case things get worse here." I gave him a look, telling me I was uncomfortable staying here as if I was living with strangers. Nakuha naman niva agad ang gusto kong ipahiwatig. Maybe that's the reason why I like Kagan; I don't have to explain myself to him.
He cocked his head to his car, silently telling me he'll go now.
"See you."
"Bye, Kagan." I waved my hands on him. Hinintay ko muna itong makaalis bago naglakad kung saan nakatayo ang aking nanay. Nakataas ang kilay nito na sumalubong sa akin.
"Who was that?" There's a sharpness in her voice, silently scrutinizing Kagan even though he's no longer here.
"Nice to meet you too, mom." I said with sarcasm and entered the house. Ramdam ko naman ang pagsunod niya sa akin.
"I asked you." She firmly said. I tried my best not to roll my eyes, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to piss her off. That's why I faced her with my head up high.
"My boyfriend." I shut my eyes tight. I'm sorry, Kagan, I lied about our relationship again.
"You came out of your boyfriend's car and he didn't even greet me? Disrespectful." Nang tuluyan na ako makapasok ay doon ko napansin na wala ang bago niyang asawa sa loob ng living room. Mula sa loob ay parang walang nagbago. The setup is still the same. But this time, hindi lang kaming dalawa ang nakatira. Pati na rin ang bago niyang asawa at ang kanyang anak. When she remarried Kristoff, he already had a son. His name is Nathaniel, age thirteen. He's my stepbrother and that kid is afraid of me for no reason.
"I asked him not to greet you. Then what? You'll probably measure him up if he can reach your standard." Gosh! Ngayon lang ulit kami nagkita at ngayon ay nagtatalo kaagad kami. Hindi talaga kami dapat magsama sa iisang lugar. We always clash. My mother must be the reason why I haven't been saying what's running inside my mind. It's because if I do, the hitting won't stop. Hindi man lang nagbago ang mukha ng aking nanay simula ng umalis ako dito. It's still the same uninviting face. Thanks for that laser treatment, her face looked youthful.
"What does he do?" Akala ko ay titigil na ito magtanong sa akin.
"He paints." I saw how my mother scoffed when she heard the word paints. I am tempted to ask what's the matter, but I should remind myself that I am talking with my mother.
"Do you even call that a career? Can that even pay the utility bill?" Here we go again. I'm not expecting anything, yet I'm disappointed. She doesn't know that Kagan can earn more in a single day than she can earn in a week.
"Stop it!" I snapped. Ayokong maliitin niya ang ginagawa ni Kagan dahil hindi naman niya ito kilala. I know talking back to your mother is considered as disrespectful but I can't take it if she continue to belittle Kagan. He doesn't deserve it. Lalo na at alam ko kung ano ang hirap at pagod na dinaranas ni Kagan makatapos lang ng isang painting.
"When did you learn to speak that way? Can he even give you a good life by just doing that?" Her nostril flared up. Na para bang hindi niya nagustuhan ang sinabi ko.
"If good life meant having a big house to brag with other people, then I don't want it. I don't want that definition of good life." I said with my face straight. We just stopped exchanging words when Kristoff got down the stairs.
"Avian, nandito ka na pala." Bati nito sa akin at nginitian ako ng tipid. Kristoff and my mother started having an affair even when I was young. He looked like Tom Cruise, with that noted jawline. He tried to befriend me, but I still couldn't accept him in this family. But I tried to act as civil as possible. Tumingin siya sa akin at tumingin sa kanyan asawa. Not surprised that we're already arguing even if we've just seen each other after four difficult years.
"Yeah, hey." That's all I managed to say when I gripped my hand bag and go upstairs. Pumasok ako sa kwarto ko na walang pinagbago at tsaka hinagis kung saan ang aking bag. The only thing that changed was probably the bed sheets. Even the glow-in-the-dark stars are still on the ceiling. Napahiga ako sa kama at napatingin sa itaas.
What am I even doing there?
Gripping my phone tightly in my hand, I tried texting Kagan But deleted it right away. I'm about to ask if he's now in the hotel but I decided not to text him. Kakaalis niya lang kani-kanina ay itetext ko kaagad ito? Besides, I don't want him to think that I am clingy. Napukaw lang ang atensiyon ko nang unti-unting bumukas ang aking pinto.
"Ate Avi," mahina nitong sabi. It was Nathaniel peeking on the door. Ulo lang niya ang nakikita ko dahil nakatago ang katawan niya sa pinto. Bakas ang hiya sa kanyang mata. Tumingin lang ako sa kanya at hinintay ang sunod niyang sasabihin. From the door, he walks toward my bed.
"I'm sorry I used these." Mula sa kanyang likuran ay may pinakita ito sa akin. It was my oil pastel crayons that my dad bought me many years ago.
"Kinailangan ko po kasi ng mga ganito sa school. Biglaan ang paggamit namin kaya hindi na ako nakabili ng sarili kong crayons. And then mom saw these at your drawer and let me use it. Ngayon ko lang po ibabalik kasi baka hanapin niyo." Inabot niya sa akin ang naka kahon pa na oil pastel na pinaglumaan na ng panahon. I get the box from his small hands and check the insides. It's a twelve color oil pastel yet one is missing. I remembered asking my dad to buy me these because Emma's father bought her eight shades of oil pastel for our art activity. I let out a bitter smile. Hindi ko lang napapansin pero siguro ay matagal na akong nakikipag kompetensiya kay Emma.
"I swear Ate Avi, the black oil pastel is already missing when I used it." May takot sa boses niya pero napahawak na lang ako sa kanyang ulo at ginulo ang kanyang buhok.
"You can use this, Nathaniel. Hindi ko na rin naman ito gagamitin." Binalik ko sa kamay niya ang kahon at nakita ko naman na lumiwanag ang kanyang mukha.
"You don't have to worry about that one missing color. Ako ang nakawala ng kulay na iyon." I gave him a sincere smile. I felt him start to get at ease.
"Talaga ate Avian? Salamat po! Akala ko po ay magagalit kayo dahil ginamit ko ng walang paalam."
"Bakit naman ako magagalit dahil lang dito?" I motioned him to sit on my bed. Ginawa naman ito ni Nathaniel.
"Don't you hate me?"
"Why? Why would I hate you?"
"It's because my father and I started living in your house?"
"No, that's not it."
"Then why are you two always fighting?" For a kid like him? He sure got a lot of questions inside his head.
"Mom, I mean your mom, but she told me I can call her mom. So, I'm going to call her mom." Tanong nito sa akin. I turned to him, kneeling on the ground. Pumwesto ako sa tapat niya at humawak sa kanyang mga kamay.
"Nathaniel, did mom ever hit you?" Umiling naman ito.
"I can say that she's good to me." Nakahinga naman ako nang maluwag dahil sa sinabi niya.
"I don't hate you, Nathaniel. Mom and I argue a lot about things. But it's not because you started living with us."
"Then why do you leave, Ate Avi?" I chewed the inside of my cheeks when Nathaniel asked that.
"There are things that are hard to say, Nathaniel." I purred. This house was never a home to me. Medyo humigpit ang pagkahawak ko sa kanyang braso. Mabuti at hindi na siya nagtanong pa. Nathaniel and I stopped talking when a soft knock came on the door. It was Kristoff standing in the doorway.
"Lunch is ready, kids. Darating na rin ang magpipicture sa atin para sa family photo maya-maya." Naunang lumabas si Nathaniel papunta sa kusina. Sinundan ko siya palabas. I hope that this lunch we'll go smoothly as possible. I don't want to argue with my mom. If we finished taking that so-called family photo, then I will leave at instant. Wala naman akong balak magtagal dito.
We took our lunch silently. Pero mukhang nagpipigil lang ang nanay ko na hindi magtanong tungkol sa akin at kay Kagan. The ambiance in the room started to get heavy. Tanging mga tunog lang na galing sa kubyertos ang aking naririnig. Suddenly, I was reminded of Kagan. Did he already eat his lunch? Maaga kaming umalis kanina. Nagtake out lang kami ng pagkain sa coffee shop. When I admitted to myself that I like Kagan, I started to worry about him. Isa pa, bigla na lang siya papasok sa isip ko. When we finished our lunch, my mother didn't talk to me at all. I am glad because of that. I started to gather all the plates and put them in the sink. That's when I silently started to do the dishes. I need something to focus on.
"Do you really plan to throw your life away with that man?" my mom started to enter the washing area. Parang hinihintay niya lang ang pagkakataon na wala kaming kasama.
"Mom! Can you stop this?" I pleaded. Grabbing the plates tightly.
"I'm just worried about your life, Avian! If you're smart, stop your relationship with him."
"Worried about me? Parang kelan lang hinahataw mo ako ng sinturon mo at wala kang pakealam kung saan ako tatamaan." There's sarcasm in my voice.
"Don't put me into this." May galit sa kanyang boses.
"This is about you and your lack of judgment in choosing a guy!" She said. That made me frown. Why is she so invested so much in this topic?
"Ayokong magkaroon ng baliw na balae, Avian. Ayus-ayusin mo ang pagpili ng taong makakarelasyon mo."
"Balae? What are you saying?" Isn't balae is the term for relationship between the parents of a married couple? Damn. Sinabi ko lang na kasintahan ko si Kagan pero bakit pagaasawa na agad ang nasa isip ng aking nanay.
"That boy's mother was crazy!" Nagsimula na akong maguluhan.
"Kagan's mother is not crazy! And how did you know if you haven't even met her!" Napataas na ang boses ko. The image of Kagan's mother flashed in my mind when I saw her at the studio. She's a refinable and respectable lady. My mother still doesn't know that Kagan came from a wealthy household.
"Of course, I know her because they just lived across our street back then." Lalong kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Huh? My initial reaction is to open my mouth from shock.
"Make some sense, Mom!"
"Kailangan ko pa bang sabihin sa'yo? That boy's mother was Leiti—the renowned crazy woman in our place. For sure, you heard about her story. The gossip about her circulating in our town is true." Walang lakas kong naibaba ang hawak kong plato sa sink. I looked at the running water dripping from the faucet.
"That's why he looked so familiar to me when I saw him. Ngayon ko lang naalala. Is he a driver now working in a rich family? I saw him drive a car. Saan kayo ulit nagkitang dalawa at inuwi mo pa ang lalaking iyon dito? May balak ka pa yatang bigyan ako ng kahihiyan." Malapit lang ang nanay ko sa aking pwesto pero parang hindi ko marinig ang kanyang sinasabi.
"Leiti? Isn't she the one who left our town to become a maid in a rich household? Who got raped and pregnant, and she's carrying a child when she came back here?" Paglilinaw ko.
"See, kahit ikaw ay alam mo." It's because mom and her amigas discussed about Leiti whenever she crossed their minds.
"You're telling me that Kagan was Leiti's son?"
"So that poor kid has a name." She scoffed. Pero wala na sa kanya ang atensiyon ko. Para akong pinagsakluban ng langit at lupa sa aking mga nalaman. Oh my god! Binundol ng kaba ang aking dibdib. Even my hand started to tremble in fear. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be doing the dishes right now. Pakiramdam ko ay biglang bumigat ang mata dahil sa namumuong luha.
"Oh my god!" My chest clenched, and even my stomach started to grumble. I think I'm going to vomit all the things I ate from earlier. Agad kong tinanggal ang sabon sa aking kamay at dumiretso sa aking kwarto para kunin ang aking phone. My mother called my name, but I didn't give her my attention. I hurriedly dialed Kagan's phone number but was directed to a voice message.
Shit. I keep chanting in my head. I started to face back and forth while clenching my teeth from anxiety. Naghalo-halo na ang nararamdaman ko. There's fear, worry, and pain in me. When I was directed to voice message for the second time around, I scrolled to my phone to dial Klaude's number. I waited for more rings before he finally picked up.
"To what I owe this pleasure for calling me?" He asked on the other line with his normal jocular tone. At dahil narinig ko ang aking boses ay tuluyan nang bumagsak ang mga luha ko.
"Klaude!" I cried his name. Kahit hindi ko nakikita ang mukha niya ngayon ay alam kong bigla itong sumeryoso.
"Are you crying? Why? Anong nangyari, Avi? Ayos ka lang ba?" He suddenly sounded worried. Clutching my hands on my phone, I speak.
"I think..." I suck my breath.
"I finally know what happened to Kagan and where he came from." I finally said. He yelped a little, shocked at what he was hearing.
"It's nasty, Klaude. I don't even know where to start."
***