Chapter 42: We'll meet again
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The aches set in after dawn. An hour later, it felt as if her bones were trying to push through the places where her joints met.
Kaz stayed by her side but needed to get out to talk about the plan, Jesper was a worried mess as soon as Kaz mentioned the word fever.
as Zaria stood on her feet, she collapsed to the ground immediately, tears raced down her flushed cheeks as she suddenly got this urge to kill.
Everything felt wrong. All she could think of was the sweet, burnt taste of the parem. Her throat itched. Her skin felt like an enemy.
her legs won't move, she doesn't know where she is, and all she knows is that she is alone and probably going to die. Because this pain was nothing like getting stabbed or sliced in the face, it was worse.
It was the same for Nina but the Heartrender's pain soothed for a while before starting again, for Zaria, it didn't stop not one second.
she took too much of the parem, she was going insane, Kuwei was right the first dose was murdering her.
The Devil manipulated her and she was now burning in his hell, Nina begged for Matthias to leave but she knew he will never leave her no matter what.
Nina shook her head when Matthias asked her if she wanted another dose, "Don’t give me another dose. Whatever I say, Matthias, no matter how much I beg. I don’t want to be like Nestor, like those Grisha in the cells."
Zaria on the other hand was slowly ending up like Nestor and the other grishas in the cell, saints, she didn't even want to take the jurda, only did it so Nina wouldn't suffer alone, but now, she was suffering more than anyone did.
"Nina, Kuwei said the withdrawal could kill you. I won't let you die."
Kuwei. Back at the treasury Matthias had said, He’s one of us. She liked that word. Us. A word without divisions or borders. It seemed full of hope. She flopped back down, and her whole body rebelled. Her clothes were crushed glass.
"I would have killed every one of the drüskelle." Matthias looked into her green eyes, "We all carry our sins, Nina. I need you to live so I can atone for mine."
"You can do that without me, you know." He buried his head in his hands shaking his head, "I don’t want to."
"Matthias," she said, running her fingers through the close crop of his hair. It hurt.
The world hurt. Touching him hurt, but she still did it. She might not ever get to again, "I am not sorry," He took her hand and kissed her knuckles gently.
She winced, but when he tried to pull away, she clutched him tighter, "Stay," she panted. Tears leaked from her eyes.
"Stay till the end"
"And after," he said, "And always."
"I want to feel safe again. I want to go home to Ravka."
"Then I'll take you there. We'll set fire to raisins or whatever you heathens do for fun."
"Zealot," she said weakly.
"witch."
"Barbarian."
"Nina" he whispered, "little red bird. Don't go."
oh if only Kaz Brekker held Zaria as Matthias did to Nina, all the pain would disappear and she would die peacefully, but she despised the thought of him seeing her like this.
Zaria crawled towards the door sobbing in pain, her trembling hand reached to lock the door but it was as if metal was burning her, she couldn't even lock the door without her fingers aching.
so this is what death feels like? Zaria stood so many times on rooftops with emotionless eyes and did dangerous things just to feel a thing but now that she felt things, the girl didn't want to die anymore.
this drug made her scratch walls in pain, her vision red, and the voices in her head getting louder as time goes by.
Even a spider landing on the wooden floor caught her eye.
The crows on the other hand thought that she was asleep, but no, the drug was eating the girl alive and making her mind shut down and go into full-on murder mode.
sliding down the floor, her chest going up and down rapidly Zaria could taste the salty tears.
She cried, clenching her stomach in pain and placing her forehead on the ground, crying to the saints to let her live, to make the pain go away.
Looking up, Zaria screamed, her father's head on top of her with blood dropping, her mother was grinning at her like she did that night, and she was suddenly in the forest.
"Now now, doing this for a bunch of kids, I taught you better than that." Her mother laughed and stepped towards Zaria who took a step back, shaking her head.
"You're not real!" She exclaimed crawling away from her mother who took another step, "Yes I am, my love." Zaria looked around in search of any of the crows.
"Kaz?" She cracked searching for the love of her life, "Kaz is not here!" Screamed the woman running towards Zaria who covered her face with shaking hands and backed into the door.
"KAZ!" she screamed loud enough for the entire ship to be shaken by her calls, the windows suddenly broke sending shards of glass all over the Ferolind.
the crows froze, blood running cold and goosebumps appeared, Kaz ran, and despite his bad leg, he ran.
Everyone moved except Wylan who was frozen in a spot still shaking, Jesper turned the knob left and right but it was locked, he banged on the door calling out for the girl who cried.
"Zaria! please, answer me! open the door my love!" he yelled, begging her to open the door but the girl shook her head as if he could see her, "sorry, I'm fine-" she gasped for air and Jes immediately knew she was by the door, he crouched to the ground.
"Z, please, open the door." she shook her head, knowing that if she opened the door she will attack someone, kill them possibly, and Zaria refused to hurt any of the crows.
"I can't..." she whispered and Jesper nodded at Kaz to open the door with his lock picks, "I CAN'T!" she yelled banging on the door, "Kaz don't you dare fucking open the door." she hissed.
"or I will kill you." she hissed, venom clear in her tone, the crows stayed silent, there is no way she can see him through the door but he did as told.
putting away his lockpicks he knocked softly, "Zaria, do you want to try the jurda?" Kuwei had suggested that small doses of regular jurda might help Nina get through the day.
Zaria threw her head back against the door, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I didn't mean to yell at you guys-" she hiccuped after every word, she was hyperventilating.
she sobbed, "Really, I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me." she exclaimed turning to press her forehead to the door, Jesper pressed his closing his eyes and fighting his tears.
"It's okay, hey breathe for me..." She did as Jesper told her, wiping away her tears and taking a deep breath, "We're not mad at you, we are never mad at you, right guys?"
the crows nodded immediately, "never." they all replied in unison.
They could hear groaning and things falling from the inside, "oh shit." She said holding on the wall for dear's life.
Taking a step back and brushing her face sticking to her sides she turned the door knob carefully.
Her body was on fire and it was growing each 5 seconds but she had to.
As soon as she opened the door Jesper sighed in relief and Kaz's eyes lit, she could hear their heart even if she wasn't a Heartrender.
She leaned on the door for support, her whole body trembled as she did everything to stay on her feet.
"Great." Taking a deep breath and ignoring the sudden urge to slam someone against the wall and yell at them to give her jurda.
"Okay, I look fucked up, but...Jes I need you to listen to me very clearly and don't say a word." She ordered.
Jesper nodded feeling anxious already, bags appeared under her eyes and she stared right into his soul.
Jesper felt small under gaze, he always teased her for being taller but now she was the one staring at him making him feel like he was 7 once again getting scolded by his mother.
"If i tell you to give me jurda, don't even think about it." She warned and the zemeni boy immmediately opened his mouth making her desth glare him.
"Don't. Just. Please I am begging you." She looked at him then the crows, her nails digged onto the wood as she tried to keep standing.
"But you will die..." replied Jesper voice full of fesr and worry, Zaria nodded and grimaced at the sudden wave of pain.
"Oh saints-" she called and Jesper wrapped an arm around her waist keeping her from landing on the floor.
Usually the cold metal of Jesper's rings would calm her down and ease the pain and warmth but no, just the bare brush of the metal was like someone placed a burning crowbar on her skin.
"If I die, at least I chose it and I died for something." She said clenching her bestfriend's arm so tightly Jesper was in pain, but brushed it off.
"But-"
"Please, just..don't give it to me." She said between gasps of air, few silent prayers left her lips at the same time since the waves of pain got faster and stronger.
"I rather die peacefully and know that i chose this, than be in pain because I can't control anything." She said making her way towards the room.
Each step was like stepping on needles, Jesper helped her, not bearing to look at the messy and destroyed room because of her anger and the drug taking control.
"I am losing my fucking mind... and I don't want to die like that." Jesper placed her on the bed carefully and helped her lay. She could see the sweat racing down his neck, she caught his wrist.
"Please, brother." She begged in zemeni and Jesper almost fell to the ground and started sobbing, he sat on the ground holding her hand and nodding.
"I..." he let out a shaky breath, Jesper was always good at hiding his feelings but his bestfriend, his sister was dying and he didn't know what to do.
"I am so sorry, I am so fucking sorry." She shook her head, chest going up and down rapidly as she reached to place her other hand on top of his that didn't stop trembling.
"Hush now, it's okay, it's totally fucking okay. I should be the one to apologize." She smiled at him, tears raced down the side of her face, landing on the pillow and forming spots.
Jesper laughed through his own pain and kissed every knuckle, "do you want me to forgive you?" He asked earning a nod from her without a thought.
"Then fight, fight this bullshit so you can live in a mansion one day with me, fight so we visit home together, fight it for me, for the crows, for...Kaz. don't die, fight death with your fists, I'm sure you will win." That made her chuckle.
She laughed, her body screamed in pain but she laughed and Jesper smiled in relief as well, his heart breaking by the minute.
"Just please, fight for me. Try at least. We need you, I need you." He kissed her hand repeatedly, Zaria watched him feeling her eyes get heavier.
She didn't want to leave him, she didn't want to leave the crows, she didn't want to leave anyone. They needed her, she still needs to see her money.
See Kaz destroy Pekka Rollins, together, help Inej with the Menagerie, help Matthias and Nina to find a house so they live happily and raise babies.
After a hot minute, she pulled Jesper's hand closer to her lips, "I'll try. I'll do my best to come back to you all." She looked at the crows through tears.
"Tell Nina I love her, oh, Inej?" She called for the Wraith who immediately appeared, glossy eyes meeting hers, she hated when someone was crying especially her best friend.
"We should visit the café that just opened, me, you and Nina." Inej smiled so brightly that her eyes almost disappeared, "we will. I am so proud of you." She said in Suli, just like Zaria did back at the Ice court.
Zaria smiled, cheeks reddening as she stared at her family in front of her.
Turning her face away not wanting to see them crying anymore she waved them off, "okay if you guys are gonna stand there like statues and cry then no, I need my beauty sleep."
They stayed silent, Jesper kissed her hands one last time before standing, he placed a kiss to her cheek still wet from the tears.
"Fight." With that he left.
Kaz was about to follow them out until she caught his sleeve weakly, "stay..." she whispered with closed eyes, "stay with me."
And she didn't have to say it twice, Kaz already took a seat on the couch he fell asleep on few hours ago, she held his sleeve and started drifting off.
"I will wake up in a few hours, don't worry, pretty boy." She whispered only for him to hear, the door closed about a minite ago so she assumed they were the only one.
Her body started to relax, the pain fading away slowly but she knew it wasn't completely leaving, not anytime soon.
"And I will wait for you to open those beautiful eyes until I'm 100 years old, angel." He replied, fighting his tremors and intertwining her pinky with his.
Zaria smiled lazily, eyes not once opening snd her grin hidden hy the pillow.
"100? That's forever." She replied concentrating on how perfect their pinkies linked, how soft the leather was against her skin.
"Exactly, I will wait for you forever." He said watching her with pure love.
Dirtyhands was in love and he will fight anything and everything for his lover, and when dirtyhands wanted something; he will get it.
"Well then, I will fight for you forever." She replied opening her eyes, they met his, like it was the ending of a fairytale, where the princess and knight are standing in front of each other about to have either their first kiss or are about to get married.
When eyes meet, souls dance, and that eye contact he held with her before she let the exhaustion consume her was one he will never forget.
Because she didn't wake up for the rest of the trip, to have their first kiss or marry him, it was their last.
her pinky held his, Kaz refused to let go, if he did she will slip away and die, and the boy refused that.
Thr fairytale didn't end like the ones they read and their parents told them about before going to sleep.
With the princess marrying the love of her life andovong happily ever after.
No, this one ended like Romeo's and Juliet's, well they don't end their lives but it was a tragic ending
Zaria between life and death fighting with all her strength to stay alive for him, for Jesper, for her family; the Dregs.
They were in love with fairytales even though it hurts.
They will meet again, they didn't know when, until Zaria wakes up from her coma, they will have the happy ending they deserved.
Right?
Cause this was only the beginning and they promised each other to stay alive and fight together.
We'll meet again.
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THE END.
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Yes, this made me bawl like a bitch, but I told y'all, this book is angsty asf.
Zaria is in a coma (slipping into a coma) while holding her lover'a pinky. Not hand. Pinky.
What an ending, so proud after 42 chapters i mean>>>
But let me know what you think and would like to see/know more about Zaria and Kaz<3 and if you got any question don't hesitate to ask!!
If it's about Z or anything, let me know!!
I have been working my best for this book and doing everything I can to upload for you guys as soon as possible so thank you so much to all of you guys love and support for this book and love for Zaria (same) but i truly appreciate it<33
and for Kaz and Zaria's love (a rollercoaster fr) especially!!
But more udates are coming? Or are they?😉
P.S: ignore any mistakes pls.and I wrote this on my birthday at 05 am