Tuesday morning came and the drive to the office sure as hell is dreading.
My eyes looked all puffy with all the crying from last night, I hid it with makeup and hopefully, nobody would notice it.
When I arrived on the 9th floor, my eyes flew to Alex's office. The light is still off so she didn't arrive yet.
Will she show her face after what happened yesterday?
As soon as I sat in my seat, David gave me a mountain of contracts to check and scan. This day would definitely be long.
I started my work and didn't notice it was already lunchtime. Alex was still a no-show.
Should I text her?
Nooooo! You'll scare her more.
I skipped lunch as I was not feeling hungry, anxious is what I've been feeling. Adding loneliness and Idiocy to that.
"Cara, are you not gonna have lunch?" I was startled to hear Brian's voice from behind.
"Geez! What were you doing snucking up from behind?" Brian let out a soft laugh. He pulled a chair and sat beside me.
"Are you not gonna have lunch?" He repeated.
"Look at this." I pointed at the mountain of files on my table. "I wanted to finish them all today and have them not on my back tomorrow."
"You can have lunch even for 30 minutes you know, or less if you eat fast." He joked.
I gave him a weak smile.
"You don't want to eat." It was more of a statement. I shook my head.
"Not that I don't want to eat. I just, I don't feel hungry." It was not a lie.
"Cara, can you be honest with me?" Brian said after a while. Those words made me feel nervous like I know where this conversation is going and I have no way to stop it.
I looked around and all our colleagues are probably still upstairs, which is good as I don't want anybody seeing us right now or worst, hearing our conversation.
"Bry..."
"What's going on with you and Alex, Cara?" His face was so serious and his eyes were sad. He was looking at me and I think he'll be in a lot of pain if I tell him the truth.
"Bry..."
"I can take it you know? And I think I knew, I just wanted to hear it from you."
I turned my seat to face him and held his hands.
"I don't know, Bry. I'm being honest, I don't know what we are. I just know that she's special and I have all these feelings for her that I never felt with anyone before." He bowed his head down, I guess for me not to see the pain crossing his beautiful eyes.
"But you know what, she doesn't feel the same so..."
"Are you kidding?" Brian lift his head up and met my eyes. "Of course, she feels the same way. I saw it at my party last Friday. The way she looks at you, talks to you. And not only that, even here in the office. I will be with her in the corner, her ears are with me but not her eyes. She looks at you like you were the only one in the room." I frowned and wondered at his words.
Is that true? Then why did she leave me the other day when I confessed my feelings for her?
I shook my head, still not convinced.
Brian gave me a weak smile.
"I'm telling you, she feels the same way." He assured me.
"I'm sorry, Bry."
It was his turn to shake his head.
"No, it's fine. I'll be fine, I'm just surprised, I guess."
"Hmm?"
"I didn't know you liked girls." He looked down at our hands.
"Me neither." I looked at what he was doing, he was rubbing my hands and squeezing gently at the same time.
"God! I wish I was a girl." He blurted out.
We both laughed at his joke. I somehow felt some of the weight on my chest was lifted.
"Oh, Brian." I pulled him in for a hug.
My eyes teared up and I didn't mean it. He really did make me feel a little bit better, having a friend by my side felt better.
"What do you say we grab a quick bite upstairs, 10mins tops." He asked me smiling.
I nodded at him and we went together upstairs.
----------------------------------------
As expected, Alex was a no-show. The day ended and nobody knows where she is. I even overheard some of the managers trying to contact her but she was not picking up her phone.
The now familiar pain crept up my chest.
What happened yesterday was so bad that she didn't even want to speak to anybody, and the calls were work-related, it was even worst.
I was driving and I have no clear destination, I didn't want to go home yet, I didn't want to be alone. Dad was spending the week with his parents, my grandparents.
Claire was with her brother and the others, well, I didn't want to call them.
I found myself in front of our house, my Mom's house. It was the house I grew up in but looking at it feels strange.
I suddenly don't recognize it.
I climb down my car and walk in front of the door. I have a key to the house but ever since I moved out, I never used it. I always knock or ring the doorbell.
I don't have a lot of good memories here, maybe that's why every time I come to this place, it always feels strange.
After contemplating, I knocked three times. It is only a little after 6 in the evening, I'm sure Aunt Millie is here.
"Oh, hi Cara." Noah opened the door, my cousin, the eldest son of Aunt Millie.
"Hi, Noah." I walked inside and didn't wait for him to let me in.
"Where's Aunt Millie? And... Mom?" I asked him looking around the living room.
"They are in the kitchen." Noah left after, once he closed the door I made my way to the kitchen.
Aunt Millie was stirring something in the pot while Mom was seated at the dining table arranging some vegetables.
Mom saw me first when I emerged. As usual, she was not happy seeing me. I don't know why I keep coming to this place.
Because you're a good person and a good daughter!
"Hi, Mom." I greeted her, trying to force a smile.
"Oh, hey Cara. You didn't tell me you were coming." Aunt Millie stopped what she was doing and walked toward me. She kissed my cheek and guided me to sit in the dining.
My Mom scoffed so obviously to make me hear it. Letting me know my presence was not wanted by her.
I'm actually used to it but I still felt that pinch in my chest and usually, I will ignore it. But maybe there's something today that I just wanted to say something to her.
"I know Mom, you don't want me here and honestly, I don't want to be here too."
"Then why do you keep coming here?" Her voice which used to scare me when I was a little didn't change. The tone that she always use whenever she was scolding me without any reason was still the same. It was full of hatred.
"Okay, you know what Cara, why don't you go wait in the living room, I'm almost finished here." Aunt Millie who was standing by my side was trying to lift me from my shoulders, trying to stop the impending drama.
"I don't know, Mom. Maybe because I was raised better by my Dad, maybe that's why I keep coming back here even if I know it doesn't make you happy, maybe it is my obligation to still check on you despite of the horrible treatment I get from you!" I ignored my Aunt and whisked away her hands that were trying to pull me out of the kitchen.
My Mom scoffed again, I couldn't even see if my words are hurting her because her face doesn't hold any emotions but disgust.
I felt my eyes welling up. Why did I come here knowing that I was already broken? Am I a masochist? Is the pain brought by Alex not enough that I have to come here and have my own Mother makes me feel shit?
What am I doing to myself?