Chapter 42
Avian Burn's Point of View
"Why are you dragging me away from that man, Avi? I'm going to punch his face for hurting you. You didn't give me a chance." I rolled my eyes at him when he kept blabbering about punching Liam. Kalix really is always looking for trouble. And now I wonder why Kalix appeared this time.
"Where's Kagan?" Sinubukan ko siyang tanungin ng makalayo na ako kay Liam. Bumalik kaming dalawa dito ni Kalix sa cottage. Umupo ito sa couch habang ako naman ay kumuha ng pwedeng mainom. I think my throat is getting dry with all that crying and talking. Strange might it sound but I'm feeling a little better than earlier. Siguro ay dahil nasabi ko na ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin kay Liam. After four years, we finally gained the courage to tell each other how we felt back then. What made it easier is that we both know that everything is just in the past. We live a different life now. And we both understand that.
"Kagan is looking for you. He was worried that something bad had happened to you. I helped him find you, Avi. Tapos makikita lang kitang umiiyak sa harapan ng isang lalaki. Thinking about him made my blood boil. Argh." He exclaimed. His hands turned into a fist, punching the air. Napailing na lang ako.
"Kalix," there's a threat in my voice.
"Fine, I'll stop. Besides, I don't want to ruin the mood. This is the first time that Kagan brought me on vacation." I pressed my lips together, realizing that Kagan had been himself most of the vacation. But not, until his other personality showed up. Maybe, this is the perfect time to be with Kagan in his dark times. He was with me all day. Hindi niya ako iniwan. He helped me face all my worries. And because of that, I learned to detach from my feelings for Liam back then. Having an idea inside my head, I pulled a chair in front of Kalix. Ngayon ay magkatapat na kaming dalawa. Nakita ko kung paano pumula ang pisngi nito dahil sa sobrang lapit namin sa isa't isa. I scoffed. It's not like we haven't been this close.
"Kalix, I want to ask you something."
"Sure, I know everything." He said. And I guess that's true. Kalix knows everything about Kagan, and he takes pride in it. I formulated a question inside my head. For sure, there is a connection between Kagan and Kalix. That will be the first question I will ask Kalix about it.
"What is the connection between you and Kagan?" Kalix crossed his arms and leaned on the chair.
"What are you going to give me if I answered it?" Tumingin ako sa aking paligid kung ano ang pwede kong ibigay sa kanya. That's tricky. And then my gaze dropped on the buns.
"I'll make you a burger." Lumawak ang ngiti ni Kalix nang sambitin ko iyon.
"You really know my weakness! You promise?" That again. That child voice in him. Tumango ako sa kanya.
"I promise. I'll make your burger after this."
"Fine. I'll answer now. Our connection is way underneath. Kagan is weak. He couldn't handle such difficult situation by himself. He doesn't want to get hurt, Avi. That's the reason why Kagan forgot about it, forgot about me. He doesn't want to remember because it hurts." He said as a matter of fact.
"But Kalix, he told me that he started remembering."
"Hmm, only when he started talking with Dr. Clarke. Good thing he's already aware of me." He said pensively. Feeling glad that Kagan finally recognized him.
"So our connection is that for every moment Kagan is hurt, he removed himself from it. And guess what? He gives all that pain to me. Kagan is not a complete person, Avi. Without me, he's incomplete." I cover my hands on my mouth. I was shocked at how straightforward Kalix is. But then, the first time Kalix and I met, he was direct and outgoing.
"When did this happen, Kalix? Where does it begin?" He looked down, a little troubled.
"I'm not going to tell you, Avi. Because it was such a dark and dangerous place. For sure, Kagan doesn't want me to tell you, too." I blew off some air. Standing up from my seat, I went to the table and started preparing him the burger that I had promised.
"You don't mind cold beef patties, Kalix?"
"It's okay. I'm not picky." Naglakad ito palapit sa aking habang hinahanda ko ang burger. I put on the lettuce, the patty, and some tomatoes and pickles. I put the ranch dressing on it as I put the other buns on top.
"Here." Kinuha niya iyon at kumagat ng isang malaki sa burger niya.
"Hindi mo ba sasabihin sa akin kung sino 'yung lalaki kanina?" Sumandal ako sa pader habang nakatingin kay Kalix na masayang kumain ng burger.
"Ex-boyfriend?" When he me asked that, I laugh a little. Natatawa na lang ako dahil parang ilang ulit na tinanong ito sa akin. First is Kagan, next is Klaude, and now Kalix? I scoff.
"No. Just someone from the past." I was shocked to myself when I felt nothing when I was reminded of Liam. Parang dati sa tuwing naalala ko ito ay para na akong pagpapawisan sa gabi. Maybe both of us felt like we needed just to let our feelings known, but we were not expecting anything from it. Is this what halmeoni meant about detachment? Halmeoni is such a real deal!
"Anyway, Kalix are you telling me that during Kagan's difficult times you were there?" Mabilis niyang naubos ang burger na ginawa ko para sa kanya.
"Yes. I was with him." I followed his actions toward the cooler. Kumuha siya doon ng beer-in-can at binuksan ito. Is it possible that Kagan suffered traumatic events? By just imagining, how can a lost child survive on his own?
"I'm really looking for a cold beer since morning." He chugged the beer draining half. Pinagmasdan ko lang ito sa ginagawa niya. Isa pa ring palaisipan kung paano lumalabas si Kalix. In his case, there must be a trigger. Is it possible that Kalix will come out if his help is needed?
"Hello there!" Bati ni Nadia sa amin. They are now still wet by sea water. When Klaude noticed that Kagan is starting to drink, he already got the idea that it was Kalix. Napatingin sa akin si Klaude na nagtatanong pero nag kibit balikat na lang ako.
"We'll just take a bath, and then we will start to create a bonfire in the seashore," Dan muttered, assisting her girlfriend inside. Sa likuran ni Klaude ay magkasama si Lovely at Liam. Both looked like they talked too. Lovely smiled at me when our eyes met, and I smiled back at her: no bitterness or whatsoever.
"I'll go too. Sinisimulan na rin akong lamigin." Pru said, waving her hands. And then she entered inside. Following Liam and Lovely. They are probably going to the room that they will be using.
Ang naiwan lang sa cottage ay ako, si Kagan na umiinom na ng pangalawang lata ng beer, at si Klaude.
"Kalix, you must be drinking a lot," Klaude said, turning to Kalix.
"Hey, Kagan's brother. Two beers are not even a lot." Napakamot na lang ako sa aking pisngi habang tinitingnan silang dalawa na naguusap. I grabbed a clean towel folded in the bench and throw it to Klaude's side. Agad naman niya itong nasalo, habang tinutuyo ang kanyang mukha at buhok.
"So, how is it to date someone with a dual personality?" Tanong ni Klaude sa akin habang tinutuyo ang buhok niya gamit ng tuwalya na ibinigay ko. I stopped myself from thinking and just look at Kalix still drinking a cold beer in his hand.
"Why don't you take a bath first, Klaude? You smelled like salt water." I wrinkled my nose, acting as if his smell bothered me.
"Of course, I just came out from the sea. What do you expect?"
"Go inside, Klaude. I'll talk to you later." Sabi ko sa kanya, akmang tinataboy ito. He grins at me. I was thinking if I was going to tell Klaude the truth. I don't think lying to him is a good idea. I value Klaude as a dear friend of mine. He has been a great help to me, too. If he didn't save my ass in the bread shop that time, I guess I'm still living a repetitive and boring life.
"Fine! Iwan ko muna kayong dalawa dyan." With a final nod, he left the cottage. Naiwan kaming dalawa ni Kalix sa labas. Ngayon ay nakahiga na siya sa chaise lounge chair sa may gilid ng pool. He was lying there, eyes close. Is he sleeping? I think his body is tired from all the swimming, plus he just take two cans of beer. How can he able to keep up with all these things happening to him? Having a dual personality must be hard, yet Kagan embraces it with all his might. Getting another clean sheets of towel on the bench, I carefully walk to where he is lying and put the towels to cover his body. Naupo ako sa tabing chaise lounges chair at tumingin lang kay Kagan. Even Kalix is the one present, it's still Kagan's body. Talaga bang hinanap niya ako nang hindi niya ako nakitang nakaupo sa buhanginan? Don't tell me he was worried about me? That idea made me smile. Pero pagkatapos ng bakasyon na ito ay babalik ang buhay namin sa dati. I will still work as an employee in his studio and accompany him during his sessions in the hospital.
One hour had passed when others started to go downstairs. Nakahiga pa rin si Kagan habang nakapikit. I think he's really sleeping. But when they started to go into the pool area, that's when he opened his eyes and sat down on the chaise lounges.
"I'll now prepare the bonfire. My baby wants to roast marshmallows." Dan said, getting a butane can burner. Nadia looked flushed.
"I'll go with you. Hanap na rin ako ng mga kahoy." Liam said.
"Sure." Dan and Liam left.
"Why am I asleep?" Napatingin si Kagan sa kaliwang kamay. Napatingin ito sa akin na parang nagtatanong.
"Did he take over again?" He asked. I nod. I started feeling bad about Kagan. He slept as Kalix. He woke up as Kagan. How complicated is that? Klaude, with the same grin on his face, walked to our place. Nakasuot na ito ng puting polo at walking short.
"Kaliii..." Klaude's voice stopped midair when he realized that his twin was no longer Kalix but Kagan himself. He cleared his throat.
"Kagan, hey. After drinking two bottles of beer, you knocked out." He said, laughing.
"I drank?" Baling niya naman sa akin. Napatango ako ulit at pinakita ang dalawang lata na nakalagay sa may gilid. I heard him cursed in his breath. Standing up from my seat, I get the two cans and throw them in the bin.
"Hey, brother mine, why don't we helped the other boys making a bonfire?" Inakbayan ni Klaude si Kagan na ngayon ay nakasimangot na ang mukha. How cute. He looked adorable with a pouted lips. Wala ng nagawa si Kagan nang hilahin na siya ni Klaude papalayo.
Naiwan kaming mga kababaihan dito sa cottage.
"I'm still confused between Klaude and Kagan. I've been with Klaude since we were kids, but when Kagan appeared, the two of them started to confuse me." Nadia commented while putting the marshmallows on the stick. Tumulong naman ako sa kanilang ginagawa.
"Looked like your boyfriend is badly smitten over you, Avian." Panimula ni Lovely. Her hair is tied up in a messy bun.
"Kagan? Really?"
"Hindi mo ba napapansin, Avi? Nakatingin lang sa'yo si Kagan sa tuwing hindi ka nakatingin sa kanya." Pru added. I frowned.
"I see. Well, I guess Kagan really adored me that much." I started formulating a lie. Kagan and I were acting to be in love. Kagan must really fooled these girls out. His acting is top-notch. I'm going to give him credit for that.
"You two are already in a relationship, yet Kagan looked like he was still courting you, Avi. I didn't know that Kagan Grimaldi had a sweet side in him. Looking at you without you knowing." Nadia said. I can't wait to finish putting these marshmallows on sticks and leave so they won't tease me again with Kagan. I was thankful when Klaude returned, telling us the bonfire was already set. Nakahinga ako nang maayos. Naunang umalis si Nadia at Lovely na hawak ang plato na puno ng marshmallows. Habang tinulungan ko naman si Klaude na dalhin ang cooler na may laman na beers at soft drinks.
"You've been talking all day with Kagan, Avi," Klaude said on my side. Tumingin ako sa kanya.
"Are we?" I asked innocently.
"The two of you kept on whispering all day to yourselves." I almost laugh. Even Klaude noticed that, too? Sabagay, kanina ay parang hindi na kami mapaghiwalay ni Kagan.
"I'll tell you something, Klaude. I think Kagan came from a very bad place. Brace yourself because figuring him out is not going to be pretty."
"Matagal ko nang hinanda ang sarili ko, Avi. Did Kagan already tell you about his story?" There is hope in his voice but his expression sunk when I shake my head.
"I don't think he will tell anyone anytime soon, Klaude."
"Kahit girlfriend ka ng kapatid ko?" Nagtaasan ang balahibo ko dahil sa tanong ni Klaude.
"Even if I am his girlfriend, Klaude. He is not obligated to tell me about what happened to him. What matters to me is who he is now." Mula sa pwesto namin ay nakita ko si Kagan na naglalagay ng mga malilit na sanga ng puno sa apoy.
"You two are so alike." He tsked. We put the cooler on the side, which is accessible to everyone. Binuksan ni Klaude ang takip at kumuha ng soft drinks sa loob. He was about to give me one can of soft drink when I pulled out a beer.
"I'll drink today. My day has been stressful. I need a cold beer." It's now my turn to stick my tongue out to Klaude. He can't drink beverages since he's on medication. Para sa puso niya.
Five minutes later, I found myself in front of the bonfire. Nakapalibot kami dito habang nakaupo sa buhangin. We're not too close to the fire, just enough to give us warmth. Katabi ko si Pru sa aking kanan habang si Kagan naman sa aking kaliwa. We're all holding a beer in our hands, except Klaude who has been drinking soda.
"Did you two already talk?" Kagan suddenly leaned forward to me to whisper. I can feel his hot breath on my ears. Tumango ako sa kanya. Pakiramdam ko ay panaginip lang ang lahat ng nangyari.
"That explains why you're no longer tensed up, Avi."
"Am I tensed up?" This time, I was the one who brought my lips to his ears to whisper back.
"Yes. All day." I pursed my lips when he said that.
"How was it?"
"It was fine, I think. We have already sorted out things. I never knew that I needed that closure to be fine." My mind started to play tricks on me when I thought Kagan smiled at my side sweetly. I don't know if he really smiled or not. Either way, he looked so handsome. And maybe that night was the first time I let myself enjoy the moment.
"Thank you, Kagan," I said sincerely. My heart is filled with gratitude.
Kinabukasan ay nagsimula na kaming magayos ng aming mga gamit. We're going back to the city and face the reality. We actually woke up late since we slept late at night. I had only drunk three cans of beer, and when I felt a little tipsy, I stopped. Pru and I shared the room while the twins shared the room beside us. It's not like I want to spend the night with Kagan. Kagan looked like he was fine with him sharing a room with his brother. Nadia and Dan spend the night together. Of course, Liam and Lovely too. Since they are the the real couple.
Naglakad ako papunta kung saan nakapark ang SUV. Mula sa malayo ay nakikita ko na nagaayos sila ng mga gamit.
"Avian!" Someone called from behind. It was Liam. Nagtataka naman ako kung bakit niya ako tinawag. Nang matapos namin magusap kagabi ay hindi na iyong nasundan. Wala na rin naman kaming paguusapan dahil parang nasabi na namin ang gusto namin sabihin sa isa't isa. But now he's calling me, as if he's telling me to stop from walking. So I did. Hinintay ko siyang makalapit sa pwesto ko.
"It's nice seeing you again all these years. See you in our hometown Avi." He extended his arms to me. Napatingin ako sa kanyang kamay. Without hesitation, I accepted his handshake.
"And maybe, just maybe I can finally look at you and smile sincerely, Liam. Is this our end?" When he let go of my hands, he answered.
"Yes." It stung a little bit, but this time it was bearable.
"Goodbye, Liam."
"Goodbye, Avian. Good luck with your journey in life." Yes, I will continue this journey without him. I turned my heels away and continued to where the SUV was parked. Naabutan ko doon si Kagan na nakatingin sa akin. I smiled at him, but he frowned when he noticed I was talking with Liam.
"Wala na ba kayong nakalimutan?" Dan asked, putting our things on the back of the SUV.
"Mukhang wala naman." Pru answered. Pumasok na ako sa loob sa ng SUV at pumwesto ulit sa pinaka dulo. Kagan sat besides me again yet we didn't talk the whole ride. During the trip, my attention was only focused on the road. I almost had a stiff neck for not looking at Kagan's side.
I felt a little down. I don't know why. Is it because we are now back to the reality? Kagan and I will now stop acting as a couple? Napailing ako. It's not like I really wanted to be with Kagan. But surprisingly, as it may sound, Kagan is quite dependable.
The car ride lasted for four hours when it stopped on the campus. Doon na kami bumaba nila Pru. While Nadia told me that she's going to spend the night with Dan, so I'll be the only one staying at the dorm. Hinintay namin dumating ang sundo ni Pru. And when she got inside an expensive black car, that's when Klaude excused himself, saying he'll get his car in the parking lot. Naiwan kaming dalawa ni Kagan sa may waiting shed. Parehas lang kaming hindi nagsasalita na dalawa. I suddenly felt awkward around Kagan. Last night was a dream. I didn't even know if it ever happened. It was surreal.
"Uhm," I cleared my throat.
"Thank you so much, Kagan, for everything you've done for me. You're so good at pretending, Kagan. Lahat sila ay napaniwala natin. I'll probably go and make a story about the reason why we break up." It was supposed to be a joke, but Kagan only narrowed his eyes at me like he didn't like what he was hearing.
"What if I tell you that I am not pretending?" He boldly said. Para akong malalagutan ng hininga dahil sa sinabi niya.
"Kagan?" I called his name, asking him if he was serious. He suddenly looked away.
"Nevermind." Biglang bawi nito.
"Okay. I'll go now." I repeated. When I turned my heels to go inside the dormitory, I don't know why I suddenly felt disappointed with his reply. Don't tell me I was expecting something from Kagan? If I am feeling disappointed, it only means that I already expected something, yet it didn't happen.
I thought that when Liam and I talked, there would no longer be a pain in my heart. But the pain inside my chest is starting to grow again. But this time, it's not about Emma or Liam. It's because of Kagan.
***