CHAPTER 26 | Life |
TW: Depression
“Thalia, wake up! We need to study!” Agad akong naalimpungatan nang marinig ang nag-iingay kong alarm clock. Umayos ako sa pagkakaupo at ininat ang braso. Nasagi ko pa ang ballpen kaya nahulog sa sahig.
Inaantok pa ako kaya tiningnan ko lang muna iyon. Thirty minutes of nap is so kulang!
Tamad akong napatingin sa ’king study table. Bukas ang laptop at nagkalat ang kung ano-anong papel sa mesa at sahig. Meron ring balat ng mga chips na hindi ko pa natatapon. It’s so messy!
Napabuntonghininga ako sabay pulot ng ballpen ko. Tamad akong tumayo at pumunta sa kitchen para uminom ng tubig. Alas dose na ng umaga pero hindi pa rin ako tapos sa quota kung saan ako dapat umabot sa thesis ko ngayon.
One hour, dapat matapos ko ’to ng one hour.
Nilagok ko ang tubig sa baso at saglit na nag-stretching para hind na ’ko antokin. Pagbalik ko sa study table ay hinarap ko na naman ang laptop.
After an hour of typing and finding credible sources, I’m finally done with my quota for today. I stretched my arms habang humihikab, I then removed my eye glasses. Napatingin nga lang ako sa picture frame na nasa mataas na gilid ng study table ko.
I paused and think of it again. It was my graduation photo during Senior High. Mag-isa lang ako sa picture habang may suot na toga, nakangiti ako pero hindi iyon umabot sa mga mata ko.
Years ago, after losing someone that is dearest to me. It feels like I lost the other part of me. It feels like life isn’t complete anymore, gano’n pa rin naman ngayon.
I felt a sting of pain on my chest kaya iniwas ko ang tingin sa picture. Why did I even put it here? Every time I see this, it reminds me of the painful thought that I marched on that stage to recieve my dimploma without my mother.
Nainis ako sa sarili kaya itinalikod ko ang frame. I sighed and clean up my mess, pagkatapos ay dumeritso na ’ko sa kwarto para matulog. Mabuti na lang at hapon pa ang klase ko.
I can’t believe I still felt empty. Everything happened six years ago pero parang paulit-ulit lang ang cycle ng buhay ko. For the past six years, I’ve been independent and alone. And I stayed being like this, kasi nasanay na ako.
Kahit sa thesis na pwede namang by pair, pinili ko pa ring mag-individual. I don't know, I am being used of distancing myself to others. Yeah it’s sad and alone, but I prefer to stay like this.
I have other circle of friends but I really enjoy my time alone. I prefer not to have someone to stick on my business for a very one reason, no one will understand me.
No one will understand me except for myself so I better have only myself. I chose to be aloof, I chose self-priority, I chose to stay private. That’s what I am for the past six years, I focused on myself cause it feels like it’s so exhausting to share your life with other people. Or maybe it’s not really my choice, things just happened after the tragedy, I mindlessly walk on this path, nasanay ako kaya ipinagpatuloy ko na lang.
Dati na ’kong introvert, ngayon mas lumala iyon. Kung dati I’m trying to excercise it, now I prefer not to do anything but to be just as this. Silent and private.
Six years ago, I finished my Senior High with latin honors. I worked hard for it kahit na hindi naman talaga iyon ang goal ko. My goal was to plainly graduate With Honor. But I want my mother to be proud of me on the after life kaya ibinuhos ko lahat doon. Studying became my cooping mechanism, I studied hard. . . day and night that I even lost my interest on the other things I enjoyed, one of it is hanging out with my friends.
I busied myself in studying. I aced our research and final defense, I perfected my examination scores, I became active in recitation. . . and even have the chance to join a research conference out of our town. I busied myself so much that I lose my time on the people that sorrounds me.
After I graduated Senior High, I left Lusiento. I studied here in Manila to pursue psychology. Kaya lang, first year pa lang hindi ko na kinaya.
I’m missing all the people I left and those who left me. Araw-araw, parang ang hirap bumangon. Araw-araw, tinatamad ako sa lahat. I lost my interest. I took up psychology because it’s my dream but it feels like the sparkle and magic dust on my dream was lost.
I was diagnosed with. . . depression. Mas lalong hindi nakatulong ang lahat. The first year I’m here, my cousin Zion stayed with me. He witnessed many times how I attempted to just lose everything, including myself. He’s been my crying shoulder every time I broke down. He always hugs me and assures me of his love when times are dark and rough.
I’ve got insomnia because of my depression. Kaya kapag gabi, kulang na lang hindi matulog si Zion para bantayan ako.
Malikot ang isipan ko, I’m okay at this minute and in the next minute, I’m crying crazily asking myself where did everything starts to go wrong? I have a lot of regrets. I’m not doing good in my dream University. I’m missing my friends. I’m having a heartbreak. I lost my mother. The weather is not in favor of me! Everything feels like a downfall!
Hindi na ’ko nag-react nang bumagsak ako first sem pa lang. My father told me to just rest so, I did. Tumigil ako sa pag-aaral pero parang hindi nakatulong. I’m not busy, at mas marami akong time para mag-break down.
I took medications and some counciling. Zion was with me at those times. The therapist told me to open up to others, to try having fun. I did, pinakilala ako ni Zion sa mga kaibigan niya. They were all nice and fun to be with, ilang beses din akong nakapunta sa apartment nila which is supposedly doon nakatira si Zion pero dahil bago lang ako sa Manila at kailangan ko ng kasama sa condo unit ko, Zion chose to stay with me.
Zion has a huge circle of friends! It’s fun to be with them, they are all outgoing and socialites. Some of them are intimidating and some are friendly, I joined their outing twice and I never felt out of place because they are so good at conversing. They are sensitive of me, maybe because Zion told them I’m having a hard time facing everything.
Kaya lang, they are so loud. I prefer to stay silent, close the door and sit on a dark place. So trying to have fun with new people didn’t work out for me.
Dr. Marhea Del Fien, my psychiatrist who is also Trinity’s mother— Zion’s friend. She told me to find hobbies that will occupy my time. And I remember writing, for the first time in a long time. . . my heart swelled for excitement. I remember my young heart, how I love to do it so much!
So, I created a writing account. I hid my identity in the words of my story under the pseudonym, Luxury.
I know the name was so lame for a writer! I didn’t think about it that much when I made my writing account. Excited akong mag-log in kaya kung ano na lang naisip ko.
Luxury because my name was after a luxury brand. Channel.
Later on, I learned to love the pen name I created for myself. Luxury. It literally scream elegance, but more than that. . . it reminds me of a woman’s worth. That me, you, a woman is a luxury that should be taken care of.
I find a means to express myself, to talk about my heartaches and experiences. I find something that will freely express my thoughts with just me sitting alone in a dark room.
Writing took my time and needless to say, it somehow healed me. Kung hindi ko kayang mag-open up sa ibang tao, sa pagsusulat ko nagagawa. I don’t have to be contious and intimidated, I don’t have the thought that no one will understand me because as a writer, I am the one creating the tone. I am being heard, I am being understood by my readers.
I didn’t expect my writing will click to the readers. Natuwa na ’ko na may lima o sampung nagbabasa ng story ko pero isang araw, nagulat na lang ako nang biglang sumabog ang notification ko sa mga writing accounts.
A famous content creator recommended my stories and everyone got curious of it! Lalo na nang nalaman nila that I didn’t reveal my face and indentity. No one knows, si Zion lang ang nakakaalam na nagsusulat ako gamit ang pen name na iyon.
From hundreds of followers, it became thousands in just a span of a week! That made me one of the fastest growing followed writer. It’s so overwhelming and impossible.
Noong una natakot ako, everyone seemed curious of me. Everyone is asking for a face reveal but later on, they realized how to respect my decision of hiding my identity.
I got scared. I want writing so bad and it’s a safe space of mine. I want it cause it’s silent. But now that followers are growing so fast, hindi ko alam ang gagawin. I not ready for it because I didn’t expect this.
My followers are growing. But I want writing so bad. So I chose to stay low-key para maipagpatuloy ko pa rin ang pagsusulat. I read a few comments and it's so heart swelling reading how they appreciate me and my characters.
Writing helped me to keep going so I’m going to keep it.
I once share how writing heals me to my readers and it’s so over whelming to hear their positive responses.
I slowly, slowly got back on my feet and track. My magic dust for Psychology came back! After two school years of not attending school, I finally have the courage to attend school again. The feeling of wanting to wear a white uniform get back. The spark, sparkled again.
The depression, is still here. . . I’m still working on it. I still have breakdowns from time to time but not that very often. It happened at least once every two months. Slowly, slowly I’m healing.
But I still chose to console myself in a dark and alone place. I was so used to it for the past years that I learned to love it.
Noong mag-Second Year ako, umalis na si Zion sa condo. It’s sad but I know he has his life also. And he better get back to his friend's condo.
I still have communication with Seri, Chloe, and othes from time to time. Hindi nga lang gano’n kadalas kasi may sari-sarili na rin kaming mga buhay. Rio, Klint, and I chatted last year para magkamustahan. The only person I don’t reconnected with is. . . Yijin.
Six years, I know our conversation on that ugly cold rain was so bad and heartbreaking. Pero six years na ’yon! I have other problems so I didn’t have the time to think about it and him.
I have my new accounts now, at everytime na dumadaan ang pangalan niya para sa friend suggestion, hindi ko kayang pindotin. Hindi ko kayang tingnan kahit picture man lang niya.
I’m sure I moved on, six years na. Six years is long enough. I’m sure he has a life as well. We ended our friendship bad and there's no use of fixing it. Kaya, kinalimutan ko na si Yijin na parang wala lang talaga ’yung mga nangyari noong bata pa ako. That was just minor moments. Though, he’s still part of my story.
I don’t have much experience in love kaya somehow. . . sa experience ko na iyon with Yijin hinuhugot lahat ng sinusulat ko.
It’s funny how I’m head over heel for him. Nakakatawa kasi ang tanga ko at assuming pala before.
Okay naman na ako ngayon. I didn’t see him for the past six years lalo na’t malayo ako sa Lusiento kaya okay na ako. But Yijin was my last heartbreak from someone I loved that way. He’s my first love.
I don’t know, my young heart was bruised and problems piled up, I became busy making and finding my life that love. . . interest me no more. Maraming guwapo sa UST, lalo na ’yung mga naka-puti. Pero hanggang tingin lang ako, hindi interesado magka-love life. Merong mga nagpapahiwatig, but I’ll immediately turn them down. Nakakatamad kasi mag-entertain ng tao.
Sometimes, I day dreamed what it feels like to be love by someone you love also. Just like in novels. But, love isn’t really for me. My young heart was bruised that love didn't appear that magical to me now.
I’m a one worst case of wanted but never pursuid.
But it’s okay. Six years na at mga bata pa kami noon. Everyone surely moved on, including me!
Kinabukasan ay alas dyes pa lang nagising na ako. I have the time to clean my condo kaya sinipagan ko na. Minsan ko lang nagagawa kaya inayos ko na, I’m wiping the pile of boxes made of bamboo, apat na boxes ang nakapatong sa organizer, mas matangkad pa sa ’kin kaya kailangan kong pumatong sa upuan para maabot iyon.
I remember to call Papa later, he invited me to have dinner at hindi pa ako nakakapag-reply. Pupunta na lang siguro ako sa weekend doon.
Pagkatapos maglinis ay naligo muna ako bago nagluto ng lunch. I prepared everything for my class, including my laptop. May presentation kasi kami ngayon.
I wore a black fitted skirt jumper with a white long sleeve inside. I bunned my hair and partner my outfit with a white sneakers.
Malapit lang ang condo ko sa UST, pwedeng lakarin pero tinatamad ako ngayon. Sumakay lang ako ng jeep at bumaba sa University. UST’s main building never failed to amazed me, it’s standing so proud. The design of this building is really amazing and intricate.
“Thalia, ready ka na ba for the presentation?” Ngumiti ako kay Lara at tumango. I proceeded to my chair, sinundan naman niya ako.
“Hay naku! Ewan ko na kung ano ang gagawin ko! Bakit ba kasi ako nag-Psych,” umiiling na aniya. Namumutla na siya at kinakabahan. “Favorite ko kasi ’yung white saka clout chaser kasi ako,” she murmured.
“Ano ka ba? Kung kailan ka na graduating ngayon mo pa ’yan tinatanong? natatawa kong ani.
“Ay, iba rin kasi confident mo ’no?” aniya na inilingan ko lang.
“Thalia, mamigay ka ng brain cells mo please,” sigaw ni Princess na
tinawanan ko lang.
“Paano ba ipasa?” I joked. Natahimik lang kami nang pumasok na ang proof namin. Sunod na period pa ang presentation pero kinakabahan na sila ngayon pa lang. Strict din kasi si Prof.
Pagkatapos ng klase na iyon ay lumipat na kami sa auditorium para sa presentation. Akala ko, kami-kami lang. . . I didn’t expect the crowd. May manonood din pala mula sa tagakabilang section at ibang department.
I’m nervous but I manage to pull myself, ilang beses ng na-delay itong presentation at ngayon matutuloy na talaga.
Gratefully, my presentation went so well that I received a loud applause from the audience. A panel complimented me about my style of presentation and my confidence boost.
“Uy, may nanghihingi ng number mo!” Napatingin ako kay Lara nang bigla niyang ibulong iyon. Naglalakad na kami sa labas, katatapos lang bumili ng snack.
“Huh?” lito kong ani. She giggled and beam at me.
“May naligaw na taga-Engineering department kanina sa presentation, he’s asking for your number. Gwapo ’yon kaya bigyan mo ng number mo,” ani Lara. Napailing naman ako.
“Sabihin mo, wala akong cellphone.” Agad naman siyang sumimangot.
“Gaga ka talaga!” Naputol ang usapan namin nang may biglang tumawag. I excused myself from Lara and faked a cough before answering the call nang makita kong mula sa publishing house ang tumatawag.
“Hi po Ma'am, good day,” I greeted formally.
“Hi, Ms. Lastimosa. I just want to inform you about the printing, tapos na ang printing and we’re waiting for you when to sign the books. I sent details in your email, just check it there and reply for your responses. We can schedule a meeting as well if you want.” My eyes widened, excitement filled me.
“Thank you po, I’ll immediately check my email and send my response po.”
“Okay, great!”
“Thank you po,” I said before she dropped the call. Napangiti ako, I can’t believe I’m going to have my novel in physical copy!