Chapter 37
Avian Burn's Point of View
Liam Cane looked mature over time. Kung dati ay madalas itong ngumiti sa lahat ng nakikita niya ngunit ngayon ay iba na. This time, his vibes are different. There's seriousness in his eyes, and he only pressed his lips into a thin line. We haven't seen each other for a long time, of course, he will change. I thought I knew Liam back then, but now I don't know anymore.
The first thing I did was grab Kagan's hand and put it on my waistline. When Kagan looked at me, I pleaded using my eyes.
Play along, please.
Kagan made a confused look. Asking me what game I'm playing at. Tumingin ako sa kanya na parang sinasabi na mageexplain ako sa kanya mamaya. I just want him to save me from this humiliation.
When he could catch up, I was shocked when Kagan pulled me near him. I almost hit my head on his sturdy chest.
"I'm the boyfriend," Kagan said with a straight face. Liam suddenly extended his hands to Kagan, asking for a handshake.
I think this was the most awkward moment that I've ever had. All eyes focus on us. Even Lovely— Liam's girlfriend looked alert. I hate being in the spotlight. I guess Kagan too. That's why Kagan hurriedly extended his arms and gave Liam's hand a light squeeze before turning to me.
"Nakakaramdam ka pa rin ba ng pagod, baby? Do you still want to rest?" I bet Klaude's mouth hanged opened when his twin brother just touched my jaw and lifted it a little so our eyes met. My face flushed when he called me baby. Parang gusto ko na lang magpakain sa lupa dahil dito. Ramdam na ramdam ako ang paginit ng aking pisngi dahil sa paglapit ng katawan ni Kagan sa akin.
Hanggang ngayon ay nakahawak pa rin ang isang kamay niya sa aking bewang. I thought I was talking to Kalix for that moment but he's still Kagan. Kalix is naturally born flirt yet Kagan looked more reserve.
"Hey Mercedes, do you have an empty room here? Can I use one? My girlfriend is still tired from the long ride, she needs to rest." Baling niya kay Dan na ngayon ay nagugulat na rin sa nakikita niya.
Dan put his hands in his jeans pocket and got a key. He throws the keys to Kagan's place, and Kagan quickly catches it.
"Second floor, the first room on the left. You and Avi can use it." Dan eyes blink.
"Thanks." Kagan said as he ushered me to follow him. He was still holding my waistline and I was leaning on his chest. Kahit nang umalis kami sa kusina ay ramdam ko na nakatingin pa rin sila sa papalayo naming katawan. I was tempted to look back at Liam but Kagan doesn't let me have the opportunity to look back. At nang makarating kaming dalawa sa kwarto na tinutukoy ni Dan sa second floor ay parehas kaming lumayo ni Kagan sa isa't isa.
Kagan and I just made a show in front of everyone. Sana ay hindi nila kami mahalata. Lalo na at ilang beses kong itinanggi sa kanila na hindi ko boyfriend si Kagan. If ever they will ask me, I think I'll just make something up so they won't be suspicious of us.
The room is spacious and complete. Nang inilibot ko ang paningin ko ay parang nasa hotel lang ako. My feet still feel shaky so I've just decided to sit on the corner of the bed. While Kagan opened the sliding door, going out in the balcony. When a good amount of minutes passed by, I followed Kagan in the balcony. Kapag tumingin ka sa baba ay pool na agad ang makikita mo at kapag tumingin naman sa harapan ay ang malaking dagat ang sasalubong saiyo.
"So, you won't ask me why I did that?" May halong kaba ang boses ko. I watched Kagan lean forward on the railings. His hair flew because of the wind coming from the sea. Kagan didn't bother fixing his hair. Pero ayos lang dahil bumagay naman sa kanya ang magulo niyang buhok. He was probably one of the few men who can rock any hairstyle.
"Will you tell it to me? If you're uncomfortable, then you don't have to." I stared at Kagan for the longest time. Is he for real? Is he going to let this go without asking me why I told everyone he is my boyfriend? Or Kagan is not that interested in my story.
"I will. Just ask me, Kagan. Kasi hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula kung kusa ko na lang itong sabihin sa'yo. I think that's the least I can do. Thank you for saving my face earlier." Dahil kung hindi niya ginawa iyon ay baka mas doble ang kahihiyan na aabutin ko. I think I know the reason why I did that. Liam had already moved on from his life. He even got himself a brand new girlfriend. While I'm here still stuck in the past with the growing what ifs in my mind. Maybe, I'm a little pissed at him. How could he easily forget about Emma?
"Ex-boyfriend?" He asks. I close my eyes, trying to imagine what face Kagan would make if I said yes, but this is not the time to tell him a lie.
"No. Liam is not my ex-boyfriend. He was my classmate from middle school to high school. He was... my first love, but I didn't tell him my feelings back then." There, I said. Parang nabunutan ako ng tinik sa aking lalamunan.
"I see."
"I'm so sorry for doing that, Kagan. Alam kong hindi ko dapat ito ginawa. I just don't want to..." bigla akong napatungo at tumingin sa kamay ko na nakahawak sa railings.
"Look pitiful in his eyes. It's not like I am conscious of how he will think of me, but.." I added, stumbling with words. From my peripheral vision, I saw how Kagan lifted one eyebrow. I saw Kagan study my face briefly, and his face turned serious. I am conscious of what Liam will think of me. I started tapping my forefinger on the railings when Kagan didn't speak.
"Do you still like him?" He sounded a little off. Napatigil ako sa ginagawa ko sa aking daliri at napaharap kay Kagan. I tried opening my mouth but close it again when there's no words comes from it.
"If only my issues were as trivial as that, Kagan," I said, panicking inside. Sana ganon na lang kadali ang lahat. But my relationship with Liam was deeper than that. It tied down to what I did to Emma. It was complicated and complex. Seeing him right now, in this place, only worsened my emotions. It is as if all the wounds I buried in the past years resurfaced.
Calm down, Avi. Kagan should not know what kind of girl I am. I close my eyes again, imagining Kagan's disappointed face if he finally knows what I did to Emma. I let her die alone in that cold, vast sea. If I had asked for help, then maybe she could have been saved. No, that's not it. If I didn't go there in the first place, then nothing will happened to her. If I was just courageous enough to tell her what I was feeling in the playground, then maybe, just maybe, she's still alive.
My hands started to tremble in fear, and I swear Kagan noticed it. Even if I turned my hands into a fist, the shaking doesn't stop. It always happened whenever I was reminded of Emma. My lips quivered as my tears started to block my vision.
"Kagan, I am... a bad person." Naiiyak na sabi ko. And just like that, I let my tears started to roll down my cheeks. He must be the second person who saw me crying. I must be out of my mind when I started breaking down in front of Kagan. I am feeling everything at once, so maybe that's the reason why I couldn't pretend that I was okay.
Ang hindi ko lang inaasahan ay hinawakan ni Kagan ang ulo ko gamit ang kaliwang kamay niya at inilapit sa kanya. Now, my head is resting between his neck and his left shoulder. Nakahawak pa rin ang kamay niya sa aking ulo habang hinayaan ko na lang ang mga luha na tumulo sa aking mata. We stayed in that position for as long as I can remember. But what I like about him is when he kept on caressing my head without speaking a word. I used to cry in the bathroom alone, look at me now, crying at Kagan's shoulders. Making myself vulnerable in front of a man.
"I," I snuffle my breath.
"Did something horrible, Kagan. Is hell really this painful?" I felt him stiffen from his place. I don't understand why I can be able to tell all these things to Kagan. After all, I was just an employee at his art studio. I witnessed how he shifted his personality from time to time. I met his other self, Kalix. And now, we are entangled in this situation.
"Seeing him again must triggered all the pain you buried from your past." I nodded my head, even though I couldn't see his face. Nang tumigil na ang mga luha ko ay tinanggal ko ang pagkasandal sa kanya. He easily looked away from me. But somehow, I felt relieved. Crying for such a long time in his arms is calming. There's warmth in there. Parang nailabas ko na ang lahat kahit hindi ko sinasabi sa kanya ang buong detalye.
"I'm sorry, Kagan. Dahil sa akin, nabasa ko ang damit mo." I cried a lot. It was evident in his shirt. My face suddenly felt sticky from all the crying. I felt bad for ruining his outfit.
"They're just clothes, Avi. I can change later." I sigh in relief. Kagan sounded that the wetness coming from his clothes didn't bother him.
"Why I can't stop myself from saying sorry to you?" Bulong ko sa aking sarili. I've been saying sorry to him many times now.
"You told me to look ahead, Avi. To survive each day, it doesn't matter how, but we should keep going." I looked at him, confused, when he reminded me of what I had told him. His tone is still soft. I noticed his tone was only soft when talking to me.
"What's your point, Kagan?"
"Use me, then." It's not my turn to stiffen from my place. Kagan stared at me like I was a painting that needed to be retouched.
"To your heart's extent," I swear my heart just skipped a beat. I should schedule an overall check-up with the doctor. I think there's something wrong with my heart. Umayos ito ng pagkatayo at humarap sa akin.
"I can act as your boyfriend, Avi. If that will make you feel better." I gulped when Kagan reach for my hair and tucked them into the back of my ears. Napaawang ang labi ko dahil sa ginawa niya at ramdam ko na nagtaasan ang balahibo ko sa aking batok ng magtama ang daliri niya sa pisngi ko.
"Kagan, are you serious?" I couldn't believe it. I saw how he nodded his head. For sure, my reaction went straight up from disbelieving.
"When did I bluff, Avi?" He curved his lips.
"But you can't gain anything on this, Kagan. Why are you helping me?" Kahit balikbaliktarin ko ang utak ko ay wala akong maisip na magandang makukuha niya dito.
"That's what you thought." He whispered, but I couldn't understand him because the sound of the waves coming from the sea took off. Magtatanong pa sana ako kay Kagan ng napansin kong may tinitingnan ito sa may gilid ko. I was about to turn my head to see where Kagan was looking when he caught my head, cupping my cheeks. It stopped me from looking at my back.
"He's there, near the pool. He was looking up in our position, Avi." Kumabog ang dibdib ko dahil sa sinabi niya. So I was picturing the image of Liam on the pool, raising his head to look at the balcony where we were staying.
"He must be looking at you, Kagan," I stated. I am getting conscious of our position. I was thinking about how the hell we ended up in an employer-employee relationship to fake dating.
"Nope. He was looking at your back." I pressed my lips together. It took me a minute to know what he was trying to say.
"Are you sure you didn't confess your feelings to him?" Tanong nito. Tumango ako. Hanggang ngayon ay nakahawak pa rin siya sa magkabilang pisngi ko.
"Then why in the world is he looking at you with longing in his eyes?" He scowled. Scowling is just a normal expression that he always makes. I took a deep breath. I don't know, too. Baka mali lang ang pagkakita ni Kagan dito.
When Kagan told me that Liam already left with his girlfriend named Lovely, he removed his hands on my cheeks and step backward. How can Kagan looked so relaxed right now? Habang ako ay parang mawawalan na ng hininga dahil sa sobrang lapit namin dalawa. Dumagdag pa sa isipin ko si Liam. I am tempted to look at my back but Kagan made it impossible. Ayokong ilayo ang tingin ko sa kanya. And that's when I decided.
"Let's do it, Kagan. Please be my boyfriend for the time being. While we're here."
"With pleasure."
There's only one worry I have in me. With this fake-dating set-up, how much of this vacation Kagan would be Kagan?