It's a quiet ride down to the parking garage, quiet except for the little giggles from Hobi as he keeps looking at us. Jimin just shakes his head and grins at me as the doors open.
We follow Hobi to the SUV, stopping as a staff member opens the door for us. Hobi climbs into the far back seat next to Yoongi, who is waiting with his eyes closed.
Next Jimin helps me in, and as I move over to the other side, I see my missing earring laying in the crease of the seat. Grabbing it, I sit down and buckle my seat belt, and after Jimin is in with his seat belt on, I show it to him. He lifts my hand up to kiss the back of it, smiling at my happiness in finding it.
While we travel to the venue, we talk about what to expect once we get there. As we drive around the stadium, I see so many people waiting behind barricades with cameras and phones out. I look at Jimin. I smile at him, even though my body starts to tremble, which he can feel through the arm pressed against me.
"What's wrong, Nae?"
Turning to look back out at the crowd gathered, I say softly, "There's so many people out there. You guys have an image to uphold. I'll get out of the vehicle last, and I'll act like I'm one of the staff." I turn to look at each of them. "Don't pay any attention to me. Don't treat me like I'm more special than anyone else who works with you."
I see Yoongi and Hobi looking at me thoughtfully while Jimin shakes his head.
"Yes, Jimin. It has to be done this way. Nobody, and I repeat nobody, should find out about my relationship with you. At least not this way. Don't give anyone the power to start rumors. We all know the truth of us, and that's all that matters."
Jimin looks back at the other two, seeing that they agree with me with a nod of their heads. I see his shoulders drop and the sadness on his face.
"I don't like keeping this secret."
"But she has a point, Jimin-ah," Yoongi replies, placing his hand on Jimin's shoulder. "Remember what she told us last night? She understands this world we live in and how it works. Follow her lead in this."
"I agree with both NaeYeong and Yoongi hyung, Jimin-ah. I don't like it either, because she's with us and she's our little sister, but she's right. It's better this way." He squeezes Jimin's other shoulder, then adds "For now."
I nod at them both, then look back at Jimin. "We need to let the others know as well. And the other staff."
"I've got it," Hobi says as he holds up his phone, dialing a number. I hear Namjoon's voice clearly over the connection. We sit patiently as Hobi explains the situation, then there's quiet as it's repeated to the other members in their vehicle. I'm surprised at the sound of the others disagreeing with it in the background, then Namjoon's voice repeating what Yoongi stated to Jimin, almost word for word. Then he gets back on the line and I hear that they all agree to do it, but under extreme protest. I nod again in acceptance as Hobi ends the call. I look at Jimin and squeeze his hand. Lifting it to my lips, I place a kiss on it.
Turning to look forward, I see the staff members in front looking back at me in surprise, that I think turns into a hint of respect as they pull up to the doors, the other members' vehicle pulling in behind ours.
As the vehicle is put in park, I give his hand one more tight squeeze, feeling his own return, and I let go reluctantly. Doing so is much harder than I expected it to be.
Squaring my shoulders, I gather my aura around me like a cloak as the staff get out and open Jimin's door for the guys to disembark. I wait until all seven members start walking to the door before I step out of the vehicle and close the door.
Turning to the closest staff, I quietly ask him, "Is there anything that I can take in with me?"
With a surprised look in my direction, he shakes his.
"Thank you," I respond. Turning toward the door, I start following other staff to it, with him right behind me, trying to integrate myself amongst them. I see three of the female staffers from the morning meeting standing near the door starting to whisper when they see me coming. Squaring my shoulders again, I choose to ignore them as I walk by, but can still hear the conversation said behind their hands.
"See? I told you it wouldn't last; he already left her behind!"
"Glad he's already figured out that she's only here to get something from him... What do you think?"
"Who knows and who cares? But I'm glad he left her behind. She's not good enough for him!"
"I agree! Maybe she'll leave him alone now and stop bothering him."
"I mean, look at her? Who does she think she is? And dressed like...that?"
"What a bimbo. Although I kind of like the outfit..."
Leaving them behind as I pass through the door, I take a deep breath in, count to five, then slowly exhale it as I walk down the hall with the others. I can still hear the whispers behind me, but they aren't loud enough to be understood, which I'm grateful for.
The staffer from our vehicle following me in speaks. "Ignore them. They aren't worth it. Thank you for protecting the members with your decision."
Without looking back, I respond as those ahead of us start turning the corner to the left.
"I understand the pressure they're under to maintain a certain image. Trust me, I will never jeopardize nor put any of them in harm's way if I have a choice."
He doesn't say anything further but I see him nod in my peripheral vision as I turn the corner.
We walk down several more hallways in silence until we enter into the large area backstage, where I see groups spreading out to go in the directions assigned to them. I stop and move to the side out of the way, not knowing where to go. At least this time I don't feel panic at that. I know one of the members will find me eventually or let someone know where I should be. Until then, I just want to stay out of the way.
The female staff members that were behind me snicker with malice seeing me all by myself, one even shoulder checking me as she walks by.
All three of them laugh when I stumble from it, bumping into someone. The person turns around and quickly grabs me by the arm to steady me, and I look up to see a face I didn't expect.
I step back in shock, deeply bowing several times to him.
He smiles over at me as I straighten back up.
"Hello. I don't think we've met, have we?" he asks.
"No sir, we haven't. But I do know who you are, sir."
"Oh really?"
"Yes, sir, Mr. Bang, sir." I bow once more in respect. He chuckles.
"I feel you now have the upper hand as you know my name, but I don't know yours."
"My apologies, sir. My name is Cho NaeYeong."
"Did the company hire you recently? You seem a little lost."
"No, sir. I'm here as a guest, but I'm just trying to stay out of the way."
"Oh? And who invited you, Ms. Cho? Perhaps we can find where you need to be."
"She's with Mr. Park, sir," I hear the voice of the staffer from our vehicle speak up behind me, and I turn my head in his direction, craning my neck up as he comes to a stop next to me.
"Is that so, Mr. Lee? And why isn't Mr. Park here with her, taking her so she knows where she needs to be?"
"She came with Mr. Park, Mr. Min, and Mr. Jung in their car, sir, but thought it was best that she acts like a staffer and move into the building with us so as to keep people unawares of their relationship," he responds after he bows.
"Is that so? Was that actually your suggestion, Ms. Cho?" Mr. Bang asks me, assessing me with a tilt of his head.
"Yes, sir, it was."
I hear a commotion coming from behind me as Mr. Bang looks past with a smile splitting his face.
Mr. Lee moves away from me as the seven members surround me on both sides, with Jimin next to me, threading his fingers through mine. They all bow respectfully, then all start to speak at once, except for Jimin, who is looking at me, a smile on his face for only me. The voices stop as Mr. Bang motions them to quiet down, looking at Jimin and I.
I pull my gaze from Jimin as I hear Mr. Bang speak.
"Ah, I see! Jimin-ssi, why did you not wait for her?"
Jimin bows once again before he replies.
"Bang PD-nim, I wanted to, but NaeYeong thought it would be best if we went ahead without her and treat her as a staff member until we got in here. We were ushered straight into the dressing room, and I've been trying to come back for her. We were just informed by another staffer who came in the other vehicle that you were talking to her."
"Ah yes, she quite literally bumped into me and almost fell down. I'd never seen her before so thought she was a new staffer recently hired."
Jimin chuckles as he looks at me. "She has a habit of doing that."
I can feel all eight sets of eyes turn in my direction, and I know my face is turning a bright shade of red.
"Come, let's all go back to the dressing room, and you can tell us that story, because it looks like it will be a good one!"
We all follow Mr. Bang to the dressing room where half of the guys sit down in the seats where staffers are waiting while the rest of us find vacant chairs and couches around the room. Jimin pulls me down on his lap, wrapping his arms around me as I melt into him.
He starts explaining how we met without actually meeting that first time at his father's cafe, then how he kept coming to the beach each day after that to watch me dance or write or just stare at the horizon, then about the night I literally bumped into him at the beach, along with the ensuing escape I helped him with.
I see everyone, including the staff milling about, listening to the story, and Mr. Bang nodding his head every so often. I notice he's watching Jimin's movements as he speaks, every glance, every touch, every nuanced look. He even asks pointed questions for clarification a few times, which we both answer.
Jimin continues to explain about the run-in with the security guard at the studio. I see Mr. Lee, who is standing just inside the doorway, stiffen in anger when he hears about that. I realize then that he is actually part of their security detail, not a manager or staffer like the rest.
Then Hobi, Yoongi, and Namjoon start telling him about the panic attacks I had yesterday. My face turns red again, but I explain why I had those, how they started, and why they are so severe, because I can see the confusion on Mr. Bang's face.
"Ah, I understand now. Is that why you suggested to be treated like a staffer and come in after them?"
"Yes, sir. I've been in the spotlight and understand how even a little misguided rumor can negatively affect a person's career and personal life. I thought it would be best to take that factor out of the equation for everyone's sakes."
Mr. Bang nods his head in agreement. "Thank you for being so protective of my boys, Ms. Cho."
"I would do anything and everything for any one of them, sir. Especially this man right here." I look Jimin in the eyes, and I know he can see the love shining in mine.
"I believe you, Ms. Cho. Now, would you mind going for a walk with me while the boys get changed? This is a dress rehearsal, after all."
"Of course, sir. I would be honored." I say as I get up from Jimin's lap, who also stands up.
"I promise I will not leave her side, Jimin-ssi. She is safe with me."
He only nods his head, then wrapping his hand behind the back of my neck, he pulls me in for a hot kiss, not caring about who can see us.
We hear a few people clear their throats to remind us that we aren't alone. He rests his forehead against mine.
"I love you, Nae," he whispers so only I can hear.
"I love you too, Jimin. More than you'll ever know," I whisper back.
Stepping away, I move toward Mr. Bang, who gestures for me to precede him through the door. I fall in next to him as he walks toward the backstage area, with Mr. Lee following at a discreet distance.
Mr. Bang shows me around, explaining the different roles of the managers and staff as we pass the different areas. I also see the three women from before, surreptitiously stealing glances at us. I stiffen when I see them, and I know I've let out my boss b*tch aura again when Mr. Bang stops and turns to look at me curiously. Seeing where I'm looking, he glances in that direction then back at me.
"And what do you do for a living, Ms. Cho?" he asks as we start moving in their direction again.
"I am a junior partner in one of the largest global brokerage firms, which is headquartered in New York City," I respond as we reach the area where the three women are acting as though they're working.
"Ah, that explains a lot. I thought I recognized corporate power," he chuckles as he continues moving, stopping just beyond them, but still within earshot. "If I may be a bit uncouth and pretentious, may I ask how old you are?"
"I don't mind at all, sir. I'm 26 years."
"So young to have such a high responsibility job! How long have you been with your firm?"
"Just over five years."
"That is nearly unheard of! You must be very skilled to be recognized by your senior partners in order to make junior partner so quickly, Ms. Cho. I wonder... Would you ever consider moving to Seoul?"
"Yes, sir. I would consider it."
"Please call me Bang PD-nim like our boys do." He grips my hands in his own.
"Thank you, Bang PD-nim, I would be honored. Please, call me NaeYeong."
"Alright, NaeYeong, where were we?" Holding his arm out for me to take, he says, "Ah yes, if you come this way, I will introduce you to the band members..."
As we walk away from the three women, he confides softly to me, "I saw how they were looking at you and your reaction, NaeYeong. I hope you aren't angry at me with the way I put you on the spot there."
I shake my head. "No, I actually appreciate you taking lead. It seems they've had a problem with me since this morning."
"What happened this morning, if you don't mind me asking another intrusive question?"
"Well, I tend to dance my feelings and this morning was no different. I was dancing at the end of the hallway at the hotel and when I finished, all the members and staff started clapping. They apparently were watching me for a while. Jimin came and gave me a hug and then Namjoon invited me to join their morning meeting. I believe they think I have ulterior motives and somehow duped the members, especially Jimin, into accepting me. Honestly, I think they're jealous and believe they think they have some sort of a claim on those seven men."
"And do you have ulterior motives, NaeYeong?" he asks carefully. I look at him, knowing he's just looking out for his boys.
"No, sir. I admit, I am ARMY, probably one of the first, but I was content with that. I never expected to bump into Jimin, or any one of them, ever in my life!"
"And now?"
"I've fallen in love with him, and I keep falling deeper and harder with each passing minute."
"Is the concert the reason you came to Busan?"
"No, sir. This trip was planned out with my best friend Leeza starting three years ago. I needed the time away and have always wanted to visit my birthplace."
"Ah, so you are from Busan?"
"Yes sir, I was born here. My parents moved to the United States for work when I was two. I wanted to learn about my ancestral family home."
"And have you been able to do that?"
"Some, prior to yesterday. I actually have a sightseeing bucket list that I've been working on."
"Ah, you're a planner!" He chuckles. "That makes sense, considering your career. And where is your friend? Leeza?"
"That is a long story..." I shake my head and I see him glance at me. "Let's just say she's not the person I thought she was prior to coming on this trip."
"Does she know about Jimin and you? Or your current connection with any of the members?"
I stop and turn to look at him. "I understand why you're asking me these questions, and I'm glad you are. Whatever you ask me, I will be truthful with you, about everything." I pause to gauge his reaction to that. "The answer to whether Leeza knows about any of our connections is no. She's not able to keep a secret, and though I have thought of her as my best friend for years, even considered her like a sister, this one is too big and I would never trust her with it. And she will not know either, at least not from my lips."
I know he's reading my face as I speak. "Are there other secrets that you have not told her?"
I'm nodding my head even before he finishes his question.
"Does Jimin know the secret or secrets you have kept from your friend?"
"Yes, I've told him. And he's the only person who I've told everything to."
"What about the rest of the members?"
I shake my head, pressing my lips together. "They only know the very whitewashed version of it, yes."
"And would you tell them the full truth if they asked for more?"
"I'm not sure." I look down at my hands. "I've never been asked before except by Leeza, and there wasn't any way I would tell her."
"Would you tell me the truth of it if I asked to know?"
I look up at him then. I weigh my words carefully, and slowly respond. "I don't know. It's not a memory I care to dwell on. In fact, it's a pretty horrible one. One that literally scarred me for life. I've had to work through it for the past three years, and it's been really hard. But it was one that Jimin needed to know before we...decided to move forward any further in our relationship." I look down again, then back up. "If I decided to tell you, I would want him with me when I do. Without him there, I'm not sure I could do it."
He nods his head with a thoughtful look on his face. "I can respect that, NaeYeong. Let me set your mind at ease. I don't believe I need to know that secret. As long as you are truthful with Jimin, I'm content."
"That is not an issue. Thank you."
"You're welcome. Now, let's have you meet the band before it's time for the boys to start rehearsal."
We end up on the stadium floor, waiting for rehearsal to start. It's been quite pleasant talking to Bang PD-nim, and I feel very fortunate to have that opportunity. He even regales me with stories from the past years of the group, and especially Jimin. Some are funny, and some are sad, and all are definitely eye-opening.
Then the music starts and we get lost in it. It's amazing to see the differences of each member between yesterday's rehearsal and today, having made the adjustments discussed earlier. And this time, my full attention is on Jimin, except for when Bang PD-nim talks to me. I even sway to the music without realizing it. I know I must be doing it when I catch people watching me. During the breaks, staff come and talk to my companion, and sometimes they include me in the conversation. Mr. Lee stays near us the whole time too.
When everything is done, I'm brought backstage again, and I wait for the members to come out of the dressing room. Mr. Lee continues to stay close to us, and even Bang PD-nim waits with me, stepping away occasionally to take or make a call. Thankfully my phone only rings once, and seeing who it is, I decline the call with a distasteful look on my face and drop it back in my bag.
As soon as I do, I feel arms snake around my waist from the back, and lips kiss my neck.
"Hello there, beautiful. Are you waiting for someone?"
"Oh, just the man of my dreams... I wonder, have you seen him around?"
"What does he look like? Perhaps I can help you look for him? Or maybe I can be the man of your dreams instead..."
"Well, let's see. He's almost a foot taller than me, has silky soft hair that I love to run my hands through, a gorgeous smile that shows this adorable dimple every so often, a body to die for and a fine *ss that I just want to take a bite out of, has wicked dance moves that remind me of hot steamy s*x on the stage, and the voice of an angel that will make every female within earshot fall in love and a sexy growl that will make her wet her panties...he's one of the most generous, caring, and affectionate men I've ever met. He's also one of seven members in this little group called BTS. I'm not sure if you've heard of them before...not many people know who BTS is. And sorry, there is no substitute for the man of my dreams...so I will just have to decline that invitation you extended."
"Well, that's disheartening. Not sure a man like that actually exists. Are you sure you wouldn't want to go home with me instead?"
"Thank you, but no. There is no one else for me. My heart is with him, and it would be a disservice to all of us to pretend otherwise..."
"I love you, Nae."
"I love you, Jimin."
And he turns me around in his arms, kissing me softly.
We hear Mr. Lee clearing his throat next to us. We see him gesture with his chin and turning, we see the other members and Bang PD-nim watching us, most with huge grins on their faces. I blush furiously burying my head in Jimin's chest. Apparently, they've all been waiting for us, so we walk to them, his hand guiding me by the waist. Once we reach the group, they let us know the group is going to a popular restaurant for a private dinner.
I'm somewhat excited, but at the same time nervous since this will technically be the first time we've gone out together in a public venue. And I know we will have to treat each other as employer and staff wherever there are other people. But I'll do whatever needs to be done to protect them.
Making the plans quickly, the group heads toward the exit we entered in. Before we turn the last corner, I turn and kiss Jimin quickly then hang back to join the rest of the staff who are leaving at the same time. Mr. Lee moves up next to me, and I smile at him appreciatively.
"Thank you for staying nearby," I say so only he can hear.
"You're welcome."
"Why have you been doing it anyway? I'm pretty sure you were one of the people this morning who were not too happy with seeing me with him at the hotel."
He doesn't say anything as we stop to wait for the cars to pull up before leaving the building. He looks down at me quickly, then looks away again.
"It's my job to watch out for all dangers that may threaten the members. You were an unknown, a threat. But hearing the things you said in the vehicle on the way here, as well as in the dressing room, I realize you understand things about this that most people do not. I've observed you today, and I believe that you only have the best intentions for him." He looks down at me once more, before speaking again. "And I was also asked to make sure nothing happened to you."
"You're part of their security detail, aren't you?"
He looks at me with a surprised look. "How did you know? Most other staffers with them believe that's what I am too."
I look back at him when I start.
"In the dressing room, you stiffened slightly when we were telling Bang PD-nim about the security guard at the studio. I recognized the reason behind it. Security tends to work in small groups of pairs or quad teams. You get to know each other very well, much like these seven men. You have to, otherwise your effectiveness is hampered." I look forward to watch the members. "You know who was working that night, don't you? And to hear of what they did, you feel reflects badly on you and your other team members. If I had to guess, I would say you are probably team leader. And you take that responsibility very seriously."
He doesn't say anything for a few moments. I don't look at him, but I can feel his eyes on me.
"Yes."
"Good, I'm glad to hear that. They need and deserve to have the best watching out for them."
At that, we start to move forward again. I watch as all members get into the vehicles they were in earlier. I move with Mr. Lee toward the first SUV but before I can make it there, Bang PD-nim is at our side asking to have me ride with him. I agree and ask Mr. Lee to let Jimin know I will see him at the restaurant, who nods and agrees. Without a word I follow Bang PD-nim to his vehicle at the end of the line and get in the back when the door is opened for me.
Once settled, the vehicles start to creep forward. Bang PD-nim turns to me.
"I know you probably wanted to go in the same vehicle as Jimin and are wondering why I asked for you to come with me."
"Yes, it crossed my mind."
"There were a couple of things I wanted to discuss with you..."
Over the course of the twenty-minute ride to the restaurant, we discuss several things. When we arrive at the destination, I get out of the vehicle in such a daze that I don't even notice where we are. We are ushered into the private back room, and my eyes are drawn right to Jimin.
It's just Bang PD-nim, the seven members, myself, and the staff from each vehicle in the room. When Bang PD-nim sits at the head of the table, he asks that I sit next to him, which again surprises me. Namjoon sits across from me, and Jimin claims the seat on my other side, his leg brushing against mine. I'm very grateful for it as his touch right now is helping to ground me. I know he's wanting to ask why Bang PD-nim requested that I join him for the ride to the restaurant, but it's not something I can freely discuss with others around.
"Is everything alright, Nae?" he whispers in my ear as we sit down. I look at him, still in a daze, not sure how to respond. "Talk about it later, alone?"
I nod my head briefly. He sits back in his chair to watch me out of the corner of his eye as all those around us talk animatedly about rehearsal, the concert, and plans going forward. I grab his hand under the table, needing more of a connection with him.
I'm starting to come out of the daze enough to look at those sitting around the table and to be more present. The food looks delicious, but I don't have much of an appetite at the moment. Picking up my glass, I go to take a drink when Jimin lightly places his hand on my arm and leans over to whisper in my ear. I set it down with a shaky hand noticing Bang PD-nim look at us curiously.
I know my breathing is starting to get a bit erratic as the room and members start to warp into a rustic cabin with a stone fireplace, the shadow of flames flickering across the wall. Then the members swim into view, their voices and laughter melding together into crackling flames, the smell of red wine and smoke strong in my nostrils.
I feel the panic start to swell incrementally. I need to get out of there or face a possible meltdown.
Jimin stands up quietly and helps me to my feet. Asking one of the servers where the restroom is, he leads me out to a back hallway away from the front patrons, only to find several people milling there waiting to use it. And my panic is escalating as I start to see dots wavering around the hallway of the cabin in front of me.
Moving past them, we head further away as the black dots start getting bigger, and the smell of smoke and blood follow me.
Looking back at me, Jimin pulls out his phone to call the first person in his list, asking for someone to bring the keys to one of the vehicles parked out back as soon as possible.
I feel myself start to hyperventilate, with the words 'not now' and 'not again' running through my mind without realizing they are being whispered out loud as well.
I stumble on weakening legs, causing Jimin to feel the tug. He scoops me up in his arms and keeps moving out the back door to where the vehicles are parked. Although I feel like I'm going to pass out or succumb to the vision, I fight as hard as I can to stay conscious. Several members, Mr. Lee, and Bang PD-nim leave the building right behind us.
Next thing I know, Jimin is climbing in the back of the vehicle with me still in his arms, cradling me tightly, cooing my name.
"I'm still...with you...Jimin," I say softly. "I'm trying...to fight it..."
"It's okay, Baby. You're safe with me. Nothing will happen, I won't let it. Can you tell me what's happening?"
"I can smell red wine...taste it. There's so much...fire in the fireplace...crackling, smell the smoke...hallway, I smell blood..."
My voice rises as I speak, the panic starting to take control again.
"Shh, shh, Baby, I'm right here and you're not there. Rise like the Phoenix you are, my sweet Nae. That's the past...this is your future. I'm your future."
"Jimin, it hurts!" I cry out as I arch my back as if in pain. "Make it stop. Please make it stop..."
A tear rolls down the side of my face that he wipes away with his thumb as he cups my cheek.
"I'm trying, Baby, I'm trying. Tell me what to do..."
"Kiss me, Jimin, make the memories go away. Fill me with new memories...please..."
His lips latch on to mine, and I'm swept away from the past to the present where all I feel is his lips on mine, his hand on my cheek, his arm pressed to my back, and his body underneath mine.
It's this physical touch that brings me slowly back to the present and out of that horrible night.
"Jimin..."
"NaeYeong."
He kisses me again, slowly and deeply, and I feel the love in the touch of his mouth, the taste of his tongue.
"I'm sorry..."
"Don't apologize, NaeYeong. This wasn't your fault."
"It feels like it." I can't look him in the eyes, nor do I want to see who's around that may have witnessed this.
"It wasn't your fault...I didn't catch the drink being poured before you picked it up."
"But you caught it before I drank it."
"Did telling you set the memory off?"
"I don't know. Maybe? I was already in a daze, not paying attention to my surroundings. That's not normal for me..."
"Do you want to tell me what you saw, what happened?"
"Not right now, please. It feels too fresh at the moment, like it's just lurking in the shadows ready to jump out and swallow me whole."
"What do you want to do right now? Do you want to go back in and try dinner again? Go back to the hotel?"
"Can we just sit here for a few minutes?"
"Yes, my love."
"Will you hold me?"
"Of course, Nae, for as long as you need."
I relax into his arms. I'm not sure how much time has gone by but when I feel together enough to face everyone without feeling like I'm lost in the past, I slowly sit up.
"This is so embarrassing. How do I go in and face everyone right now? I seem to always disrupt things."
"It's okay, Nae. They will understand."
"It's not okay. Why did it happen this time? I understand those episodes from yesterday, but today?? What triggered it?"
I cover my face with my hands afraid the tears are about to start, but instead I find that there's anger simmering there.
"You said you were not paying attention to your surroundings, and I noticed you haven't been fully present since you got here. I know you said we would talk later, but did something happen on the way over? Did Bang PD-nim say something that could've triggered it? Did something get said while everyone was talking?"
I shake my head while he's talking, then drop my hands to look at him.
"I wanted to wait until we were back at the hotel alone before bringing this up with you..."
I see a worried look on his face as I say those words. I place my hand on his cheek and give a small smile as I continue.
"It's nothing bad, but it's a huge decision that I don't want to make alone. It would affect not just me, but you as well, and I want to make sure it's something you would want before everything is decided."
His face relaxes at those words, then his brow furrows as he tilts his head in confusion.
"What do you mean?"
And I lay out the discussion with Bang PD-nim in the vehicle. I watch the different emotions cross his face in rapid succession while I speak.
"...And that's why I've been so distracted since we arrived."
He whistles lowly at that. Shaking his head, he stares out the windshield of the vehicle for a few minutes before turning his gaze to me. He hesitates a moment before asking one thing.
"Is that what you want?"
It's my turn to hesitate before answering. I see Mr. Lee standing outside the door to the vehicle, with Namjoon, Yoongi, Hobi and Bang PD-nim standing near the door to the building speaking quietly, glancing in the direction of the vehicle occasionally.
"Everything has happened so quickly between us, and frankly I've been a bit scared to think about it too closely. I know what I want," I look him in the eyes, "and that is you. I want to be with you because I know deep down that I love you with my whole being. But I've been trying not to think about the future, you know? Not in those terms anyway. Not because I'm not certain about you or your love...I feel that deeply in here," I say as I place my hand over my heart, "but because of all the what if insecurities that plague me here." I move my hand to my head. "I knew that I would have to go back to New York at the end of next week. But this opportunity...it feels like a once in a lifetime kind of opportunity. I want to take it for many reasons, but I want to know if it's something that you want too..."
"Oh, Baby...I want that more than anything."
His lips find mine in a flash, the need deeply felt by both of us.
Breaking apart for breath, I gasp, "Is that a yes?"
"Yes! With all my heart, yes!" He hugs me tightly to him, and I can feel the happiness radiating from both of us, the panic attack a distant memory.
"Are you sure? This is a big step." Seeing his nod, I say, "Okay, I'll make a few calls later tonight to see what the process is...with the time difference, I think any time after nine o'clock should work."
"I'll be right by your side when you do. Now," he says as he picks up my hand in his, flipping it over and placing a kiss gently on the inside of my wrist, "do you feel ready to go in?"
Looking back outside at the men standing there, I take a deep breath while assessing how I'm feeling, which is happiness, and even with thoughts of the panic attack and what triggered it, I don't feel it ready to attack again. It's locked down tight for the moment, and I feel in control of it instead of the other way around.
"Yes," I nod, "I believe so. The panic is gone, and I feel in control."
"Okay, let's go."
I get up, moving forward to the door, knocking on the window to let Mr. Lee know we are coming out, Jimin close behind me, his hand firmly on my *ss. I look over my shoulder to give him a wink promising payback later for that.
Disembarking from the vehicle, the four men walk slowly up to us. I look down, squaring my shoulders before looking back up.
"I need to apologize for earlier, for disrupting the meal. I believe I have control over things now and it shouldn't happen again when we go in."
"Are you alright, little sister?" Yoongi asks quietly.
"For the moment, yes, and I believe it will get better going forward."
"Can we ask what the trigger was?" Namjoon asked. "So, it can be avoided in the future if possible."
"I believe it was finding out that I almost drank the alcohol in my cup."
"I'm confused. Alcohol is a trigger?" Hobi asks. I shake my head.
"Not the alcohol itself, no. It was the fact that I didn't control pouring it myself. Jimin was able to stop me from drinking it, but by then it was too late...the room started to morph into the cabin from that night, and my senses were overwhelmed."
"NaeYeong," Bang PD-nim says softly to gain my attention, "Earlier you told me that you would answer truthfully if I asked about it. At the time I didn't think it was necessary, but after our discussion on the way here, I believe it may be a necessary evil to know the situation now."
Jimin's arms wrap me into his embrace from behind, grounding me. I nod my head, knowing that this was likely to happen.
"Yes, I believe you're correct, although it is difficult. And like I said earlier, I'll need Jimin by my side to do this. While I would prefer to do this in the comfort of the hotel room, I believe it would be more expedient to do it here. Is it alright if we go back in the vehicle? I don't want any more ears around than yours for this."
I see everyone nodding their heads. Grasping Jimin's hand, I extricate myself from his embrace and lead all six men back to the SUV I just came from. Opening the door, I climb in, Jimin right behind me. The others get in the other seats, with Bang PD-nim in ours after Jimin has put me on his lap. Mr. Lee goes to close the door but pauses when I call his name.
"Mr. Lee, you should know this as well considering your role in being their security. Please join us."
He looks at everyone's faces before settling on mine. He gives a short nod before closing the door and coming around to the driver's side, sliding in. He locks the doors, then turns around in his seat.
"Jimin knows the full story, every detail, and I believe is accepting of what has happened to me. We wouldn't have moved forward if he wasn't." I look at Jimin, seeing his nod. "The full truth of this is not something I've told anyone outside of him. Not even Leeza. You three," I point at Namjoon, Hobi, and Yoongi, "as well as the other members got the very minimal version this morning, so what I have to say now may sound repetitive. For that, I do apologize ahead of time. However, I ask that what I tell you today is kept in confidence amongst us only. At some point, the other members may need to know, but for now, you are it."
Everyone nods their heads in agreement. So, I begin to tell them, slowly at first, giving each grim detail. Halfway through, Bang PD-nim takes hold of both my hands, giving a fatherly squeeze as my tears threaten to fall.
When I finish, there is a heavy presence in the vehicle with us.
"NaeYeong..." Yoongi says with a catch in his throat and his eyes watery. "Little sister...you have endured so much in such a short period of time. Now I have a much better in-depth understanding of why you are so strong. I will keep this tale in my heart."
"Thank you, Yoongi oppa. Your words mean so much to me."
Looking at each man sitting with me, I see they all have watery eyes, and I feel Jimin hug me tighter to him as he leans his forehead on my shoulder. I wrap my arms around him, holding him close to me.
"I realize this knowledge can be a burden to bear, and I'm sorry that you must now carry it with me."
"I'm sorry you've had to carry this burden alone for so many years," I hear Jimin's reply muffled in my chest. "I wish..." he stops, lifting his head to look at me, a tear escaping, "I wish we had met sooner so you wouldn't have had to bear it alone for so long."
"My love," I wipe the tear away, "I wish for that as well, but the timing wasn't right. Things had to happen the way they did for a reason, in the order they did."
Looking back at the others, I meet each of their gazes in turn.
"You saw the tattoo this morning. What you may not have noticed within it were the scars he left behind that night. The tattoo incorporates them well. It's meant to do that. Plus, you respected the boundaries I asked for and didn't come closer than you were. I'll be eternally grateful for that. The trauma is still there and that's why I can get triggered. Today the alcohol was a trigger. Not that there was alcohol, but because I wasn't aware of it being poured, nor by who, because while I do drink, I must be the one in control of it at all times. I can't always explain why it happens the way it does. I only hope that going forward you will understand that it happens and will be patient with me when it does as I work through it. Because, unfortunately, it will happen again."
Look back at Jimin, I continue, "I hope this doesn't change the decision we made earlier...?"
He doesn't even let me finish my sentence before he is shaking his head vigorously.
"I stand by that decision fully."
"What decision?" Namjoon asks from the backseat.
"Is this a decision regarding what I proposed on the way here?" Bang PD-nim asks.
"Yes," is all I say as I continue looking at Jimin.
"I assume that means you are accepting it?"
"Yes, sir. It is," I tear my gaze from Jimin's and look at Bang PD-nim instead, nodding my head. "I'll be making the calls later this evening."
He claps his hands as a huge smile spreads across his face. "Good, good! We will discuss more details tomorrow after the concert! Now, let's go eat and celebrate!"
I rest a hand briefly on Bang PD-nim's arm, making him pause before opening the door. "I would like to keep this decision quiet until the details have been settled, if that is fine with you?"
"Of course, of course! Now come, we have lots of good food to eat! Let's just hope our Jungkookie has not finished it all first!" We all laugh at that, knowing it could be a very real possibility when we get back.