I hear so many voices surrounding me, a cacophony of noise, words that don't make sense to my addled brain. I take a few moments to focus on my body, taking stock of it. I can feel my feet, legs, and butt laying on a firm surface. My upper body is cradled within strong arms, the heat of that body around me and a strong heartbeat thumping in my ear. Fingers are lightly running through my hair, against my cheek and earlobe in what I can only call an absent-minded way.
I involuntarily snuggle a little closer to the body I'm being held by as I now hear Jimin's voice rumbling in the chest I'm pressed close to. His arms tighten slightly at my movement, his way of letting me know he knows I'm awake even though my eyes are still closed.
"Everyone, I need you to leave right now. I'll let you know when you can come back in."
All around me, the voices have quieted down and I can make out individuals – especially the other members – as they start to shuffle out of the room we're in. Before too long, it's just Jimin and I left.
"You can open your eyes, Nae...everyone is gone now," he whispers.
I shake my head slightly, and I hear a responding chuckle.
"Come on, Nae. Open your pretty eyes for me," he repeats.
Again, I shake my head.
"Please?"
"I'm so embarrassed, Jimin," I barely whisper loud enough into the silence making him lean closer, which I'm alright with as I'm enjoying his scent while being held by him. I've been wanting this for a long time, just not under these circumstances.
"Why are you embarrassed?" He places a soft kiss on my forehead.
"Because I panicked at the thought of meeting all these people who know you, especially the other members," I reply in a tiny voice. "I just want to not be a spectacle or to bring shame to you as your guest here..."
My voice trails off at the end and I feel my face and ears heat up from even more embarrassment at those words.
"Nae." It almost sounds like exasperation when he says my name.
He takes a deep breath, exhaling slowly, as though he's trying to get himself under control. Tears are prickling and welling up slowly under my closed eyelids at the thought of that.
"Nae," he says my name once more, this time in a gentler tone. "Nae, please open your eyes."
I steel myself to see the disappointment that I'm positive he's feeling. But when I open them, a tear escapes.
"I'm sorry, Jimin. I'll leave now," I say with sadness, my gaze darting everywhere but at him as I try to extricate myself from his embrace.
"No, Nae. I don't want you to leave," he states quietly yet forcefully, his arms tightening a bit more around my body as I try to get up again. "Seriously, Nae. I don't want you to leave. Please don't leave me." It was a softly spoken plea, barely loud enough to be heard.
My gaze finds his, and I see worry...and fear?
"Oh, Jimin..." I whisper. It's this moment of vulnerability that any other person will never see, and it breaks my heart that he has to show it to me. I lift my hand and cup his cheek, searching his face for anything that makes me nervous or feel an untruth there. It's the most honest expression I've seen.
"I won't leave. You are my everything, Park JiMin. Always." I vow to him.
"Do you promise?"
"I do."
He lifts me up so his lips can capture mine, pain, worry, and fear being replaced by hope and love.
Love. I pull back at that thought, searching his gaze. Should I dare hope for him feeling the same?
"What is it, Nae?" he asks after a moment.
"I..."
We are interrupted by the door opening and Hoseok's head poking through.
"Is she okay, Jimin-ah?" he asks hesitantly.
I bury my head in Jimin's neck, the embarrassment and shyness rearing its ugly head again.
"Hobi hyung!" Jimin scolds as he holds me closer, his hand resting on the back of my head. "Nae, is it okay if the others come back in to meet you?"
I take a deep breath, inhaling and holding Jimin's scent deep in my lungs as a way to calm my racing heart. I give a small nod in the affirmative. I might as well get this part over with.
"Hobi hyung, everyone, come in," he invites as I sit up next to him. I see we're on a couch in a medium-size room. Thankfully, Jimin puts an arm around my shoulders and holds my hand in his lap with his other. It's giving me a measure of comfort as I watch the rest of the members follow Hoseok into the room and come to sit or stand around us. Once everyone is comfortable, an awkward silence fills the room. Jimin breaks it by clearing his throat.
"This is Cho NaeYeong. I invited her to spend the day watching us rehearse."
No one says a word or moves for a moment. Then it's instant chaos as everyone starts talking and asking questions all at once. I'm having a hard time following who's asking what, and I can feel the panic rising again.
"Hey!" Jimin shouts, effectively shutting everyone up. "Please, can you speak one at a time? Even I'm having trouble understanding you!"
He pulls me even closer to him as he says this, and the panic recedes a bit and a calmness descends.
"Hello, Ms. Cho. My name is Kim Namjoon – RM – the leader of BTS," Namjoon says in English. "It's very nice to meet you."
"Thank you, Mr. Kim. It's nice to meet all of you," I respond, also in English. Some of the members look to Namjoon for translation, so I repeat it in Korean, and I see some of them visibly relax.
"Where are you from?" Hoseok asks curiously.
"I live in the United States, but I was born in Busan. My parents moved to the States for work when I was two years."
I hear 'ahs' all around as they now understand how I can speak Korean so easily.
"I didn't mean to cause such a commotion earlier when I fainted," I say shyly while looking at Jimin. He smiles to let me know it's okay. "I can get overwhelmed around a lot of people. I didn't realize it was happening so quickly."
I look down at my lap only to have Jimin squeeze my shoulders in comfort.
"Nae," he whispers in my ear, "It's okay."
He kisses me on the cheek and I give him a quick glance and smile, squeezing the hand holding mine. Looking up, I see six pairs of eyes on us, and I flush a deep red, noticing the various looks on each member's face. Some are hard to discern, others are easy to read though I'm not sure what to make of them.
A knock on the door captures our attention and a staff member sticks his head in to let the group know it's time to start.
"Come Nae, let's get you settled," Jimin says as he gets up and holds out his hands for me to grab. "Unless you would prefer to stay here for a while?"
Placing my hands in his, I let him pull me up and straight into his arms as the others leave the room ahead of us. He kisses me slowly and deeply, and I reciprocate with my whole being. It seems that we get lost in the moment because we hear a throat getting cleared along with a chuckle. Looking around Jimin's shoulder, I see Hoseok standing at the open door, a bright smile spread across his face.
"We will continue this later," Jimin promises in my ear, then kisses my forehead.
"I'm holding you to that!" I whisper before lightly biting his chin followed by a kiss in the same spot.
I follow them out of the room, careful to regulate my breathing so I don't panic again. It helps that Jimin keeps his hand around mine as we move through the halls that lead toward the stage area.
I can't stop looking around as we walk. This place is amazing. And huge!
"How do you do this?" I ask quietly.
"Do what?" Jimin replies curiously, looking at me.
"This..." I sweep my free arm around, encompassing everything and everyone. "Isn't it overwhelming being in places like this? The sheer size of it. The capacity it holds. It's amazing. And frightening!"
He looks around us. "I haven't thought about it for a long time." He pauses as he contemplates our surroundings. "It's hard to remember what it was like before our stadium tours. Sometimes, it feels like it was yesterday when we debuted, being on a small stage. Other times it's like a dream that I can't remember accurately." His tone has a note of wonder in it as he continues to look around. "I think after a while, some of these stadiums start to look the same, have the same feel. It's like we're home when we come to places that are large like this. They may not be exactly the same, but they have enough similarities to give that feeling."
"That makes sense."
I look around, trying to see it from his perspective as we continue moving. Ahead of us the members have come to a stop. I let go of Jimin's hand and hang back while he joins the others. Moving out of the way, I observe how they all go from joking around with each other to semi-professional in the blink of an eye as staff members get them ready for the rehearsal.
They move like a well-oiled machine, each doing what they've done hundreds of times over the years. I can see how well they work together, almost as extensions of each other, giving and taking ideas as they get ready. They seem so comfortable gravitating to each other like a solar system of planets around the sun. Each member has a specific function and role, but it's never as clear in the interviews or behind the scenes of the snippets given.
I realize at that moment what a wonderous gift I've been given, a view into their lives that most people will never have a chance to see in person. I feel humbled from it. A single tear escapes from the corner of my eye as I smile to myself.
It's been a while since I started watching them when they take their first break. Jimin comes over to me and grabs my hand in his.
"Would you like to see everything from the stadium floor?" he asks. The excitement on his face is contagious, so I nod my head quickly.
A smile a mile wide splits my face as he pulls me along, first up on stage so I can see it from his perspective, then after a moment he's guiding me down to the stadium floor and to an area front and center to the stage.
My mouth falls open at the sheer size of the stage from this angle. I can't even encompass the whole thing without turning my head from side to side.
"Jimin! This is incredible! I've never been this close at any of your concerts!" I gush, totally fangirling. My cheeks turn red yet again as he laughs at my enthusiasm. I'm literally bouncing in place. I turn to him, suddenly throwing my body against his while wrapping my arms around his neck. "Thank you," I whisper in his ear.
He holds me tight to him, his own arms wrapped around my body. After a moment, he whispers back, "Why are you thanking me?"
"For sharing this with me. I am humbled to be allowed to see this, to be a part of this," I continue to whisper. He squeezes me once and then responds.
"You're welcome."
I pull back to look in his eyes.
"You, Mr. Park, continue to amaze me. There's nowhere in this world I would rather be than right here, right now. With you."
"I'm glad to have met you, Ms. Cho."
"You are a precious gift to this world, Jimin. I can't imagine it without you in it."
I kiss him silly, aware of all the extra eyes we have on us at the moment, which is only confirmed when we hear a chorus of "Jimin-ah!" and whistles from the stage by the members. Once again my face turns a bright red as I bury it in his chest. I can hear the chuckle deep in his chest where I'm leaning.
"Break is over. I have to go back to rehearsal. Will you be fine here?"
"Yes, I'll be fine." I smile up at him, so he kisses my forehead before letting me go and heads back to the stage. I watch for hours while they go through the concert set, stopping occasionally to discuss changes and implementing them. Sometimes when they run through some of the songs I can feel my body start to move on its own, following some of the choreo steps. Sometimes, I catch the members watching me when I do and I blush profusely. You'd think I would be used to being watched as a ballet dancer without embarrassment. But circumstances are a bit different this time...the largest global sensation wasn't watching me back then!
My attention is mostly focused on Jimin, but I find myself watching the other members occasionally, paying attention to their different dance styles, especially Hoseok as the dance leader. It's fascinating to see his process and teaching style once changes are decided.
By the time they have gone through the whole set list and take a longer break, I look at my phone to see four hours have passed since I moved to the stadium floor. I also see I've missed a couple texts from Leeza reminding me it's 'Jimin Day' and I roll my eyes at that. As if I didn't already know! That fact has been knocking around in my head all morning. I'm trying to decide what my response to her should be. That is, if I decide to answer...
"Ms. Cho."
I'm startled out of my thoughts by Hoseok standing next to me.
"Oh, hello," I respond feebly looking in his direction, then at the stage where I see Jimin in deep conversation with Taehyung, Namjoon, and a few staff. I glance back down at my phone, eyebrows furrowed.
"Is something wrong, Ms. Cho?" Hoseok asks, pulling me out of my thoughts once again.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Jung? What did you ask?" I politely say, glancing back up again, thumbs poised above my phone's keyboard.
"Is something wrong?" He nods at the phone gripped tightly in my hands. I glance at it.
"No. Yes? I don't know...?" I say, uncertainty shading my voice.
"Do you want to talk about it? Is it Jimin?" He eyes me critically.
"Yes? No. Yes?"
"I'm not following, Ms. Cho." He states, no smile on his face.
"Please call me NaeYeong, Mr. Jung."
"Okay, NaeYeong. Call me Hoseok or Hobi then," he responds, his face softening. "So what's going on, NaeYeong?"
"My 'best friend,'" I use air quotes with that, "Leeza texted me a few times to remind me it's Jimin's birthday today. I'm really starting to question everything about our friendship. She's acting like I'm a witless new ARMY and I can't decide how to respond to her. Or if I should."
"Ah, I see," he says. Looking at me closer, he continues, "But there's more, isn't there?"
I nod slowly, not quite sure how to put this next part into words, especially to Hobi. I stare at Jimin as I say, "I really like him...like, really like...a lot. Do you know what I mean?" I turn my head to look him in the eyes so he can see my sincerity and honesty. "The problem is, I've been ARMY since the group's debut. I worry that if I try to show him exactly how much I like him and enjoy the time I've spent with him this past week, that he'll think I'm only doing it to get something from him. It's been a worry of mine since we met. He's a great person, a beautiful and gentle soul, you know what I mean?"
Hobi nods his head, even though it was meant as a rhetorical question.
"I've been wracking my brain on what I can do to show him I'm serious about him, not the idol, not the fame, but him, as a man. I don't want to be pushy about it either. I'm not sure how he feels about me. I think he likes me, but I have worry that it's a passing thing, which I know are my insecurities speaking."
He doesn't say anything at this but looks thoughtfully at Jimin still talking to the others on the stage. I look back at him as well, admiring how he moves from a distance.
"I've not seen Jimin this happy in such a long time. I've seen him smiling more lately. I asked him the other day what was different, if it was the concert coming up, being with his family, back in his hometown, or if it was something else."
He stops and looks at me, searching my face for an answer to a question before continuing. "He wouldn't specifically say, but he did open up a bit here and there, telling us a few things. He said he met someone, but now, I realize he meant 'someone special' and that someone is you. He's happier, freer. You've brought that out in him in a very short time."
I glance back at Jimin, noticing he's watching us. I smile at him, one which he returns. His attention goes back to the others and I look at Hobi then. I beckon him to get a little closer so I can speak softly.
"You've known him so much longer than I have and on a deeper, more personal level. Do you have any suggestions for anything I can do to show him how much he means to me?" I look at him, hope on my face. I speak in a low voice so nobody else, especially Jimin, could possibly hear our conversation. It's low enough that causes Hobi to lean even closer to hear everything I've said. "I was thinking of having a night picnic at our spot at the beach so we can watch the moon rise if your rehearsal doesn't go too late. I'd prefer to make him his favorite food but since I'm staying at a hotel with Leeza, that's not a possibility. Does he have a favorite restaurant here that I could order food from? Would that be enough? Do you have any other suggestions?"
A smile spreads on Hobi's face as I speak, eyes sparkling as we throw ideas back and forth, making plans. Right before the break is over, Hobi asks for my number so he can text me if he thinks of anything else between now and plan execution tonight. I give it to him and he sends a text so I have his number as well. I smile up at him and nod enthusiastically when he goes to head back to the stage. I get involved in my phone for the next twenty minutes, putting the notes of my plan in there and looking up the menu to Jimin's favorite restaurant. I make note of the phone number and time, planning to make the call to put an order in for tonight.
Satisfied with everything to that point, I turn my attention back to the stage only to see they're doing unit songs now. I search everywhere from my vantage point but don't see Jimin anywhere. The conclusion I come to that makes the most sense is that the vocal line must be backstage right now, so I focus on the rap line. Hobi sees me watching and smiles when I nod my head. Pulling my phone back out, I make the call to the restaurant. When I'm done, I make a few more notes and slip it back in its place. Nodding my head at Hobi again, I give a subtle thumbs up and his smile gets wider, as does mine, the excitement simmering low.
The rest of the afternoon goes by quickly and I've gotten lost in my thoughts of tonight more often than not. Soon the rehearsal is over and the guys leave the stage. I'm not sure if I should interrupt whatever they do after rehearsal so I stay where I am, waiting for Jimin.
And I wait for nearly an hour before I begin to wonder. And worry. Taking a chance of not getting yelled at by anyone, I move up to the stage and find my way to the back. All I see are staff members and backup dancers milling about. None of them pay me any heed as I stand there, feeling out of my element. After getting bumped into a few times, I hug a wall while still searching for Jimin, or any of the other members.
Spotting a hallway that looks vaguely familiar I move from my spot. I walk for a bit, turning corners this way and that, hoping to find them when I realize I'm hopelessly lost. Pulling my damn phone out again, I try calling Jimin, only to hear weird beeping and when I check, I see the cell service is spotty at best. I send a text and feel hope when looks like it goes through until the words 'This message was not sent' flash across the screen. I retry as I continue moving in any direction I can. I even try Hobi's number unsuccessfully. I turn back trying to find my way to the stage area. Panic starts to set in again, but I fight it back, hoping I'll find my way to people soon. I've never wanted to be around people as much as I do right now... But at this moment, the white walls stretching down the hall in every direction is just too much.
Overwhelmed, I crouch down where I stop, wrapping my arms around my legs and let the tears flow, the despair overpowering my senses as it runs down my face. Rocking back and forth on my heels, sobs wrack my body, echoing loudly in the empty space.
I don't know how long I've been in that spot, crouched and crying. I'm so lost in misery that I don't hear footsteps heading my way at a fast pace. I'm suddenly wrapped in arms, but it just causes my body to shake harder.
"Jim...in..." I croak out between sobs, voice cracking on his name.
"No, NaeYeong. It's me, Hobi," I hear through my weeping breaths.
"Hob...i?" I hiccup on his name, while gulping in air. "Where's...Jim...in?"
"He had to leave unexpectedly. He asked me to find you and take you back to your hotel," he says, an apologetic look on his face when I look up at him through blurry eyes.
"I tried calling and texting him when I realized I was lost. I even tried you, but I have no service here." I hold up my useless phone as if showing it to him will somehow make this whole ordeal go away. "I'm not usually this directionally challenged..." My words trail off when I see the worried look Hobi is giving me. "Can we please leave?"
He nods as he helps me to my feet, steadying me with a loose grip on my arm as I wobble a bit on shaky legs. Leading me down the hall in the direction I was originally heading we turn to the right then we're moving through an exit door into the dark evening beyond.
As soon as we're standing in the parking lot, the realization that I wasn't that far from freedom of that stadium maze hits. If I had just kept moving, I would've been able to get a hold of Jimin or even Hobi sooner. A hysterical laugh bubbles from my lips when it occurs to me and Hobi's head whips my direction, an odd look on his face. The laugh abruptly turns to full on, gut wrenching sobs again as I collapse to the pavement.
"NaeYeong?" Hobi says hesitantly as he crouches down next to me. "Hey, NaeYeong..."
I can't stop the sobs, nor can I speak. I just sit on the pavement with a death grip on my stupid phone. I'm barely paying attention to my surroundings, lost in the pain centered in my chest. My mind subconsciously acknowledges that he's calling somebody, then continues to say my name while rubbing my back.
Within minutes I see blurry shoes stepping into my peripheral. A couple pair, actually. But in my panic-befuddled brain, I don't recognize them.
"NaeYeong, can you hear me?" Namjoon's face floats in front of mine as he crouches down to my level and lifts my face up with a finger under my chin. "NaeYeong?"
"Y-y-yesss?" I manage to stutter out, my teeth starting to chatter in a staccato beat. I blink rapidly to clear my vision.
"Are you okay, NaeYeong?" Namjoon's voice floats to my ears, worry etched on his face at my tear-stained cheeks and red, puffy eyes.
"Yes...no..." I respond, shaking my head as my body quakes harder.
"What happened, NaeYeong?" Namjoon asks quietly. I try to take a few deep breaths.
"Went looking. For Jimin. Anybody. Got lost. Tried calling. Text. No service. Hobi found. So close. Too close," my words coming out in broken speech between the chattering and short breaths.
"What do you mean, too close?" somebody asks from my right. I turn my head and see Yoongi standing there, the question still hanging in the air.
"So close. Not lost. Too close. Outside. Panic. No," I shake my head, my hands absently turning my phone over and over in my lap in agitation.
"Are you saying you were so close to getting outside and not being lost anymore?" he asks, head tilting to one side. I nod my head slowly.
"If you made it outside sooner, you wouldn't have panicked?" Hobi questions. I nod again, my eyes still on Yoongi. They move slowly to Namjoon, then to Hobi. I'm still nodding, my body continuing to shake from the adrenaline that had kicked in, which feels as though it's starting to recede. I know I'm about to crash and I grip the closest arm.
"Crashing..." I mumble as my eyes roll up into my head.