Chapter 33
Avian Burn's Point of View
We waited for Dan to arrive at exactly five in the morning. Since he will be the one driving the car. Nandito na rin kaming lima, naghihintay sa kanya. Kagan looked like he didn't sleep well. It's not like I'm checking him out, but I couldn't stop looking at Kagan. His eyes really stand out. I noticed how he unconsciously frowned from time to time, and I wanted to know the reason for what made him frown like that. But what caught my attention was his clothes. Bumagay sa kanya ang damit niya. He looked boyish for my liking.
When our eyes met, he mouthed the word what and I mouthed back the word nothing. It's like our eyes are talking with each other.
"Dan is here." Nadia said in her high pitched voice when a black SUV parked in front of us. They decided to just use one car instead of bringing their own cars, going there will be easier that way. Nang bumaba si Dan sa driver's seat ay sinalubong naman siya ni Nadia ng isang halik. Everyone groan. Pero ngumisi lang si Dan sa amin.
We started putting our things at the back of the car as Dan scowled when he noticed the brown paper bags.
"Parang isang buong grocery store na yata ang binili niyo sa dami nating daldahin. These foods is good for one week." Napapailing na lang niyang sinabi. Kagan loaded the two case of beers inside. It was Nadia's idea to buy beers yesterday. Two cases, really? Wala ng nakapigil sa kanya kaya kahit si Klaude ay hinayaan na lang siya.
"Blame your girlfriend, man. Lahat na lang ng dinaanan niya ay nilagay niya sa cart." It was Klaude turn to grin.
When everything are loaded in the trunk. I was the first one who entered the SUV since I told them I want to seat at the back. I really prefer sitting at the back, besides the window. At least, I have something to lean on if I'm feeling sleeping. Lalo na at sinabi ni Dan na limang oras ang itatagal ng aming byahe. Nagising ako ng maaga kaya sa tingin ko ay makakatulog talaga ako sa buong byahe.
Sumunod na pumasok si Klaude at tumabi sa akin sa likuran.
"Avi! Paano mo napilit na sumama si Kagan dito?" He asks, directing his attention to me. Nagkibit balikat na lang ako.
"Sino nagsabing pinilit ko si Kagan? I asked him, Klaude, and he said yes." Klaude still looks at me as if he doesn't believe what I said.
"Either way, I'm really thankful for that, Avi. Maybe, after this vacation, I can finally know something about Kagan." I noticed that Klaude looked like he had a growing obsession with knowing Kagan's past. Ginagawa niya ang lahat ng paraan na alam niya para malaman ito. I just don't understand it. Why do we need to know other people's past lives as if the amount of respect you will give them is based on who they are? Klaude should learn to let this go. Then suddenly, it hits me. All of us have something that we keep to ourselves. Things that are so hard to let go as if our life depends on it.
We all have obsessions inside of us. I keep on clinging to things that will hurt me. Halmeoni suddenly comes into my mind. Kung magkasama lang kaming dalawa ay baka naitanong ko na ito sa kanya. This obsession of us will soon kill us.
"Don't get me wrong, Avian. You will think that I'm crazy if I tell you this." Klaude hesitated for a moment.
"Try me." Following a sigh, he started speaking.
"I felt guilty for living a good life, Avi. I was given a home, loved by both parents, and grew up in a family that didn't worry about what we will eat for the next meal. I was given education, materialistic things, and everything you can think of." Napatango ako sa sinabi niya.
"In short, you live in heaven, Klaude." It was almost a perfect life. I am glad that Klaude recognized his upbringing.
"Heaven?" He asked, confused. But I only smiled at Klaude since I didn't have the energy to tell him that heaven and hell are state, not destinations.
"Just continue." I noticed how Klaude's Adam's apple moves.
"I live a privileged and comfortable life, Avi. Whenever I looked at Kagan, he seemed like the opposite of me. If I lived a good life with our parents, how about him? In those seventeen years, where is he? What life did he live by those gaps?" Tinuro niya ang kanyang dibdib kung nasaan nakalagay ang kanyang puso. I couldn't bring myself to say that Kagan hinted that he was living in hell. Klaude might not even know that Kagan tried taking his life away.
"And what if I was in his shoe? With this weak heart of mine, I guess I couldn't even survive a day." Ramdam ko ang lungkot sa boses ni Klaude. He was even near to tears. Ako naman ang napahinga nang malalim dahil unti-unti ay naiintindihan ko na kung saan siya nangagaling. Klaude might looked easy going and the one who always smiles to brighten the day, but he is carrying a big load of shits that he, himself can't even handle on his own.
"Reus theorized that Kagan got his disorders when he was growing up because that is how his body adapts to the environment he was living in. Avi, you are the only one who can—" he then clasped both of my hands, gripping them tightly.
"Who can what Klaude?" Ramdam ko ang kaba sa aking dibdib ng sinimulan niya ito.
"Why do I get this feeling that whenever we talk about Kagan, you think that I have a role or something in this?" I pointed at myself.
"Because you are, Avi." He pointed at me, too.
"I don't think I understand." I frowned, giving him a confused look. Another sigh came from Klaude like he was about to drop a nuclear bomb on me.
"There is this—," hindi na naituloy ni Klaude ang sasabihin niya nang biglang bumukas ang pinto ng SUV. Napatingin kami ni Klaude kung saan nag slide ang pinto.
"Oh! You talking about something? Nagulat ko ba kayo? Chill out, guys. You looked like you've seen a ghost." Pru said as she entered, sitting in the empty seat in front of me. Nakita ko kung paano siya tumingin kay Klaude bago itinuon ang pansin sa unahan. Pru got it bad, huh? But she knows who she really like, that what made me admire Pru. Hindi siya nalilito sa dalawang Grimaldi.
"Ghosts aren't real, though." Dan's turn to speak, who just got inside the driver's seat. Nakapasok na rin pala sa passenger seat si Nadia. The only one still standing outside is Kagan, who's glaring at Klaude, sitting beside me. Even Klaude noticed it.
"I think he wants to sit beside you." He whispered. Klaude moved a little, but I am tempted to grab his shirt.
"How did you know?" I ask. Kung balak niya kaming pagtabihin na dalawa ay wag na sana niyang subukan. My heart couldn't stay still whenever we're near each other. At isa, para lang nadagdag sa isipin ko ang sinabi ni Klaude sa akin kanina. I think I'm started to get curious where Kagan came from, too. I blame Klaude for this. But if someone wanted to know my past, then I wouldn't like it. I guess Kagan wouldn't like it too.
"Just think about it as twin's instinct." He smiled at me, moving his seat besides Pru. Kung nakikita ko lang ang mukha ni Pru ay sigurong namumula na ang pisngi nito. When there's an empty spot besides me, Kagan finally hopped inside.
"Are we good? Sigurado ba kayong wala na tayong nakakalimutan?" Dan asked, looking at our place
"All good, babe," Nadia answered.
"Then let's hit the road." Dan started the ignition and maneuvered the car.
"Are you feeling all right, Kagan?" Tell me this is my instinct kicking in or me being a reliever in the hospital. I just touched Kagan's forehead using my palm.
"Fine. You can feel it." He muttered. Mabilis kong tinanggal ang kamay ko sa kanyang noo at nilagay ito sa aking lap. I started scrunching my jeans nervously.
"What are you two talking about? You both seem to be so invested in it." I turned around to Kagan. Thinking about what I should tell him. Hindi ko na dapat sabihin na siya ang pinagusapan namin dalawa. Klaude believes I have the privilege of knowing Kagan's story, but he got the wrong person.
Kagan and I were just connected by this ridiculous narrative of misfortune. We attract because we're the same. The saying opposite attracts doesn't work on me— on us.
"Just random things, Kagan." I don't have the courage to tell him that we're actually talking about him. Tumingin ako sa bintana habang tinitingnan ang mga kotse na nilalagpasan namin. That's when I felt my eyes getting heavy. Ito na nga ang sinasabi ko. Bakit sa dami ng oras na pwedeng antukin ay ngayon pa? Ngayon pa na katabi ko si Kagan.
I tried pinching my legs, trying to wake myself up. Pero kahit iyon ay hindi gumagana. Lalo lang bumibigat ang talukap ng mga mata ko.
"Are you sleepy?" I looked at Kagan who's now staring at me. Dahan-dahan akong tumango dahil halata naman sa mata ko na kailangan na nilang pumikit. He suddenly tap his shoulder.
"You can lean on my shoulders, Avi." I kept looking at Kagan's face trying to decipher if he was kidding or not. But he only had a neutral expression on his face, so it was different for me to know what he was actually thinking.
"Are you seriously recommending that I should use your shoulders?" He nodded.
"You can either lean on that window, which I think will make you uncomfortable, or use my shoulders instead." He made it sound so easy as if leaning on his shoulders didn't make me uncomfortable too!
Is it okay? Fuck it. With all my rationality failing me, I decided to lean on his broad shoulders. He even adjusted his seat so I could reach his shoulders.
This is too much, but too late to back down now. When my head touches his shoulders, I felt oddly comfortable.
I, Avian Burn, am leaning on the shoulder of the infamous Kagan Grimaldi as if the hug from yesterday wasn't enough.
"I'm sorry if your shoulder will feel stiff." Bulong ko sa kanya at pinikit ang mga mata ko.
"It's okay. Just sleep, Avi. Gisingin na lang kita kapag nakarating na tayo sa pupuntahan natin." As if Kagan's voice was like magic to me, I didn't notice that I'm already sleeping while leaning on him.
It was one of the rarest time that I slept peacefully. I didn't even dream about Emma or my mother. I blinked once then twice when it occurred to me that I'm still inside the car. Even Kagan is still here on my side. Ang pinagtataka ko lang ay kung bakit wala na sila Pru sa loob at nakatigil na ang kotse. Inalis ako ang pagkahiga ko sa kanyang balikat at tumingin kay Kagan. His eyes are closed while his hands are crossed up to his chest.
"Kagan?" I poked his arms. When he didn't move, I poked it again.
"Kagan," I called his name for the second time around. My voice was a little louder than before. I'm about to poke him again when he suddenly catches my hands. He opened his eyes slowly and looked at me.
"I'm sorry. I told you I'll wake you up when we're here, but you looked so peaceful sleeping, so I just let you rest for more minutes." Sambit niya. Tumingin naman ako sa labas at puro puno lang nakikita ko. I even noticed another car parked under the shade. It piqued my curiosity, but I didn't put my attention to it.
"Nandito na tayo? Oh my! We should help them prepare." Sinimulan kong hampas hampasin ang braso ni Kagan na parang sinasabi sa kanya na bumaba na siya para makababa na rin ako. I didn't know that I will sleep that long at his shoulder! Goodness gracious, this is so embarrassing.
"It's okay. They can manage." He sounded unworried. He was the first one to exit the SUV. Nang makababa ako ay agad hinangin ang buhok ko. I can even hear the sound of the waves in our place.
Tama nga ang sinabi ni Dan, nasa tapat lang ng resthouse nila ang dagat. There's only one big mansion in the area and nothing else. Puro puno at ang malaking karagatan lang ang nasa paligid. This place looked peaceful. All we really need is a vacation in a place heavenly like this.
"Ilang minuto akong natutulog simula nang makarating tayo dito?" Tanong ko ng magsimula na kaming maglakad ni Kagan papunta sa kulay puting mansion sa aming gilid. Puro buhangin ang aming tinatapakan. I even felt ticklish when it started getting inside my sandals.
"Minutes, you asked? It's been hours, Avi." Napatigil ako sa paglalakad at humigpit ang hawak ko sa aking sling bag.
"No! Shit! Really!?" Natatarantang sabi ko. But Kagan looked where I was, and his lips curved into a light small.
"Just kidding." Then, the most expected thing happened. Kagan just stick his tongue out and continued walking to where we were going. Is that seriously Kagan? Kahit ako ay hindi makapaniwala. It seems like I was talking with Kalix, but in fact, it was really Kagan.
"Kagan, sandali!" Sabi ko at tumakbo palapit sa kanya. Lumulubog ang paa ko sa pinong mga buhangin sa tuwing naglalakad.
"We stayed at the car for like fifteen minutes as they started putting all our things inside."
"I see."
I was amazed at how big this place was. Is this just a rest house? May nadaanan kaming malaki na pool bago kami pumasok sa automatic na pinto. Dan's family must be pretty loaded. But anyway, this group of people came from a wealthy households, and they were not easily impressed. For them, this is just a typical family rest house. Nothing fancy.
Naririnig namin ang mga boses na nagmula sa kusina. So Kagan and I walked inside the dining area. As expected, it was big. Nakalagay sa lamesa at island counter ang mga gamit na pinamili namin. I even saw Klaude putting all the beverages inside the two-door refrigerator.
"Gising ka na pala, Avi." Nadia said. I'm about to apologize to them for sleeping more than necessary. Hindi tuloy ako nakatulong sa pagdala ng mga gamit sa loob. Pero hindi na ako makapagsalita ng may dalawang tao ang nakatalikod sa pwesto namin ni Kagan.
No one mentioned that there would be another two people joining us. It's a boy and a girl, back facing mine. I assumed that they were a couple since they were holding hands.
"Since you two just came, I'll introduce you to my cousin, Liam. He will be joining us. My dad wanted me to invite him so he can be assured that I will not do any stupid things here." Dan said, pointing out to his cousin.
Pagkasabi ni Dan ng kanilang pangalan ay lumingon ang dalawang estranghero sa aming pwesto. I almost choked up when I saw who it is. How could I forget that face?
"Avian," he muttered when our eyes locked.
"Liam." Bulong ko at ramdam kong lahat sila at nakatingin saming dalawa. His name sounds so foreign on my lips since it has been years since the last time I mentioned his name.
"You know each other?" Nadia suddenly interjected. Nakita ko kung paano tumingin ang babae na katabi niya sa kanya na parang nagtatanong kung paano kami nagkakilala na dalawa.
"Yeah, we live in the same home town. We're also in the same class back then." Siya na ang nagsalita dahil naramamdaman niya siguro na wala akong balak magsalita.
"Really? Small world, huh." Nadia added. She was amused with our situation. It was indeed a small world. Sino naman ang magaakala na magkikita kaming dalawa dito? This encounter is nothing to be amused about.
Liam smiled at me as if we're friends back then. In reality, we're not even in a talking term. Kahit noon, hindi naman kami madalas magusap. Bumaba ang tingin ko sa magkahawak na kamay ni Liam at ng katabi niyang babae.
"Her name is Lovely, my girlfriend." The girl named Lovely smiled in my direction. I didn't know how to react, so I just gave a blank stare. I don't want to smile at them as if they are glad to see me. I am not obligated to turn their smiles because, in the first place, I don't want to smile at all.
Tumaas naman ang tingin ni Liam sa katabi kong si Kagan. That's when I diverted my gaze to Kagan, who suddenly looked in a bad mood again. Maybe Liam noticed it too; that's why he looked around until he stopped his gaze at Klaude, who was near the refrigerator. That's when it sinks into him that there are twins inside the room.
"You're with?" Liam trailed, now looking back again at Kagan. The atmosphere suddenly changed from a light mood to a quiet ambiance. No one wants to break the silence. And because it was quiet, I tried to digest everything that was happening.
I met Liam again after almost four years of not seeing each other. And he... had a girlfriend. A pretty girlfriend. Now he's asking me who's the tall guy beside me. I don't know why, but words just started to slip from my mouth.
"With my boyfriend, Kagan," I said. Everyone stops moving. I bet even the clock.
It was a lie. If I could take that one lie back, I shouldn't have said it because a lie is followed by the fear of being caught.