The next morning, I set the alarm at the same time my dad usually wakes up so I could catch him before he leaves for work.
It's a grey morning but it doesn't change the active mood that pushes me out of the bed as soon as the alarm starts. I put my feet into my slippers and leave the room the quickest. I hear noises from the kitchen, and a good smell of coffee and when I enter the room, I see my dad still wearing the pyjama, facing the hob and yawing. As I jump next to him, he flicks and gives me a confused gaze.
«Morning,» I greet him with a big smile on my face. «How are you this morning?»
Brody runs towards me and jumps to draw my attention so I pick him up and pet his head while my father is still giving me a weird look. «What's going on?» He asks with an empty mug in his left hand and the coffee machine in the free one.
The dog snuggles his head against my chest while my smile fades away. «Why are you asking that?»
My dad is now pouring the coffee into his mug, with a smirk on his face. «Honey, this is probably the first time I see you waking up so early when you don't have to.»
I huff and shake my head while my face has an annoyed expression. «Next time I won't do it again.»
I walk towards the table as he follows me while laughing. I let Brody on the floor and he trundles away from us, reaching his bed and cuddling in it. My dad hands me another mug. «Coffee?»
I raise my head and nod meanwhile I take the mug. «Yes, please,» I reply and wait for him to fill my cup.
While he does that a little silence surrounds us because I still don't know how to ask him what I have on my mind. I need to find an excuse to not let him ask too many questions.
As he sits, his head turns up to face me. «You woke up so early just to have breakfast with me?» The way he asks that seems like he is hoping for a dry and firm 'yes' but we both know that's not that.
He perceives me as wanting something from him, so the better thing to do is to go directly to the point. «And to talk,» I admit with a hesitating smile. «I need to ask you something but you have to promise me you won't ask why.»
Once I say that, my father's face turns into a disagreeing expression and probably not happy about what I just asked him. He leans on the table to pick something to eat. «I don't like how this starts. I preferred you to sleep more.»
I also take something to eat as sandwich bread and the Nutella next to it. «I know but I never ask you anything. If I do it's because I really need it,» I explain before filling the spoon with chocolate. «And if you say no, I'll find another way.»
«Another way? What's going on? Please, can you go directly to the point of this conversation? I haven't even drunk my coffee yet and you're making my brain work.»
I nod and glance at him before closing the sandwich and waiting to bite it. «I need your investigator friend's contact,» I assert with a low voice and then I chew the bread I've bitten.
My dad shakes his head as soon as he heard what I've asked him. I knew that would have been the first reaction, but I hope he can change his mind. «Why the hell do you need his number?» He asks with an angry voice now and I totally understand that. I would have acted the same way if my only kid asks for a PI number. Whatever he is thinking of, is all true. I need that number because I am in danger but this is something he will never know.
Because I can't tell him, so I find another shortcut. «I need him for a University project,» I throw the bait.
«How come?»
Think something, think something quickly. «I want to write a crime book,» I push out fast. «I need to know how an investigator works since the main character is one of them. And I know I could search something online but I think it's better if I can ask and have detailed answers.»
My dad looks at me with a still concerned face. He is listening but he is doubting it, so I try to give him more information about this fake book, so he can feel it is a real one. «He will investigate Mafia's crime. He wants to expose the most famous and dangerous mobster in the city and since all the police and not only are corrupted, he is the only one who wants to put him in jail.»
It's crazy how half of this is true but he will never know that. He can't know the truth behind this project because if he only realize it, he would probably close the house and threw away the key.
Now my dad's face softens and I take a deep breath out. «That's a really good plot,» he comments and it seems like he has taken the bait. «If you actually will turn that into a book, it could be a good one.»
Maybe I can really write a book about that. I attempt to give him the happiest and proudest expression. «Thank Dad but I can't do it without a little help from you friend,» I try again hoping for him to write down that number.
Instead of that, he says: «I will give him a call and talk about it with him.»
«What? No, no. Lemme handle this, please. Come on,» I say urgently. «I want to do this all by myself. I will tell him I'm your daughter and that you give him the best greets.» My heart is racing in my ribs and my head is spinning. He can't do it, he should let his daughter handle these things by herself.
«Why are you so aroused?» He exposes me while moving back his head when I shift closer to him.
I go back to my sit. «Because I am an adult and I can do this alone. I don't need my dad to call him and give him my plot, my idea. I want to be the one to tell him,» I retort with a sigh. If this was the truth, it would've been understandable that I want to handle this alone.
I am an adult and I want to take on my responsibilities without my parent taking care of them.
And it seems like my dad understands that because he nods. «You're right,» he sniffs. «Okay, lemme take my phone.»
He stands up and disappears into his room before coming back with it and once he is sat again, he writes on a Post-it the number and handles it to me. «His name is Daniele Ferrari, he is Italian but he speaks very well English.»
I take the pen and write down the name of the man before looking back at my father with a happy smile and hugging him. «Thank you, dad!» When I sit back, I face his proud expression. «I'll keep you on track with what he will tell me, okay?» I won't but I hope he'll forget about this quickly.
«Sure and if you write something, I'll be happy to read and review it.»
«Oh, I first need the whole information before actually writing down something,» I laugh nervously and swelling my thoughts.
«Sure, but if you do that, I'm here.»
As I was already awake, I finished having my breakfast with him while we started to talk about various topics.
—
I still went to University, this morning.
I owe Antonio some apologies and an explanation about yesterday but when I am in the first lesson class, I don't see him. I check my phone to see if he has sent me some text, but there is just one notification and it is from Kevin. It's probably the good morning but I haven't checked it yet because I need to ring out the right way to tell him my plan.
I try to give my best friend a call but he is not answering so I snort as I sit. I don't want to be here, today. I just come to check on my best friend but he decided to ditch me without even telling me. I will probably leave before lunch or right after that because I already know I don't have the mind to handle the whole day.
On the first break, I receive a text from my best friend.
Tonio
I didn't hear the alarm 😩
I read the text with full concern because it is not something he would do. He always puts on more than one alarm, so be sure he wakes up. And now he didn't hear them? Not even one?
The truth, Tonio
Tonio
How annoying
Giacomo slept here and we had a very moving morning
Ew, okay bye
I close the phone, not wanting to read more. The fact that we tell each other everything sometimes makes me uncomfortable because he really tells me everything even things like that, I don't need to know that.
I still have ten minutes, so I sit out on one of the benches and think about Camilla. When she was on the floor and no one helped her. She already was having a hard time with her father's death.
I was sitting on one of these benches when Kevin saw me. That's why he came so quickly. She was his responsibility, chosen by him. He wanted to be sure she was fine since he was involved in his father's death. And it's so sad that no one did anything about it.
I take my phone, open the chat with Kevin and ignore his good morning. Mostly because he added that horrible nickname.
Can you pick me up after university?
Whenever you can, I need to tell you something
Kevin
I have things to take care of in the morning
Around launch time okay?
Yes. My last lesson before the launch finished at 14:30
Kevin
I'll be outside at that time
I put away my phone and go back inside to keep going with my lessons which I will try to give the most focus I could bring out but before reaching the room, I am blocked by a teacher. The one of the essay.
I give her a guilty smile. «I know, I am so sorry.»
She gives me an assertive gaze. «Enede, I know that this year for you is hard but if you don't accomplish at least a little work, how do you think you'll handle exams and the thesis?»
I just forgot one essay, not the whole planner. «I can handle those stuff. I just forgot to send the project. It was ready,» I lie. I don't like the way she talks to me even if she is totally right.
«Then you can still send it to me today, I will accept it.»
Shit. «Great. I will do it in the evening, once I will be back home,» I reply. «And thank you, it won't happen again.»
Then she leaves me, there, with an incomplete essay to send. If my fib was a truth, it would have been really helpful for me that she still wanted it today. I need to finish it.
When I am in class, I pretend to take notes but instead, I am trying to finish the project but my mind is so empty. The little bar keeps appearing and disappearing, telling me if I want to keep going or shut it down. I don't know. I don't even remember the whole essay since I started it one month ago.
I give up and close the laptop with a dry motion and huff while turning my eyes to the teacher teaching I don't even know what. Why am I here? Why am I still trying to finish this course? Why don't I just drop it and leave it for the next year? I am trying to be a multitasking woman but I can't even do one thing, how am I supposed to the studying and protect my life? The only thing is: if I want to graduate, I have to step back from Kevin, let him do his job and not get involved in anything.
Keep my life as it still is, like I told him at the start.
But I don't want that. Not now. I don't want to keep my life the way it is now. I want to take a break and I am aware that this is a very bold and stupid thing to do, but I don't care about it anymore. For my whole life, I have always done careful choices and been the quiet aside kid. Not I want to feel something, be back to when I was full of energy and vibrancy. I want to feel reckless for once.
I will graduate but not this year. I knew it since the beginning and now I am firm about that.
My father won't be happy about that, how am I supposed to tell him about this when I just project to him the book I want to write? I can keep this a secret. I won't tell him about University. I will tell him once everything is over if I will still be alive. I curl my lips to not laugh about that. There is nothing funny about that but I still feel the urge to laugh. I hear Kevin's voice in my head saying one of his stupid jokes.
As soon as the lesson ends, I leave the room and the building. I sit on the sidewalk and wait for Kevin here. It's just two hours and a half, I can handle that. I take a moment to catch the paper in my jacket where my father's contact is written and then I pass it on my phone, saving it with his name.
Will he listen to me? Will he agree to it? Will Kevin agree to that? I think at the beginning he won't.
From what I have understood, Kevin is attached to his father even if he doesn't like him. He feels like turning back on the family is a really cruel thing and probably that's something his father has implanted in his mind since he was a kid.
I picture a young Kevin, from one of the photos I saw in his house, with a gun in his hands. Just a kid. Shooting at his first victim and being traumatised by that.
Then I picture an adult Kevin, on a motorbike, on the back of one of his coworkers. He is having fun, laughing, until he sees the man crossing the street and the driver not slowing down. After some seconds, he is on the dead body, probably crying because that's not what he wanted.
If he only knew...
I turn my head up, towards the sky and think about my mom. Would she be proud of me? Of what I am doing? Or she would think I am a failure to drop my studies to follow a boy because I want to help to set him free? No, my mom would never think that. She would probably say something like: it's your life. You get the choices for that. Even if I have my own opinion about that, you're my daughter. I love you and I will always love you even if you do dumb choices.
Even if he is a mobster, I am sure she would like him. The same way Kevin said his mom would like me.
After sitting there for one hour, I decide to stand up and leave to go into the bar in front of the University's entrance and get something to eat because I am starving. Outside is still cold and my legs were losing their sensibility. I am sure Kevin won't bother if I just wait for him here, he won't even know.
Once I am inside, I order a little pizza and a Pepsi and I chill in the little place while waiting for the right time to go back outside and sit where I was sat before: on the sidewalk.
After five minutes, a car roars in my ears and I know it's him before he even appears. He is with the Audi, I now know that sound very well and he never goes around with the other two cars he owes.
Once he stops in front of me, I stand up to go closer to the car, he pulls down the window and gives me a little smirk when he meets my eyes. Will I ever get used to seeing the way he smiles every time we meet?
I jump in the car. «Hey there,» I greet him with also a smile on my face.
«Were you waiting on the sidewalk?» He asks shifting his stare from me to the asphalt.
I nod. «Yes, for two hours,» I play giving him an amused look.
His face turns quickly on me after I say that and I can see he is not happy about that. «What? Why?»
I shrug moving away my gaze from him. «I didn't want to come today. I wanted to talk with Antonio but he never came, so I left.»
«You could have told me,» he starts before tapping the throttle and leaving the street as soon as a van stops behind us.
I roll my eyes and put the seat belt on. «I am kidding, I went into the bar on the opposite side.»
«Why weren't you in the mood?» While he asks that, his eyes are constant on the street, hidden behind his usual sunglasses.
I am facing him. «I am never in the mood, since the start of the course.»
I can see him nodding, with the right side of his lips turned up. «You told me that on our first date.»
My stomach just rolls when he says that, making me remember we had dates. I realise that at the start, we were seeing each other to have something. To be something. A couple. I sometimes forgot about that, after all we've been through since the last real date. Now we are finding a way to run away from his enemies. «And you remember,» I murmur while moving away my face from his and looking at the red light of the semaphore.
Kevin stops right under it and turns his head in my direction. «I remember everything about that day.»
I still don't move my head, knowing that if I meet his eyes, my face would've turned red without me controlling it. «There was the trick, in the end,» I giggle shaking my head.
Kevin also chuckles. «I warned you I have flaws. You just didn't believe me,» he comments and the car moves again as the light turns green.
I don't know if we're going to his house or somewhere else but right now I am neutral about that. «I did believe you. In my mind, you were trying to find a new victim to kill.»
«You were pretty close,» he admits and overpass the street parallel to the centre, between people who are walking half on the sidewalks and half on the street.
Suddenly, I want to ask him something. «What was your first impression of me?» I angle my face to him again so I can see his reaction and how he answers if he does.
«As you came next to me, I looked at you and I wanted to go away.» Not a good start. Am I that terrible at the first impression?
I stay quiet, shutting my thoughts and without letting him know my disappointment in his answer but then he keeps going. «Because I knew I would have fallen for you and I didn't want that.»
Oh. This hit me unexpectedly. I didn't expect that answer but it seems like he isn't over and when he turns the corner to leave the centre and enters the outskirts that will bring us to where he lives, he says: «The way you were closed, not ready to trust quickly and give yourself to someone made me intrigued to know you more. That was not what I opened Tinder for. I wanted a distraction, someone to have when I wanted to escape from my real life. But then you showed up and everything changed.»
I hold my breath. Everything changed. Does that mean he wanted something more with me? Like, trying to have a relationship? How could he think something like that, knowing his lifestyle?
«Well, that's surely not what I first thought of you,» I whisper, feeling so bad to have thought so mean things about him when he was being so sweet in his head.
His words hit me like a truck. I knew he was feeling something but this? Since the first moment? How I wish I never opened that app. This is one of the reasons why I am not going to be drunk anymore. I quit after that Friday when I literally fell into his arms.
When I look back at Kevin I see him doing a lazy smile and I try to catch up with all my thoughts. «I don't trust people easily,» I justify myself. «I need time. I always think about people like someone that turns their back whenever they want to, even if they stay for a long time.»
I recognise the long tree street and I get we're going to have a long day together. «And I always put a big wall in front of me son can go away if I feel threatened by a feeling or someone.»
As he stopped right in front of his house, he turns off the car. «But you didn't go away,» he tells me before swiping his head towards me. «I am talking about the start before you knew everything.»
I move nervously on the sit. «Because I was starting to like you,» I admit, talking in the past sentence even if that feeling never left me but this is something only I know. «I wasn't feeling threatened by you.» But I was being threatened by something about you.
Kevin inhales sharply and then he leaves the car and I am glad he does that. The car is too little to have conversations like those, so I am cheerful now I have some air to breathe. I do a big sigh before leaving also the car. Once I am out, I see Kevin stopping against the car's door. «And why have you decided to stay now? After everything you know?»
From his tone, it seems like he is mad but I am sure he is not upset with me. There is something deeper in those words that I don't get. I move around the car and stop right in front of him and try to meet our eyes but he is looking far away from me. «Because I know you're not the bad guy in this situation and you want to run away.»
His face is contracted and he is trying hard to control his emotion but when he finally lowers his head to meet my gaze he is not going to say something nice. «You know a few of me.»
«Are you trying to say things to push me away?» I ask, realising that only after he finishes speaking. That's usually what people do when they can't control something in their life. They push away what they can't manage, knowing that it will be their ruin or the best thing ever. In the end, we're all the same. We all do the same thing when our feelings make us feel weak. We don't want to lose ourselves for someone, we want to have a reasonable mind and be capable of thinking clearly.
Kevin is still giving me a firm gaze, after my question. «No. Even if I want to, I can't.»
«Well, you can still try, you'll find me right here. I know how to reach your house,» I warn him before turning my body towards the house and walking to reach the main door.
He takes a few seconds before also walking. Once I make up my mind, it's hard for me to change it and that's something I get from my father. My mum was soft, my dad is always determined. When he wants something, he does everything he can to get it and that's what happened when he met mum.
«Are you hungry?» Kevin asks me once we're inside the house.
I shake my head. «I ate something at the bar,» I decline his offer, but when I look at him he gives me one of those expressions that means: I wasn't asking. I roll my eyes. «Then don't ask.»
He chuckles and goes into the kitchen, me following behind.
In the kitchen, I go straight to sit on one of the stools, facing where Kevin is preparing something. I rest my chin on the palm of my hand and remain quiet while he gives me the back. It is only then I notice he is wearing gym clothes. He has a very tight-fitting thermal jersey that is tucked inside a normal pair of light blue denim jeans. But my focus is on his back. I think he daily works out and the T-shirt he is wearing emphasises his muscles. I know I shouldn't stare like that, but I can't help with that. It's just something that my mind starts to think about without me controlling it. He is attractive and if I didn't think about that in the first place, I wouldn't be here today.
«I may have been the only one who stayed in the room,» Kevin says with an amused smile on his face.
I look up to meet his eyes and put quickly the hands on my cheeks, trying to hide the redness of them but Kevin shakes his head. «Too late.»
I spin my head in the other direction, facing the wall. «Did you ask something?»
Even if I can't see him, I still feel his grin. «Yes. I asked if you like pasta with pesto,» Kevin asks again holding back his laugh and when I look back at him, I nod without saying anything.
«So, why don't you tell me why you wanted us to meet?» He asks. «Not that I don't like you being here, it's just weird.»
It isn't weird. I thought that after yesterday, it was pretty clear that I would stick to this and that he and I would see each other more than we would like but maybe I have to remind him when I find my knowledge in speaking. After his question, I feel like my mind is empty but because I am so afraid of his reaction. I am pretty sure he won't accept but I hope he can at least think about it.
This whole thing is pretty serious and I don't even know if he has any idea about what my mind had been thinking between yesterday night and this morning. I barely slept.
Will he accept? Consider it? Or will he just reject it and keep going on in this way?
He wants to shut down The Cleaners, but there are only two options: pay them or kill them. And I don't like the last one. I don't want to be part of a murder and risk jail. The first one is connected to my plan.
Kevin is giving me the back again, going back to cooking. I take out my phone where I wrote down all the details of the plan even if I don't actually need that. I've read that so many times that I know it pretty well. «I don't know how to put this so I am just gonna say it,» I outset and Kevin twisted slightly his face to stare at me with focused eyes. «I know you may not agree with this but I still want to give it a try.»
Now he is fully shot in my direction. «I am starting to not like when your conversations start in this way.»
Nothing is hauled from his voice, but I am sure he is amused about this.
I crane my arms against the island and put down my phone. «I came out with a plan,» I push out with no hesitation, shrugging and keeping my eyes on his. «To expose your father.»
Silence. All I am seeing is a baffled guy with a new thing to put into his mind. Kevin is not giving me any type of answers and I am afraid to keep going, so I wait for some signals that never arrive.
I sigh and take back my phone. «I knew you won't accept but I still hope you'll think about it.»
«What's it about?» His question abruptly makes my hope grow but I try to control my emotions.
I crock my head down to face again my phone. «It's not that hard. I mean, it is. It's just not that complicated.»
Kevin's body is now pushed onto the island and his face is so close that I had to move back mine. «Just say it.» No emotions in his words so I am thinking he just wants to hear it not because he wants to do that.
Let's give it a try. «You should pretend that you finally want to be like him. To prepare yourself to take his place and do whatever it takes to have it. He must trust you at that point to lead you to his deepest work and when we have enough evidence, he can be exposed,» I speak fast although my gaze moves from him to the phone and vice-versa.
When I am finished, I shut up and lock my phone, taking it back to bring it into my jeans pocket. I didn't even need it, it was just to keep my head distracted from looking at his face. Now, I am waiting for him to say something. I lift my head to meet again his face but he is now back on cooking, in silence.
I see him throwing the pasta into the boiling water and giving it a spin.
Good point, Enede.
I kinda feel stupid, now. I came out with a plan that involves exposing his father to his dirty work when he is also into it. I may have overflight the possibility of putting also Kevin in danger. I don't know what his father has on him, even if he told me that he only killed one person and he was young and pushed by someone else. But I don't know the other things he has done. Joe won't take a minute to expose his son as he does with him. As I have realised, he isn't a good father so he won't probably care to push his son into jail for only God know how much.
Why didn't I think about this before?
«I can't do it,» Kevin finally speaks again. His voice is hushed and he is leaning on the countertop. I can see from where I am that he is shaking his head more than once. «He is family. I don't know what he is capable of. I just can't... expose him.»
«Why not?»
«Because,» he starts with a big tone but when he turns in my direction he takes a deep breath and his face softens. «He is my father. Yes, he is doing the worse job ever but I can't be the one exposing him.»
I mean, I already knew he wouldn't accept it but also rejected it so much? Not even giving it a try? «So, you don't agree with what he does, you want to do something about The Cleaners but without doing anything? What are we supposed to do? Doing the protection program endless?»
I am now standing and I don't know why. Maybe because I want to leave, maybe because I am starting to feel the rage in my body developing. I have no idea but if I want to leave, it's up to him because he brought me here and only he can bring me home. I need a car, that's a fact.
«I don't know what I will do but surely I am not going to expose my father just because you said that.»
I stay still, looking at him with my mouth closed, locked.
Just because you said that.
I didn't just say that. I am trying to find a way to help us, to protect me. He was the first one telling me he didn't want to be in this and that he wants to be free and now that I am giving him a solution he is just blowing it away for some selfish reason?
I knew that it was a bad idea but right now it just looks like he is a spoiled kid not knowing what he wants to do in his life. Or maybe all he wants is to be like his father.
I step back. «I want to go home.»
The pasta is ready, he's drained the pasta but when he hears me saying those words he glances at me with a begging expression. «Come on,» he speaks low but I am not going to make him gaslight me this time.
«Please, take me back home.»
«No.»
His dry answer just makes my rage red. «If you won't, I'll walk.»
«I won't let you.»
«What will you do? Carry me?»
«If I need to, yes.»
«Kevin. Enough.» I am tired of his little games. «Either you give me a Plan B or I can go home because there is nothing to do for me here.»
Kevin leaves the past in the sink and walks to get in my direction.
No, no. Stay away. Don't come any closer.
He is taller than me and his big shoulders are literally shadowing me. I stay still in my position, just raising my head to face his. «I'll think about it.»
And that changes the card. «You won't.»
Kevin nods, lowering his back to put his face at my same height. «I will. But right now I see that just as something impossible.»
I cross my arms against my chest. «This is already an answer.»
«I am telling you that I'll think about it and you still act stubborn.» Then he smiles. «I am right when I call you missy headstrong.»
I roll my eyes and push my hands against his chest to make some space between us. «You're so annoying.»
«I know,» he says preparing two plates and putting inside the pasta with pesto. I sit back on the stool and ask myself what he exactly did to make me change my mind and sit back here. Whatever he did, it was a good one because as we started to eat, we deleted the plan, The Cleaners, Joe and everything from our conversations. We talk about my next self-defence lesson. I admit to him that I am not going back to University, so have plenty of free time. We discuss that as he thinks I am dropping it because of him and this situation but I remind him that I have always had this thought since the start of the year.
Then we talked about Antonio. Kevin makes me notice that his second name is the same as my best friend's and I can't stop thinking about it since the moment he pointed that out. When I will tell Antonio about that, he will freak out.
I came here to talk about the plan and I ended up having a fun conversation with him. I am wondering where this will bring me if in one month we won't find a solution to the big problem. What will happen if we let our feelings out and we push the danger in second place? Will I die? Will Kevin die? Will someone die? I can't let that happen, not after knowing I am the target.
I need to do something and I need to do that as soon as possible.
—
AUTHOR SPACE:
And here we areeee! Finally the clue of the book: the plan!
Enede came out with a plan to help Kevin set free but he seems not to be that much happy about it. Maybe because he has been so much gaslighted and traumatised by his father that he now is afraid about doing this thing. But Enede is firmly on it, she wants to do something to protect her life and help Kevin. Will he in the end accept it?
Q: do you like Enede's plan or you would think something else?
Love ya,
Benny :*
CHAPTER COVER MADE BY ME.